Unfortunately, your favorite pizza/ burrito/ burger/ neighborhood CVS closed 30 minutes ago and you are left to fend for yourself. Right. Because you could barely get your key in the front door, let alone boil water for some mac and cheese. (Mmmmm mac and cheeeeeese.)

Even a frozen pizza is much too difficult to figure out right now. Turn on an oven? To 350? Then wait 30 minutes? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Lucky for you, the food industry has been busy creating products for people on the go, which also happen to work quite well for people who are too-drunk-to-function. Yes, that would be you. Just stock up on any and all of these little guys and you are good to go when the Beer Pong tourny is over and you can’t remember your name (or how you made it home with one shoe and a missing bra…):

Uncrustables:

Because making a peanut and butter jelly sandwich requires you to find bread, find peanut butter, find jelly, and then use a sharp object. Uncrustables simply requires you to open your freezer. Done and done. Peanut butter and jelly bliss.

Peanut Butter Slices:

If frozen PB&J isn’t your thang, maybe a slice of peanut butter is better. Easy to slap between two pieces of bread? Absolutely. Gross? Totally. Not quite as gross when you are drunk and just need something to soak up all that Jaeger? Yes please!

Mac and Cheese Crackers:

Back in my day we had to pour water into a bowl with noodles and microwave it for 2 minutes if we wanted some late night Mac and Cheese. Oh the horror! Not anymore, people. Now if you are craving a cheesy post-bar delicacy, all you need to do is open a box. These crackers taste just like the real thing without all that pesky work. No measuring. No cooking. No waiting.

Bagelfuls:

Just like its cousin, the PB&J sandwich, the bagel and cream cheese is just really hard to master after hours of deblitating debauchery. Ever tried to cut a bagel sober? Yeah, hard enough. Thank you, Kraft! You took the work right out of this so drunk kids everywhere could carb up without fear of losing any fingers.

Cereal and Milk Bars:

Because we all love a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch after the bar, but can’t quite get the milk into the bowl/not all over the floor. Thankfully, General Mills fixed that problem by putting milk and cereal together into one delicious late night bar.

Now if only we could get some pre-packaged Vodka Tonics.

I am not above admitting that Easy Mac is sometimes necessary. After all, if you truly have only ten minutes with which to make and eat dinner, it’s better to eat Easy Mac than nothing at all. But if you have even five more spare minutes, you can make something tastier, healthier, and all-around better.

That’s right—I’m talking about homemade mac and cheese.

It doesn’t get any easier than this, folks:

INGREDIENTS

• cheese of your choice (I like a mix of cheddar and parmesan)

• milk

• flour

• pasta (any kind words, but elbow macaroni is nice for nostalgia’s sake)

1.    Boil the pasta until it’s done. Drain. (Time: 10-12 minutes.)

2.    While the pasta is boiling, mix together ½ cup of milk and 1 tablespoon of flour for each serving of mac and cheese. (Time: 1 minute.)

3.    Put the pasta in a bowl or back in the pot. Stir in the milk-flour mixture, and cook on low heat until bubbly. (Time: 1 minute.)

4.    Turn off the heat, and stir in the cheese. (Time: 30 seconds.)

5.    Eat.

That’s it! Fast, easy, delicious—I don’t ever want to hear any more excuses for eating something that looks nuclear when you can make this instead.

[photo from i.timeinc.net]

a) The 100-calorie packs are often more than twice as expensive per ounce as the products they mimic.

b) In meeting the 100-calorie limit, the snacks or sweets inside the packs are sometimes pale imitations of the originals. The 100-calorie Oreos, for example, are 20 mini “chocolate thin crisps.”

c) Smaller portions don’t make snacks good for you, especially when they are as highly-processed as 100-Cal Packs.

Still, as Americans, we have issues with self-control. I can go through a box of Cheez-Its in three days and think nothing of it, until I look at the box and realize I averaged about 5 servings of Cheez-Its a day. So, when a small package helps me know when to stop, I dig it. I do agree with above comment on the 100-calorie Oreos: these are a waste of money. So, friends, what follows is a list of my top five picks. All of these are so tasty, I thank my lucky stars that they are measured out for me in 100 calorie intervals.

1. Mr. Salty Chocolate Covered Pretzels.

I hadn’t eaten a chocolate covered pretzel in years, until I found these things. Classic salty pretzels dipped in milk chocolate. Yum! These snacks satisfy my chocolate cravings and only pack 3.5 grams of fat into the 100-calorie serving.

2. Frito Lay Baked! Cheetos.

At first, I tried the regular 100-cal pack of Cheetos. The day I discovered the baked version, I think unicorns fell from the sky. Baked Cheetos are a snack that I don’t allow myself to buy big bags of, because I will eat a whole bag in one sitting. Since I actually prefer Baked Cheetos to the regular brand anyway, I have since become addicted to the 100-cal bags, which only have 5 grams of fat content. I’m actually quite impressed with the entire Frito-Lay line of 100-cal packs, which also includes Sun Chips, Doritos, and Smartfood Popcorn.

3. Klondike Slim-a-Bear Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Cold, creamy Klondike ice cream sandwiched with chocolate, available in chocolate and vanilla flavors…and only 1.5 grams of fat. The only thing better would be if Ben and Jerry started marketing 100-calorie cartons of Cherry Garcia (of course, this will never happen, because 100 calories of B & J is probably equivalent to half a teaspoon). Also worth checking out are Breyers’ 100-calorie Double-Churned Ice cream Cups and Ice Cream Sandwiches.

4. Hostess Cupcakes.

These were my first foray into the 100-calorie world, and it blew my mind when I realized that each pack consists of 3 mini cupcakes. They come in several flavors, e.g. yellow cake, chocolate cake, etc., and even with the signature cream filling, each pack is only 3 grams of fat. How each mini cupcake can consist of about 33 calories and one gram of fat and taste just as good as the real thing, I have no clue.

5. Hershey’s Snacksters.

I’m including both varieties of these packs in the last slot for my five fave 100-cal packs, because they are very similar, but produce two different craving-killing tastes.

The chocolate Hershey’s Snacksters are made up of cereal puffs, chocolate chip cookies, and semi-sweet and milk chocolate chips; the Reese’s Pieces version includes cereal puffs, cereal squares, peanut butter chips, and Reese’s Pieces. I expected a trail-mix-like recipe for these packs because, let’s be serious, there’s no way an all-chocolate-and-peanut-butter snack can stay under the 100-calorie limit and at 4 grams of fat. But the cereal puffs are either chocolate or peanut butter, and the chocolate or peanut butter chips are a pleasant surprise in addition to the real seller: the cookies or Reese’s pieces. The cereal bits also help fill you up, and you’ll feel indulged without feeling like a beached whale.

[Photo courtesy of junkfoodnews.net]

A recent issue of Shape magazine suggested eating vegetarian once a week, and I was like, “Heyyy I already do that! I rock!” They also featured a mouthwatering recipe for vegetarian paella. That’s not going to happen. So, whether you’re a carnivore or a herbivore, trying to shave some calories from your diet, or too busy to slave over a hot stove, I give you vegetarian meals in five minutes or less. All you need is a microwave.

1. Boca Meatless Chili

You need:

–Boca Meatless Chili, from the freezer section of your grocery store.

–2 slices of whole wheat bread

*Zap the chili for three minutes, stir, and nuke for one more minute.

*While the chili is in the microwave, pop the whole wheat bread in the toaster.

*Cut the whole wheat toast in quarters, top with tasty chili, and enjoy!

The vegetarian chili is spicy enough to satisfy your taste buds, and for you South Beach Dieters out there, it works for phases 2 and 3. Plus, it packs 20 grams of protein for extra energy. One package is only ONE measly gram of fat and 150 calories, so even with the whole wheat toast, you’re looking at 3-5 grams of fat and just over 300 calories for a totally satisfying meal.

2. Garden Burger Buffalo Wrap

You need:

–One Garden Burger brand veggie patty, from the freezer section

–A low-carb tortilla wrap (I recommend a wheat or spinach flavor)

–One slice Kraft 2% milk Colby-Jack cheese

–Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Wing Sauce

–Lettuce and tomato

*Throw the Garden Burger in the microwave for 30-35 seconds on each side. I usually top the patty with cheese when there’s about 15 seconds left to cook so it gets all melty and delicious.

*Pour a thin line of Red Hot sauce down the center of your tortilla.

*Slice the Garden Burger and cheese into strips and arrange it evenly on the tortilla so you’ll be able to roll it up.

*Top with lettuce and tomato, wrap it up, and prepare yourself for some fiery goodness.

Personally, I am obsessed with Garden Burgers, but other brands, such as Boca and Morningstar Farms also make pretty good vegetarian burgers. The Garden Burger brand packs only 100 calories and 3.5 grams of fat. The cool Colby-Jack cheese (5 grams fat, 50 calories) pairs well with Frank’s spicy sauce, which won’t add fat or calories to the sandwich. Bonus: spicy foods rev your metabolism!

3. Steamed Vegetable Plate

You need:

–One Dole Vegetables Microwave-Ready Bag, from the produce section

–Kraft 2% milk shredded mozzarella cheese

–Bertolli Vodka Sauce

*Pierce holes in the bag of veggies, and microwave for 3-5 minutes.

*While the veggies are “steaming,” heat the vodka sauce on the stove (Okay, I know I said you only need a microwave. If you don’t have a stove, you can heat the sauce in the micro while the veggies are cooling).

*Mix vegetables and sauce together, and sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top. The hot vegetables will melt the cheese.

Since discovering these handy steam-in-a-microwave packs, I’ve cut a LOT of pasta out of my life, which also happens to cut carbs. The vodka sauce is a bit higher in fat than I usually cook with (10 grams of fat for half a cup), but it’s an indulgence I’m willing to allow. The melted mozz is a great finish. For a lower-fat option, use regular marinara sauce.

There are plenty of meat-free products out there that are tasty, convenient, and healthy, so play around with your cooking, er, microwaving. Boca Chik’N patties also make for a mean sandwich, and if you find yourself a fan of Garden Burgers, you can sub them for meat in just about any recipe– I like to top salads with meatless patties, on occasion.

Plus, get your friends on the vegetarian bandwagon by making Boca Meatless Chili nachos, with Baked! Tostitos and Kraft 2% milk Mexican Cheese blend. Congratulate yourself on cutting calories by drinking an ice cold, calorie-packed margarita!

This bacon, egg, and cheese muffin may seem like a standard breakfast item, but tastier than a McDonald’s meal with half the calories!

Now on with the deliciousness!

Here are the ingredients for one muffin:

2 eggs

2 sliced Canadian bacon

2 slices processed American cheese (I recommend Kraft)

1 English muffin, split and toasted

1 tablespoon cream cheese, softened

Prep time is only about five minutes, which is perfect for a hungry girl on the go. To start off, bring 2-3 inches of water to boil in a saucepan or skillet with high sides. Reduce heat; simmer gently.

Break cold eggs, one at a time, in a saucer. Holding the dish close to the surface of the water, slip eggs, one at a time, into the water. Careful not to scald yourself! Cook, uncovered, until whites are completely set and yolks begin to thicken, only about three minutes.

Meanwhile, spread cream cheese over muffin halves and then top with cheese slices. In a small skillet, cook Canadian bacon until heated through; place over cheese. To finish, use a slotted spoon and place eggs over bacon. Now wait for it to cool off before you enjoy. Now…go! You will be set for your long and busy schedule.

[Photo. www.Allrecipes.com]

INGREDIENTS

* 14 ounces caramels

* 1/2 cup evaporated milk

* 1 package German chocolate cake mix

* 1/3 cup evaporated milk

* 3/4 cup butter, melted

* 1/4 cup chopped pecans

* 2 cups milk chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS

1. Peel caramels and place them all in a microwave-safe bowl. Stir in 1/2 cup evaporated milk. Heat and mix until all caramels are melted.

2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. While that’s happening, grease a 9×13 inch pan.

3. In a large mixing bowl, mix together your cake mix, 1/3 cup evaporated milk, the melted butter, and chopped pecans. Place 1/2 of the batter in greased baking pan.

4. Bake for 8 minutes.

5. Place the remaining batter into the fridge. Remove brownies from oven and sprinkle chocolate chips on top. Drizzle caramel sauce over chocolate chips. Remove brownie mix from refrigerator. Using a teaspoon, make small balls with the batter and smash flat. Very carefully, place on top of the Carmel sauce until the top is completely covered.

6. Bake for an additional 20 minutes. Remove and let cool.

*Note: In some stores you can find Kraft caramel bits which takes away the tedious task of unwrapping all the caramels.

[photo from the yummy www.ghirardelli.com]