I’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to disagree with that one.

Beyonce and Jay-Z have too much money.

Kate Gosselin talks about her hair.

5 things single girls hate to hear.

These things will NOT help you save money.

Madonna really wants to be Oprah.

Ok, so maybe I’m a little invested, but I was there for their first dentist appointment that’s what happens when you watch a show for so long and feel like you get to know a family. That is why people care. We’ve been watching the Gosselin children grow since they were born, so we’ve been dreading the announcement and news of what was going to happen to this once seemingly perfect family

As I settled in to watch and heard of the couple’s decision to separate (and Kate claiming that it had “nothing to do with the show”…yeah right), I felt a sudden drop in my stomach. Although I had already been anticipating this news for weeks, hearing it straight from Jon and Kate suddenly made it very real. In many ways, this unfortunate decision seemed inevitable. Any regular viewer of the show could see the tension brewing between the couple for quite some time, but that didn’t make it any easier. Nor did it stop the tears that welled up in my eyes. I know, I’m embarassed.

I had to turn to a Butterfinger bar to make myself feel better.

It’s just hard to watch a relationship fail, regardless of who it is. And feeling so connected to those kids makes it so much worse. What is going to happen to them? How are they going to take the news? And, if having cameras in their faces/paparazzi stalking them/a mom with porcupine hair wasn’t enough, will this totally eff them up in the future?

In the end, Jon and Kate made it very clear that they made this heart-wrenching decision in order to preserve peace for their children. In fact, “doing it for the children” was a theme frequently articulated by both parents (so much so that if I had played a Jon and Kate Big Announcement drinking game and took a shot every time that phrase was mentioned, I wouldn’t be here right now to tell the tale). It was almost as if each of them had to prove to America that they loved their kids as much as the other, which was really just sad.

This divorce isn’t going to be pretty – not when the tabloids are involved – but as long as Jon and Kate continue to put their childrens’ needs at the center of their relationship, I know that this family will not only survive, but thrive. Although this situation is definitely not ideal or uplifting (who the hell is ever going to want to marry someone with 8 kids!?), it is a true representation of a family dealing with the stresses and pressures of living life in the public eye. When all is said and done, this reality show brood is keeping it real.

Don’t worry; as long as Kate keeps rockin’ that spikey mullet look, all is not lost for the Gosselin gang.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list.

“Gym or TV?”
“Jeans or dress?”
“Save money or buy a new iPhone?”

So when we are constantly faced with the awful decision of which fame whore couple is more fame whorey, we make a list. No, this isn’t Sophie’s choice, but it’s our choice and it’s hard.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two “celebrity” couples that spend their days on the cover of every tabloid on earth. Which couple should have kept the cameras out of their lives? Do we really have to choose?!

Reality Show:

Spencer & Heidi: Speidi’s love for one another (and the limelight) blossomed into the barf-atrocious state it is in today on The Hills. Their daily lives – spent shopping, staring at each other, and making out – are “documented” as they navigate life in L.A.  And if a not-so-reality show on MTV isn’t low enough for this fame whorey couple, they are now about to star in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here on NBC. Because silicon and Botox fit in really well in the middle of the jungle.

Jon & Kate: Jon and Kate were two normal parents with 8 kids before TLC tapped them for their mega-hit, Jon and Kate Plus 8. The show chronicles the life of two very busy parents as they raise their adorable litter and deal with major life milestones: walking, talking, first day of school, etc.

Point: Speidi. Not only is The Hills a total waste of 22 minutes of sleeping time on Monday nights, but they don’t have 8 adorable little Asian/American nuggets running around.

Makeover:

Spencer & Heidi: It’s no secret that Heidi’s had a little (or a ton of) work done. The girl’s body has a silicon to real body parts ratio of 4:1. Lips: fake. Nose: fake. Boobs: faaaaake. Oh, and let us not forget the platinum hair extensions and press-on nails. Fake, fake, fake.

Jon and Kate: It is no secret to any Jon and Kate fan that Ms. Gosselin has gone through a few changes over the years. While she was once a Middle America mom with zero fashion sense and a lot of extra tummy skin, Kate has turned into a lean, mean, fashion machine. First a tummy tuck and a few highlights, now a backwards mullet and a closet full of the latest fashions.

Point: Speidi. At least Kate’s makeover was an improvement…

Tabloids

Spencer & Heidi: Do we even need to go there? These two spend their lives calling the paps, then hamming it up when they arrive. It wouldn’t be a normal week if there weren’t some cheesy photo of these two kissing in the pages.

Jon & Kate: The Gosselins have been on 9 tabloid covers in the past two weeks. And for a couple who wants to remain private, they sure seem to be open to sitting down for interviews with anyone who will listen. Then bitch when the media talks about ‘em.

Point: Jon and Kate. Though we all pray for a week where Spencer and Heidi aren’t making out in our favorite glossy mag, they don’t pretend to hate the media attention. In fact, they make it quite clear just how much they love it.

Ex-Friends

Spencer & Heidi: Spencer and Heidi lost a lot of friends as they moved to their little island of love. First LC, then Brody Jenner, these two are now all by their lonesome (except for that weird dude with the mustache that Spence hangs out with).

Jon & Kate: We’re sure Jon and Kate made lots of friends once they got their own show, but none of that matters when Aunt Jody turns on ya. Not only was she a huge help to Jon and Kate when they needed a little babysitting help, but she’s family! And now she’s family who’s selling her Jon and Kate secrets to the media.

Point: Jon and Kate. No one is really missing out when LC isn’t in their life, but family? Now that’s bad.

Loooove

Spencer & Heidi: Heidi and Spencer love each other so much they got engaged twice (ok, once was with some fake-ass ring, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)  and married twice (ok, so one time didn’t count, but it did in their hearts!). This duo can’t keep their hands off of each other, especially when cameras are around.

Jon & Kate: They totally love each other. They even went to Hawaii to renew their vows and prove their love and dedication to the children. And Kate is always showing how much she hearts Jon by slapping him around, yelling at him and cutting him off whenever he attempts to talk. Now that’s love!

Point: Speidi. Love eac hother in private, people. We don’t wanna see it.

And the Celebretard Couple of the Week Is: Speidi! Though who didn’t see that one coming? Here’s hoping that jungle eats them alive…