Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching: Read More »

My Tuesday nights typically look like this:

After class I put on my workout clothes and head over to the gym for a 5pm yoga class. When yoga is over and I’m good and centered (and quite limber), I head home, cook myself something healthy (last night it was chili…good thing that happened after yoga) then run to my friend’s apartment to get inspired by The Biggest Loser. And drool for Bob. And when that two hours is done and I’m feeling happy, good and healthy…I come home and watch The Hills.

Which makes me feel shallow, angry…and in the mood for something unhealthy and dipped in chocolate.

I know that no one is forcing me to watch this sh*tshow, but no matter how annoying it has become, I’ve been watching these kids since the beginning and I refuse to quit now. Mama didn’t raise no quitter! But that doesn’t mean I don’t hate all 22 minutes of it. Two of which (yes, I was timing it) were taken up by long and angry stares last night.

I guess my main problem with the show these days is that MTV isn’t even trying to convince us of its reality anymore. It’s like they know we’re hooked so they don’t even try to explain anything. Whereas it used to be that they claimed these kids were living their real lives in their 20’s and MTV was just along for the ride, now no one works, but everyone seems to live in giant houses and drive around in $80,000 cars. Read More »

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.” Read More »

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO? Read More »

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995. Read More »

"Just smile and pretend you still like me."

Looks like Todd Palin may be single soon, ladies!

So now the real Paris secrets are comin’ out.

This is how you buy fabulous footwear.

OMG, I want old Christian Bale back!

Tiger Woods is good at golf. And farting.

Kristen Cavillari’s a backstabbing bia.

After watching some weird 80’s flashback episode of Gossip Girl, I was hoping for something a little more…er… modern entertaining when it came to The Hills last night. And besides that weird sequins headband thingy that Steph wore (and that I also wore in 1994 to a dance recital) MTV came through for me once again.

Unlike last week’s episode where nothing really happened, there was a whole lot of action last night. And everyone was at work! This is only the 2nd time we’ve seen anyone working this season. The cast has been too busy jet-setting to get anything done and I really sorta forgot that people in L.A. even have jobs. I figured they just celebrated birthday parties, went clubbing and stayed in fancy resorts in Hawaii year round.

Anyways, people were working. And people, lots of people, were getting the boot. Read More »

Tonight was a pretty stellar night. First, I worked out next to a total hottie on the elliptical (but didn’t muster up the courage in my sweaty ‘beater to say anything), then I came home and watched an AMAZING episode of Gossip Girl while eating an ice cream sandwich, and then Spencer and Heidi went to therapy.

When I die, I hope heaven is this good.

A lot of little things happened on tonight’s episode of The Hills. There was the budding romance between Audrina and Brody, or, more likely, MTV trying to make it seem like some big thing that will ultimately end with nothing ever happening. There was Stephanie being a giant moron at People’s Revolution where we learn she can’t answer phones and she doodles when people yell at her (probably because she can’t turn to coke and heroin anymore).

But those were only an appetizer to the delicious drama that was served up next. Read More »

You know how you used to love reading books? And then you got to college and if you never had to read another book as long as you lived it will be too soon.

Yeah, that’s how I feel about The City.

I used to totally live for the MTV reality shows: Laguna Beach, The Hills, hell, even Bromance. But The City totally killed it all for me and watching it every week is like sticking a Christian Louboutin heel in my eye. Except minus the glamour and excitement of having a Louboutin to shove in my cornea.

This show is terrible. TERRIBLE.  The characters are all extremely dense and boring and I just cannot muster up an feelings for any of them. I take notes during the episode and this is what I had at the end of the show: Read More »

I imagine what the MTV production meeting looked like before tonight’s episode of The City was planned.

“Hey guys. We totally effed up on the drama factor by letting Whit and Jay get together so quickly. Let’s introduce some new characters….er….invite more ‘real people’ in so we can have new dramz. Oh, and let’s make sure to make everyone meet up in the park to discuss their issues. Letting it all happen in their apartments is boring.”

Seriously – the episode was boring. I barely cared about the Jay shiz and now they want me to care about some not-so-cute model and her douchey boyfriend? Not only do I not know this girl, but her situation isn’t nearly as fun to watch as Audrina and Justin Bobby, so why should I care?

Yes, it sucks to see some chick get her heart broken when her BF has guy night at a strip club and some girl (who was at the strip club, why?) ends up maybe making out with him. And, yes, it was kinda funny to watch her BF try to warn her of the sitch while driving her home from the airport (“I love you so much. I love you. Did you talk to Whitney?”).

But I don’t care.

Read More »