I’m going to give you a clue for anyone who’s ever wondered what my secret identity really is: I’m not Josh Hartnett. I’m not even a fan of his, but I am a fan of 40 Days/40 Nights and since Ash Wednesday was oh, so, recent, I felt inspired to re-watch that rom-com romp. In case you’ve never seen it, it’s about a heartbroken Hartnett who is socially and emotionally crippled from being dumped by his long-term girlfriend that he takes a vow: no sexual gratification for Lent and thus freeing himself from her…influence? I don’t know, the logic takes some selling, I’m sure Sarah Palin could make sense of it. Being as this is the season of Lent, when good Catholic boys and girls are sacrificing one of their favorite luxuries for 40 days, I started to wonder, how productive an idea is this for the 21st century? I’m all for penance, don’t get me wrong, love me some BDSM, but while you can give up certain things, are their ones that you shouldn’t give up? I mean, Josh Hartnett becomes unable to work, have friendships, or eat pancakes. Is that healthy? Isn’t that going a bit too far? So, after some extensive research, I’ve come up with a list of 11 things that women should not give up for Lent, for the good of mankind.

initiating the gallery...

There you have it, ladies. 11 things you shouldn’t sacrifice for Lent. Some of these might be shocking. Some of these might be bewildering. But that’s the way it goes sometimes. What did I miss? What couldn’t you live without for 40 days and 40 nights? Before you even ask in the comments, don’t worry, this is just part one. Next time, we’re going to tackle the boys…figuratively speaking.

Fire in the hole!

The Dude

Remember that time you fell in love with that baby-faced Canadian kid who got his start on Youtube, that shy vampire actor with the British accent, or that awkward-yet-charming guy from Arrested Development and then everyone else fell in love with them and talked about them every day and they were everywhere you looked and you secretly started praying for their demise?

The celebrity rise from a nobody to an overrated celeb happens so quickly these days that it’s hard to keep track of who you love and who you hate. Thankfully for you, we’ve created (with a little inspiration from Guyism’s 66 Most Overrated Women of 2010) the ultimate list of the 30 most overrated guys in Hollywood right now. In no specific order…

[Click on the pic to get even more of their overrated-ness.]

1. Ed Westwick

In short, this guy has worn one too many fedoras and ascots for me to take him seriously as sexy or even remotely heterosexual. And that weird “I’m trying not to fart” look he always seems to have on his face certainly doesn’t help matters.

2. Orlando Bloom

I never really understood this craze. All I see is a guy with a goatee and long black curls who happened to play the supporting roles of a pirate and an elf in some hit movies. I just don’t get it.

3. Ryan Reynolds

Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely hot but definitely not hot enough to be married to Scarlett Johansson. And, really, eventually this piece of white bread is gonna rom-com out and then he’ll just be the guy who was in The Proposal with Sandra Bullock.

4. A-Rod

Someone remind me why two of Hollywood’s most gorgeous stars (Cameron Diaz + Kate Hudson) are fighting over this guy? I mean I know he’s a Yankee but other than that, from the sheer looks of him… there must be something I’m missing here. Plus, HE’S RECENTLY BEEN INSIDE OF A WOMAN WHO’S THE SAME AGE AS MY MOTHER. Somehow, that’s just hard for me to overlook.

5. Ken Jeong

Where did this guy come from (besides out of the back of a classic Mercedes, naked)? Sure, he’s funny when other people are writing his lines in The Hangover and on Community, but does he really deserve to share a stage with Ed Helms? Short answer: hell f**king no.

6. Matthew McConaughey

There’s a reason why Chelsea Handler calls this guy “Matthew McCona-gay.” The guy peaked in The Wedding Planner, a movie co-starring J-Lo, and it’s been all downhill from there. We’re all sick of him. He should just do us all a favor: put on a shirt, take a shower and get over himself already.

7. Adrian Grenier

Is it just me or is it hard to take this guy’s supposed sex appeal in Entourage seriously when you know he once starred beside Melissa Joan Hart in that teen film Drive me Crazy?

8. Mario Lopez

Alright, alright I’ll admit it. He has an absolutely insane body but behind those washboard abs and boyish dimples all I see is Slater from Saved By the Bell sitting backwards in a chair in an obscenely psychedelic collared shirt and curly mullet. You can’t fool me, Lopez.

9. Josh Hartnett

I still remember when that whole Hartnett phase was running rampant during his Black Hawk Down days. However, I think pictures like this – along with my dreaded fear that his eyebrows would someday fully connect -stood in the way of me ever fully being on board with the Hartnett love-fest.

10. Ryan Seacrest

Although not altogether bad looking facially, something about a guy needing to wear high heels in order to look even moderately average in height next to me just doesn’t seem to cut it in my book. Definitely not worth his $45 million deal with American Idol.

11. Conan O’Brien

Did you watch Conan on The Tonight Show before NBC canned him? Probably not, hence the reason he got the boot. His ratings were crap and for good reason: his show just wasn’t that good. The guy is funny, yes, but he’d never be getting the international love or giant TBS paycheck if he weren’t involved in the late night scandal of the century.

12. Colin Farrell

From bad boy to boring in record time.  All those illegitimate children and baby mamas killed whatever mojo he had working. Though I’m still trying to figure out what that mojo was.

13. Russell Brand

Bringing us back to a time when teased hair, heavy eyeliner, and open shirts were the height of sophistication, why do we love this guy so much? He should be doing photos for rehab pamphlets, not Katy Perry.  Thumbs down for this quirky Brit.

14. Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Yes, all the nekkid time he gets on The Tudors is more than a little enjoyable, but his performance in Match Point was way too convincing for me.  Why would you be attracted to someone with those crazy eyes?  WHY?

15. Chace Crawford

Aw, isn’t she precious?  If you like your men coiffed, tweezed, rouged, and lip glossed, Chace is your [wo]man. Come on, he should be starring in an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, not as the Upper East Side’s premier hottie in Gossip Girl.

16. Justin Bieber

I’ve found the cure for Bieber Fever.  It’s called puberty.  Time we all move on to someone old enough to vote.

17. Patrick Dempsey

Ladies, admit it to yourselves: McDreamy is getting McOld (and not in a George Clooney way).  Sure, he was hot in the first season of Grey’s Anatomy.  We were amazed at how he transformed from his awkward ’80s movie phase, how he got his hair under control and put on a little (just a little) muscle.  Now, in 2010, I feel like we’ve seen all the tricks up this doctor’s sleeves.

18. Johnny Depp

How this guy keeps winning People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” I’ll never know. He wears more flannel than I did in 1994 and it seems like it’s been that long since he last stepped foot in a shower.

19. Robert Pattinson

Because a rat’s nest on your head and rumors of body odor are totally sexy.  Not.  I really don’t understand the worldwide fascination with this dude.  What do you see here that’s so appealing?  His face isn’t even symmetrical!

20. Taylor Lautner

Another gorgeous bod, but have you ever heard this guy open his mouth? No? That’s a good thing. There’s just not much goin’ on in there.  He just kind of smiles and stands there while his muscles bulge out of his shirt. Yawn.

21. The Situation

Seriously?  He doesn’t even have a real name. The Situation.  He sounds like Bono or Prince…except totally talentless and worse for the future of our planet than an epic BP oil leak.

22. Michael Cera

He was great in Juno.  And Juno 2.  And Juno 3.  Oh wait, those were different movies?  I want to see this kid doing SWAT team psycho-thrillers or the A-Team 2, then maybe I’ll pay attention again.

23. Zac Efron

He has a knack for dribbling to the beat of a show tune, but Zac’s High School Musical Days are over. And let’s be honest: the only good thing going for him was his pretty blonde hair. Too bad J. Bieber’s got the same do. Ciao, Efron.

24. The Jonas Brothers

Why were they famous in the first place? Just ’cause young Nick Jonas could sing and the other two decided to tag along in tight pants and skinny ties? Much like gyrating 10-year-olds and the phenomenon that is grown men “moving their hips like this,” I blame Miley for this one.

25. Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt used to be a sexy piece of man meat before he cheated on the sweet Jennifer Aniston with homewrecker, Angelina Jolie. Now he just looks like that smelly guy you avoid at Bonaroo.

26. Kellan Lutz

Hot body: check. Uh…erm….what else does this guy have to offer?

27. Ashton Kutcher

So he married a (hot) old lady. Snore. I miss the days when he was making Justin Timberlake cry.

28. Justin Timberlake

He’s the most successful former member of N’SYNC and does the funniest SNL appearances. Which is like saying Lauren Conrad is the smartest girl on The Hills and Kelly Bensimon is the craziest member of The Real Housewives – really, not saying much.

29. Adam Lambert

A weird hybrid of Elton John and Pete Wentz, I just can’t get behind a guy who uses more nail polish, eyeliner and hair product than me. No matter how big his tongue is.

30. Jay-Z

The guy talks. About how rich he is. With music playing in the background. Is that what makes a legendary rap star these days?

We’re back with another edition of G.W.W.E. (Guys We Wanna Eff), and no, that’s not a typo! This week, we have a very special treat in store–instead of featuring one luscious lad, we have decided to salute ten of Hollywood’s hottest vets in honor of Memorial Day. Some battled enemies on the war front, others on screen, but all of these studs are on our short list for a pleasure-filled patriotic eff. After all, what’s hotter than a man in uniform?

1. Jimmy Stewart (US Air Force)
The star of my all-time favorite movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, served part of his wonderful life in the US Air Force.  Looks like Clarence the angel wasn’t the only one who got his wings!

2. Elvis Presley (US Army)
The King was a member of the Army before he was a member of the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame.  For his service and those sick swingin’ hips, I’ve got just one thing to say: thankyuhverymuuhch!

3.  Jake Gyllenhaal (Screen Vet)
The ferocious indie-hunk immortalized the first Gulf War in 2005′s Jarhead. Tell me, Jake, have those guns in that photo been authorized by the Marines?

4.  Josh Hartnett (Screen Vet)
Josh has pulled two, erm, tours of duty–one in the WWII film Pearl Harbor, and another in Black Hawk Down, the film portraying American involvement in the Somalian civil war.

5. Martin Sheen (Screen Vet)
Another two-time screen vet, the West Wing President was first a US Army captain in Francis Ford Coppola’s Vietnam War epic, Apocalypse Now and as Civil War General Robert E. Lee in Gettysburg.

6. Alan Alda (Screen Vet)
The recent 30 Rock guest star first shot to stardom on one of television’s most popular shows, the Korean War comedy M*A*S*H.  Anyone who can make wartime funny is worth an eff in my book.

7. Humphrey Bogart (US Navy)
One of the true classic film stars, Casablanca cassanova Bogart served in the US Navy (and enjoyed all the girls he met at sea!).

8. Matthew Broderick (Screen Vet)
SJP’s hubby made unfettered determinism (and facial hair) sexy in the timeless Civil War film, Glory. No trace of Ferris Bueller-esque slackerism here.

9. Joe DiMaggio (Army)
He thanked the good Lord for making him a Yankee, but we thank the pinstriped papa for his service to his country. Joltin’ Joe took a hiatus from the House that Ruth Built and joined the Army during WWII.

10. Ben Affleck (Screen Vet)
Oscar-winning celeb and Jennifer Garner’s baby daddy had all of our hearts a-thumpin’ in Pearl Harbor, alongside fellow hottie Josh Hartnett (see above).

Ladies, who else do you think deserves a spot on our list of V.W.W.E. (Vets We Wanna Eff)?

I’m not really one discriminate, but there’s something so sexy about a man who takes care of the environment. Just the thought of planting trees together gets me going.  His strong hands covered in dirt, biceps bulging as he lowers the shovel into the ground, his body sweating… Is it hot in here or is it just global warming?

Call me a tree hugger if you want, but I would gladly hug (naked hug?) any of these earth friendly hotties. So reduce, reuse and recycle and then sit back and relax while you admire our Earth Day gift to you. (Click on the image to get see the boys in all their earth-loving splendor.)

As millions flock to Washington for the inauguration, many of us prefer (or were forced) to stay at home and not be part of the mad rush of people that will surely cause all of the highways around D.C. and the surrounding states to be jam-packed with people and cars (I’ve had enough with the crowding during the Olympics to last a lifetime). But just because you’re not on the scene doesn’t mean you can’t be with the scene!

There are plenty of other people around who didn’t make the trek to D.C., so have a party! It may be last minute, but there is still plenty of time to gather your friends and a little patriotism together for a killer Proud to be An American bash.

Here are some fun ways for you to celebrate being in American – red, white, and blue style.

Decorate: Now is the perfect time to whip out your old Fourth of July gear and host the best inauguration-watching party ever! Turn your living room into an American flag: blow up balloons, hang  flags on the wall, spread a red tablecloth and set out little blue napkins.

Costumes: Aren’t costume parties the best? Encourage your guests to dress up as their favorite political figure and award to the best-dressed and best-impersonation (cigar, anyone?) with an American favorite: a 30 pack of cheap beer.

FOOD! You can take the easy route with some red, white and blue foods, like watermelon, blueberries and cottage cheese, or you can whip up something patriotic:

• Name foods after fun themes such as “Campaign Trail Mix,” “Sloppy Joe Bidens,” “Barack of Ribs,” “Chicken Right Wings,” or, my personal favorite, “Lipstick Pigs In A Blanket.”
• Make some RW&B Popsicles. Just get any type of juice in all three colors (I like using kool-aid) and some dixie cups and popsicle sticks. Pour the red juice into each cup to about 1/3 full, then freeze until it’s almost frozen but still a little slushy. Insert a popsicle stick into the middle, then pour the white juice in until it’s 2/3 full. Freeze it again, then add the blue juice. Freeze one more time, peel the cups off, and – voila! – patriotism on a stick.
• Want to be more like Obama? Make chili, one of his favorite foods!

Play Some Games: Baseball isn’t called America’s pastime for nothing. Go outside (bundled in scarves and thick jackets, I hope) and toss a few around. I’m sure you could figure out a way to turn that into a drinking game. If baseball isn’t your thing, go shoot some hoops. Instead of playing Horse, though, make it a game of Donkey. Or Obama. Or See Ya Later, Bush! Or, if it’s too cold out, just play a game of  Obama Speech Bingo. Our bet’s on the word “change” getting the most chips.

American Karaoke: Sure, karaoke is usually reserved for Meatloaf and The Outfield, but this is a God Bless America party! Break out the old American faves like Yankee Doodle and God Bless America. Beyonce may have had to perform in front of billions of people, including the president, but you just have to sing in front of your friends, so belt it out shamelessly.

Watch a Movie: Throw in an old American action flick, like The Patriot, Saving Private Ryan, or Black Hawk Down. (Because nothing says I Love America quite like Josh Hartnett. Mmmm.) Or, if you want laughter instead of tears, watch some hilarious youtube videos of past presidents. Shoes not included.

Be proud and celebrate being an American on this great day in U.S. history. You betcha I sure am.

So Josh Hartnett has a sex tape. God heard our prayers! What we wouldn’t give to see that thing…in IMAX. [Wipes drool off of desk.] Knowing this (and praying that we can one day watch it) got us thinking: what does one eat while watching a sex tape? Popcorn? Edible underwear?

Also, who else would we want to see starring in their very own sex tape?

Ed Westwick, fo sho.

The teacher from the new 90210.

Ourselves (for private viewing only…and the cellulite would have to be airbrushed).

Anyone, in fact, besides these people:

Dave Coulier: We imagine there would be voices and impressions.

Barbara Walters: So. many. wrinkles.

Tim Gunn: “Make this work.”

Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson: Self explanatory.

Al Roker: Imagine that face paired with an orgasm.

Al Gore: We imagine he’s opposed to the excess waste caused by condoms.

Carrot Top: Ew.

Gary Busey: Shudder.

Roseanne Barr: Would you want to see her in the buff?

Spencer Pratt: The actual act of sex isn’t the problem. It is our fear that he may reproduce.

Phyllis from The Office: She did earn the Dundee for “Bushiest Beaver.” We don’t need to find out if it was well deserved.

Honorable Mention:

Our parents.