OMG. Oh. My. God.

What a freaking series finale that was!

I apologize if this recap is less than stellar, but I could barely get out of bed this morning after laying awake for most of the night trying to figure out what was real on the past 6 seasons of The Hills and what was shot at a soundstage in Los Angeles.

Anyone else see that one coming? I know I didn’t. I spent the entire episode scribbling notes about the forced endings for all of the characters, Brody’s horrible attempt at tears at Kristin’s goodbye party, and questioning the whole “Kristin is moving to Europe” plotline when we all know she’s still trolling L.A. in a bikini and heels.

But then, BAM, Kristin’s Town Car pulls away and we watch as the backdrop behind sad Brody gets pulled away to reveal a set and a crew. I screamed – like actually screamed – then paused my DVR to digest what just happened.

I gotta say, MTV is f**king brilliant. For the past 6 seasons of The Hills people have questioned if the show was real or fake. Just when we thought it was 100% scripted, they would bring in someone’s parents or document one of the cast member’s relationships that we knew was real from reading the tabloids. So we’d keep watching and following and referring to these people’s lives as if they were real.

MTV blurred the lines between real and fake and now that the show is over, no one really knows which was which.

Even more, had this show been shot in any other way – had we known with 100% certainty that it was a scripted drama like others on TV – no one would have ever watched.  Would you watch Gossip Girl if the only drama was someone dating someone’s ex? Or if all Blair and Serena did was go shopping and nibble on salad at restaurants? No, because that gets boring. We watch shows like that because we want to escape into the insane lives of others, to experience things we’d never experience in real life. But when we think we’re following the lives of some “regular” twenty-somethings, we get hooked on the “normal” drama and want to find out what happens next.

And that made The Hills the biggest show in MTV’s lineup.
Simply brilliant.

But the ending wasn’t the only thing worth mentioning on last night’s series finale. The episode was the perfect culmination of all 6 years of this show (including a lot of “then” and “now” photos – remember when Heidi looked NORMAL!?). It had stupid drama (Kristin’s chat with Brody by the pool), bottle service at a bar, and one amazing quote that is embodies the characters as a whole:

“You’re, like, the manliest guy I’ve ever dated, but at the same time, you’re, like, the sweetest guy… Yeah, ‘cuz you just, like, ride a dirt bike, but then, like, you’re just, like, a care bear.”

Thank you, Stephanie Pratt.

But now it’s all over. No more Audrina and Justin Bobby. No more Kristin and Brody. No more Stephanie and Lo and Frankie and that weird kid with the Hipster ‘stache. No more private planes, impromptu trips to exotic locations or me bitching about how there is no way on earth this show could be real because these people don’t have jobs. It’s the end of all of these people’s careers an era and, DAMN, did they go out with a bang.

It’s the end of an era. After 6 seasons of fake drama, long and uncomfortable staring, and fights over cocktails that no one seems to pay for, The Hills is coming to an end tonight. There are many rumors surrounding tonight’s one-hour episode, like whether Speidi will make an appearance, if LC will show up and if Audrina and JB will get back together. I don’t know what is going to happen but after watching 101 episodes of the show, I know one thing for sure: nothing is really going to happen at all.

Still, just knowing that the final episode of The Hills is a mere 6 hours away has me all torn up inside. It’s like saying goodbye to your best friends on the last day of sleep away camp. Or packing up at the end of freshman year. I’m sad.  I’ve known The Hills kids for longer than some of my friends. We’ve been through so much together, from LC and Jason’s epic break-up to Whitney’s departure to New York to the crash and burning of Lauren and Heidi’s relationship. And now, after 40 minutes of “drama”, 20 minutes of commercials, and an aftershow with those two really annoying MTV people, it’s just going to end. And I’ll be left with nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and nothing to watch on Tuesday nights.

The only thing getting me through this time of heartache and pain is the hope that, in true MTV fashion, one or more of our favorite Hills cast members will get a spin-off. And if that’s the case, I have an idea of what those shows will be:

Stare Down With Audrina Patridge:
In this half-hour game show, contestants will face Audrina Patridge for a staring contest. The rules are simple: the one who blinks first loses and has to have a 30 minute conversation with Ms. P while running their finger’s through Justin Bobby’s hair. The one who wins takes home a brand new set of boobs.

Justin Bobby: Who Can Stand Me?:
Much like The Bachelor, Rock of Love and For the Love of Ray J, Justin Bobby invites 12 women to an oversized mansion in L.A. to compete for his love. But instead of giving out fedoras in “the most dramatic fedora ceremony yet,” Justin just acts like himself, mumbles about love and burps at dinner. The woman who can stand him the longest wins a spot on the back of his motorcycle.

Stephanie Pratt: The Sober Life
Follow Ms. Pratt as she attempts to live her post-DUI life sans Vodka Red Bulls. Can she go on dates without having a glass of wine? Shop without an early morning mimosa?? This one’s so chock full of drama it will get a full hour of MTV prime time.

Ryan Cabrera: Surreal Life
That’s the show for washed-up has beens, right?

Lo Bosworth: How to be Normal in L.A.
Lo hits the mean hallways of LAX to ambush the new crop of ladies making their way west to make their “dreams come true.” Before they can hit the California sunshine and get brainwashed by the Heidi Montags of the world, Lo sits them down and gives them a crash course on staying low-key and fabulous in the city of Angels. With special guest appearances by her adorable boyfriend, of course.

Brody Jenner: Bromance
Oh wait… that one already happened.

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?!

Lo Celebrates her One Year Anniversary
And toasts her adorable BF with a shot. God, I love that girl. And I love that boy. They are so cute together and their post-date snuggle sesh officially goes down as the cutest moment in Hills history. We haven’t seen adorableness like that since Brody came out of Kristin’s room in her crop top LC and Justin cuddled up on the porch of their Malibu beach house after she skipped Paris to spend the summer with him. Let’s just hope Lo’s man doesn’t start doing drugs and punching bouncers outside of bars.

Frankie Falls off a Bike
Homeboy needs some training wheels.

Kristin Professes her Love for Brody and Gets Shot Down
Sigh. This whole thing makes me want to scream. Much like the Vienna/Jake interview, I wasn’t sure who I wanted to punch more in this little scenario. We’ve got Kristin who plays games with Brody for two years and pretends she wants nothing more than a little boom boom when everyone (except Brody, apparently) knows that’s not the case. And then we’ve got Brody who pretended to not know that Kristin wanted more than boom boom just so he could get some for two years while he waits for another Playboy bunny (or Avril Lavigne??) to come along. Seriously, dude? That’s the pussiest move I’ve ever seen. I know Brody isn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer, but he does know his way around a lady and he definitely knew what he was doing. He can blame this entire thing on poor KK (“It’s too late”), and she deserves some of the blame for never speaking up, but he knew exactly what he was doing and is a super selfish prick for messing with one of his friends.

Hm. I guess I do know who I want to punch more. Watch your back, Brody…. and Jake Pavelka!

Whew. Just recapping that episode wiped me out. Good thing I have a week to recover before the giant series finale. Will LC come back? Will Heidi come out of hiding? Will she have even bigger boobs? Will Justin Bobby propose to Audrina? Will Brody chase Kristin as she (fake) leaves LA? Will we finally learn how Stacie knows Kristin? Will Ryan Cabrera make a cameo in jorts?

It’s gonna be an hour so anything’s possible! OMG I can’t wait.

"You're so funny, Will. And cute. Did you hear that, BRODY?!"

Have you ever tried eating animal crackers while watching The Hills? I have…out of a Costco basin…. and those little guys are so crunchy I couldn’t hear a thing. I can’t tell you how many times I had to rewind the show so I didn’t miss anything important. Which, as it turns out, was a total waste of time once I actually listened to what was going on:

“Justin just grabbed my ass. Both cheeks.” – Audrina

“Brody was so mean last night.” – Stacey
“Who does he think he is?” – Kristin
“He’s such a jerk” – Stacey
“I know.” – Kristin

“Whatever it is it is; whatever it will be it will be.” – Faux-losipher Justin

But the monumental 100^th episode of The Hills wasn’t all dumb comments mumbled by pretty people/me thinking about the 50+ hours I’ve wasted in my life watching this show. Things actually happened! Frankie wore a Speedo and Aquasocks! Audrina wore an itsy, bitsy bikini on a surf board! Stephanie Pratt was slightly hilarious!

The biggest thing to do down last night was, of course, the dramz between Kristin and Brody. After two seasons of listening to this girl talk about how she doesn’t want a relationship, she likes doing things casually, she’s not a girly girl, blahhhhhh, home girl finally opened up. Sure it took packing up an LV suitcase, getting on a (shady looking) prop plane, flying to Costa Rica and getting wasted in a bikini on top of a bar, but Kristin finally admitted what we all already knew: she’s in love with the Brode-man.

And if that little scene in the pool with Taylor wasn’t desperate enough, Kristin got a one way ticket to Pathetic-ville and started hitting on the overly enthusiastic and totally dweeby hotel bartender with the lip piercing just to make Brody jealous.  I’d like to think Brody totally saw through this little charade (mostly because I’m in love with that kid – even if he wears beanies in the middle of a tropical rainforest – and I hope he’s not that dumb that he wouldn’t see the signs), but who knows? His longing stares and sad, puppy dog eyes did seem to dominate the camera time for most of the episode as Kristin was off with Will laughing a little too loud, throwing her head back a little too hard, and making really sloppy kissy sounds on the beach.

And speaking of sloppy kissy sounds…
OK, actually, that’s a terrible transition but I didn’t really know how to move on to Audrina and Justin Bobby so just roll with it.

JB obviously spent his time in Costa Rica trying to get back in Audrina’s pants. The moment he pinched her ass, I thought for sure she was going to cave and give him a little jungle lovin’. (I was also really jealous that her ass is that small that the guy can grab both cheeks at once and promptly put down the animal crackers.) But she didn’t! In fact, the only thing Audrina gave JB was a heaping spoonful of ‘tude.

“Would you come back here again?”
“Not with you.”

Buuurn. Way to stay strong, Audrina! I know I give this girl a lot of sh*t, but I was really proud of her for finally standing up for herself and realizing that Justin Bobby is nothing more than a pretty body with some unfortunate tattoos. Granted, she’ll probably hook up with him during the 101st episode, but for now, I gotta give her mad props.

And now it’s time to start counting down to next week. I can’t be sure (mostly because my DVR cut off midway through the preview), but I have a feeling we’re gonna be getting Heidi and Spencer back and I couldn’t be more excited. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss those asshats.

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach.

But I also know that Kristin and JB were a huge point of drama last season and now everyone’s acting as if it never happened. And it did. KK can’t be all buddy buddy with Audrina now and talk to her about her relationship with Justin (much like she can’t pull off that Gucci bathing suit she was sportin’….) after she shoved him in Audrina’s face last year. And why isn’t it awkward city between the two of them? Huh?

Whew. It feels good to get that all off my chest. So therapeutic…

Now I can get to the real “meat” of the show. Which, oh wait, is pretty much all about Justin Bobby. There was a little something in there with Allie and Mckaela, but even thinking about that storyline puts me in a coma. And there was also a giant, nappy weave on Kristin’s head at the Nylon party but thinking of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, and Steph had a date and told him what he probably already discovered on Google. So let’s just focus on the good stuff.

Like when Justin showed up at Les Deux. (BTW, how great is it that they’re going back there again? It’s like the Peach Pit of The Hills and they’re really bringing this show full circle by returning to their stomping grounds from LC’s first months in L.A.). So Justin rolls in, shakes Audrina’s hand and then expresses his Ryan Cabrera disdain to Brody:

“That girl deserves the world.”  Apparently in Justin Bobby land, “the world” is a guy currently sporting a bouffant who burps on dates, cheats on her, and lies to her face for three years.

“He’s a rock and roller, dude. Women will be around.” Uh, not to be nit picky, Justin, but trust me on this one: no he’s not and no they won’t.

I mean, did you see the kid performing? Audrina did. And she cried. At first I thought maybe it was because she had just cheated on him with Justin Bobby (Why else would she show up late with a messy ponytail on top of her head??) and felt all guilty when she saw how sweet and innocent he was, but then I realized it was probably because her boyfriend was singing a 2003 MTV hit in a pair of white skinny jeans to a “crowd” of 1,000 people.

Girl, I’d cry too. And I’d probably put an end to things as well. She’s got a reputation to keep (not to mention ratings to maintain) and everyone knows Ryan is killing it for her. He’s a nice guy, yes, but Audrina doesn’t like the nice guy. She likes the faux-philosophical, greasy, smelly, jerky guy. And unfortunately for Ryan Cabrera and the career he was hoping to save by getting on this show, that guy just rolled back into town. On his bad-ass motorcycle. That doesn’t even have a seat.

Let’s see if Cabrera can do that….without getting his white skinnies dirty.
Till next week, peeps!

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor.

I may hate Kristin and her perfect wardrobe, but I really felt for her in that moment when she realized that she’d lost and Brody had won. When she knew that while he was at home canoodling with Mckaela (ugh, it’s even worse when the girl spells her name like that), Kristin was going home alone. Poor girl; she wasted a perfectly good outfit and about 150 calories, and the night was a major bust.

Thank god she’s got her personal trainer to vent to in the morning.

Meanwhile, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina put on their finest rocker gear and hit up some music showcase for Audrina’s fake job. And – surprise! – Justin Bobby’s band was playing. There was a lot of “should we stay or should we go,” but Audrina couldn’t look away from sweaty JB rockin’ out on the drums. And I couldn’t either; it was like a trainwreck. He looked so scary with him mouth all open and sh*t. Anyway, somewhere between the “ED STANLEY!” cheers from the crowd and Justin tearing off all his clothes, Lo warned Audrina to tell Ryan Cabrera (who, by the way, is getting more and more annoying by the minute) that they ran into him. Honestly, the way Lo made it out, you’d think Audrina got naked and humped JB on the drum set. Is it really that big of a deal that she happened to see his band play? Is that cheating in Ryan’s book?

And more importantly, what sort of “tour” is Ryan Cabrera going on, anyway? Has that kid made any music since his Ashlee Simpson days?

But I digress. Audrina doesn’t tell Ryan about her Justin Bobby interlude and then gets cozy with him at the club. (I smell scandal! Or maybe Justin Bobby farted?) It’s fine, though. What Ryan doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? I mean, it’s not like Audrina has cameras following her around or that this exact moment will be shown on MTV 12 times a day for the next 3 months. Her secret is totally safe.

Personally, though, I’m hoping he does find out. That kid is far too happy/chipper/talks like the guy from Blue’s Clues and I really want to see what he looks like mad. Plus, without Speidi (or even drunk Holly), the show just isn’t as fun to watch anymore. Bring on the drama!

It all started in the whimsical land of Laguna Beach, where dreams and drama were born (if dreams included watching Steven juggle between Lauren and Kristen, and drama included which beach party to attend). Then the Laguna locals have moved to bigger boobs and better things, in Hollywood.  And now ‘The Hills’ begins it’s 7th and final run on Tuesday. Hold your caps folks, it’s going to be a wild ride! Kristen might get those star tattoos on her foot this time! Are you excited?!?

I am.

But besides the drama-jacked “reality,” there may be more to take from the extensions and unnaturally lit dinners than we think. I think it is important to learn from everything in life, even mistakes. And DVRing ‘The Hills’ is definitely a mistake…. that I keep on making. So in honor of our favorite guilty pleasure’s final season, the life lessons I took from ‘The Hills’:

1. How to Make the Right Decision
Lauren really taught us a valuable lesson in the first season.  Maybe shacking up at your low-life boyfriend’s beach house isn’t a dream come true.  Especially with a boyfriend who only plays basketball in his free time and pounds shots at exclusive clubs every night.  Thanks, but I’ll take the job in NYC, and leave the alcoholic boyfriend at home to wallow in his sorrows empty shot glass.

2. You Don’t Need a College Degree to Get a Job
Let me see if I’m getting this right: after surfing your entire high school career and attending black and white parties every weekend, you can road trip to L.A., walk into the offices of Vogue and intern aside sweet people like Whitney Port? See ya never, college!

3. Guys With Private Planes, Are a Dime a Dozen
Obviously, every dude on this planet owns a private jet and rolls out with the boys to Cabo every weekend.

4. There’s Someone Out There For Everyone
Even Justin Bobby, the greasy haired, beanie wearing, motorcycle riding, faux-philosophical asshat who burps and farts in public. (Note to self: Cancel that order for 12 cats.)

5. Living Together Is Not a Fairytale
While I don’t think any sort of fairytale should start with a blond bearded Spencer Pratt, ‘The Hills’ has taught us living with one ain’t the beginning of perfection either. The minute you move in with your man, all he is good for is stealing remote controls from small children and golfing in the backyard with his douchey buddies.

6. Anything Can Be Cool
Kristen made star tattoos sound cool when she briefly discussed getting a couple more on her foot in a light-hearted discussion with Justin Bobby last season.  And we all know plastic surgery and not being able to properly move your forehead will sell so many records for Heidi.

7. How to Discuss Issues with Friends
“So…what did you and Brody do last night?” Leading questions when hanging out with friends are a great way to pry the truth out of your peers.  It is also important to discuss issues only while shopping, eating at a bistro, or getting a mani-pedi.

8. Looks Are Everything
For a cast who spends 15 minutes of every episode getting a mani-pedi, and the other 15 minutes sifting through clothing racks, I can only come to the conclusion that looking good is the key to D-List celebrity status success.

9. How to be Romantic
Because tricking your husband into having a baby (over candlelight and dinner) is the ultimate in romance.

10.Proper Vocabulary
I don’t know how many times the word ‘seriously’ is used and abused in ‘The Hills’, but I think the consistency is a strong indicator that we should all be using it more. Seriously.

So there it is folks, we’ve learned a lot. Come back Wednesday morning for a full recap of the season premiere! And with that, I’m dunzo. Peace out, bitches.

You’d think MTV would give Kristin a little more time to pack up her things and get out of the house they rented for her, but no; they pushed her out on the last day of filming. Where will she go? I mean, I know Justin offered her to “check out my spot” (which, in my Justin Bobby dictionary, translates to “crash with me”), but I imagine that isn’t up to her lavish, beachfront living standards.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s a reason The Hills has never shot at Justin Bobby’s house. I’m picturing a dark, musty basement studio with leather and hair product everywhere. And a shower that’s never been used.

But if Kristin didn’t go there, what other options does she have? She can’t go back to her dad/yoga-stepmom’s house in Laguna – MTV was clearly paying for that one, too. And they probably packed up their protein shakes months ago. The only other person she’s got to turn to is Stacie and I’m pretty sure she lives in the backroom of that nasty bar she used to work at.

I guess Kristin better hope and pray that the ratings of this show didn’t drop low enough to end it. Homegirl needs an MTV house or she’ll be shacking up at casa de Brody and Jayde.

Cuz you know those two are bunking up somewhere in L.A. I know MTV spent 6 whole minutes (which is like half of the show, really) making us all believe that Brody was finally done with her, but everyone with an US Weekly subscription (or a few minutes in the checkout lane at CVS) knows those two losers are still doin’ it. And that’s fine… if Jayde is a phenomenal actress and really isn’t as annoying in real life as she is on the show. Maybe she’s actually intelligent; she doesn’t drag out all her words and turn 1 syllable-words into 2 (“Whyyyyyya?”); that 99% of the conversations she has with Brody aren’t juvenile and full of fighting words (“I mean you were the one that was the jerk. I’ve forgiven you so you should be happy that I’m even talking to you about this right now.”).

Maybe she isn’t totally pathetic.

But she probably is. Much like her co-star Audrina. And, just so you know, I thought she was pathetic long before she wore that weird hat on that shopping trip with Lo. Audrina has always been a sad, pathetic little puppy and she took it even further last night when she went to visit Justin for “the last time.” Sure, she told Lo (and maybe even herself) that she just wanted to end things, but, really, weren’t things already ended? Putting on that hot outfit and meeting up at a romantic waterfront location made it obvious to anyone who’s ever sunk pretty low for a guy who treats them like crap (read: me) that she was hoping looking good/saying the right things would bring him back.

But her plan failed. They fought once again, Audrina’s perfect hair got ruined by the wind and Justin vroom-vroomed back into Kristin’s arms. He even let her wear his jacket! (Thank god he was wearing something underneath it this time.) As the sun was setting over Malibu, I imagine Justin Bobby was whispering nonsense/poetry into Kristin’s ear. How romantic…

And that was the end. Not sure what’s comin’ next, or if anything is coming next. We’ll just have to wait. In the meantime, though, we can catch up on our reading. I hear Speidi have a thrilling new book out.

Oh yeah. Speaking of which – Spencer wants to have a baby.
FML.

Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching:

1. Spencer almost gets a vasectomy or, as he calls it, “So you do go punch into the nuts.” It’s always nice to see a mature adult discuss a serious procedure like this with his doctor. Just the thought of someone taking away Spencer’s abilities to reproduce made me giddy. If that doctor could have convinced Spencer to go through with the procedure he would have won a Nobel Prize, for sure. Unfortch, comparing Spence’s penis parts to types of pasta sent ol’ flesh-beard over the edge and he ran out of there like a little biatch.

2. Audrina meets up with Justin Bobby to tell him that she still…um…you know….gosh, why is this so hard?….she likes him. And what does JB do? What he always does, of course; he turns it around and makes Audrina feel like she did this to him.

“When you pushed me away you pushed me into someone else.”

Uggggh, Justin Bobby. UGH! But that’s not even my biggest issue. No. JB has always been a giant dickhead to Audrina – who is really surprised by that anymore? The real problem here is that he wore a leather jacket without a shirt under it. WHO DOES THAT? Can you imagine what that smells like if he’s sweating in there? OMG, just the thought is bringing my Kashi Go Lean Crunch back up.

After class I put on my workout clothes and head over to the gym for a 5pm yoga class. When yoga is over and I’m good and centered (and quite limber), I head home, cook myself something healthy (last night it was chili…good thing that happened after yoga) then run to my friend’s apartment to get inspired by The Biggest Loser. And drool for Bob. And when that two hours is done and I’m feeling happy, good and healthy…I come home and watch The Hills.

Which makes me feel shallow, angry…and in the mood for something unhealthy and dipped in chocolate.

I know that no one is forcing me to watch this sh*tshow, but no matter how annoying it has become, I’ve been watching these kids since the beginning and I refuse to quit now. Mama didn’t raise no quitter! But that doesn’t mean I don’t hate all 22 minutes of it. Two of which (yes, I was timing it) were taken up by long and angry stares last night.

I guess my main problem with the show these days is that MTV isn’t even trying to convince us of its reality anymore. It’s like they know we’re hooked so they don’t even try to explain anything. Whereas it used to be that they claimed these kids were living their real lives in their 20′s and MTV was just along for the ride, now no one works, but everyone seems to live in giant houses and drive around in $80,000 cars.

Did Audrina purchase that Mercedes with her internship at the record label?
Did Heidi and Spencer afford that house in the Hollywood Hills on Spencer’s….wait, can you make money from sitting around reading magazines all day?
And how did Stephanie afford her total reconstructive surgery?

Well, on second thought, she probably saved a ton of money when she stopped eating…

Anyways, that’s not the point. Despite the fact that these people aren’t living a life even close to reality, I watch because I love the drama. And stupidity. And long, angry stares. And there was a little of each last night.

The drama:
The fight between Kristin and Audrina, which went a little something like this:
Kristin: Blah, blah, fake nice, blah, blah
Audrina: Blah, blah, Justin Bobby and I had drinks and he doesn’t like you, blah, blah, fake smile with big teeth
Kristin: YOU BITCH
Audrina: Stares blankly in the distance

Aaaaaand end scene. Well done, girls. Well done, indeed.

The stupidity:
Did Spencer really keep two dogs sitting in a bag all day and then give them to Heidi right when their “big” party started? Because I’m sure having a bunch of drunk d-bags over is the perfect opportunity to bring two living, breathing, needy babies into the house.

The long, angry stares:
Kristin and Justin Bobby, obviously. And I know we see the staring a lot on this show, but I swear I thought they were having an old-school staring contest this time. It went on forever. And, seriously, I never really understand why these people meet at really good restaurants to have fights and break up. No one ever gets to eat anything and they’re just taking a table from someone who might want to. Can’t they do it like real people and just send a text?

Or just never call back?

God, this show is so fake!