Last week, AOL’s Parent Dish blog posted an interview with Jon Gosselin in which the revolting reality star revealed that he’s flirting with Judaism. His current girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, is a Member of the Tribe herself, and she’s apparently turned him on to the wonders of Jewish holidays and munchies: “I just went through Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and learned about the new year and every Friday is the Shabbat dinner. I love challah bread. I’m learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar’s. I love that place. I’m learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself,” he said.

The interviewer then asked Jon if he can see himself converting, and he replied by saying that he’s already spoken to Rabbi Shmuley, star of TLC’s Shalom in the Home and Michael Jackson’s former BFF.

Jon’s only the latest in a long line of public figures who have made headlines by dabbling in Judaism—Britney Spears was spotted wearing a Star of David this summer, fueling rumors that she was switching religious teams to get closer to once and current boyfriend Jason Trawick. Lindsay Lohan reportedly announced on Facebook that she was converting for Samantha Ronson, although it’s unclear whether she went through with it since she and Sam split up last spring. And don’t forget about Madonna, whose uber-Christian name makes her devotion to Kabbalah insanely ironic.

I totally understand why stars would want to become Chosen People themselves. Our holidays are fun (we’ve got at least two that instruct those celebrating to get hammered), our food is incredible, and we’ve got pretty deep ties to the entertainment industry. Plus, I’m sure they think that doing anything that makes them more like Marilyn Monroe couldn’t hurt.

But here’s the thing: we Jews aren’t exactly excited about the prospect of welcoming idiot celebrities into our culture. Britney, Jewish girls get a bad enough reputation for being crazy—we don’t need you to make things worse. That goes double for Lindsay, who should also know that Jewish girls generally are sensible enough to wear a pair of pants once in awhile. And I think I speak for everyone I went to Hebrew School with when I say that I never, ever want to be in a position where I have anything in common with Jon Gosselin.

Okay, so Jon, Britney, and Lindsay wouldn’t exactly ruin the religion—especially since we’ve had bigger crises to deal with recently—but they wouldn’t be doing us any favors, either. Like any minority group, Jews love feeling a sense of pride when they see prominent fellow Jews succeeding. Likewise, we can’t help but feel disappointed when a Jew does something stupid. I think I’d be feeling a whole lot of disappointment if Jon Gosselin started regularly noshing on bagels and lighting candles on Friday nights.

Hailey Glassman, you’re breaking your mother’s heart. I hope you’re happy.

New daddy Pete Wentz heads back to work.

Ed Hardy’s daughter has a Super Duper Sweet 16.

Student groups being affected by national recession.

Another hot designer comes to H&M.

Laura Bush writing a tell-all book? This is gonna be juicy!

Joe the Plumber is now Joe the Late Night Commercial Dude!

House parties are where it’s at.

Kabbalah is boring! (But don’t tell Madonna.)

Tips for preventing holiday weight gain when you head home this week!

When are the creepy teachers gonna learn to stay away from the students?

The weekend is over. You still feel hungover. You have no idea where all your money went. And where is that other shoe? I mean, how the hell did you get home with only one shoe? Ugh, and now you have to be up and chipper for that damn internship that doesn’t pay you anything anyway. Not that you do anything there. You just sit around waiting for someone to give you something to do while you refresh Facebook/CollegeCandy every 5 minutes.

Yeah, it all really sucks, but let’s be honest….you still look a whole lot better than this.

What the hell happened to Madonna? Her face is sinking in! And look at those scary arms! I wonder if her baseball boyfriend turned her on to the ‘roids?

Poor lady. All that marriage drama and weird religion bullsh*t is really taking its toll on the pop superstar. She used to be a fashion/sex/music icon and now…now, all she is doing is making me feel a whole lot better about my Monday-morning-under-eye-circles.

Thanks, Madge!

[Photo courtesy of TheSuperficial.com. Love it!]

The rumors of brainwashing and cult status have hardly effected The Celebrity Centre’s “seekers of truth” as they pile in daily to find a path to spiritual enlightenment. Their beliefs seem to fall somewhere between basic human ethics and a science fiction novel, stirring up a wide spread controversy about the agenda of founder L. Ron Hubbard and the financially lucrative empire Scientology has become.

In anticipation of this article I decided to go straight to the sources before embarking on my research. But the more Scientologists I speak to the less I seem to learn about the religion itself. When interviewing a friend of a friend whose parents are active in the Centre and the Congregation, his answers hardly made any sense at all.

For instance: “Do you believe in God?” launched the same question back. “As a Scientologist, you choose whether or not you believe in a higher power. Every follower has a different perspective that can be applied to the religion”. The entire conversation left me with no direct conclusions to the mysteries that lie within the teachings. It seemed after speaking to a life long follower that even die hard Scientologists have a hard time putting their interpretations into perspective. It’s indistinct conclusions can easily apply to anyone and everyone with even the most minor sense of morality. So what exactly separates Scientologists from the rest of us?

Well, for starters they believe in Xenu, a galactic ruler who, 75 million years ago carried billions of humans to the planet, placed them around volcanoes, blowing them up with hydrogen bombs, causing their homeless souls to stick to the bodies of the living. Confused yet? It does sound more along the lines of Scientologist John Travolta’s film Battlefield Earth (based on a novel by Hubbard) than the doctrine that accompanies the contemporary religious belief. A better title for the box office bomb may have been “Incident 2”, as it is referred to in their scriptures. The events associated with “Incident 2” may also be referred to as “The R6 Implant” or “The Wall of Fire”. There was something about discovering blatantly twisted beliefs like these in my research that lead me to believe Hubbard was not creating a religion at all, but a statement on religion itself. With a sense of irony, something tells me that these impossible beliefs hold no actual investment. They simply exist to see who is vulnerable enough to actually believe them and in turn who will pay to a join the elitist club.

We have all seen the fold out tables conveniently placed in train stations during rush hour adorned with signs above reading “Stress Test”. What New Yorker, or human being for that matter, isn’t overwhelmed by the stress of daily life? This stress test or “tone scale” is more than just a public service for the aggravated commuter. The tone scale is a characterization of human mood. Ranging from a positive to a negative tone forty, it is measured from total failure to serenity of being. It is believed that the lower you score on this scale the less your interactions with the world will mean.

Out of curiosity, and a desire to form a full fledged opinion on the topic, I decided to give it a try. In the test, they not only questioned my ability to listen and believe in the ideas of others but I was surprised to find that they actually asked about my ability to be hypnotized. Chris, the seemingly normal young man that administered the test hardly ever seemed to blink when he looked into my eyes. He leaned closer as if revealing sensitive information and informed me that on a scale of forty I was a 2.5. When I asked what exactly that meant, he told me that I have a small group of close friends, I feel that others sometimes misunderstand me, I don’t achieve all the goals that I set for myself, and that my potential for success is fair, but can be considerably increased.

Only affirming all of my opinions when it comes to religious cults like this, I fled before he even got a chance to finish his pitch on Hubbard’s best selling book “Dianetics“, (a steal for eight dollars) but opted for a metro card over contrived spiritual enlightenment. So I guess for someone like me, on the low end of the tone scale the point would be to raise my score. This increase in points can be achieved by what they call “auditing”.

Auditing is the main concern among Scientology challengers. It is widely thought of as brain washing or a mental manipulation. It is in essence, designed to bring the subconscious mind to the surface, causing participants to become more susceptible to suggestion and or mind control. Typically preying on the weak and vulnerable, it is said that the philosophies are often used by former addicts and alcoholics as a means to stay sober. It seems to rob worshipers of the ability to form individual conclusions, removing them from the same unenlightened society that isolated them in the first place. In this feeling of abandonment comes a greater sense of solidarity from the Centre and the community. In a nutshell, it serves as blatant propaganda.

After speaking to another friend and former Scientologist, I was informed that many people believe L. Ron Hubbard started the religion on a bet. Also, he implied that many think the celebrity endorsements stem from blackmail. Another friend, an aspiring actor, had answered an ad in the trade paper Backstage a few years ago. He was surprised to find that the callback for the seemingly ordinary commercial was being held at the Los Angeles Celebrity Centre. After reading the very basic dialogue they suggested that he stay for an audit but he of course declined and never returned. Weeks later, he received a strange phone call from a woman named Carla. Carla began asking questions about his credit report and school records, even mentioning his social security number. Confused, he asked where she was calling from. The answer was of course; The Scientology Centre which prompted an immediate hang up, not to mention an examination of the questionable means The Centre uses to perform background checks on potential followers. After hearing this I decided it was time to investigate who exactly L. Ron Hubbard was and how all of this began.

Hubbard wasn’t always a spiritual leader, in fact published under pseudonyms, he was the author of novellas that ran in pulp magazines in the 1930s, mostly centering around psychological horror and science fiction. Twenty years later Hubbard published a book describing the self improvement techniques of Dianetics entitled “Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health”, introducing the concept of auditing. Mainstream publishers were hardly interested and medical professionals wouldn‘t even entertain the idea, so the manuscript was turned over to science fiction editor John W. Campbell. The book was even publicized in the magazine “Astounding Science Fiction”. Author Jack Williamson described the philosophy as “a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology” that “had the look of a wonderfully rewarding scam.” Dianetics was shunned by The American Psychological Association saying; “they call attention to the fact that these claims are not supported by empirical evidence”. In spite of this controversy, the Los Angeles Centre was born spawning both believers and outrage around the world.

Hubbard’s private life was also making headlines when in the late 1950s his second wife filed for divorce. Not only had Hubbard already been married at the time of their union but the divorce papers also imply that he had kidnapped their daughter and exposed her to “strangulation, scientific torture experiments, beatings, and systemic torment.” To make matters worse, in 1977 the FBI raided the Scientology Centre finding blatant documentation of illegal activities towards the US Government and personal enemies of Hubbard himself, including bomb threats and conspiracies. Also uncovered was “The Snow White Program” Hubbard attempted to reduce or remove inauspicious reports on Scientology or himself especially those detained by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service.

The last five years of Hubbard’s life were anything but enlightened. He wandered the deserts of Creston, California surrounded on a ranch by his aides and handlers. He handed his Scientology empire over to those he trusted and became a virtual prisoner of his own paranoia, fearing actual prison after indictment in the Snow White program. His wife returned to Los Angeles after serving a sentence for her part in the infamous court case, but would never see her husband again. L. Ron Hubbard died of a stroke in a 1982 Bluebird motor home on January 24th, 1986 , just one day after signing his last will and testament.

Clearly, even if he was wrong about Xenu the alien or the theory that human beings derive from Clams, his legacy thrives to this day. As Hubbard himself stated, “Freedom is for honest people. No man who is not himself honest can be free – he is his own trap.” Finally, a work of non-fiction by an author with an overactive imagination and talent for exploitation.