It’s that time of year where we all take stock of our lives, realize we’re hot messes and resolve to change our behavior…for about two weeks. Because while eating healthier, working out more and generally being a more mature person are worthy aspirations that we should all work towards, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge that our sex lives could always use a little work. Whether you’re having sex daily, every six months or not at all, with a long-term partner, a FWB, or a one night stand, there is always room to grow and have better experiences.  I mean, if the apocalypse or whatever really is next December, I need to go out knowing that I had the sexiest year to date, so next year, I want to do the following…

1. Stop feeling guilty about my preferences.
Sometimes I’m not in the mood. Sometimes I don’t want to be on top. Sometimes I just want to lay there and enjoy it. Sometimes I want Rihanna playing in the background. It’s totally okay for me to be selfish sometimes, because while, yes, pleasing my partner is important, so is taking my own pleasure into account. This is definitely a balancing act I don’t have down yet.

2. Take advantage of my balcony. 
It would be absolutely criminal to not take an opportunity to have a romantic romp or a tawdry quickie on my private, 18th floor balcony.

3. Try some of the Kama Sutra
I’ve never really been interested in it because I always associated it with bored middle-aged people desperate to revitalize their long-dormant sex lives (ie: not at all arousing). But there must be a reason why this tradition has endured thousands of years.

4. Explore sex toys.
I finally procured my first vibrator this year, but I have yet to be inspired to use it. But I’m definitely interested in trying to enjoy masturbation, and this is the next step that I plan to take.

5. Stop comparing myself to porn stars. 
Occasionally I watch porn with the boytoy, and while occasionally I am inspired to try something new, many times I find myself in a serious inferiority matrix and I start beating myself up for not being as aggressive, or enthusiastic, or as capable as the women in the pornos. I know this is completely irrational – even the “amateurs” are professionals, and I know that I do the best that I can, and am objectively pretty good at it,  but I still find myself getting bummed out about it, and it’s not at all productive.

6. Have fun.
If you regularly read my column, you may have picked up on the fact that I can get really caught up in the political aspect of fornication — the gender roles,  society’s general sex-negativity, all the ways in which sex can go wrong — which sometimes I forget to relax and just enjoy the fact that I am regularly have safe, consensual sex with someone who cares about and respects me.

What are your sexy New Year’s resolutions for 2012?

What’s a political campaign without sex? A McCain campaign ad once accused Obama of trying to pass a bill incorporating sex ed into kindergarten classrooms. Of course, Obama doesn’t even need to utter the “s” word when McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, has the poster family for the need for sex education.

Maybe Palin’s daughter should’ve been given a sex ed lecture in kindergarten. Maybe, in the wake of the Gloucester school girls and celebrity teen momdom, we should consider revamping our sex ed policies, rather than letting Ellen Paige serve as an instructor when Juno comes out on DVD. I took sex ed. And now, I have sex. Sometimes quite freely.

There’s still a lot that I don’t know, and some stuff I know now that I wish I’d learned in sixth grade sex ed class:

-Sex is NOT synonymous with love. It can be, but it isn’t always. Sex is synonymous with physical attraction, hormones, and judgment (note that I didn’t specify “good” or “bad” judgment).

-Sex changes everything. It can burn bridges, create awkward situations, and ruin friendships. However, it can also take a relationship to the next level, or allow you to see your partner in a completely different light. It can be good, it can be bad, but either way, once you’ve crossed that line… there’s no going back.

-Sex can be fun. Why don’t they talk about Kama Sutra, tantra, sex toys, or kinky fantasies in sex ed? It’s all “have sex and get pregnant,” or “have sex and get herpes” talk. But if you’re safe and consenting, sex can turn into an amusement park with all of the different rides it has to offer.

-Sex doesn’t always work. There’s sloppy sex. There’s the sex that just isn’t going to end in mutual orgasms. There’s sex that you thought you wanted to have, until it happens. Shake it off — we can’t all be stars in a Brad Pitt love scene.

-Sex can be good for your health. The endorphins released when a female orgasms acts as a powerful painkiller*. Cramping from killer PMS? Mild exercise (like sex) can help ease the pain as well.

-Sexually active does NOT mean slutty (or stupid!). Did you know that women with college degrees are more likely to enjoy giving and receiving oral sex than high school drop outs*? How about that women with PhD’s are twice as likely to seek a one-night-stand than those who stopped at the Bachelors*?

I still feel like I’m coming up short here, ladies. All of our sex ed regimes were different– what did your teachers neglect to inform you during 5th period Health Class?

*Facts courtesy of The Sex E-Zine. Learn all you wanted to know (and a lot you didn’t want to know) about knocking boots here!

[This story was originally posted by Kathryn S.]

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

It’s officially the future, people, and while there may not be flying cars just yet, the advancements in technology are plentiful. Especially when it comes to gettin’ some. Yes, sex has gone tech, and I’m talking about more than those nakey photos you’ve been sending to the boyfriend while he’s away. (Which is a bad, bad idea. Has Vanessa Hudgens taught you nothing?!)

Below, a list of the sexiest things in tech:

For Your iPhone

Got an iPhone? No? Well, maybe it’s time to spend the cashola, because when it comes to sex, well, there’s an app for that. Here are a few of my favorites.

Cosmo’s Sex Position of the Day
This app is a to-go version of the Cosmo Kama Sutra. It offers a new sex position every day, as well as instructions and advice, illustration, and a difficulty rating (for those girls who are always up for a challenge).

The Love Guru
The Love Guru app gives you daily love predictions based on your zodiac sign, and lets you know the best time to make your move.

101 Cheesy Pick Up Lines
We’d all roll our eyes if a guy actually tried to use one of these on us, but they can be a great way to break the ice with that hottie you’ve been eying across the bar. After all, using these lines takes confidence and a sense of humor, both turn-ons.

Massager for iPhone
OK, so maybe putting your iPhone in your happy place isn’t the smartest (or most sanitary) idea, but it’s definitely something to consider if you ever get a little….lonely.

For Your Computer

Skype
If you’re separated from your hunny over break, Skype is the best way to keep the passion going. Skype offers free webcam chatting, so you talk face-to-face with S.O. instead of gluing your cell phone to your ear. To spice things up, wear something extra sexy (or nothing at all). Just make sure he’s not hanging in the living room with the fam… or taking screenshots to send to his homies.

Teledildonics
Teledildonics are sex toys that connect to the internet, so you can have someone else operate them from far away (handy if you’re in an LDR, or just really like chat rooms).

OhMiBod Vibrator
Hook it up to your favorite iTunes playlist (or the one that has the most bass), and enjoy your music in a new – and more intimate – way. It’s almost like getting a private, very special performance from the likes of Usher, The Rolling Stones or whoever you’ve got playing. (Though I advice against anything by David Archuleta or Justin Bieber…that’s just creepy.)

No one's getting booty in this room. Trust.

It’s the Scout Motto: Always be prepared. But I don’t think my Girl Scout troop leader was referring to booty calls when she ingrained that piece of advice into my head.

On a college campus you never know who you’re going to meet… and then want to take back to your room… to get to know each other better. The last thing you want is to bring a suitor home one night and have them leave the next morning without their wallet because it’s lost in a sea of your dirty laundry (true story). Or worse, bring them home and have them remember they have “somewhere to be” (at 3 a.m.) after spotting your My Little Pony collection on your nightstand.

Being prepared for spontaneity may be an oxymoron, but it has safely guarded my dignity and late night encounters thus far. Here are a few life tips I have adapted in my quest to divide and conquer, without letting those boys see my Spanx.

Good Idea: Have some sexy lingerie out on the bed. There’s no reason your guy can’t be led to believe that you sleep in see-through nightgowns every night of the week. He can file that one away right alongside “girls never poop.”
Bad Idea: Procrastination and laundry are my two archenemies, but it’s simply never a good idea to have your dirty laundry sprawled across the floor, including the granny panties you’ve been wearing all week. Helpful tip: no one will see it when it’s stuffed at the bottom of your closet.

Good Idea: Having pictures of your friends displayed throughout your room.
Bad Idea: Having a framed picture of your dad holding a 12-gauge shotgun. Let’s be real. That’s not going to set the mood.

Good Idea: Candles may be banned in dorm rooms, but try your best to keep your room smelling nice. The scent of fresh laundry or perfume wafting through your room will keep your guy coming back for more. Or, at the very least, he won’t be repulsed by the aroma of old milk and mildew.
Bad Idea: Having three half-eaten boxes of pizza scattered around the room. Two-day old pepperoni has an unforgettable scent that is sure to make you gag upon catching a whiff. Moldy cheese is not an aphrodisiac – don’t forget that.

Good Idea: A freshly made bed with crisp sheets and fluffy pillows.
Bad Idea: A freshly made bed covered in 42 pillows shaped like cats.

Good Idea: Continual bikini line and leg hair maintenance.
Bad Idea: Not shaving from November to April to reduce your heating bill and still keep warm. He may love to stroke your hair, but not when it’s on your legs.

Good Idea: Having a copy of the Kama Sutra on your bookshelf amongst other notable books and novels. Impressive and sexy. Now he can love you for your brains and your sexual prowess.
Bad Idea: Asking him to read you a few chapters of Twilight before bed. It’s either that or a chapter from Sex for Dummies, which has a prominent place on your nightstand. Awkward.

Good Idea: Having a variety of condoms readily available to you.
Bad Idea: No matter what anyone says, neither saran wrap nor chicken skin is an acceptable form of birth control.

Sex – the good, the bad, and the ugly – where does it all fit in?

We make such a big deal about sex. It consumes us.  We lie about sex – we say we’re having less when we’re having more, and more when we’re having less. We worry about our relationship if the sex isn’t “above average.” We worry about our health, our sanity, our bodies and our worth if he simply rolls over. We use sex as a barometer for the status of our relationships when there couldn’t possibly be a less reliable, standardized or empirical indicator.

I, for one, do not believe that the caliber or frequency of the sex we’re having – or not having – is necessarily an accurate representation of what lies beneath. Now this is not to say that sex is not an important component of a relationship, because it is.  I fancy a good ole shag just as much as the next gal. What I am saying, though, is that thanks to soft core porn, (aka cable television), Megan Fox, and Cosmopolitan articles with titles like “Give Him the Best Sex of His Life” and “101 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die,” we have been made to believe that not only should we be having sex every night, but great sex every night, and this just isn’t realistic.

These fallacies also spawn a kind of sexual competition among men, women, and couples alike. “Do you guys have a swing? Where have you done it today? Have you tried the Reverse Amazon? What about the Jellyfish? The Bent Spoon?” It’s like losing your virginity automatically (and unwittingly) qualifies you for the sex Olympics and suddenly everybody’s keeping score, or being judged, or being stripped of their medals for performance enhancers. The whole world was turned upside down when Sting revealed that he has epic bouts of tantric sex with his wife on a regular basis, and women everywhere were making statements about “how lucky his wife is.” Now, I’m sorry, but I have no time to be having seven hour sex sessions; I have to eat an Italian sub, pass a bowel, and watch reality TV all before 1 p.m., so this just isn’t going to work. And quite frankly, I have no desire to play hide the canoli for four hundred and twenty minutes. Should I feel bad about that?

We are constantly bombarded with images of beautiful people having beautiful sex. And because of this they are happy…elated…energized! We are repeatedly told by “sexperts” that you need to spice things up in the bedroom to “keep the magic alive.” And when friends get together and talk the dirty (and not in the middle of the day at a local shabby chic diner for hours at a time like Sex and the City would lead you to believe), it’s almost always about a mind blowing orgasm, a rainy day marathon, or an inopportune and especially volatile queef.

But what about the average sex everyone is having? Why don’t we ever hear about that? Is consistent, moderate sex unacceptable?

I just do not believe that people all over the world are having non-stop, tear jerking, flesh gauging sex – and I think that’s OK. In fact, I think that’s natural and normal. Great sex takes work, and personally, I’m not always up for the challenge. I’ll admit it – sometimes it’s nice to just lie there, (and you’re lying if you say you’ve never felt the same). Yes, most of the time sex is an incredibly fulfilling, invigorating and enriching experience, and yes, most of the time I’m a team player. But after a ten hour day, four non-light beers, and two episodes of Intervention, I can guaran-f*cking-tee you I won’t be hanging from chandeliers or slipping into any tutus. AND I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

I recently had a friend come to me in tears, terrified that her relationship was over because “we are only having every sex other day.” Although my concerns had more to do with the condition of her vagina, I simply responded, “you’re totally fine.” This was not enough for her, however, because she had fallen victim to another “sex myth.”

Time and time again, we have heard that the quality of sex is directly related to how much you care about the person, but that just isn’t the case. I think that perfect strangers can have mind-blowing quickies, I think you can have mediocre love making sessions with your soul mate, I think perfectly happy couples can hit a dry spell, and that two people with nothing in common can come together (pun intended) in bed (or on couch, in backseat, hanging from flagpole, whatever your fancy).

Certainly it makes sense that the emotional connection you have with your partner will affect the sex you share with him (or her) – stronger feelings will produce a deeper sense of intimacy, inspiring more passionate bedroom business, and bringing poignancy and sentiment to an exchange that can otherwise be quite barren. We are also inclined to be more generous and attentive lovers when we respect and appreciate our bedmates. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the closer we are with our partners, the more comfortable we feel talking about the sex, sharing our likes and dislikes, our haves and have nots, and exploring fantasies, fetishes and fears that would otherwise remain dormant (and unfulfilled). However, I think this theory has some loopholes, and that it often plateaus, and once again, that the sex simply is not always indicative of, or an accurate representation of the tenor and essence of a relationship.

Nothing comes easily in the world that lies within our bedposts, and I’m tired of being told that it does! I’m tired of doing kegel exercises while watching Oprah so I can really nail that Reverse Cowgirl. I’m tired of watching middle-aged women climax repeatedly on courtroom dramas. I’m tired of oysters being marketed as aphrodisiacs – they’re fookin’ delicious, and that’s why I’ll eat 100 of them. And most of all, I’m tired of everyone denying the fact that just maybe, when the moon is full, or when the tide is red, or when the goddam pigs go soaring past your bedroom window, that they too, from time to time, are having just average sex.

Instead of turning to sweets (bad for the weight) or vibrators (bad when you’re in an office), I did a little online research. On sex. Here are some tres interesting tidbits about the most talked about subject in the universe (thanks to breathetheoxygen):

1. According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

2. The most common fantasy is oral sex.

3. 8% of us have regular anal sex.

4. 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

5. Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

6. In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed.

7. Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say it’s 4″.

8. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

9. 56% of men have had sex at work.

10. Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

11. 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.

12. 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.

13. The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

14. A honeymooning couple sued Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunction because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.

15. At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.

16. England’s King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.

17. 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

18. The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

19. 58% like dirty talk during sex.

20. 22% rent porno flicks at least once.

21. Given today’s average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.

Americans are well known for their affection for, and addiction to, theme parks.  We have Disney Land, Disney World, Lego Land, Sea World, and a plethora of other immensely entertaining places.  What we don’t have is a theme park about sex.  Guess who else doesn’t have one?  China.

While that may sound like a no-brainer, China was recently set to open a theme park called Love Land.  It was meant to promote open sexual discussion in a society where tradition and conservatism still reign with an iron fist.  The park was to feature huge reproductions of male and female genitalia, how-to workshops and other fun activities and displays.  However, all of that was razed today after a weekend inspection by government officials deemed the park vulgar and sensational.  Well, duh, but how awesome is that?

The question is: where’s ours?  Don’t we as Americans, especially young and virile Americans, deserve a theme park dedicated to our favorite pastime?  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Mickey Mouse and friends, but I would much rather spend a hot summer day sweating it up on sex toys and whatnot than random cartoon characters (because that’s just creepy).

Just think of all the possibilities: roller coasters based on the Kama Sutra (“It’s a wild ride!”), water slides that really get you wet (tee hee), and a nightly fireworks display that heats things up.

Now that China has put its foot down and stomped out the sexy times, is an erotic theme park fated to be only a delicious pipe dream for those long summer days?  For those lucky enough to be in the general area of South Korea, the answer is no!  Love Land actually exists on Jeju Island and visitors can experience many of the same exhibitions and activities that were set to open in China: giant statues of genitalia, how-to masturbation and sex position exhibits, and lots of yummy works of erotic art.

Masturbation? Art? Penis? Sex? Hot Asian men? How much is a plane ticket to South Korea again? Oh yeah….  Well, until the day comes where I can get a flight to South Korea for less than the price of an entire semester, I’ll have to settle for the American Love Land.

As in, the Love Land that exists in all of our bedrooms and can’t be torn down. Take that, China!

Don’t ask how (no, I wasn’t Googling “chair sex,” or “furniture to do it on”), but I came across this site recently and was instantly intrigued.

The Tantra Chair is used to practice the amazingness of Kama Sutra. It’s shaped like a funky wave to help position yourself properly for ultimate pleasure. Don’t know anything about Kama Sutra? Well, you’re missing out. Lucky for you, the site also has a guide to tons of fun positions to enjoy on this lovely piece of furniture. (Warning: there is some nudity…and it’s kind of graphic.)

If I had the place and the money, and – oh yeah, the boyfriend – I would definitely invest in this contraption. Kama Sutra is already saucy enough, but throwing in a new toy (or chair) to aid the process just takes it to a whole new level! And it looks like a couch so you can definitely pass it off to your parents as some piece of artsy fartsy furniture you found on Craigslist.

Doing the nasty on a flat surfaced bed is so last year. This gift from the sex gods will have you in positions you never thought possible on a futon.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a college sophomore and, until recently, I was planning to save myself for marriage. But I just recently I started dating the guy of my dreams and I think I’m ready to have sex with him. My question is what are some books where can I read about how to have sex? Not like kinky weird sex, just doing it for the first time. Help!

Thanks!!!!!!!

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Girl, before I get around to actually dis-pen-sing this advice to you, first I wanna say two things:

(1) Make sure you really want to lose it to this guy before you do it. Tuffy ain’t no abstinence advisor–I believe that having sex is a VERY healthy and important part of having an adult relationship–but if this was an important thing to you, make sure you’re not just caving into pressure. That said, if you do decide to go through with it, good for you! Sex is fanf*ckingtastic! BUT

(2) Be safe! Always use a condom. You got that, honey? Every. Single. Time. And you might want to look into the pill, too (in ADDITION to the condom), but that’s between you and your ob/gyn.

Now onto the actual advice:

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex, Third Edition by Sari Locker

Chock full o’ all sorts of information. Great for a virgin looking to try something new, but also excellent for the rest of us who sometimes just need a little brush up. Not that Tuffy ever needs to brush up. But if she did, this would be great.

The Orgasm Bible: The Latest Research and Techniques for Reaching More Powerful Climaxes More Often by Susan Crain Bakos

Lots of illustrations, plus it’s geared toward you (as opposed to Cosmo’s approach of “how to please your man”–blegh).

Sex and the Perfect Lover: Tao, Tantra, and the Kama Sutra by Mabel Iam

A more spiritual approach to sex and love. Also a very hot read.

But, honey, more important than reading books about sex is bonding with your guy and finding out what turns the two of you on together. Touch, talk, feel, and you will have great sex.

AND USE PROTECTION!!!

May the sex be with you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Maybe Palin’s daughter should’ve been given a sex ed lecture in kindergarten. Maybe, in the wake of the Gloucester school girls and celebrity teen momdom, we should consider revamping our sex ed policies, rather than letting Ellen Paige serve as an instructor when Juno comes out on DVD. I took sex ed. And now, I have sex. Sometimes quite freely.

There’s still a lot that I don’t know, and some stuff I know now that I wish I’d learned in sixth grade sex ed class:

-Sex is NOT synonymous with love. It can be, but it isn’t always. Sex is synonymous with physical attraction, hormones, and judgment (note that I didn’t specify “good” or “bad” judgment).

-Sex changes everything. It can burn bridges, create awkward situations, and ruin friendships. However, it can also take a relationship to the next level, or allow you to see your partner in a completely different light. It can be good, it can be bad, but either way, once you’ve crossed that line… there’s no going back.

-Sex can be fun. Why don’t they talk about Kama Sutra, tantra, sex toys, or kinky fantasies in sex ed? It’s all “have sex and get pregnant,” or “have sex and get herpes” talk. But if you’re safe and consenting, sex can turn into an amusement park with all of the different rides it has to offer.

-Sex doesn’t always work. There’s sloppy sex. There’s the sex that just isn’t going to end in mutual orgasms. There’s sex that you thought you wanted to have, until it happens. Shake it off — we can’t all be stars in a Brad Pitt love scene.

-Sex can be good for your health. The endorphins released when a female orgasms acts as a powerful painkiller*. Cramping from killer PMS? Mild exercise (like sex) can help ease the pain as well.

-Sexually active does NOT mean slutty (or stupid!). Did you know that women with college degrees are more likely to enjoy giving and receiving oral sex than high school drop outs*? How about that women with PhD’s are twice as likely to seek a one-night-stand than those who stopped at the Bachelors*?

I still feel like I’m coming up short here, ladies. All of our sex ed regimes were different– what did your teachers neglect to inform you during 5th period Health Class?

*Facts courtesy of The Sex E-Zine. Learn all you wanted to know (and a lot you didn’t want to know) about knocking boots here!