The Huffington Post created this gem of a slideshow several days ago.  Liz O’Neill claims that the usual reasons your roommates loathe you (you’re a slob, a mooch, etc.) are veils for deeper, subtler issues. Actually, they hate you because you are prettier than them. And, you’re going to make more money than them in a few years!

As I read this, I felt like I was listening to a mother stroke her child’s ego. The different hate-causing categories of behavior Ms. O’Neill gives are bizarre. And, based on my own college experiences, totally ludicrous (I mean, seriously? My roommates don’t like me because I have a diary? Seriously?).

So, here are the REAL 7 reasons your college roommates hate you. And sorry – we’re not going to sugar-coat these bad boys.

1.     You’re a Bad Drunk

You’re as sweet as candy during the day. But, after a few shots, you’re slurring your words. You’re cursing like a sailor. You’re losing all functionality in your limbs. As your roommates carry you home, vomit decorating your Sevens, you tell them you hate them and they all suck. The next morning, you feel awful, but you can’t understand why everyone’s so mad because you remember nothing. Well, newsflash: Your roommates hate you because, actually, you’re the one that really sucks.

2.     You’re a Kleptomaniac

When you’re getting ready for work in the morning, hours before your roommates roll out of bed, you steal some Bumble and Bumble hair product from the medicine cabinet. Later that night, when you’re craving a late-night study snack, you grab a bag of your pretzels. Ick, they’re stale. So, you eat your roommate’s instead. When you realize you ate an obvious amount, you throw a few of the stale ones into your roommate’s bag of Snyder’s. You never borrow anything massive, but all the little things add up daily. And she notices.

3.     You Have a 3^rd Roommate… Every Night

Visitors: You love them in the morning, and in the afternoon. You love them in the evening, and underneath the moon. Well, guess what? Your roommate doesn’t. She’s tired of getting sexiled the night before her Econ exam or looming research paper deadline. Learn to keep it in your pants or start dividing your time between your house and your special friend’s to ease the roommate tension.

4.     You’re Messy

Your hair is clogging the shower drain. You left your underwear and smelly workout clothes in the middle of the room. You snacked on some ice cream and frosting and left the dirty bowl and silverwear underneath the couch. You left your dirty pad on the bathroom floor. And now your roommate wants to go all Snooki WWE on you.

5.     You’re Always on the Phone

“OMG!! NO WAY…HE DID NOT!” you shout while your roommate tries to watch the episode of Glee she missed on her laptop. After you hang up, you hear a notification on your computer. Sammy wants to Skype! You click accept, and begin chatting away. We get it: staying in touch with home friends is important in college. However, be respectful of your roommate’s space. She doesn’t want to hear every little detail of Sammy’s life. Or the other 132 people you talk to weekly. Hold the phone (or video chat) until she’s out of the room.

6.     You Love the Snooze Button

Oh, you snoozed 7 times this morning? 3 hours before your roommate needed to be up for class? Yeah, I wonder why she’s pissed.

7.     You’re Passive Aggressive

When something is really bothering you (like the Klepto, Snooze-pressing, insanely sloppy roommate), you are cold. You monosyllabically answer their friendly questions. When they ask you what’s wrong, you say nothing. Welcome to the land of Passive Aggressivia. Population: You. If you want to stop disliking your roommate, you need to actually let them know they are doing something that’s bothering you instead of hoping they’ll get the message. Speak up and you’ll quickly be on the road to a better college-living life.

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

5. Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

6. Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers!

Annoying drunk people…

7. Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you are a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

8. Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels turns transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies. And you could be the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.