Shall we?

I am happy to have missed Lacey’s return. I hated her so much that I carry those stank feelings into the new season. Didn’t they roller derby in the last season? I’m sure. Clearly the objective for each team in the Season Two derby is to protect the baby in the stroller and whichever team incurs the least amount of damage on the plastic doll wins a date.

So blah blah derby and the team with Trantastique, Inna, Aubry and Ice Princess Kristy Joe wins. The first three get a group date with Bret and KJ gets a private date.

I heard that Bret took the first three to a burlesque club where they each had to do sexy dance and I use the term sexy very loosely. I’m sure that Inna rocked it; I don’t know how Aubry measures up. And I know that Trantastique not only got naked, she got in trouble for it. I. Love. This. She-man.

When I tuned in again, KJ is crying in the bathroom and the vultures are calling her fake. They just hate her because she’s the best looking one in the house. I like that Aubry returns from the date and tries to console her. That makes her cool in my eyes.

The next morning, Big John brings a note that informs the girls that TWO are going home that night. Big John’s not looking quite as big as he did last season. I wonder if he gets any side lovin’.

For her date with Bret, KJ decides to do a BBQ at the house, which is nice in theory, but is also the dumbest thing that she could do. The vultures and their VIPness will hover.

And I call it: Daisy and Destiney (with names like these, how has it not come out that these two are strippers?) plot to ruin the date. But then I don’t care because Kristy Joe reveals to Bret that she is still legally MRS. Ice Princess. WHOA. And then The Miss-Needs-to-Start-Wearing-Shirts-Destiney VIP train rolls in. Balls. Bret clearly doesn’t want to be interrupted, especially after KJ dropped the married bomb.

(OH, sidebar: I hate Megan; the sound of her voice makes me want to toss my TV out of the window. Thanks to my friend, Tricia, I’ve learned that Dumbass Megan is a reality show whore. Nice “Beauty and the Geek 2” appearance, which makes me hate her even more.)

I love what when Daisy rolls up to interrupt the date that Bret is onto their VIP game and tells her that he’d like to continue his date. Bret’s worried that KJ isn’t strong enough to handle the hoes and KJ’s ice princess exterior cracks with tears.

While I like Roxy because she’s not skanky and seems cool, especially for taking the highroad and not riding the VIP sabotage train – she should have used the pass. Bret’s not seeing her pretty normal outtakes.

Date ends and Daisy cries half naked to Bret and I can’t figure out how old she is to have had as much plastic surgery as I think that she’s had. I’m worried that Ice Princess Kristy Joe will be the Rodeo of this season. Just not as crazy. Or wrinkled.

Elimination time: all I care about is who is leaving because I can’t guess who it will be. When it’s down to Kristy Joe, Trantastique and Roxy, it’s clear that Roxy is going home. There’s no way that Kristy Joe is actually going home…but my Trantastique! If I’d been in the house, I would have spent a lot of time with Trantastique, quizzing her about what I’m guessing is her amusing life.

And Bret eliminates Trantastique.

I am bereft. Bewildered. Bemused. She never got to have sex wis Bret in zee pool. What will become of her? (Him?)

How does one get eliminated from “Rock of Love” for getting too naked?

I knew that she wouldn’t win, but come on, keep her around for a little while longer. Jessica is boring as all get out – why keep her instead?

Oh and Roxy goes home, too, for not utilizing her VIP pass.

I can’t tell you what happens next time as I can’t hear anything over my sobs.

The stripper turned business woman took some time out of her insane schedule to talk to us at College Candy and had some interesting things to say about life, her plans for the future, and finding a house.

The insanity surrounding the show can break some (Has Rodeo really lost her mind? Heather won’t say…) but this girl seems to have her head on straight on how to fully utilize her reality fame. Here’s what the classiest broad on TV had to say:

College Candy: So what are you doing today?

Heather: Well right now I’m about to take a shower, then I have a big meeting with VH1. I’m meeting up with Brooke Hogan afterwards and she and I are going house shopping in LA together.

CC: Brooke Hogan?? How did you two hookup?

H: Brooke and I met at the Reality Show awards and totally hit it off. She’s a great girl and someone I really enjoy spending time with. She’s looking for a place too.

CC: That’s a whole lot of blonde; any chance it’ll be filmed?

H: I can’t discuss what I’m doing in terms of TV. It’s all very hush hush, but the meeting today with VH1 is to talk about what I’m doing next with them. People all over the internet want to know what’s going on with me so I’m trying to get something going so people can see.

CC: Are you really moving in with Chris Crocker?

H: No, I just threw that out there because I thought it would be funny idea. I was never really that serious about it but the press just ate it up and ran with it.

CC: Are you dating anyone?

H: No not at all. I really felt so exhausted after the whole dating show experience. The thought of putting myself out there is overwhelming. Right now I’m just trying to focus on myself and my career. I led a pretty crazy life before the show dancing in Vegas, so settling down and trying to get my career off the ground is about all I have time for.

CC: You were definitely made out to be the “House Stripper,” yet there were a number of other girls who shared your profession. Did you mind that you became the stripper character?

H: I was a little put off by it. Brandi M. and I danced in the same club for Christ sake. But it is TV and they have to make good characters to make good TV. I think I’m ok because I know where I come from. I was certainly the most educated woman in the house. I have associates’ and a B.A; I worked really hard to get those degrees and went through a lot. Stripping is something I did for a while because its good money and I could do it. It’s not who I am, and I know that. Right now I have all these things set in motion because I’m smart, not because I’m a stripper. I’m writing a book, I have a million projects in the works.

CC: What do you regret most about the show, if anything?

H: I certainly don’t regret doing the show. I loved being on the show, and I love the fans I have from it. I had strong feelings for Bret in the end and I got hurt, but that’s life. I do regret some of the things I said about the other girls. It is a competition, and we were all drunk all the time. The combination of those two things can make you say things you wouldn’t ordinarily say. I’m grateful that everyone realized that and I’m still really close to a lot of the girls from the show.

CC: So you don’t regret getting the tattoo?

H: Not at all! It was a rocking experience and everyone seems to love coming up and taking a look to see if it’s real. People love getting their picture taken with it. It’s like it has its own fame!

CC: Has Rodeo really lost her mind?

H: No comment….(long pause)…no really, no comment.

CC: Who else do you talk to from the show?

H: Brandi C. and Krystia I talk to all the time. Lacey and I hang out sometimes and are in touch. Jes and I have been playing phone tag, but we are doing an appearance together in Florida soon so I’m looking forward to seeing her. Myspace has been the place that I’m able to keep in touch with everyone because I’ve really been so busy.

CC: Did you really leave Bret for dead on the dune buggies?

H: That was another thing that really pissed me off about the show. They made it seem like I didn’t care at all about Bret feeling sick. He was the one who wanted to keep going, and everything having to do with me helping him was edited right out because they needed the “Jes cares, Heather doesn’t” storyline. I also never ever said that I would share him. That was a total fabrication on the part of the editors.

CC: Well Heather thanks so much for talking with us today. Your hair is looking hot by the way.

H: Haha, thank you! Sometimes I feel like I play second fiddle to my hair and my tattoo! I feel like they should get their own show.

CC: It’s a good idea; you should bring that up in the meeting.

Heather ran off to go to her secret meeting at VH1 leaving us with so many burning questions. Is she going to get her own show? Will she be making a comeback a la New York on Rock of Love 2? According to Heather we are just going to have to stay tuned.

Until then we can see Heather all over the internet (she loves her Myspace) and making various appearances around the country.

For those of you who missed the airing, or the hundred replays this week on VH1, I offer you this recap of all that went down on the final episode of my favorite show this year.

The show was hosted by Riki Rachtman. (for those of you who were three when he was famous, Rachtman was the host of Headbanger’s Ball in the 80’s and a close friend of Axl Rose).

Rachtman brought out the “Barbie Twins” first; Kristia and Brandi C. These two are either really stupid, or incredibly good at using their dumb acts to their advantage. The two are living together in Los Angeles and often share the same bed. They like to put their enormous breasts together to think better. This gets Bret “a little turned on.” Apparently everyone on reality TV has a clothing line coming out, and these two are no exception. I’m sure it’s going to do really well. Right?

Then comes a crowd favorite- crazy crazy Rodeo. She still has that really nutty look in her eye and tells Bret that she wants a second chance with him. He tries with all his might to ignore the comment and not make things incredibly awkward. They are, and become even more awkward when Rodeo pulls out her Barbeque sauce and plugs. That’s right Rodeo makes Barbeque sauce and it’s organic to boot. Her sex noises however turned Bret on.

Next, Riki calls down of my personal favorite gals, Sam, and she looks cute as ever. Sam tells Riki and Bret that she was grossed out by Bret’s sex with Lacey and threesomes with the twins. She didn’t know what she expected but she knew she was better than them. So when she left she knew it was right and Bret was not someone she was going to have an intimate mental connection with. Bret says he was turned on by the F-you kiss she gave him.

Lacey time! The crazy self-made villain comes out guns blazing. She’s ready for anything and actually presents herself fairly well. She’s in some sort of production with VH1 to host a rocker show (yes the trust fund baby, so rock and roll). She fully admits to sleeping with Bret which I have to give her props for because at least she’s not evil and a liar. Her and Dallas start to go at it again in regards to animal rights (who cares?!) and Lacey gives Dallas a T-Shirt she made that says “Dallas Loves Michael Vick.” Dallas responds by saying she doesn’t date black men. Can this shit get any better? Heather and Lacey kiss and make up, and decide they both aren’t whores after all. Bret pops a boner.

Heather looks amazing, sporting a faux “Sucks” tattoo under the now infamously permanent “Bret” insignia on the back of her neck. She seems to have transcended the 80’s hair and she looks gorgeous. Being rejected by Bret has done good things for her. She says that she still cares about Bret, and he’ll be in her heart forever and vice versa. Blah blah, Bret says he still wants to f*&^ her.

Jes finally comes out and there is an awkward cheek kiss. They haven’t spoken in six months and she’s clearly pissed off about the way he treated her after the show wrapped. She says flat out he belongs with Heather, and Bret Michaels is too much of a pussy for actually admitting that he could fall in love with Heather.

As cool as Jes is, she did seem too cool for the entire show. Why on earth was she there? I gave her a lot of respect for passing her Rock of Love title onto Heather and the end of the show left us wondering, and wanting to know if Bret and Heather have found each other. I have a sneaking suspicion the answer is no, but that just means in about 6 months the void in my life will be able to be filled with “Rock of Love: 2.”

It was tough, but I made it through the last two days of reality television to provide you, the reader, with some of the highlights of the best television from the weekend. It was difficult, but I swear that a six pack of Corona makes it really entertaining.

Ok, I’m lying I find it completely entertaining without drinking…maybe.

The Hills

The Hills has really impressed me this season. Somehow Lauren Conrad has wormed her way into America’s hearts and suddenly I find myself just rooting for the girl. Last night, though was really spectacular and I found myself wanting to jump through the TV and punch Spencer in the face.

Jason has returned from his little stint in rehab and reconnects with Lauren. We are all a little skeptical of his return but he seems sort of genuine in that Jason way that he wants to be friends with Lauren. She is hesitant as well but is doing the good ex-girlfriend thing and being there for him. They go to dinner and who do they see at the restaurant but Heidi and Spencer.

I have no doubt that MTV whispered sweet nothings about the restaurant in both of their ears, but still it was AMAZING to watch.

Heidi’s head is stuck so far up her ass that she tells Elodie she has no idea what she could have possibly done to offend Lauren, and even goes so far as to say that she was genuine in sending over drinks to the exes the night before. To my great pleasure, Elodie shoots Heidi right down explaining to her that she really is not so innocent. Heidi looks utterly horrified.

And why does Spencer always look completely coked up? Oh yeah, because he probably is.

Rock of Love

Lacey got kicked off! Yay! Let’s dance!

The show began when Bret brought the remaining three girls parents into the house and riot ensued. Jes remained the only girl with any amount of dignity (why she is on this show is still beyond me). Her parents were very relaxed and seemed remarkably ok with the whole situation.

Heather’s parents were a little trashy, but did this surprise anyone? She rides a bull in front of her parents and Bret Micheals gets a hard on.

Lacey’s parents seemed super uptight and uncomfortable with the entire situation. Her dad kind of looks like a child molester, and I’m not gonna lie, they seemed like they had a very close father-daughter relationship. I think Dad was a little bit jealous of Bret and as such confronted him on what he had to offer his lovely Lacey.

Heather gets wicked drunk, and starts cursing Lacey out in front everyone.

Again my friends, amazing television. She starts screaming about the profane things Lacey has done and in classic Lacey style, she attempts to play it cool like Heather is the crazy one.

Finally in the end, Bret just can’t trust Lacey as hot as she might be. In her post-boot interview, she is “just in shock,” and “is unable to express any emotion.” She was able to express emotion before?

The Fashionista Diaries

I missed it last week, so I too was playing catch up. Basically after Jane magazine folded the show focused on Rachel and Andrew trying to get jobs, and they end up at CosmoGIRL! It’s pretty amusing to watch Andrew run around at a teen magazine when he is trying to be all professional and work his way into the design world. Rachel just wants clips, and I can respect that, but she gets distracted at a photo shoot full of attractive men.

Bridget was annoying. That is all.

Laurie is starting to be very likable, and apparently is dressing better or at least to Mandie Erickson’s liking because she didn’t get fired. The Seventh House partner was of course the meanest lady on fashion avenue and WENT OFF on how Laurie’s Gucci mules were so 10 years ago, and vintage may be cool sometimes, but those just needed to stay in the closet.

Yup, this woman is the devil. The thing is she doesn’t even look that put together, or well dressed. So I get very confused. Someone please explain.

Probably the most horrifying part of the entire episode was the appearance of ghost-esque editor in chief of Social Life Magazine, Devorah Rose. She quite seriously explained to Laurie that the “New York Diet” is just being anorexic and a workaholic.

Guess I’m never getting a job at Social Life. Damn.