Dear Britney,

I hope this letter finds you well. Or at least wearing a pair of underwear. I am writing to you today on behalf of all of us 20-something women who spent our high school and college years dancing/working out to your music and thinking of your ridiculous abs as we lay on the gym floor willing ourselves to do one last crunch.

We are worried about you, Britney.

It was only a few years ago that you sat atop the world in a one piece leather jumpsuit. Then along came Kevin. You fell in love, you got married and decided to bow out of the spotlight for a bit. That’s fine. I could have used a few new songs on my workout playlist, but everyone is entitled to a little “me” time. But, somehow, “Britney” time turned into “Trailer Park” time and we saw what can now be considered the furthest fall for a celeb since Michael Jackson started touching little boys.

What happened behind the closed doors at camp Spears? How did you go from the hottest thing on the planet to this?

Britney, while you totally screwed the pooch at the VMA’s (a bra and panty set? Really?!) and, while we’re at it, at raising children, it really isn’t that hard for you to make a comeback. Maybe not as a mega pop star, but at least as someone not totally crazy/white trash and who has a shred of dignity. And who can keep her eyelashes in the correct place while doing a giant interview on NBC. Read More »

At least Britney Spears is an inspiration to someone.

TMZ has posted a video of artist Ryan Crotty’s alarming “installation” which was based off of the life of everyone’s favorite trainwreck.

Basically a baby doll being force-fed a Pepsi with it’s hand shoved into a bag of Cheetos, Crotty’s art was paraded down the streets of Los Angeles and –thank God– it was all captured by TMZ.

I want to hate on this “artist” so badly, you guys. You have no idea. With his dated “trendy” neckerchief and stupid oversized glasses, he looks no different than any East Village hipster (what’s the LA equivalent? Anyone?).

You know he’s a Perez-reading, VH1-watching, beer guzzling (probably only Pabst, though) dude…except he’s a “creative”-type.

You know what I mean. He shops at H&M and answers to no one!

Ugh. Spare me. This is art? This is what inspires the masses? This is the best we can do?

Either way, can we all agree that with this mockery of art, Britney has officially jumped the shark? Okay, so she’s a bad mother. Kevin Federline is suing her. She’s a crack-pot with bad taste in…everything. Read More »

Alli Sims.

The fact that we know that name implies that we should know something about her other than the fact that she follows Britney Spears around like a stray puppy. Is she her cousin as others have reported? Her assistant (that would explain a lot)? Perhaps just a loyal and fame hungry pal?

Apparently, the Baton Rouge, Louisiana native has been singing her entire life and according to her official site (What? Don’t you have one?), the former sorority sister says;

“In 2003 I graduated from college and my roommate and I threw our stuff in a U-haul and moved to Los Angeles. I have been living and working here ever since…. We will see what my future has in store”.

It is still very unclear whether Alli and Britney come from the same gene pool, although Alli seems far too well spoken and physically coordinated to be a Spears. In fact, if Brit plans on doing any future Dateline interviews perhaps Alli could lend a hand by speaking off-camera while Spears moves her mouth like a puppet (What? We know the girl can lip synch).

But the truth is that Alli may not have the time to help out her “cousin” with an upcoming album produced by Britney’s former fling and music mogul J.R. Rotem. Could Britney be promoting the career of someone who may just replace her on the Billboard charts? Okay, it’s doubtful that Alli’s remake of “On My Own” from Les Miz is going places but you never know. Read More »

If you had told me two years ago that K-Fed would turn out to be the responsible one in the relationship he had with Britney, I would have asked you how many times you listened to Popozao, how loud your speakers were when you did so, and if your brain had been mutilated in the process.

But I would have wrongly insulted you, because Kevin is certainly turning out to be the best thing his kids can hope for.

A few days ago, K-Dawg began serving papers to a few close acquaintances of Britney, cousin Alli Sims being one of them. The horrible rapper’s lawyers claim many more “acquaintances” of Spears will be served, body guards and nannies most likely included.

After hearing the bad news, Britney went out and did what any certifiably insane person would do; cruised a drugstore for cheap candles and a $12.95 Hallmark gift book entitled “50 Truths Worth Knowing”. Read More »

If you’ve accidentally caught Paula Abdul’s new Bravo reality show Hey Paula, you know what a boring snoozefest it truly is. If you’ve spared yourself the misery, I can break the episodes down in one sentence: Paula acts weird, cries about people not understanding her, bitches about being tired, and claims she’s an amazing person.

Repeat that sentence fifty times and you’ve got yourself a series.

These days, if you’re a semi-famous celebrity, you’ve got a reality show. Careful editing and funny camera work makes you seem normal and almost endearing in front of a national audience, but as soon as the crews go home, you go back to being an almost nobody who has a big problem with something (which usually gets worse after a quick reboot of fame). Read More »

Ok. Enough is enough. Lending your name to a restaurant, or even a hamburger grill is one thing, but a search engine? For f@#k sake, give me a break. According to “Attack of the Show” on G4tv, K-Fed, the no-class, jack-ass has done just that. Thank God Google is getting into the mobile phone biz, because the competition from SearchWithKevin.com just might put the industry leader into chapter 13.

But no really, all kidding aside, this is why I switched- every time you enter a search on Mr. Spear’s engine, you might just win a prize, like an invitation to K-Fed’s B-day party, or better still, an autographed 8 x 10. It is so much fun I just can’t help myself.

As an entertainer / spokesperson, where do you go from here? K-Fed the Queen-Sized Maxi Pad?