Paris Hilton is single. Again.

Add a zipper for instant punkification.

We totally heart Jordin Sparks and her new video.

Celebrity odd couples.

Does a hot teacher make learning easier? Harder? Sexier?

And last night was no disappointment. Well, maybe the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna sitch – lord knows I would have loved to see her performing. Coldplay and Jay-Z? Katy Perry? Al Green and Justin Timberlake? Our homegirl, Jennifer Hudson?

I was dancin’ in my living room. Yes, cookie dough in hand.

And the red carpet wasn’t too shabby, either. It definitely kept me on my toes. I don’t know what it is about this particular award show, but people really like to think outside the box with their fashion choices. I saw way too many origami-inspired dresses, not to mention the weird thing that Paris Hilton decided to sport. And the guys weren’t much better. I mean, I know Coldplay was performing but did they have to wear those costumes all night? You didn’t see Katy Perry rocking the sparkley Chiquita Banana outfit on the Red Carpet…

Below are some of the more….er….interesting fashion statements from the Grammys. I mean, who really thinks a giant bow should be placed directly over your lady parts?

I don’t know, friends; I just don’t know. At least it made for some exciting TV, though. (Click on the picture to get a glance at the whole weird-lookin’ ensemble.)

As usual, last night’s Video Music Awards blew.  The geniuses at MTV have succeded in turning what was once a borderline semi-entertaining awards show into a series of tedious advertisements between more advertisements.  Great Job!

But despite all the foolishness, the red carpet was chock full o’ eye-catching looks… some hot, some way not.  So, rather than making you search thru all those grocery-store-checkout-line-webzines for your VMA fashion fix, we have compiled the best of the best and the best of the worst for your viewing pleasure.

BTW Pink- You saying “Lemme Check My Flow” in a song has a way different connotation than when Eminem says it… and the thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

(click thumbnail to view full image)

Sanjaya seems to have thankfully faded into pop culture history, and we’re yet to see if the American Idol curse will hit Jordin, or skip over her in a Carrie Underwood manor.

Seriously, didn’t it just end? So why, oh why are there already audition dates for the upcoming season? Is it so brave people don’t have to sit through horrible weather as they have in the past? Is it so Fox and the producers of AI can milk advertisers for even more money by making the show longer? Is it because we just can’t get enough?

Auditions begin on July 30th in San Diego, and snake their way across the country to finish up in Philadelphia on August 27th.

Cities hit in between—Dallas, Omaha, Atlanta, Charleston and Miami. My bet for the winner next year? Some cute farm girl from Omaha who will blow everyone away. I don’t know, just seems like an underdog story ready to be blown out of proportion.

I’ve always fancied myself quite a singer. I have my microphone shaped sponge in my shower (a gift from a friend, I swear), and I rock out to Think Before He Cheats and other power ballads. People haven’t run away when I sing at an occasional open mic.

But there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I—even if I had pipes like Whitney Houston and knew I was going to make it—would ever consider standing online with the tens of thousands of other people who are bound to show up. Never. And if it started to rain? I’d be out of there.

I just don’t have that kind of devotion.

But big up to those who do,– especially you crazies out there who make the really bad audition shows at the beginning. I hope you get one of those stupid awards they gave out at the finale.

My feeling is that American Idol is getting a little old. This season did not measure up to expectations in my book, and it was almost painful to sit through by the end of the season. I figure go out on top before you jump the shark. Can you jump the shark in a reality TV contest? Anyway… Bottom line—get out before we hate you.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the harmful effects of obesity, but really, Jordin Sparks? Come on! I am sure there are much better examples of obesity than the lovely Ms. Sparks. Maybe she could be classified as a bit overweight, but obese seems to be pushing it.

Think this sounds insane like I did? Well just wait until you watch the YouTube clip of the organization’s President and Founder, MeMe Roth, explain what she thinks of when she looks at Jordin.

Give the girl a break for goodness sake, she was just named the youngest American Idol and has enough pressure to worry about right now before we start jumping down her throat about her weight. A weight that actually looks pretty normal to me.

I know it’s not a fashion competition, but what the hell was Randy wearing? You know he thinks he’s a general in his own mind. Yes, I believe he loves himself that much. Paula—I’m sorry about the bruise on your face, but do you have a speech impediment? To me, she always sounds like she’s talking with a retainer in her mouth, but last night, maybe due to pain killers, it was even more pronounced. And she was obviously tired from her fall cause she was relatively quiet.

Simon—I love you just the way you are. Maybe with a few more buttons undone. I’m sorry that everyone boos you. You’re the only one that makes sense.

Jordin owned Blake last night. Owned. What Simon said about her wiping the floor with him on the last (kind of wretched, but not surprised it was picked) song? Totally true. She walked out on that stage and it was like she’d already won. She knew she had it. And I loved her dress.

The tears were a bit much (though I imagine it is really overwhelming), but I’m pretty sure Blake was crying harder backstage. Cause he sucks. And I’m not going to lie, I got a little teary myself. Jordin’s version of Xtina’s Fighter…eh. She’s not so good at up tempo songs, but producers can take care of that for her. And she could probably have a long career singing those beautiful ballads. She really is excellent. And they only brought up her age 4 times last night.

Blake. Oh, Blake. You sucked. Hard. I was never a fan of the Bon Jovi beat boxing thing, but everyone else loved it. And then it just went down hill. Waaaaay down. Hon, you can’t sing. So don’t pick a ballad to sing (and ruin a great song). Followed by another even more horrendous ballad. I couldn’t even listen to his version of This Is My Now.

I was thanking God for Tivo because about a minute in, I had to fast forward. I don’t think he was in pitch the whole time. And was it just me, or were those last pair of pants he was wearing way too tight and framing his package? That was the only thing I could see. But maybe I just have a dirty mind.

If Jordin doesn’t win after last night I don’t know what’s wrong with America. Unless they just feel sooooo bad for Blake, think everyone else will vote for Jordin, and vote the other way. Cause it wasn’t even a competition. It was like watching a really bad opener for a band you’ve been dying to see.

And we’ll only have to hear This Is My Now one more time… before they release it on single and drive us all crazy by playing it over and over and over and over again until no one wants to buy the winner’s album. Maybe that’s why no one who wins American Idol is successful….

My finals are done – Organic Chem is still boring – but all just in time for Reality Show Finale time!!!

Ironically, American Idol and its cast of sellouts have been the king of their timeslot for a long time. They have been unbeatable! Alas, last night my future husband, Apolo Ono smacked down Simon Cowell, drunk Paula and the “Dog Pound” guy. Apolo beat out N-SYNC Joey, with the help of that horrifically cute and flexible blonde (damn her).

American Idol, on the other hand, was quasi-painful. I know it has made them a lot of money, but it is way TOO formulaic.

Singer sings with various arm movements and “riffing,” maybe a stroll through the audience. Singer finishes. Ryan pretends he is straight. Randy “shouts out” to his “dog pound” while “keeping it real.” Paula has a swig of whatever is in her Coke cup while kissing the singer’s ass. Simon, clad in white or black t-shirt, is honest and blunt amid a shower of boos. Back to Ryan, playing it straight.

There is only so much of that a person can be humanly asked to endure. American Idol, you are killing me. For next year, please try and mix it up. Dancing with the Stars – watch yourself! You are treading VERY close – albeit you have different people playing different roles, but the formula is looking a little predictable.

Note for the audience – easy with the boos. They are like curses – if you curse all the time, it loses its bite. A random “F^$& YOU!” goes a lot further than “F^$& THIS, F^$& THAT!” My peeps, please, keep it down. These singers and dancers are SUPPOSED TO SUCK! That is what keeps us coming back. You can’t boo people for telling the truth (though I wish you could).

Y’all gotta keep it real and holla only when its warranted!

Can I begin by saying that I was slightly worried that last night was the first night the contestants had two songs to sing. I didn’t know there were eight good Bee Gees songs to choose from.

But, because most of the performances sucked, I ended up being really impressed by the songwriting. I had no idea that some of those tunes were written by Barry Gibb. And he was wonderful with the contestants—complementary of their talents, helpful in his advice. Good on you, Bee Gee.

But I can’t pretend anymore. Worst. Idol. Ever. This season officially blows. Maybe others decided that earlier on, but I really have been hoping that these Idols-to-be would kick it up a notch, and prove to America that they’re worthy to be there. But really… they’re not.

I’ve been saying forever that I’m over Blake. His performance was tired, and out of pitch. The beat boxing? Just stop with it. And thank you to the judges for finally hating it, and not calling it innovative. It’s a singing contest, and to be quite frank, you can’t sing that well. Out.

Lakisha was my favorite early on—from her audition, to her first performance of And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going—she seemed like the one to beat. But she has been so non-descript ever since. How do you screw up a high energy song like Stayin’Alive? Well, you did. And the other song was just boring. No stage presence. Nothing. Out.

Jordin’s first song—To Love Somebody—was beautiful. I know they say it every week, but I can’t believe how young she is. She is so in control of her voice, well spoken, and adorable. But she failed to impress in her second appearance, and it’s about that time where we don’t question song choice, or pitch—it should be about who out does the others in stage presence. And I’m not sure that she accomplished it last night.

It was cute that Melinda refused to sing about going home—I respect her superstitions and determination. Cause she shouldn’t be the one to go home. But the judges were right in saying that they expect more from her at this point. Watching the rest of the contestants, and then watching her is normally like seeing two separate shows—one of someone who shouldn’t even need to compete, and the other of relatively mediocre talent. Her last song was better than the first, but I hope she does even more next week.

So my plea to the American Idols next week is—step up! Or just give Melinda the crown, and stop putting us through this already. I bet Simon is just livid off screen….