If you needed another reason not to have sex with animals…

Someone needs to call the ASPCA on Selena Gomez

Got a noisy sex problem?

It was only a matter of time before Lifetime went there

Leighton Meester is a runaway bride

3 Reasons to keep your panties on

Yum, do me.

Snag Kristin Cavallari’s look for less

How to apply false eyelashes

In the Greatest Debate of our Time — Team LC vs. Team Kristin –  I was very firmly Team LC. I found Kristin to be beyond obnoxious — so brash, dramatic, tacky, and over-the-top. LC was someone I actually wanted to know; Kristin reminded me of too many girls I did know. Because LC was so low-key and chill, she didn’t make for terribly exciting TV, so everyone called Kristin the “breakout star” of Laguna Beach…and we see how that turned out. LC is a New York Times bestselling author and has a successful clothing line…and Kristin is on Dancing With The Stars (ABC’s definition of “star” is getting looser and looser, isn’t it?). That said, there must be something in the DWTS water because lately Kristin has been spotted looking pretty gorge and sexy. (Still Team LC all the way though.)

Today marks the 140th birthday of our good and loyal friend, Vaseline.  Here is to all of those good times we’ve had when we’ve needed you most. I keep you by my bed, in my bag, and in the car. I pick you up, dip my finger in your gooey residue and primp and prime to my utmost pleasure. You’re cheap, you’re handy, and you’re my BFF.

Cheers.

Seriously, after finding out it was Vaseline’s 140th birthday today, I went to find my own container and rubbed that shiz all over my elbows in celebration. This stuff is the best and, like any cheap vodka, it’s a college girl’s BFF.

Why, you ask?  Let us list the ways.

1. It makes your eyelashes grow: As long as you aren’t shacking up with the cutie you’ve been studying with, lather Vaseline all over your purty eyelashes overnight and watch them thicken and grow like a Chia pet come morning!

2. To Soften your weines [pronounced: wee*niss]: Vaseline is a great pick-me-up for dry elbows.

3. To Pimp out your cuticles: Store a mini-Vaseline container in your purse and utilize for emergency dry cuticle moments. And if you just really want an excuse to not take notes in lecture.

4. For kissable, luscious lips: Fall is a beast for drying out summary, dewy lips. Vaseline is there for you and your irresistible pout. Muah! P.S. You can mix Vaseline with Kool-Aid powder and make a colored (and flavored) lip gloss.

5. To Help your scent stick: Softly rub Vaseline all over your perfume points (i.e. the cleav, behind the ear, neck, wrist) and your scent will last longer!

6. Take it from JWWOW: It is a misconception that Vaseline clogs pores, so smear it all over your face, neck and arms whenever some bitch gets up in your shiz. Let’s see her try to grab hold of you now!

7. Say See Ya Never, Lipstick Smudges: Spread a little Vaseline over your teeth and lipstick smudges be gone!

8. For a moonlight massage with your man: Umm, hellooo. Vaseline is slippery. It ain’t no mint scent Aveda lotion, but it’s cheap and gets the job done after a long day trucking that North Face backpack from the library and back. Warm it up for an extra soothing effect. Saucy.

9.To remove last nights battlefield makeup: Apply some to a Q-tip and have a hay day.

10. Perfect for an eyeshadow/blush boost: Apply some under your eye shadow for a glossy affect. Apply on the apples of your cheeks for a dewy glow. Mix with lipstick for a cream blusher!

11. Lube: Whether you need it to get your friend’s engagement ring off your finger, or you want to ‘get it on’, Vaseline has you covered. And slippery.

12. It eases eyebrow plucking: Tame your eyebrows and lube up the under-skin so you can pluck with ease.

13. Prevent hair dye from seeping onto your forehead: Softly dab all over your hairline and keep that box hair dye from dying your forehead orange/brown/black/purple (we don’t judge).

14. To make your accessories look brand spankin’ new: New job interview? Scuff the crap-ol-la out of your patent leather heals thanks to pitcher night? Put a small dab on your shoes and shine away!

15. Hide Split Ends: Haven’t had a haircut since your mother made you go to Great Clips for a quickie? Hide damaged ends with the ‘V’ (what I’m now calling it).

16. Remove those stains on your clothes: And by stains, I mean makeup stains, sillies!

17. To Prevent spray-tan streaks: Rub all over the backs of your knees, ankles and hands to prevent seriously frightening spray tan lines. (You listening, Snooks?!)

18. To heal a new tat: No, Vaseline won’t undo that lame ass “I-have-star-tattoos-on-my-feet” situation a la Kristin Cavallari, but it can help the wound heal a little bit faster.

19. To get those O.P.I. nail polish bottles open: Is it just me or do I always try to get those babies open after I shower. Make it easier for next time and rub Vaseline under the cap. Then go ahead and do a D.I.Y manicure.

20. It’s your new exfoliating body wash: Mix with sea salt and come out of the shower feeling like Zac Efron’s face. Soft. And sexy.

Is it just me, or after reading this article, do your lips feel dry? Now go give your Vaseline some well deserved attention.

Cee-lo gets a (hilarious) radio edit.

10 signs you’re o-v-e-r your ex.

Kristin Cavallari has a new boy toy.

Mango hits JC Penney. And we want it all.

The Spice Girls get a musical. Sorta.

Love is a beautiful thing.

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?!

Lo Celebrates her One Year Anniversary
And toasts her adorable BF with a shot. God, I love that girl. And I love that boy. They are so cute together and their post-date snuggle sesh officially goes down as the cutest moment in Hills history. We haven’t seen adorableness like that since Brody came out of Kristin’s room in her crop top LC and Justin cuddled up on the porch of their Malibu beach house after she skipped Paris to spend the summer with him. Let’s just hope Lo’s man doesn’t start doing drugs and punching bouncers outside of bars.

Frankie Falls off a Bike
Homeboy needs some training wheels.

Kristin Professes her Love for Brody and Gets Shot Down
Sigh. This whole thing makes me want to scream. Much like the Vienna/Jake interview, I wasn’t sure who I wanted to punch more in this little scenario. We’ve got Kristin who plays games with Brody for two years and pretends she wants nothing more than a little boom boom when everyone (except Brody, apparently) knows that’s not the case. And then we’ve got Brody who pretended to not know that Kristin wanted more than boom boom just so he could get some for two years while he waits for another Playboy bunny (or Avril Lavigne??) to come along. Seriously, dude? That’s the pussiest move I’ve ever seen. I know Brody isn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer, but he does know his way around a lady and he definitely knew what he was doing. He can blame this entire thing on poor KK (“It’s too late”), and she deserves some of the blame for never speaking up, but he knew exactly what he was doing and is a super selfish prick for messing with one of his friends.

Hm. I guess I do know who I want to punch more. Watch your back, Brody…. and Jake Pavelka!

Whew. Just recapping that episode wiped me out. Good thing I have a week to recover before the giant series finale. Will LC come back? Will Heidi come out of hiding? Will she have even bigger boobs? Will Justin Bobby propose to Audrina? Will Brody chase Kristin as she (fake) leaves LA? Will we finally learn how Stacie knows Kristin? Will Ryan Cabrera make a cameo in jorts?

It’s gonna be an hour so anything’s possible! OMG I can’t wait.

Jelly shoes are one thing, but jelly BOOTS?!

Brody Jenner and Kristin just don’t do it.

Are Brad and Angie gonna tie the knot?

What can hipsters wear in the summer?

Why you should stay Facebook friends with your ex.

Wonder Woman gets a MAJOR makeover.

"You're so funny, Will. And cute. Did you hear that, BRODY?!"

Have you ever tried eating animal crackers while watching The Hills? I have…out of a Costco basin…. and those little guys are so crunchy I couldn’t hear a thing. I can’t tell you how many times I had to rewind the show so I didn’t miss anything important. Which, as it turns out, was a total waste of time once I actually listened to what was going on:

“Justin just grabbed my ass. Both cheeks.” – Audrina

“Brody was so mean last night.” – Stacey
“Who does he think he is?” – Kristin
“He’s such a jerk” – Stacey
“I know.” – Kristin

“Whatever it is it is; whatever it will be it will be.” – Faux-losipher Justin

But the monumental 100^th episode of The Hills wasn’t all dumb comments mumbled by pretty people/me thinking about the 50+ hours I’ve wasted in my life watching this show. Things actually happened! Frankie wore a Speedo and Aquasocks! Audrina wore an itsy, bitsy bikini on a surf board! Stephanie Pratt was slightly hilarious!

The biggest thing to do down last night was, of course, the dramz between Kristin and Brody. After two seasons of listening to this girl talk about how she doesn’t want a relationship, she likes doing things casually, she’s not a girly girl, blahhhhhh, home girl finally opened up. Sure it took packing up an LV suitcase, getting on a (shady looking) prop plane, flying to Costa Rica and getting wasted in a bikini on top of a bar, but Kristin finally admitted what we all already knew: she’s in love with the Brode-man.

And if that little scene in the pool with Taylor wasn’t desperate enough, Kristin got a one way ticket to Pathetic-ville and started hitting on the overly enthusiastic and totally dweeby hotel bartender with the lip piercing just to make Brody jealous.  I’d like to think Brody totally saw through this little charade (mostly because I’m in love with that kid – even if he wears beanies in the middle of a tropical rainforest – and I hope he’s not that dumb that he wouldn’t see the signs), but who knows? His longing stares and sad, puppy dog eyes did seem to dominate the camera time for most of the episode as Kristin was off with Will laughing a little too loud, throwing her head back a little too hard, and making really sloppy kissy sounds on the beach.

And speaking of sloppy kissy sounds…
OK, actually, that’s a terrible transition but I didn’t really know how to move on to Audrina and Justin Bobby so just roll with it.

JB obviously spent his time in Costa Rica trying to get back in Audrina’s pants. The moment he pinched her ass, I thought for sure she was going to cave and give him a little jungle lovin’. (I was also really jealous that her ass is that small that the guy can grab both cheeks at once and promptly put down the animal crackers.) But she didn’t! In fact, the only thing Audrina gave JB was a heaping spoonful of ‘tude.

“Would you come back here again?”
“Not with you.”

Buuurn. Way to stay strong, Audrina! I know I give this girl a lot of sh*t, but I was really proud of her for finally standing up for herself and realizing that Justin Bobby is nothing more than a pretty body with some unfortunate tattoos. Granted, she’ll probably hook up with him during the 101st episode, but for now, I gotta give her mad props.

And now it’s time to start counting down to next week. I can’t be sure (mostly because my DVR cut off midway through the preview), but I have a feeling we’re gonna be getting Heidi and Spencer back and I couldn’t be more excited. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss those asshats.

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach.

But I also know that Kristin and JB were a huge point of drama last season and now everyone’s acting as if it never happened. And it did. KK can’t be all buddy buddy with Audrina now and talk to her about her relationship with Justin (much like she can’t pull off that Gucci bathing suit she was sportin’….) after she shoved him in Audrina’s face last year. And why isn’t it awkward city between the two of them? Huh?

Whew. It feels good to get that all off my chest. So therapeutic…

Now I can get to the real “meat” of the show. Which, oh wait, is pretty much all about Justin Bobby. There was a little something in there with Allie and Mckaela, but even thinking about that storyline puts me in a coma. And there was also a giant, nappy weave on Kristin’s head at the Nylon party but thinking of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, and Steph had a date and told him what he probably already discovered on Google. So let’s just focus on the good stuff.

Like when Justin showed up at Les Deux. (BTW, how great is it that they’re going back there again? It’s like the Peach Pit of The Hills and they’re really bringing this show full circle by returning to their stomping grounds from LC’s first months in L.A.). So Justin rolls in, shakes Audrina’s hand and then expresses his Ryan Cabrera disdain to Brody:

“That girl deserves the world.”  Apparently in Justin Bobby land, “the world” is a guy currently sporting a bouffant who burps on dates, cheats on her, and lies to her face for three years.

“He’s a rock and roller, dude. Women will be around.” Uh, not to be nit picky, Justin, but trust me on this one: no he’s not and no they won’t.

I mean, did you see the kid performing? Audrina did. And she cried. At first I thought maybe it was because she had just cheated on him with Justin Bobby (Why else would she show up late with a messy ponytail on top of her head??) and felt all guilty when she saw how sweet and innocent he was, but then I realized it was probably because her boyfriend was singing a 2003 MTV hit in a pair of white skinny jeans to a “crowd” of 1,000 people.

Girl, I’d cry too. And I’d probably put an end to things as well. She’s got a reputation to keep (not to mention ratings to maintain) and everyone knows Ryan is killing it for her. He’s a nice guy, yes, but Audrina doesn’t like the nice guy. She likes the faux-philosophical, greasy, smelly, jerky guy. And unfortunately for Ryan Cabrera and the career he was hoping to save by getting on this show, that guy just rolled back into town. On his bad-ass motorcycle. That doesn’t even have a seat.

Let’s see if Cabrera can do that….without getting his white skinnies dirty.
Till next week, peeps!

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor.

I may hate Kristin and her perfect wardrobe, but I really felt for her in that moment when she realized that she’d lost and Brody had won. When she knew that while he was at home canoodling with Mckaela (ugh, it’s even worse when the girl spells her name like that), Kristin was going home alone. Poor girl; she wasted a perfectly good outfit and about 150 calories, and the night was a major bust.

Thank god she’s got her personal trainer to vent to in the morning.

Meanwhile, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina put on their finest rocker gear and hit up some music showcase for Audrina’s fake job. And – surprise! – Justin Bobby’s band was playing. There was a lot of “should we stay or should we go,” but Audrina couldn’t look away from sweaty JB rockin’ out on the drums. And I couldn’t either; it was like a trainwreck. He looked so scary with him mouth all open and sh*t. Anyway, somewhere between the “ED STANLEY!” cheers from the crowd and Justin tearing off all his clothes, Lo warned Audrina to tell Ryan Cabrera (who, by the way, is getting more and more annoying by the minute) that they ran into him. Honestly, the way Lo made it out, you’d think Audrina got naked and humped JB on the drum set. Is it really that big of a deal that she happened to see his band play? Is that cheating in Ryan’s book?

And more importantly, what sort of “tour” is Ryan Cabrera going on, anyway? Has that kid made any music since his Ashlee Simpson days?

But I digress. Audrina doesn’t tell Ryan about her Justin Bobby interlude and then gets cozy with him at the club. (I smell scandal! Or maybe Justin Bobby farted?) It’s fine, though. What Ryan doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? I mean, it’s not like Audrina has cameras following her around or that this exact moment will be shown on MTV 12 times a day for the next 3 months. Her secret is totally safe.

Personally, though, I’m hoping he does find out. That kid is far too happy/chipper/talks like the guy from Blue’s Clues and I really want to see what he looks like mad. Plus, without Speidi (or even drunk Holly), the show just isn’t as fun to watch anymore. Bring on the drama!

OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch.

But I guess it wasn’t a total loss of 30 minutes. We did get to see Stephanie Pratt’s impressive wardrobe (that sh*t couldn’t all fit into her walk-in closet!) and watch her have a mild meltdown about ordering a Coke on a first date. Seriously, she made it seem like she was going to order actual coke and use her straw to do lines off of Lo’s bare stomach on the table. Is it really that big of a deal to be sober on a first date, girl? It’s not like this kid doesn’t have the Internet; he clearly knows about your DUI. Hell, my MOM knows about your DUI. I think the bigger issue here is that you don’t know what lacrosse is. And, obvi, who your brother is.

But none of that mattered. Homeboy offered Steph his jacket, took her digits and asked her out on a second date. At least someone is having some luck with love around here, because things are not going well for Kristin. Of course, that’s what happens when you lie to the guy you’re sleeping with and try to pretend you’re totally OK with doin’ it casually and letting him borrow your crop top. Everyone knew that was all bullsh*t (I’m sure both Steph’s date AND my mom knew that was bullsh*t), but Kristin really tried to convince the world she was totes happy living the single life. Which is way more difficult now that she went cray cray on the Brode-man, told him to shut up, then stormed out of his house.

Way to keep it together, KC. This just proves (once again) that FWB doesn’t work, that someone always has more feelings than someone else and that Kristin is just another annoying girly girl.

$20 says she goes home and does drugs. I mean, her legs were looking really skinny last night….