Just kidding.

There is also a wedding gown. And…wait for it…a bridesmaid dress, too! Hahahaha, suckers. You thought all those challenges were done and you were free, but those crazy cats at Bravo had to put you through the ringer one last time.

But I am getting ahead of myself. How can I not talk about Tim’s home visits?! He watches Korto drum in Arkansas, takes a bike ride with Leanne in Portland (and wears a helmet, which pretty much makes up for the entire season), does nothing with Kenley cuz she has no friends or family, and hangs out with the Jerrel crew. It was all very exciting and touching and blah, blah, blah.

And then the designers reunite in NYC. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t wait for some serious daggers to be thrown around the room now that Kenley watched the show and got to see what everyone said about her (mainly: she sucks at life), but there were none. NONE. In fact, instead of beating people up, Kenley served everyone champagne.

Lame.

Also lame? Bridesmaids dresses. They are always ugly, unflattering messes that oftentimes come in some atrocious pastel colored satin that somehow costs $300 and gets thrown in the back of your closet once the night is over because you would never be caught dead in that thing again.

Whew. Sorry ’bout that.

Let’s get back to the point. Bridesmaids dresses used to be my worst nightmare (next to shattering yet another iPhone) until Leanne-imal and Kenley proved me wrong with their gorgeous designs. I won’t be getting married anytime soon (most of my men don’t last through breakfast), but I want Kenley’s dress at my wedding. I want it, I want it, I want it! It was so. damn. cute.

Unlike that crap that Jerrel and Korto marched down the runway. And that made me sad. Really sad, because Korto has been my favorite the entire season and OH MY GOD! SHE IS GONNA GET SENT HOME. THAT DRESS LOOKS LIKE POO. PLEASE DON’T SEND HER HOME. I HAVE MONEY RIDING ON THIS.

SHE HAS TO WIN. [Excerpted from my notes from the episode.]

But she doesn’t get sent home; Jerrel’s hot mess of a wedding dress is too much for the judges (and any bride who doesn’t want to look like a pile of dirty garbage on her wedding day) and he is sent packin’. Don’t feel too bad for him, though; he still got to show at Fashion Week (a little TV trick), so I’m sure he’s A-OK.

And tonight it seems the pressure has finally gotten to Jerell. The dude hit the crazy wall and kept on running. I mean he was talking to fruit and syrup. And he wore a shirt so low that I kept seeing his nips. And that straw hat? What is with him and the hats? Is he channeling Justin Bobby?

But Jerell isn’t the only one goin’ batsh*t insane; it seems that I may be going crazy myself. For a brief moment I actually felt bad for Kenley. No, not because she left her tulle or because her dress looked like something that was more appropriate for the Drag Challenge; I felt bad cuz the girl is an outsider (and I always feel bad for outsiders!).

The poor girl grew up on a tugboat. It’s not her fault she’s a disrespectful and arrogant bitch; whom has she ever interacted with besides a bunch of seamen?

But don’t worry; as soon as that biatch started talkin’ sh*t about the other designers I turned off my feelings and moved on. She sucks and I couldn’t wait to see what the judges thought of her scaley stripper dress.

The challenge on tonight’s episode was to take inspiration from some flowers in the NY Botanical Garden and make a gown. It seemed easy enough, but everyone seemed to jack it up on the runway.

But while the dresses were meh (besides Jerell’s – his was pretty fab) the drama was THE BOMB. I couldn’t tell if they were in a boxing ring or on a runway. It was that good. First Kenley gets criticized (as she damn well should of with that monstrosity), to which she tries to put Heidi in her place. And what happens? A good ol’ verbal bitch slap courtesy of Nina Garcia, that’s what. Then, in one of the most cliché moves in reality TV, the judges asked everyone who they would take to Fashion Week.

And everyone left Kenley back in 1955.

Awwww daaaaaamn.

Sucks to be Kenley. Too bad the judges didn’t really listen to anyone and let all the designers go home to prep for the main event. Which is good, I guess, because my home girl Korto was also on the chopping block for her orange pageant dress and I totes have her pegged as the season winner.

And I guess I do sorta wanna see what kinda mess Kenley brings back to NY for the finale, because, unlike everyone else in the world, I haven’t peeked at the pics yet!

Can’t wait for next week. Go Korto, go!

What I should have been asking myself was “which company bought their way into an episode this week?”

The challenge was to take parts and materials from a Saturn Vue Hybrid and make something innovative from them. Because taking car parts and designing an outfit makes a great designer. I am sure Michael Kors learned how to do just that before he hit it big.

The designers went to town filling baskets with all of the materials. Tim reminded them to be extra innovative, which many ignored as they all attempted to use seatbelts in their designs (much like the tablecloth fiasco of episode 1).

Everyone heads back to the workroom where Keith – stressed by his poor performance…the entire season – breaks out the ‘tude. Not only is he rude to the other designers (yelling at them about the sewing machine) and to his model (basically calling her dumb even though it is his shoddy construction that causes the problems), but he talked back to he judges.

Aw HEEEELLL no.

Keith, Keith, Keith – I know you are hurting, but you never talk back to Michael Kors. What are you thinking? That man is powerful and could totally get a herd of stay-at-home mothers to kill you. I know it hurts to be criticized (it happens to me all the time), but you lied to the judges. The split in the back of your dress was not because the model sat down, but because that is how you created it. Stop being such a whiny dude and just accept the fact that you aren’t as good a designer as you think you are.

Also, take a chill pill. Fo real.

The rest of the runway was very interesting. Leanne, who I normally find completely boring (and who always sounds and looks stoned) made a beautiful dress. Korto – my favorite to win – made a ridiculously gorgeous jacket that I would totally wear if I knew someone who could make me a jacket from seatbelts. And Joe made some hot biker mess that was only safe because there were hotter messes on the runway.

With the aid of Rachel Zoe (who just so happens to have a show premiering on Bravo…what a coincidence!) and Laura Bennett (the old lady designer from 2 seasons ago), Leanne was named the winner. Which was totally deserved. And Keith was sent home, which surprises no one at all. Kind of like how Stella has a boyfriend named Ratbones.

Seriously – at first I was like, “Ratbones? Really?” But then it sorta made sense. I mean, why wouldn’t she be in love with someone named Ratbones?