Is it just me or does it just feel wrong when Kanye smiles?

Let’s be serious, this year’s VMA’s were quite lackluster. And not just because I didn’t report on the red carpet this year. I expected to tune in for the lolz, dramz and maybe a few interruptions or two. All I got was into a freaking Delorean and rocketed back to 1999 where I saw the likes of Usher, Eminem and Linkin Park performing with lasers everywhere, a la J.Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight” music video. Oh, those 5th grade memories.

Somehow, between two hours of commercials and a mediocre-at-best pre-show episode of Jersey Shore (which I’m also recapping in this post, because I believe in synergy and cohesion… as does MTV), MTV managed to make a lovely Lady Gaga hour for everyone. And Cher was there too. And some chick that looked like a low-budget version of Pink. Seriously, who was that? What a waste. I should’ve watched Entourage. Thank God for DVR. However, there were a few highlights in last night’s show, so let’s review: the highs and the lows.

10. DeadMau5
As I expressed in the liveblog, I’m very concerned for DeadMau5. Can he breathe in that hat thing? What about his neck snapping? Is he really just Samantha Ronson in a mouse hat? I guess the special effects looked cool and it’s true, I really just couldn’t stop the fistpump all night.

9. Nikki Minaj’s Booty
It’s big, people. And possibly the biggest star of the show.

8. Justin Bieber
Seriously, could he be more perfect? All I want to do is have him narrate my life to me in his beautiful singing voice all day. Except, what was with the little kids in the performance? Were they solely there to make him look slightly older than the tender age of 16? I also worry about him hitting puberty. Will he grow ugly like the youngest brother on Home Improvement or, worse, will his voice change? I do have to give the boy props, though; homeboy did beat that beat on the drums. Word.

7. Chelsea Handler’s Hosting
Let’s face it, she was bombed. Grenaded, if you will. She is much funnier on her own show and clearly was a bit nervous (on top of being high as a kite. Her words, not mine). The in-between sketches didn’t rock and only about three of her lines were hits. However, I did appreciate her getting up in that hot tub with the J.Shore cast.

6. Lady Gaga’s Meat Market
Was she really wearing an uncooked filet mignon on her head?

5. Linkin Park
I had no idea this band was even still around, nor did I care. The fact that they were the second to last performance was embarrassing. Clean it up, MTV.

4. LocaLohan
Seems Lindsay Lohan isn’t even good at acting when she’s playing herself.

3. Jersey Shore
Jersey Shore, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I’m very glad that MTV is milking this show for all that it’s worth and we got a lovely sneak peek during the VMAs of the new cast member, helloooo cig voice. On top of all that, there was some mention/shot of Jersey Shore cast members approximately every 10 mintues of the VMAs. Not to mention, we were graced with an extra-special episode of the Jersey Shore at 7:00 that frankly doesn’t even warrant a full post.

Here were the highlights:

• Vinny got ditched by a club dancer (single tear) and wasted a perfectly good haircut and bouquet on her, even though he pathetically begged her for a date. You can do better, Vin.
• Angelina is playing Jose, and still remains unattractive and annoying.
• The Situation got owned… and it kinda ruled.
• Sammi sucks.
• Ronnie sucks.
• Not enough JWoww and Snooki.

Good enough? Expect a more cohesive recap on Friday morning regarding this Thursday’s upcoming episode.

2. Taylor Swift’s Tearjerker
What a miserable, miserable performance. Did anyone notice she was barefoot the whole time? I am so sick of this girl and our recap put it best saying, “I was really hoping this new song would be called ‘Thank you for making my career, Kanye West.’” Instead, we got some victim-playing boo-hoo crybaby nonsense that wasn’t interrupted. With red lipstick. Wah wah wah wah. Boring.

1. Aziz Ansari and Kanye West
The only things that saved the show was Aziz’s brilliant, hysterical introduction of Mr. West (welcome back to the throne) and Kanye’s Grade A performance (in that sick suit). The downside? No duet with Ms. Swift. Oh no, we all know that she is far too “classy” to perform with him. Let’s have a toast for the douchebags. I think we all know who came out on top.

Obviously, she was mortified.

10 new sex positions to try.

TMI, Nick Cannon, TMI.

7 looks to steal from your BF’s closet.

Zac Efron naked! (Well, sort of…)

Tips for getting up and at ‘em in the morning.

Although some of us – cough cough, College Candy, cough cough – are more accepting than others, I think most of us can agree that Kanye West is a jackass. And leave it to President Obama to tell it like it is in an off-the-record comment in a CNBC interview yesterday. Who knew Obama had such a potty-mouth!

But while Kanye has apologized not once, but twice to America’s sweetheart, Taylor Swift, there is another heckler in our midst who has been flying under the radar and is seemingly un-remorseful.

Republican representative Joe Wilson channeled his inner 5^th-grade bully when he shouted out “You lie!” to Obama during his speech on health care reform to Congress last week. (Which isn’t being discussed 1/3rd as much as Taylor-gate.) I guess it’s asking too much to expect a little maturity from our lawmakers these days.

Wilson has apologized to the President himself, but he has no intention of apologizing publicly. While Kanye is running around town making amends to a teenage pop-star, the man who shamed the President of the United States has made no such attempt. At the very least he should write Kanye a thank-you note and send him an Edible Arrangement for taking the spotlight off of his own public display of idiocy.

So if I have this right – College Candy is defending Kanye, Obama is sticking up for Taylor, the Republicans are cheering on Wilson, but who has Obama’s back? If only our government was run by musicians. We would already have copious, tearful apologies under our belt, and the hope of a chart-topping duet on the horizon.

Russell Brand.
A Michael Jackson tribute.
Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and Pitbull performances.
Moon men.
Red carpet fashion you’d only see on MTV.

The VMAs are always the best show of the year, and tonight will definitely be no different. We’ve been waiting for weeks and now we’re ready with a bowl of cookie dough in one hand and a MacBook in the other to catch every. last. minute.

Tweet your thoughts to @CollegeCandy and we’ll include them here!

And here we go….

8:00: WTF is Lady Gaga wearing? The woman can’t even move!

8:01: Ashley Greene is the star of the pre-show. Looks like all I need is a saucy sex tape and I could be the queen of MTV.

8:06: Shakira’s on the red carpet and she looks totally different. Maybe it’s the straight hair? Her breasts, however, are still small and humble.

8:07: Commercial break. And it’s MTV, so this will probably be 10 minutes long. Enough time to get some Diet Coke/have a mini Michael Jackson dance party in my room? Let’s find out.

8:11: And we’re back. Who’s that on the fire truck? Hot firemen? Check! Oh yeah…and Pink. Lookin’ good, woman. But are you wearing Shakira’s dress?

8:13: Lady Gaga is a freak. Yeah a said it. All those feathers? That mask? Kermit as her date?  I swear she’ll do ANYTHING to prevent people from seeing what she really looks like…

8:17: OH MY GODDDD!! TAYLOR LAUTNER. He’s almost 18, right? I mean, I can drool over him and not end up talking to Chris Hansen, right?? P.S. This Ashley girl is the worst red carpet correspondent, ever. Can we get a little Giuliana Rancic up in here?

8:19: Buzz Aldrin? Who let the old guy in? And why can’t he read? We sent this man to the moon, for god’s sake!

8:25: Taylor Swift arrives in a horse drawn carriage. Obvi. And OMG her dress is ridic. Beautiful. Sparkly.  I want to be this girl. Or raid her closet.

8:28: My dog is curled up on my feet. Asleep. Clearly she isn’t as excited about this show as I am.

8:30: I could be Justin Beiber’s mom. If I had a kid when I was 11, of course. And someone should let Diddy’s date know that I can almost see her nips. One fast move and we’ll have a Janet Jackson moment on our hands.

8:33: Ok, why did they stop to talk to baby Beiber and only FLASH QUICKLY PAST CHASE CRAWFORD?! He’s the one we all wanna see. Naked. I mean…

8:36: Kristin Cavillari: Great makeup, great dress, greasy/flat hair. Maybe she should stop smooching with John Mayer and get herself into the shower.

8:39: Faaaaame.  Anyone else as excited to see this as me?

8:46: Can we stop talking to randos and just get out to the red carpet to show us everyone coming in? I don’t care what this random former ANTM contestant has to say or what this crazy Twitter girl is seeing in the Twitterverse.

8:51: Well, hey there, J-Lo. Are you using drugs? All that moving and swaying is making me trip out.

8:55: Now, I’m completely straight, but I can’t stop looking at Beyonce’s boobs. She looks like a freaking Barbie doll. Does this woman ever look bad!?!

8:59: Worst. red carpet show. ever. How boring!? Let’s just hope the main event is way, WAY better. Let’s get this show on the road!

9:03: Madonna may be a great performer, but no matter how great this story is about her and Michael Jackson, she’s not so good at telling it…

9:07: I’m bored, Madonna. Let’s start the performances already!

9:11: None of these people can dance like MJ. It’s a shame to have other people try and mimic that man.

9:13: Katy Perry singing Queen while accompanied by the Aerosmith guitarist? WTF is going on here?!

9:20: Did Russell Brand just say he wanted to make Gaga’s nubbin hard and hang his hat on it? Wow. Awful mental images. Wow wow wow. Vomit. Barf. Ew.

9:24: TAYLOR SWIFT BEAT BEYONCE!? I get that she’s adorable and great, but how does THAT video beat Single Ladies?! Do you know any dance moves from Taylor Swift? I don’t think so! But how many times have you done the Beyonce dance?!

Uh. Apparently Kanye agreed. WTF?! Has there been a year yet where he didn’t get up and say something incredibly stupid? Enough, Kanye. Oh and PS: your hair looks ridiculous.

9:30: Ok, I got some cake. And I’ve calmed down. Maybe Kanye would like some?

9:33: Does Russell Brand have a perm?

9:36: Green Day beats Coldplay. Clearly the MTV voting audience doesn’t recall ANY song that didn’t come out in the last month!

9:38: I wonder if Taylor Swift is enjoying the scent of urine in the NYC subway. Or if Kanye is gonna come out and knock her off the top of that cab.

9:48: Here comes GAGA! Looking like a freak, as always. What is this look? Madonna/Like a Virgin meets the Easter Bunny??

9:51: OMG. Why does it look like she just got her period!?

10:00: I will not comment on Lady Gaga’s latest outfit. I will not do it. (But if I were planning on it, I might liken this latest look to a dirty tampon.) That is all.

10:03: Kristin Cavillari and Nelly Furtado announce best pop vid. Figured Kristin can’t pronounce anything in Spanish. The girl can barely speak English.

10:04: Hey, Megan Fox: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ADAM BRODY. He’s mine, bitch.

10:10: Green Day may still be old, but those guys definitely know how to rock. The hairstyles could use a little help, though.

10:15: Falling. Asleep. Too much partying this weekend. Must stay awake for Beyonce. Drooling. Snore. So torn.

10:16: Oh lord. New Moon trailer. Girls around the world are wetting themselves. But I’m just fighting to care.

10:19: Chase Crawford. Now that’s a man I can get behind. Or under. Or on top of. Drool.

10:20: OMG. If I had moves like Beyonce (or her hair/body/voice/wardrobe), I most definitely would not be single right now.

10:22: I could never be one of the dancers in this video. My bikini line is just not clean enough for all these crotch flashes.

10:25: Beyonce just killed it. THIS is what the VMAs are supposed to be about.

And with that, I’m signing out. I’ve seen what I wanted to see and a whole lot of what I didn’t (like Gaga’s crotch up close and personal). Leave your comments below and we’ll discuss it all in the A.M.

Good night, CollegeCandies!