Angelina Jolie the Barbie

Speaking of dolls (caution: WEIRD)

LC Drinks it, so should you

Freakiest mom ever?

Locklear’s arrest a setup!

THE Viral Video

Britney accidentally admits her VMA awards were staged

What you need to be one of Hef’s bodacious babes

Teenybopper dream job: have sex with a Jonas Bro

The Princess Diary’s assests…

Gossip Guys on the Gay rumors

Kurt Cobain: in blunt form

Daniel Craig, your title sucks

Aw, Leo wants little leos!

Admit it. I’m sure most of you have met THIS guy at a party. He’s not exactly attractive (or is downright HAGGARD) and you don’t bother giving him the time of day, let alone a conversation. Then all of sudden, he picks up a guitar and it’s like a halo appears over his head.

His tangled beard is no longer gross, now it’s “rugged.” His dirty sneakers don’t reek anymore, now they’re “vintage.” It’s like there is some secret blinders installed in every single guitar on the planet that are ignited the second the boy starts strumming. And, speaking from experience, it becomes even worse when they play one of “your songs.” Unexpectedly, the ugly boy has become a guitar god in your eyes and you are smitten.

Sadly, this phenomenon isn’t exclusive to us mere mortals. It’s carried over into the world of celebrity, granting horrible to mediocre-looking fellows a chance to shine too. In fact, without their guitars, it’s doubtful whether these five men would have had a career at all because, god knows, they don’t have the looks to carry them through Hollywood.

1. Kurt Cobain

I know, I know. Let him rest in peace already. I am a HUGE Nirvana fan and, yes, I may find him sexy. But seriously, take another look at the dude! He’s about 5′5, his hair always looks like he rubbed Crisco through it, and he really wasn’t any good at hiding the whole drug-addict thing. His face is sallow and sunken in and he is emaciated! His clothes were always multiple sizes too big and full of moth holes and stains. Admit it, if you passed him on the street, you are more likely to offer him some spare change and direct him to the nearest soup kitchen instead of taking him home to serenade you all night long.

2. Jack White

Last summer I had the opportunity to see a free White Stripes show with only about thirty people there, which gave me an up close and personal view of Jack. And let me tell you, he is no prettier in person. He is absolutely pasty white, giving off the whole “I vant to suck your blood!” vibe. Like, no joking, I’m not sure if this guy has EVER seen the sun. Paired with his jet-black hair, the stark contrast is somewhat overwhelming. Besides that, he just looks like a huge creep. I would expect to see him lurking by playgrounds or slipping girls roofies at a party, not commanding an entire stadium with his guitar riffs.

3. Keith Richards

The senior citizen of the bunch, Keith Richards’ sexiness can only be accredited to his guitar. You may find his inclusion in this list to be strange, but I know lots of girls (myself shamefully included) who find him irresistible. Besides being old enough to be my grandfather, his style choices are not exactly aces. Sporting tight pants, a shiny button-down shirt and usually some odd form of trench coat, he reminds me of a wizard. And then he throws on those ridiculous headbands. With beads.

I mean, come on, anyone who was Johnny Depp’s inspiration for a PIRATE cannot be considered a looker. If it wasn’t for his guitar, he would be someone’s alcoholic grandpa, sitting in the nursing home and no one but his Tuesday night bridge club would give him a second glance.

4. James Blunt

Don’t lie. As soon as you read his name, one of James Blunt’s soulful tunes started playing in your head. Whether it was “You’re Beautiful” or “Goodbye My Lover,” it tugged at your heartstrings. And that is precisely why James Blunt is on this list! Some people consider him dreamy, but seriously, take away that guitar and let’s see what we have left. A slightly pudgy fellow, with greasy brown hair. And NOTHING ELSE.

Okay, we’ll give him the British accent, it definitely adds to the charm, but this one still baffles me. It’s not enough that he dated Petra Nemacova, a MODEL, but apparently the dude is a huge player. Let’s give it up to James Blunt for rising above and conquering booty with only a guitar.

5. Ric Ocasek

Lead singer of The Cars. This one doesn’t even get a write-up; just check out the picture of Ric and then check out his wife. WTF.

Oh, hellooooo, Johnny Depp. I didn’t mean to watch the MTV Movie Awards, but the two times that I accidentally watched, there he was. He banged my eyes stupid.

Kurt Cobain’s ashes were stolen from Courtney Love. Did she stage that so that people would talk about her? Seriously, that’s awful. I miss Kurt and Nirvana.

Fashion

Where are you going Grandma?

Lily Allen, Bambi spewing blood on your dress freaks me out – it is not fashionable.

You need to know that despite what TMZ told you, Jamie Lynn Spears will not raise her child in a barn .

Song of the Week

Still with the “Lollipop“.

Politics

Finally, the dems have a candidate.

Quote of the year

“If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway” I’m gonna say it – I love Star Jones.

The WTF of the week

How the hell do two toolboxes like Heidi and Spencer make millions of dollars? That’s it – I’m never writing about these two ever again. $500 might grow on their tool tree just for me typing this about them. P.S. Heidi, just design your sh*tty clothes because you are never gonna get an Oscar.

Babies

Angelina and Brad’s twin pictures will earn them $15 million. This almost went under WTF of the week for me. It was close.

Jessica Alba’s been pregnant for 3 years, I swear. Poor thing may only earn like $5 mil for HER baby’s first pictures. How sad.

I was spoon-fed Nirvana and multiple other Seattle bands from my older brother during my preteen years. I was just learning what it was to be attracted to a boy then and Kurt Cobain was the first object of my displaced infatuation. His mystique to me was an amalgam of talent, drug use, insanity, humility, and…oh yeah…the fact that he was dead. I focused so much of my hormonal energy on Kurt Cobain that I never looked behind the drum set to scope out that long haired drummer who kind of looked like a horse. Dave Grohl, as far as I was concerned, was just Kurt’s drummer. And I wasn’t the only person who saw it in this stupidly ridiculous way.

Over the years, I’ve grown older and beyond my stage of having crushes on deceased boys. As I’ve become more in tune with the world of music with each day, it’s been hard not to notice something about the former Nirvana member: He never quits. When I found out he was playing with one of my favorite bands, Queens of The Stone Age, a few years back, my interest was aroused. It seems as though between the Foo Fighters, his own metal throwback band Probot, and countless other projects…the man just never stops.

So while perusing the biography section at the library a couple weeks ago, I had to give the Dave Grohl biography a bit of a double take. Sealed together with a black and white cover that gracefully stretches his married and not-so-horse-like-anymore face across it, the book simply called out to me to take a peek. Not only was it an easy read, but I now officially have a new crush.

Why Dave? Well, it’s easy:

–He’s got his sh*t together. He’s organized, a workaholic perhaps, and committed to his dreams.

–He’s a friendly guy! He’s definitely a rockstar; yet from all reports, he’s a sweetheart to everyone who crosses his path.

–When things got hard (aka, singer dying), he kept making music. Resiliency is hot.

Of course I’ll never hold hands while walking down a brick road and sharing an ice cream cone with Dave…BUT, I will profess my new crush on him to the internet. Dave, if you’re reading this, tell Novoselic he’s probably next.

If I could have just had a super crush on a lawyer…or even a football player…maybe everything would be more normal in my love life.

Maybe I wouldn’t find myself waking up on an air mattress in a loft in Williamsburg… pinching myself and then repeating over and over, “He’s an ARTIST, Elizabeth…he’s an ARTIST.”

But I’m an artist, too. Hell, all I do is write everything from books to songs all day. I even paint. And take pictures. And I dance. And I do mosaic. AND I sleep on a REAL bed in a real apartment that has heat and cable and plants that aren’t dead.

And so I sit on the train pondering this question. With every hipster/artsy looking boy I see, I wonder if he too sleeps on an air mattress. Is this a prerequisite for being cool?

Certainly, my artist lovers past….which would be…ugh…all of my lovers past…didn’t all sleep on air mattresses. In fact, I can only think of one other.

And then I realized:

It is a true struggle being an artist. Especially in a big city. It DOES take time to develop yourself and hone your talents so that you can begin to generate money. However, as I look around my romantic circles…and triangles…I notice something: plenty of the guys who I have dated who are artists have real beds. And some of them have multiple houses. And yachts. And while this point is not at all about material things, there is something to be said for an artist who has harnessed their skills well enough to live like a comfortable, regular person. Although their lives are anything but regular, being able to have the perks of a regular, stable life while doing exactly what you love for a living is a marker of success, to me.

And so I won’t be sleeping on the air mattress again.

Not because I am above it.

And not because it’s necessarily uncomfortable.

But because I’m no longer in that place.

I’m in a place where my art is paying for itself and so I need to leave Mr. Air Mattress in Williamsburg Loft to the high school musical theater girls who will feed off of his “independence” like vultures.

Meanwhile, I’ll be out sipping wine with another hot artist boy who CAN afford to drink outside of his loft.

The line between an accomplished artist and a total loser is very fine. And to be fair, almost all artists were once total losers. But if I’m gonna be a sucker for the artsy guy, well, these days…I’m gonna go ahead and be a sucker while sleeping in a warm, REAL bed. Which, if I may note, Kurt Cobain DID eventually have.

Courtney Love is a name culturally synonymous with many things, undoubtedly an icon in her own right she has more than made her mark on the music industry, the tabloid circuit and even invaded the Golden Globes. However Love’s success did not happen overnight or in a Hollywood fairytale. She has no distant Coppola relative nor did she descend from a pop dynasty. She was in fact at war with her label, her drug addiction and her public image all at once. The widow of late legend Kurt Cobain, she has faced a constant unavoidable comparison despite her own professional accomplishments and critical accolades. Her band Hole achieved success in the mid nineties creating an army of 12 year old feminists searching for a viable role model, armed with Hello Kitty backpacks and Emily Strange stickers they are all grown up now. But the question is: Are they still listening?

Love is clean and sober…No really. Gone are the days of throwing compacts at Madonna, falling down in public or getting arrested at her own concert. I know a part of you is disappointed, not ready to part with the novelty, predicting a future misstep or public wardrobe malfunction gracing the cover of US Weekly. But it makes you wonder, are we socially conditioned to want our heroes to fail or have we just lost faith in good old second chances?

America’s Sweetheart was the tongue in cheek title of Love’s first solo album, with little marketing, a small tour and unfinished production, the sales were short of impressive though the album was well received by fans and critics alike. It seemed all too soon for an artist dealing with personal turmoil and financial strain. Suffering from a major relapse, to top it all off she was arrested for accidentally hitting a fan with a microphone stand at a free New York concert. It seemed that for Courtney catching a break just wasn’t possible. Arrested again later that year Love was sentenced to rehab losing custody of her daughter (who she maintains was always well cared for), and sight of her promising career as a musician.

Her rehab facility had no celebrity trapped door leading to the VIP section at Hyde, nor did they let her go on nature walks through Hollywood bars and clubs, believe it or not Love actually rehabilitated. Having gone back and forth from clean to sober, critics may be rolling their eyes which is why she made sure not to walk out empty handed. Her newest album Nobody’s Daughter was originally titled “The Rehab Demos” written entirely within the facility she was sentenced to on producer Linda Perry’s acoustic guitar A fusion of Stevie Nicks, Bob Dylan, and Courtney’s distinctive rasp her newest record has been five years in the making, leaving Hole fans anxious for a triumphant return. Already critically acclaimed it seems that this January Courtney will be getting the second chance she has been hoping for. Judging by the demos and live sets it seems “The Queen Of Noise” is back and this time standing completely on her own. Just as significant as the yell of Courtney Love is her whisper, as she softly speaks in the song Reasons To Be Beautiful: “It is better to rise than fade away”, a spin on Cobain’s lyric implying it was better to burn out, yet another sign that Love has learned from her past and that she ready to take on her future with open arms and more than a few power chords. As far as her comeback goes she will be performing in small venues this summer but the approaching dates have yet to be announced. The world is waiting Courtney, we just hope you meet us there.

For more Courtney info visit: Moonwashed Rose

Or for updates check out her MySpace

Theresa Bennett