Robbers seem to really like ‘The Town’ for inspiration

Vinny in now the biggest Situation fan

Suri looks just like Katie Holmes as a kid

Lindsay Lohan has a new mugshot

Fashion inspiration from Phantom of the Opera

Our favorite charismatic villains

Men are just a tad funnier than women, according to some important people

Should you take back a cheater

We could all use some relationship advice

Do bad girls get all the guys?

You need a cake vodka milkshake in your life

First date nightmares

Where are all of the October horror films

Let’s face it, Katie could learn a few lessons from Suri

Guess who is a single man again

Big boobs are kind of a bummer

How to impress at a career fair

What NOT to do when you sleep with someone for the first time

Okay, so I don’t know if you ladies have heard the news, but apparently Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are actually dating, which really just makes my skin crawl. I mean the girl is legitimately half his age. It’s weird and it’s creepy. And since I am forever grateful that Scarlett let go of Ryan Reynolds so we could some day find each other and be together, I felt it my duty to at least point that out.

But in the process, their creepy crawly relationship got me thinking about all of the other creepy celebrity couples I’ve encountered over the years. And, well, there were actually quite a few of them. Ugh, my stomach is churning.

Does this look like a mean man? No!

Dear Stars and Starlets of Hollywood,

I understand that many of you are feeling a little hurt from Ricky Gervais’ monologue. And I have three little words for your GET OVER IT!

(Take a deep breath now before you read the rest. Good? Good.)

It’s a joke.  The whole world loves to see comedians (such as Rickey Gervais or Kathy Griffin) poke fun at other celebrities. It’s like seeing the popular girls in school get taken down, but better because it’s on national television….and you have to keep smiling.

The audience (the people spending their money watching your movies) loves it; why else would celebrity gossip magazines be flying off the shelf every week? Oh and Ms. Jolie – how many movies have you had succeed at the box office? Who are you practically married to again? Oh right, Brad Pitt.  I think you can handle a little joke about The Tourist. I’d let anyone make fun of me so long as I could come home to those arms of steel.

And another thing, aren’t you constantly told to have a thick skin to be in the acting world? Well where is it?! I mean you all must get rejected countless times at auditions — shouldn’t you be able to handle a little joke every now and then?

Not to mention most of the people who made it to the Gervais’ cut-you-down-because-it’s-funny list were all celebs that have been in the news recently. He wasn’t talking about some big hush hush secrets; he was merely commenting on what we all already knew…and joked about. I mean, Charlie Sheen hasn’t exactly been subtle about his recent adventures. The funny man just made it well…funnier.

And while we’re on this “get over yourself” subject, let’s keep it going. After all, it wasn’t just the Golden Globes that has been getting all your Hollywood panties in a bunch. I’ve seen how you all react to the clips from SNL or when you’re featured on a talk show. Robert Pattinson, I see that killer look in your eyes when you’re poked fun at for playing something that sparkles. Well people, live with your decisions. Because unlike the rest of us, you chose a career that happens to be in the public eye. And you get rewarded pretty handsomely for it.

Speaking of SNL, Mrs. Tom Cruise, I get that you are rather sensitive, but boycotting the Oscars because you’re mad at Anne Hathaway? Please. I understand that your career hasn’t really taken off like you hoped since you got married to Tommy and you haven’t had the luxury of mocking others on SNL, but it happens. You weren’t the first person to be satirized and you won’t be the last. So get off your high horse and learn how to laugh. Making a fuss just makes you look like a prude who can’t take a joke and if we’ve learned anything from The Situation, it’s that no one likes a prude.

To the rest of you lot, maybe you need to watch some funny clips from YouTube or something and relearn how to take a joke. Just because you make millions from movies does not exclude you from being made fun of, so come on down from the pedestal you all have placed yourself on and crack a smile. Yes, Nicole Kidman, it might mess with your daily Botox injections but it’s totally worth it.

Sincerely,
Courtney (aka Tay Swift’s BFF)

P.S. I do understand that your personal life is unfortunately in the public eye, and I am sorry. I can’t imagine how annoying that must be. But still…you signed up for this ish so deal with it.

As Hollywood stirs the pot of gossip-shaped noodles, I’m eating spoonful after spoonful. Hollywood always gives us the generous opportunity to lift all of our own emotional flounders and replace them with the train-wrecks and idiots overpopulating the City of Angels.  This week, however, was rather chill for (most) celebs.  Reese Witherspoon went shopping wearing floral and drank iced tea with her daughter, Sienna and Jude vacationed in Spain, Vanessa Hudgens was spotted shopping in a floppy hat and Blake Lively applied lip gloss in public (!).

Awww, the bittersweet summer in Hollyweird slowly coming to a blissful end.

Don’t worry though. A lull in August isn’t completely a bust.  Here is what’s goin down in celeb town (sorry, it was too tempting).

I’ll Take a Big Mac

Prop 8 Is Overturned in California and Celebs Tweet Their Phrase! Celebrity Twitter accounts exploded when Prop 8 was overturned in California.  A few of my personal favorites of course involved Lady Gaga talking about bubbles and dreams. @LadyGaga: At the moments notice of PROP 8 DEATH I instantly began to write music. BUBBLE DREAMS FOREVER! FULL EQUALITY! THIS IS JUST THE BEGININNG!

Leo Granted Restraining Order. Against crazy-town Aretha Wilson who attacked the Titanic heartthrob with a beer bottle in 2005.  Attacked with a beer bottle? Was it one of those new plastic Michelob Lights? Did it bounce right off his flawless face? I kid Leo, I kid. The bottle was broken and he needed stitches for the incident!  And Wilson’s bail has been raised from $60,000 to $150,000 because of concern about her willingness to get back to court.  I’m just wondering what he could have done to that 40-year-old women to receive wrath like that? I mean come on, he gave us Jack Dawson. Where’s the abuse-motive in that, Miss Wilson??

Hilary Duffster Pushes Wedding With Slice-of-Hockey-Heaven Mike Comrie to Next Week! Like woah, the wedding bells in Duff’s ears must be giving her a migraine because a new report says they will be prancing down the aisle August 14th (as in next week).  They also recently purchased their freak-nest right next door to homegirls Britney Spears and Gwen Stefani. Wait, is Duff hearing wedding bells or babies crying?

Bristol Announces She Got Played by Levi and They Break It Off. Again. A week after an engagement announcement. Relationship expert announced the couple was “very immature.” Hey, I’m a relationship expert too and I say, “Levi is a fame whore!”

Rosie O’ Donnell Get’s Her Own Show on Oprah TV. Oprah claims it will be “playful and energetic.”  No name of the show or debut date has been announced yet.  But Rosie says the show will be a “single topic, hour long show about life, love and laughter.” Sweet, Rosie O’ LiveLoveLaugh. Very Sweet.

Small Fry Please

Rihanna Poses With Young Fans Dressed As Clowns. Rihanna left her hotel in Toronto, Canada to pose with fans dressed up as clowns. This is weird, Rihanna, and I don’t get it, but kudos to you for not being afraid!  In other news, watch her new video featuring a red wig, Eminem and Megan Fox. That’s a lot.

Emma Watson Chops Off All Her Tresses; Calls It Liberating. Although I feel like chopping off my hair would end up like one of those Sour Patch Kid commercials, Watson had a different outlook.  She claims chopping her hair off was the most liberating thing she’d ever done.  And kudos for that, Emma Watson. (Speaking of which, Kudos are so good. I’m totally jonesing for one now.)  Lindsay Lohan thinks wearing her leggings line in jail is liberating, so keep up the good work on being a normal teenager.

Justin Bieber Visits Band Camp. Hold on to your kicks, kids. Justin Timberlake didn’t visit my art camp when I was in middle school, dag nabbit! JBeebs, however, has other plans and visited the Seminole High School in Florida as part of the Best Buy and Grammy Foundation for music programs. Cute and positively community driven. Awesome, Beebs!

Heidi Montag Tweets About Missing Lauren Conrad. Right when I thought Montag was giving her plead to become BFFs with Conrad an RIP label, she tweets about watching old Hills episodes and missing Audrina (but Lauren the most). Make the visuals of Heidi attempting Operation: Crying dissolve.

Katie Holmes ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ Trailer is Released. Let’s play a game; who’s more scared? You of that trailer, or Holmes of her acting career?

To sign off, I’m going to have to leave with a nugget of hotness to freeze-frame in your mind and file for later; Bradley Cooper has nice calves.

Finally, we’ve made it through a week without a cheating scandal! Hollywood’s finest has managed to keep it in their pants for a whole seven days. Good job, celebutards!

Crucial Information

1. Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage this week, landing him in the ICU in a Phoenix hospital. Doctors think the cause may be from his diabetes. He is doing a lot better and is now speaking, which is a big improvement. His team is hoping he’ll be well enough to resume his tour at the end of May. Get well soon, we need another season of Rock of Love!

2. Sandra Bullock is a mom! I can’t believe she kept this secret under wraps for so long. Sandra and Jesse have been in the adoption process for four years and brought the 3 1/2 month old baby home before the Oscars. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelity broke, Sandra has confirmed she has filed for divorce and is adopting as a single parent. Good for her! It’s nice to see her getting back on her feet.

3. It’s the Biebonic plague! Justin Bieber has caused massive insanity in Australia and New Zealand this week. Bieber Fever hit and about ten girls fainted and a few went to the hospital. I love me some Biebs, but this is out of control. Someone even pushed his mom!

4. Jenna Jameson’s boyfriend, Tito Ortiz, was arrested for domestic violence earlier this week. Jameson reportedly had visible injuries and claimed he threw her into a bathtub, but she’s been having trouble keeping her stories straight. Ortiz said she has a painkiller addiction, but Jameson passed a drug test a few days ago. Yesterday, Jenna Jameson withdrew the allegations claiming the whole thing was a misunderstanding.

5. Lindsay Lohan continues to be a hot mess. This week she Tweeted up a storm after her fame whoring father, Michael Lohan, busted into her apartment with the cops. He proceeded to start a Twitter war with her and accused her of being HIV positive! This family needs to go to Dr. Drew therapy and get their shizz together.

Less Crucial Stuffs

1. Chelsea Handler is the latest victim of a sex tape scandal, but the comedian revealed it’s part of her stand-up reel. Whether that story is true or just a very clever cover-up, that woman can do no wrong in my book.

2. Gleeks get ready! The Glee tour dates have been released. It’s not a big tour, but if you’re in those areas, definitely check it out. And invite me!

3. Steve Carrell has sadly confirmed that the next season of The Office will be his last. Let’s hope they end the show completely, because as much as I love me some Jim, there’s no show without that man.

4. Katie Holmes will be playing Jacqueline Kennedy in the History channel’s series, The Kennedys. The Internet world doesn’t seem to think she’ll be able to handle the job, but at least she’ll be able to leave Tom Cruise’s watch for a few weeks.

5. Iron Man 2 comes out this weekend, so check out hottie Scarlett Johansson.

Does Chelsea Handler have a sex tape?

Wait, how many women did Tiger sleep with?!

Some people are really (REALLY) stupid.

How did we miss the news of Sandra’s divorce?

Justin Bieber’s got a secret!

Katie Holmes gets a job. Finally.

So, despite the fact that their assistants and private security will probably send these gifts away before they have the chance to open and enjoy them, here is my list of gifts I’ll be picking up for my favorite Hollywood A (and D) Listers.

Katie Holmes: A Patagonia jacket and some running shoes. The company is eco-friendly, you know. And, well, you never know when Katie might need to go running. In the middle of the night. In the middle of the winter. From a large compound in Telluride.

Brad Pitt: Condoms. And lots of them.  I don’t care how much he might love getting it on with his hot wife kids, we all know what happens to families with too many. And eight is already too many. Plus, Brad is so much sexier on a motorcycle than when he’s toting the kids around in a giant Escalade. And a nasty beard.

Jennifer Aniston: We know this Hollywood starlet hasn’t had the best luck with men, so we thought we’d give her something a little more dependable. Now she can have it all: the long-term cuddle buddy she’s been looking for, without all of that tabloid heartache.

Rob Pattinson: Me, wrapped in a bow. Or, you know, maybe some shampoo?

Tiger Woods: A lifetime pass The Bunny Ranch, the legal brothel in Nevada. Homeboy’s gonna need to get his rocks off somewhere now that he’s effed his way through the entire population of Florida.

Speidi: A vacation. Forever. In Sub-Saharan Africa. What can I say – I’m a giver.

Jon Gosselin: It’s hard to look cool in a giant van when you’re carting around your eight adorable Asian kids. Which is why Jon totally needs some Ed Hardy floor mats and a steering wheel cover. And if I have any money left over, maybe I’ll throw in a custom paint job, too. Anything to help Jonny Boy find true love again.

Adam Lambert:  Eye-makeup remover.  And a chisel.

Kanye West: According to Tim McGraw AND Snoop Dogg, all Kanye West deserves for Christmas is a serious beat down. But maybe I should leave that to Chris Brown?

No?

Too soon?

Thanks to those 5 glorious days off last week, this week feels like its been going on for an eternity. Friday seems so close yet so far away and right now we’re bored. And completely checked out from anything and everything academic.

Black Friday and Cyber Monday have given me my fill of shopping for awhile (aka until next week), and all this Tiger Woods bullsh*t is pissing me off. Who does he think he is dominating all the top stories of every one of my gossip websites? I avoid golf for a reason – it sucks. Enough already!

So what is a bored, Internet surfing college student to do?

Find someone entertaining to stalk, of course. And who is more entertaining than high-heel-sportin’ Suri Cruise?

I know what you’re thinking: what the hell does Suri cruise do besides wear a more expensive wardrobe than me? Well, I bet you didn’t know that she kept an online diary full of her deepest thoughts and feelings.

I agree; who knew she was so computer savvy? And witty? And eloquent?

Not that I’m surprised. She is Suri, after all.

If you’re looking for something to get you through this Thursday until Joel McHale shows up at 8pm, I highly recommend catching up with Lady Suri.

This is bound to keep you entertained for hours.

Those are the cutest pigs I’ve ever seen.

That’s Katy Perry? Homegirl looks chic.

Is Katie Holmes really a “woman of Hollywood”?

Brad and Jen have another secret rendezvous.

Don’t mess with Lebron James!

Get Kim Kardashian’s beauty secrets.