• Amy Winehouse kicks Keith Richards ass when it comes to trashing a hotel room.

• The intelligent bra takes the jiggle out of jogging.

• Posh Spice dresses really, really bad.

• WTF??? Paris is going to Harvard.

• Skinny is out… 2008 is all about the wide-leg.

• The Hills’ LC is going to the big house.

We follow their daily mishaps online as if it were the nail-biting storyline of our favorite primetime soap. There is something so inherently beautiful about the celebrity trainwreck. You know you should, but you cannot look away.

So, in celebration of this morbid fascination, we thought we would give you the chance to choose your favorite celebrity’s next misfortune.

The following are 5 Top Tabloid Heavyweights. Click on a storyline to vote for the headline you would like to see happen next.

Britney Spears

Britney Spears’ next move?

Choose your own celebrity misfortune for Kate Moss, Ellen Degeneres, Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag after the jump.

Kate Moss

Kate Moss’ next move?

Ellen Degeneres

Ellen Degeneres’ next move?

Paris Hilton

Paris’ next move?

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag’s next move?

Spinner.com came out with their Top 21 Hardest Partiers of Rock recently. We are HUGE fans of Spinner and usually they are right on point. My mom told me that every good relationship has its ups and downs, and Spinner and I are having a lovers’ spat right now.

Here are Spinner’s Top 5 mistakes:

5. Stevie Nicks is a harder partier than all of Van Halen? Wow…Stevie Nicks couldn’t hold David Lee Roth’s sweaty, vodka-stained jockstrap. Van Halen – even just David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen – drank, smoked, snorted and screwed their way across the country and out of millions in possible tour revenues by being f-d up to perform.

But you know what…OK, maybe Fleetwood Mac knew how to ball, what do I know?! Even my parents thought Fleetwood Mac were gay.

4. I am a more hardcore partier than Britney Spears. In the financial world, people refer to “old money” and “new money.” Brit-Brit is new money, yet she scored higher on Spinner’s list than Iggy Pop, one of the oldest money Legends of Rock.

Iggy has been hammered and high since before Britney was conceived in her mom’s broken down Ford. Mr. Pop has been in and out of rehab more times than Brit has worn a thong. She’s a slave to attention, not partying hard.

Read the rest of the story and see  who made the list after the jump.

3. Amy Winehouse gets drunk and high, calls a hooker to smoke with her, and then gets into scratching fight with her husband. Waylon Jennings snorted over $1500 a day (in the 1970s) on coke, with a group of hookers in a cheap hotel – all of this while Willie Nelson was sitting 20 feet away smoking pot and playing his guitar. Amy has not only just started being a junkie, but even worse – she can’t handle a high. Either tone it down or amp it up, Miss Winehouse/Little Miss Hipster – ease up on the woe-is-me ballads and find a metal guitarist to help you pick up the tempo.

2. ODB higher than the Rolling Stones and Sid Vicious?! What What WHAT?! Look at Keith Richards?! He died 27 years ago, but the whiskey in his blood stream is keeping his body animated. Yet the Stones are lower ranking than ODB, Courtney Love and Pete Doherty? I am sorry, but who the fuck is Pete Doherty? Sid died at 21 after a huge 10 day drug binge – call me after 10 days of hard work Mr. Doherty.

1. If partying rockers were a game of Rock/Paper/Scissors, GG Allin would be a cinder block. For those of you who don’t know, GG Allin was from a band called the Murder Junkies. He is the most hardcore rocker of all time, no questions asked.

Imagine being so high and drunk that you say, “Hey, maybe I should shit and piss on stage, and then beat myself in the head with an aluminum can ’til I bleed?” That in a vomit smelling nut-shell is the life and career of GG Allin, and warrants him being the #1 Hardest Partying Rocker of ALL TIME.

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Living a less than stellar lifestyle health-wise does make you look older. All those late nights and foreign toxins going into the body…sounds kinda like college, huh?

Well, this hard partying/quick aging trend is catching on for the young celebs of our generation — not just the rock and roll greats of years past.

The UK’s Mirror had a recent article up about Real Age vs. Body Age, and rated unhealthy celebs like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse against uber-healthy Madonna.

The results:

Madonna: Real AGE: 48, Body AGE: 35

Britney: Real AGE: 25, Body AGE: 30

Amy Winehouse: Real AGE: 23, Body AGE: 31

Interested to see how your college years are taking a toll on you?

Luckily, The Mirror also provides a handy dandy little quiz that you can take to calculate your “Body Age.”

If the inspiration to live a healthier life doesn’t come after you find out your number, just imagine looking like this in only a matter of years. Yeah, that’ll do it.

Keith, we have brought you here to let you know that we love you and are worried about you. We will spare you the “drugs are bad…mmmkaaayyy” speech, but your issues are much larger than your choice of nasal recreations.

Your Dad’s ashes? Really? You must be really strung out when that seems like a good idea. Don’t get us wrong – this definitely adds you to the list of hardcore rockers from now until eternity – but there are many other ways you could have chosen to celebrate the life of Bert Richards. When my dog died, I made a little collage of pictures of us together – a tribute if you will. Keith, try Picasa from Google and let your creative juices flow.

Seriously though, you need to take it down a notch. You in your 60′s and you look like Death is your roady – simma-down-now Keith simma-down.