Just kidding.

There is also a wedding gown. And…wait for it…a bridesmaid dress, too! Hahahaha, suckers. You thought all those challenges were done and you were free, but those crazy cats at Bravo had to put you through the ringer one last time.

But I am getting ahead of myself. How can I not talk about Tim’s home visits?! He watches Korto drum in Arkansas, takes a bike ride with Leanne in Portland (and wears a helmet, which pretty much makes up for the entire season), does nothing with Kenley cuz she has no friends or family, and hangs out with the Jerrel crew. It was all very exciting and touching and blah, blah, blah.

And then the designers reunite in NYC. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t wait for some serious daggers to be thrown around the room now that Kenley watched the show and got to see what everyone said about her (mainly: she sucks at life), but there were none. NONE. In fact, instead of beating people up, Kenley served everyone champagne.

Lame.

Also lame? Bridesmaids dresses. They are always ugly, unflattering messes that oftentimes come in some atrocious pastel colored satin that somehow costs $300 and gets thrown in the back of your closet once the night is over because you would never be caught dead in that thing again.

Whew. Sorry ’bout that.

Let’s get back to the point. Bridesmaids dresses used to be my worst nightmare (next to shattering yet another iPhone) until Leanne-imal and Kenley proved me wrong with their gorgeous designs. I won’t be getting married anytime soon (most of my men don’t last through breakfast), but I want Kenley’s dress at my wedding. I want it, I want it, I want it! It was so. damn. cute.

Unlike that crap that Jerrel and Korto marched down the runway. And that made me sad. Really sad, because Korto has been my favorite the entire season and OH MY GOD! SHE IS GONNA GET SENT HOME. THAT DRESS LOOKS LIKE POO. PLEASE DON’T SEND HER HOME. I HAVE MONEY RIDING ON THIS.

SHE HAS TO WIN. [Excerpted from my notes from the episode.]

But she doesn’t get sent home; Jerrel’s hot mess of a wedding dress is too much for the judges (and any bride who doesn’t want to look like a pile of dirty garbage on her wedding day) and he is sent packin’. Don’t feel too bad for him, though; he still got to show at Fashion Week (a little TV trick), so I’m sure he’s A-OK.

And tonight it seems the pressure has finally gotten to Jerell. The dude hit the crazy wall and kept on running. I mean he was talking to fruit and syrup. And he wore a shirt so low that I kept seeing his nips. And that straw hat? What is with him and the hats? Is he channeling Justin Bobby?

But Jerell isn’t the only one goin’ batsh*t insane; it seems that I may be going crazy myself. For a brief moment I actually felt bad for Kenley. No, not because she left her tulle or because her dress looked like something that was more appropriate for the Drag Challenge; I felt bad cuz the girl is an outsider (and I always feel bad for outsiders!).

The poor girl grew up on a tugboat. It’s not her fault she’s a disrespectful and arrogant bitch; whom has she ever interacted with besides a bunch of seamen?

But don’t worry; as soon as that biatch started talkin’ sh*t about the other designers I turned off my feelings and moved on. She sucks and I couldn’t wait to see what the judges thought of her scaley stripper dress.

The challenge on tonight’s episode was to take inspiration from some flowers in the NY Botanical Garden and make a gown. It seemed easy enough, but everyone seemed to jack it up on the runway.

But while the dresses were meh (besides Jerell’s – his was pretty fab) the drama was THE BOMB. I couldn’t tell if they were in a boxing ring or on a runway. It was that good. First Kenley gets criticized (as she damn well should of with that monstrosity), to which she tries to put Heidi in her place. And what happens? A good ol’ verbal bitch slap courtesy of Nina Garcia, that’s what. Then, in one of the most cliché moves in reality TV, the judges asked everyone who they would take to Fashion Week.

And everyone left Kenley back in 1955.

Awwww daaaaaamn.

Sucks to be Kenley. Too bad the judges didn’t really listen to anyone and let all the designers go home to prep for the main event. Which is good, I guess, because my home girl Korto was also on the chopping block for her orange pageant dress and I totes have her pegged as the season winner.

And I guess I do sorta wanna see what kinda mess Kenley brings back to NY for the finale, because, unlike everyone else in the world, I haven’t peeked at the pics yet!

Can’t wait for next week. Go Korto, go!

Then the designers find out they have to design for one another, which is when everything got really fun, because their designs had to be inspired by a certain genre of music.

And someone up above was watching over this situation and fulfilled my dreams of finally laughing at an episode of Project Runway by putting the most ridiculous pairings together.

Here’s the breakdown:

Jerell has to be dressed in rock and roll (where is Leatha Stella when you need her?)

Suede must be donned in punk rock attire.

Kenley is to look like a pop star

Korto has to go country.

Leanne has to rock the hip hop look.

Yeah, this is bonafide comedy fo sho.

The designers go to the fabric store where we see Kenley purchasing a floral fabric (SHOCK!) for a hip hop ensemble (Questionable…) We also find out that Suede classically trained cellist…and he’s dressed Britney Spears?

So much going on. So little time to care.

I really just want to get to the runway show. Until, of course, Tim comes in to do a little advising and totally bitch slaps that ugly red lipstick right off of Kenley’s face.

The problem with Kenley is that she can’t handle ANY criticism. She is like a guy in the bedroom; tell her she did something wrong and she turns her back to you and starts to cry (leaving you forced to finish everything yourself…wait…I think I took the analogy a step too far). I think the girl needs to step away from her hipster collection of vintage vinyl records and realize that she has NO IDEA what hip hop is.

Oh and she better respect Tim Gunn. No one talks back to that man and gets away with it. NO ONE.

So, as usual, Kenley decides she’s not gonna listen to Tim. And now it is time for the most amazing runway since the drag queens. The designers head to hair and makeup where Suede is given a multicolored front mullet, Kenley is totally turned into Britney Spears, Leanne is turned into a white girl trying too hard and Jerell….looks exactly the same.

The designers strut their stuff down the runway and I have to say – seeing Kenley dressed as a total slut, Korto in cowboy boots and Leanne do a “hip hop move” at the end of the runway makes this the best episode of all time. (Oh and did anyone else totally see Jerell’s junk in those pants?!)

Yes, I am including every single season. Even the whole “Andre, let’s go to Red Lobster” sitch.

Anyways, the judges (including LL Cool J…who totally put Kenley in her place…and is so effing hot) deliberated and crowned Korto’s punk design for Suede as the winning look.

Yayyy Korto!

The bottom 2 were Kenley and Suede. According to Heidi (and her terrible metaphor), Suede stayed too safe: “You could have turned up the volume but you stayed silent.” Get it? Cuz he was designing a rock and roll look? Heidi is so clever!

So, Suede was sent home. Wearing metallic green eyeshadow.

That’s just wackadoodle!

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Yeah, I’ll say it: I laughed out loud. And it felt good.

And, being that last night’s episode was all about the Olympic games, I decided it was only fitting to choose an MVP. And, quite obviously, it is going to Blayne and his many hilaaaarious one-liners:

“Other people go to the gym. I go tanning.”

“The Olympics are HUMUNGOUS! SO big. Thousands and millions and billions of people. Heck yeah I’m going for the Gold!”

“In tanning, I’m an Olympic athlete. It only goes to Bronze medal.”

“I just don’t do the Beatles…Sorry Ringo.”

I know he seems to be melting due to his lack of tanning, but I think it makes me like him more. And he has all those bright 80’s Hyper Color t-shirts; he’ll get through it. Oh, and he is MVP purely for what he says. His design sucked.

The challenge this week was to design the outfits for Team USA to wear to the Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Olympics. Not that they would actually be wearing them. Pshaw! Ralph Lauren designed that sh*t. But, Bravo (owned by NBC, which is running the games) needed to throw the plug in there somehow, so they did.

Anyways, Apolo Ohno explained the challenge to the designers and, in doing so, completely messed everyone up. Apolo, darling, you are cute but you are not too quick. When talking to designers (many of whom are GAY MEN WHO DON’T WATCH SPORTS), you cannot describe the opening ceremonies as, “a fashion show for the Olympics.” These designers do not watch the opening ceremonies and, no matter how many museums they go to, when they hear “fashion show” they will design for a fashion show. Not a sporting event.

And you saw the runway….do you not agree?

The stuff those designers walked down that runway was designed for 1 type of person: a model. I watched that show in horror wondering what those weightlifters/gymnasts would look like in that stuff. One word: AWFUL. These designers ALL missed the mark on this challenge. And it is Apolo’s fault.

In the end, the judges agree with me. (Does that make me REALLY smart, or was this just completely obvious?) Boring Jennifer with her grandma attire gets sent home and Korto takes home the Gold. Personally, I LOVED Terry’s outfit, but maybe the judges were worried about muscley arms fitting into that jacket? Whatever, I want it. Terry, call me!

It was an exciting and hilarious episode and I just hope this is a sign of things to come for the rest of the season. I just can’t f-ing wait for Stella to be called out by the judges/PETA for her constant use of leatha, for Suede to stop saying things are “Wackadoodle” and for Daniel to test his sexuality with Kenley. That would make my year, fo sho.