“Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.” –  Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

And that is exactly what I plan to do on this day, National Sandwich Day. Sit in peace and eat my go-to sandwich: the T.B.M sandwich from Cosi. With only a mere three ingredients, this sandwich somehow speaks to my soul and brightens even the darkest of days (no thanks to you, Daylight Savings Time.) If this sandwich was a man, I’d be rolling around in bed with it right now. Hell, maybe I’ll do it anyway.

My love of sandwiches and my love of men run almost parallel to each other on the mathematical graph of my life, intersecting only at the moment someone lets me eat a sandwich and have sex at the same time. That’s the stuff dreams are made of. And until that time comes, I’ve thought up a few sandwich ideas that bring my two weaknesses together. Read More »

After countless years of sex education and awkward lectures from our parents, we all know to use condoms. They are the cheap, safe way to keep your uterus empty and your lovely vag disease free — but we know that already.

So you bring home a (somewhat) nice guy one night and decide to get your freak on. Two horny willing participants? Check. Place to do the deed? Check. Condom? Check. Congratulations, you’ve done the responsible thing.

Things get heated up, and you’re too busy blissing out to notice anything, until your man-of-the-night pulls out and says “Um, I don’t know where the condom is…” (actual quote from a friend of mine). Yep, that thin latex bugger slipped off, exposing you to both his swimmers and any potential diseases he might have. Now what?

1) Breathe. Don’t panic. Accidents happen.

2) Find the damn thing. Check the bed, the sheets, the wall? If those locations turn up nothing, take a trip to the bathroom and check out yourself. Yes, there. Sounds gross, but chances are, that’s where it’s ended up.

3) Make sure you’re on the pill. While, of course, it’s not going to protect you 100% from getting knocked-up, it will help ease your nerves. Still freaking out? Continue to step 4… Read More »

Dear PMS:

Why?
Just why?

Who do you think you are? I mean really. You come around once a month like that annoying friend you don’t really want to hear from, yet every month, without fail, she asks you for plans and you feel sort of obligated. So you give in, but then coffee turns into an all day shopping ordeal and by the end you want to tear your hair out because now not only did you learn that you can’t stand the person you are with, but  – bonus lesson! – you learned that eating cookies DOES in fact equal having to buy a size up in your jeans.

Well that’s how I feel with you. Only instead of a day, it’s 5 and the only person I can’t stand to be around is myself. (The part of the too-tight jeans rings true thanks to you making me feel the urge to eat a bag of something salty, which of course leads me to want something sweet, which then of course leads me to want a tuna sandwich. I know! I don’t get it either!)

You make me weepy. I cry at Disney commercials (true story) and when the cheesy music comes on as the lesson is learned at the end of Full House. Strike that – you make me actually want to watch Full House. Read More »

Orgasms have been linked to a number of positive health and beauty tricks. They give you that oh-so-satisfying glow, they can lower stress and even reduce headaches and let’s not forget they are very, very fun. But like everything else in life, those orgasms come with a price (pun unintended).

Unfortunately the big O isn’t all sunshine and toe-curling euphoria that it may seem to be on the surface. Don’t let your libido fool you, orgasms can be dangerous too!

Guardian is reporting that your orgasm could increase your chance of being pregnant, knocked up, with child, up the creek without a condom… however you want to say it. Bottom line: orgasms give couples the best chance at producing a child.

Believe me, I learned my sex ed a long time ago.  Even before sex ed, I had that talk. You know how it goes, “When a man and a woman love each other very much…blah blah blah icky cringe.” That being said, I get that sex leads to babies – there was never any confusion there. Read More »

Here is something to celebrate: there is a new, cheaper female condom on the market! Yay!

As if women didn’t have to bear enough of the birth control burden: paying for The Pill every month and remembering to take it every day (not to mention all those lovely hormonal side-effects). Now we have the option of purchasing yet another contraceptive and dealing with the discomforts of using it.

Super!

Because there are no other options, like, I don’t know, something men can use? Oh, right – like a condom. But those are annoying and expensive and they make sex feel weird (according to men). Why should guys have to suffer when a woman can just do it all? She’s the one who is gonna get pregnant, anyway; she should be the one taking care of all that business.

And this new female condom (cleverly called FC2: Female Condom 2) seems just so easy to use!

The product is a long, lubricated sheath, anchored at either end by a flexible ring. Upon insertion, the smaller ring surrounding the closed end of the sheath is positioned high in the vagina while the larger ring extends outside the canal and covers the labia.

I can imagine just how romantic it will be when everything has to stop so you can shove a giant Ziploc bag up there. That is if the sight of one of these things isn’t enough to kill the mood entirely. The only plus side to this condom is the fact that you eliminate user error on the part of men. You never can trust them to get those things on right (or at all…you saw Knocked Up!).

But that isn’t enough for me. I am sick of everyone putting the birth control responsibility on the woman. It takes two to tango, so it should take 2 to do so safely. If women are taking care of the pills, then men should be responsible for the rest.

It’s only fair.

(We’re back with another weekly installment of G.W.W.E [Guys We Want to Eff]. Ladies, say hello to delicious actor, Paul Rudd. The hunk has been making us laugh till we cry for years on the big screen, so when we’re not deciding between tickling him and cuddling up by his side, he’s certainly tops on our effable list!)

Ask any self-respecting woman what she looks for in a man, and likely among her responses is “the ability to make me laugh.” Look no further than Paul Rudd, the thirtysomething hunk from such smash hits as Anchorman and Knocked Up. When I wasn’t peeing my pants in the theaters, I was drooling over ol’ Paulie. Personality AND looks? Check, check.

And it’s clear I’m not alone.

While he may be known best for his blockbuster roles in Judd Apatow films, he’s also been featured in such landmark comedies as Clueless (duh!) and on television’s Friends as Phoebe’s husband (she was always my favorite Friends chick…so jealous she snagged Paul before the rest of us!). As such, Paul’s effability has been shown to stand the test of time. What could be better than that? (Editor’s Note: effing him, that’s what.)

Mr. Rudd’s new film, Role Models (co-starring the also-scrumptious Sean William Scott) opens today and looks to be his most promising role yet, since there’s nothing more effable than a funny boy who also takes time to hang with kids. You can join me in the movie theater while I fan myself and laugh to death. Or you can stay home with The Great Gatsby and and your Paul Rudd fantasies.

Any takers?

[In this week's installment of G.W.W.E (Guys We Want to Eff), we are climbing into bed with Seth Rogan.

What? You don't agree?

You may not have noticed him in Anchorman, or remember him being in The 40 Year Old Virgin, but, come on, you didn't wanna eff him in Knocked Up? Rogan is even starring in "Zack & Miri Make a Porno," which obviously means he is 100% effable.]

I have never told anyone this before, but after I saw Knocked Up with my (now ex) boyfriend, I was totally turned on. Weird, right? I mean, the thought of having a baby totally freaked me out, and seeing that baby come out of Katherine Heigl’s va-jay totally grossed me out, but I couldn’t keep my hands to myself the entire way home.

And then I realized why: I totally wanted to eff Seth Rogan.

He’s not the type of guy you’d drool over at the bar, (in fact he’s more the type of guy that smokes pot in the corner), nor is he the type your mom would necessarily love to have over for dinner. He was the dorky guy in high school who watched as all the taller, hotter dudes (without the Jew-Fro) got all the girls.

But that is why we love him. Well, that and the fact that he is just really effing hilarious. Read More »

[I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going gal, and try not to sweat the small stuff. But sometimes (ok, maybe slightly more often) the general cluelessness, carelessness and overall stupididty of some things and or/people really gets to me. I find that venting is the most efficient way to rid myself of the stress that idiots, wrong meal orders, lack of cell phone ettiquette and cheese flavored products (that don’t even contain any freaking cheese!) induce. So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortuante road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Football game traffic.

Under no condition should any human be confined to a small metal box harnessed into their seats and surrounded by others doing the same thing. A sweet play list is only a small consolation for being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic as you jealously stare at drunken fans playing flip cup on their front lawns, hours ahead of your severely lacking tailgate level. The only thing worse than the knowledge of your slowly depleting gas tank is the realization that you are missing out on precious pregaming time.

Senseless Acts of Brutality.

I hope that the inclusion of the tragic events affecting Jennifer Hudson’s family on this list doesn’t seem insensitive, because I am pissed. The woman, apart from being beautiful and talented, seems like such a kind person that it’s hard to imagine how anyone could hurt her and her family. Additionally, the pain inflicted on their family is only deepened by the disappearance of Hudson’s 7-year-old nephew. However horribly inhumane it is to commit murder, to take a child from their home and place them in danger is unforgivable a thousand times over. I hope the guilty party is caught and subject to the same pain they put the Hudson family through. Read More »

Welcome to the Baby Daddy War.

One is a super strong, sexy hockey hero; the other is just a hot, hometown Southern boy. But Levi Johnston and Casey Aldridge really aren’t that different. They both have really strong sperm, they are both being forced into marriage (allegedly), and they both decided to knock up the wrong girl.

They are also both kinda sexy in that “I would never touch that, but I can see why that girl let him impregnate her” sorta way.

Would you want your name tattooed on either of their middle fingers?

Which one’s child would you be willing to carry?

Old panties are a suitable replacement for a mom, right?

This past weekend at a celebrity memorabilia auction in Las Vegas, Larry Birkhead, opportunistic baby daddy extraordinaire, purchased some drawers once worn by the late hot mess Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy spread.

Birkhead spent a reported $2800 on a pink bustier and white negligee with the intention of someday giving the items to he and Smith’s year-old daughter, Dannielynn. According to one report, Birkhead said he bought the items in the hope that they will someday help Dannielynn understand her mother’s life and that this was definitely NOT a stunt to ensure his F-List ass stays in the papers. For realzies, guys. Make sure you get my good side.

That poor, poor, poor, poor kid. First her mother and brother die, then she’s in the middle of the most sleazeball custody battle of the 21st century, now she’s gifted a piece of her mom’s history as a trashy soft-core porn star? If Dannielynn makes it to the age of fourteen without getting knocked up or becoming a crackhead, she deserves a Nobel Prize.

[Photo courtesy of OK! Magazine]