Flip through the channels on any given day and take your pick of whose lives you’d like a firsthand look at- pregnant high-schoolers, wealthy housewives, bridezillas, fist-pumping guidos, drug addicted celebs, trashy hoes fighting (literally) for the love of a rockstar, famous-for-no-reason celebs, tiara clad toddlers, and people who’ve had waaaaay too many children.

The good news? Even more reality gems are coming our way! If you’re like me and can’t get enough trashy television, let these upcoming series hold you over until the second season of Jersey Shore finally starts…

1. Sunset Daze
If you think you’ve seen it all, think again, because this new series set for spring 2010, brought to you by We, is set in a retirement community. Yes, one very much like the one you go to to visit Grandma Betty for an afternoon of water aerobics and Bingo. Tag lines include “the golden years just got more golden,” and “no, it’s not spring break, this is Sunset Daze.” Yeah. I’ll be tuning into this one for sure…

2. Sarah Palin’s Alaska
After countless SNL skits and controversy over her home life and politics, this maverick is finally gonna show America what she’s really about. The show is produced by Mark Burnett (the mastermind behind Survivor) and is supposed to be a “non-political” reality series about the attractions of Alaska. Sounds thrilling.

3. Bully Beatdown
Who else loves the people who come up wit MTV’s reality shows!? I mean, who are these geniuses!? If you were bullied in high school (or still are), nominate the wrongdoer to step into the ring with a pro-MMA fighter! (Disclaimer: they earn money for this, so it’s not total punishment…) I know I’ve got some bitchy, rumor-spreading ex-bff’s from high school I’d like to toss in there…just sayin’.

4. Jerseylicious
Big hair, orange skin, and guy drama in the Garden State made for big ratings last time, so why not capitalize!? The Style Network is bringing us Jerseylicious, a reality show about the staff of the upscale Gatsby Salon (one of which is dating another’s ex-boyfriend- drama!). The thought of someone with metallic eyeshadow, a foot-tall pouf and that much bronzer being in charge of beautifying other people is terrifying, and enough to make me want to tune into this (inevitable) trainwreck.

5. Kirstie Alley’s Big Life
Kirstie Alley is putting her weight in the spotlight (yet again) with her new show that now airs on A&E. Over the years, we’ve watched her gain weight, lose it, then gain it back again, and frankly, it’s getting boring. She’s gorgeous no matter how much she weighs, so why does she keep making such a freakin’ big deal about it?

6. Little Chocalatiers
Seriously, TLC must stand for “The Little Channel.” As if the Little Couple and Little People Big World weren’t enough, TLC brings us this series about “Steve Hatch, Kate Masterson and team creating chocolate dice via assembly line.” I’m curious to see how they form an entire series around making chocolate dice via an assembly line. Anyone else?

7. Table for Twelve
Yet another show (TLC again) about a couple who has way too many kids. It’ll probably be REALLY unique, seeing their mom cook dinner and dad play in the backyard while screaming toddlers run around. I might tune in just to see if their mom is a frigid bitch and their dad wears Ed Hardy. Deja vu?

An NYU student was found dead at the library this morning.

Some celebs did it all wrong on Halloween.

Is there a J.Lo sex tape coming?

Angelina Jolie needs a cookie.

Kirstie Alley tries another weight loss idea.

Kim Kardashian gets a fist to the face.

The rumors of brainwashing and cult status have hardly effected The Celebrity Centre’s “seekers of truth” as they pile in daily to find a path to spiritual enlightenment. Their beliefs seem to fall somewhere between basic human ethics and a science fiction novel, stirring up a wide spread controversy about the agenda of founder L. Ron Hubbard and the financially lucrative empire Scientology has become.

In anticipation of this article I decided to go straight to the sources before embarking on my research. But the more Scientologists I speak to the less I seem to learn about the religion itself. When interviewing a friend of a friend whose parents are active in the Centre and the Congregation, his answers hardly made any sense at all.

For instance: “Do you believe in God?” launched the same question back. “As a Scientologist, you choose whether or not you believe in a higher power. Every follower has a different perspective that can be applied to the religion”. The entire conversation left me with no direct conclusions to the mysteries that lie within the teachings. It seemed after speaking to a life long follower that even die hard Scientologists have a hard time putting their interpretations into perspective. It’s indistinct conclusions can easily apply to anyone and everyone with even the most minor sense of morality. So what exactly separates Scientologists from the rest of us?

Well, for starters they believe in Xenu, a galactic ruler who, 75 million years ago carried billions of humans to the planet, placed them around volcanoes, blowing them up with hydrogen bombs, causing their homeless souls to stick to the bodies of the living. Confused yet? It does sound more along the lines of Scientologist John Travolta’s film Battlefield Earth (based on a novel by Hubbard) than the doctrine that accompanies the contemporary religious belief. A better title for the box office bomb may have been “Incident 2”, as it is referred to in their scriptures. The events associated with “Incident 2” may also be referred to as “The R6 Implant” or “The Wall of Fire”. There was something about discovering blatantly twisted beliefs like these in my research that lead me to believe Hubbard was not creating a religion at all, but a statement on religion itself. With a sense of irony, something tells me that these impossible beliefs hold no actual investment. They simply exist to see who is vulnerable enough to actually believe them and in turn who will pay to a join the elitist club.

We have all seen the fold out tables conveniently placed in train stations during rush hour adorned with signs above reading “Stress Test”. What New Yorker, or human being for that matter, isn’t overwhelmed by the stress of daily life? This stress test or “tone scale” is more than just a public service for the aggravated commuter. The tone scale is a characterization of human mood. Ranging from a positive to a negative tone forty, it is measured from total failure to serenity of being. It is believed that the lower you score on this scale the less your interactions with the world will mean.

Out of curiosity, and a desire to form a full fledged opinion on the topic, I decided to give it a try. In the test, they not only questioned my ability to listen and believe in the ideas of others but I was surprised to find that they actually asked about my ability to be hypnotized. Chris, the seemingly normal young man that administered the test hardly ever seemed to blink when he looked into my eyes. He leaned closer as if revealing sensitive information and informed me that on a scale of forty I was a 2.5. When I asked what exactly that meant, he told me that I have a small group of close friends, I feel that others sometimes misunderstand me, I don’t achieve all the goals that I set for myself, and that my potential for success is fair, but can be considerably increased.

Only affirming all of my opinions when it comes to religious cults like this, I fled before he even got a chance to finish his pitch on Hubbard’s best selling book “Dianetics“, (a steal for eight dollars) but opted for a metro card over contrived spiritual enlightenment. So I guess for someone like me, on the low end of the tone scale the point would be to raise my score. This increase in points can be achieved by what they call “auditing”.

Auditing is the main concern among Scientology challengers. It is widely thought of as brain washing or a mental manipulation. It is in essence, designed to bring the subconscious mind to the surface, causing participants to become more susceptible to suggestion and or mind control. Typically preying on the weak and vulnerable, it is said that the philosophies are often used by former addicts and alcoholics as a means to stay sober. It seems to rob worshipers of the ability to form individual conclusions, removing them from the same unenlightened society that isolated them in the first place. In this feeling of abandonment comes a greater sense of solidarity from the Centre and the community. In a nutshell, it serves as blatant propaganda.

After speaking to another friend and former Scientologist, I was informed that many people believe L. Ron Hubbard started the religion on a bet. Also, he implied that many think the celebrity endorsements stem from blackmail. Another friend, an aspiring actor, had answered an ad in the trade paper Backstage a few years ago. He was surprised to find that the callback for the seemingly ordinary commercial was being held at the Los Angeles Celebrity Centre. After reading the very basic dialogue they suggested that he stay for an audit but he of course declined and never returned. Weeks later, he received a strange phone call from a woman named Carla. Carla began asking questions about his credit report and school records, even mentioning his social security number. Confused, he asked where she was calling from. The answer was of course; The Scientology Centre which prompted an immediate hang up, not to mention an examination of the questionable means The Centre uses to perform background checks on potential followers. After hearing this I decided it was time to investigate who exactly L. Ron Hubbard was and how all of this began.

Hubbard wasn’t always a spiritual leader, in fact published under pseudonyms, he was the author of novellas that ran in pulp magazines in the 1930s, mostly centering around psychological horror and science fiction. Twenty years later Hubbard published a book describing the self improvement techniques of Dianetics entitled “Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health”, introducing the concept of auditing. Mainstream publishers were hardly interested and medical professionals wouldn‘t even entertain the idea, so the manuscript was turned over to science fiction editor John W. Campbell. The book was even publicized in the magazine “Astounding Science Fiction”. Author Jack Williamson described the philosophy as “a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology” that “had the look of a wonderfully rewarding scam.” Dianetics was shunned by The American Psychological Association saying; “they call attention to the fact that these claims are not supported by empirical evidence”. In spite of this controversy, the Los Angeles Centre was born spawning both believers and outrage around the world.

Hubbard’s private life was also making headlines when in the late 1950s his second wife filed for divorce. Not only had Hubbard already been married at the time of their union but the divorce papers also imply that he had kidnapped their daughter and exposed her to “strangulation, scientific torture experiments, beatings, and systemic torment.” To make matters worse, in 1977 the FBI raided the Scientology Centre finding blatant documentation of illegal activities towards the US Government and personal enemies of Hubbard himself, including bomb threats and conspiracies. Also uncovered was “The Snow White Program” Hubbard attempted to reduce or remove inauspicious reports on Scientology or himself especially those detained by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service.

The last five years of Hubbard’s life were anything but enlightened. He wandered the deserts of Creston, California surrounded on a ranch by his aides and handlers. He handed his Scientology empire over to those he trusted and became a virtual prisoner of his own paranoia, fearing actual prison after indictment in the Snow White program. His wife returned to Los Angeles after serving a sentence for her part in the infamous court case, but would never see her husband again. L. Ron Hubbard died of a stroke in a 1982 Bluebird motor home on January 24th, 1986 , just one day after signing his last will and testament.

Clearly, even if he was wrong about Xenu the alien or the theory that human beings derive from Clams, his legacy thrives to this day. As Hubbard himself stated, “Freedom is for honest people. No man who is not himself honest can be free – he is his own trap.” Finally, a work of non-fiction by an author with an overactive imagination and talent for exploitation.