I’ve got to get this out. Joy Bauer pisses me the f*ck off.

For those of you who have saved yourself by not knowing who this lady is, I’m about to ruin you — Joy Bauer is the nutritionist correspondent for the Today Show. She’s also published a ton of books and written about eating your veggies for a bunch of publications. Basically, she’s the Martha Stewart of the health world.

So why do I hate her? Because she’s systematically trying to destroy my happy relationship with food.

Every time I turn on the Today Show (read: while I’m on the elliptical at the ass crack of dawn or getting ready to brave the day) Bauer seems to be running her mouth about all the fantastic! and easy! ways for Americans to lose weight. As she gestures with her skinny arms (I want to know if this lady has ever lived a day over 115 pounds) to bad foods! and their subsequent good food! counterparts, I can’t help but want to shake that way-too-wide grin off her face.

Because she wouldn’t be so happy if she was actually taking all of her grey, lifeless advice.

Her recent “4 Weeks to a Better Body” segment illustrates exactly what I’m taking about. Her advice to get thin in 4 weeks? Basically: make your life so boring food wise the pounds will drop off your body in pity.

Some example “tips”:

1) keep only one or two snack items in the house

One or two snack items? Who the hell enjoys eating the same damn thing over and over again? Even peanut butter filled pretzel bites lose their appeal if they’re my only “snack” source for an extended period of time. This method is sure to make me start hating foods I once loved. Read More »

I am sitting at a very long table. There are hundreds of people on all sides of me also sitting at very long tables. The only things that separate us are stacks of books, empty coffee cups and crumbs from the last meal we ate 6 hours ago. I have a highlighter and a pen stuffed into my ponytail, which I pull out whenever I need to remind myself of a topic I need to re-learn.

So far, the pen and highlighter have spent the majority of the day working their way across my notebook.

My shoes were kicked off hours ago and I would be resting my feet on the chair next to me if it weren’t for this big oafy kid neeeeeeeeding to sit there to study. Ass.

I am literally ready to pull my hair out. Ready to go home and watch some crappy reality television. Ready to do anything but study. But I can’t; I have two finals tomorrow.

And I am in a sh*tty mood.

Not even my friends visiting me with a milkshake could shake me out of this funk.

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