In the Greatest Debate of our Time — Team LC vs. Team Kristin –  I was very firmly Team LC. I found Kristin to be beyond obnoxious — so brash, dramatic, tacky, and over-the-top. LC was someone I actually wanted to know; Kristin reminded me of too many girls I did know. Because LC was so low-key and chill, she didn’t make for terribly exciting TV, so everyone called Kristin the “breakout star” of Laguna Beach…and we see how that turned out. LC is a New York Times bestselling author and has a successful clothing line…and Kristin is on Dancing With The Stars (ABC’s definition of “star” is getting looser and looser, isn’t it?). That said, there must be something in the DWTS water because lately Kristin has been spotted looking pretty gorge and sexy. (Still Team LC all the way though.)

But there’s one genre in particular that holds a special place in our hearts. That’s right, you guessed it, I’m talking about reality TV. Who needs actors and scripts when reality is just so damn entertaining all on its own? The people we watch, the situations they put themselves in, just can’t compete with figments of the imagination. And love ‘em or hate ‘em, reality shows have altered our lives and pop culture as we know it.

So, since it’s early on a Monday morning and there’s nothing on but the news (boring) and some Proactive infomercial (it’s too early for Avril Lavigne’s skin problems), let’s count down the top ten reality TV shows that changed our lives.

10. The Real Word. What? Do you think I have no sense of history? This is the longest running show on MTV. One of the longest running reality TV shows of all time. It set the standard for hot tubs and co-ed bathrooms and super dramatic fights that often involve throwing things. It’s a classic. It had to be here.

9. Iron Chef America. Or Top Chef. Everyday Italian with Giada De Laurentiis. Or Throw down with Bobby Flay. Basically any show that makes me hungry… while also teaching me what an amuse-bouche is. Or how to reduce cooking wine. Or the beauty of scallops. Seriously, why do I know these things? Oh yeah, TV.

8.  John and Kate Plus Eight Well, this one is not so much the show itself, but more the fact that it brought us the whirlwind that is Kate Irene Gosselin, the woman who just wanted a normal life for her kids. That’s why she let TLC film her as she “mothered them.” It’s why her divorce was scattered across tabloids. And it’s why she appeared on Dancing with the Stars. (Side note: Have you seen that woman’s hair?)  

7. Sixteen and Pregnant. And people wonder why teenage girls are making pregnancy pacts (and why twenty-something girls are making runs to CVS at 10pm to ease their minds after an 8-hour TV marathon).

6. Keeping Up With the Kardashians. When this show first started, I was not a loyal viewer. Who wanted to watch a family pretending like they actually have a reason to be famous? What do they even do? Sex tapes. Celebrity boyfriends. Been there, done that. Then I accidentally on purpose turned on the TV while it was on. I think you know what happened next….well, after I spent 4 hours mastering the intensely smokey eye.

5. The Real Housewives. Orange County. Atlanta. New York. New Jersey. D.C. Or Beverly Hills. Everyone has their favorite. This show is just one of the many reasons to be glad you’re still a college girl.

4 Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. This was the beginning of an era for MTV. The first of many “reality TV shows with the feel of a scripted drama.” This was LC’s big break. This was the show that gave us…

3. The Hills. Somehow I’ve managed to make it through life without ever seeing an episode. But even I understand the socio-cultural significance of this particular show. I mean Speidi alone was life altering. But the couple everyone (or at least I do) loves to hate was only the beginning. Drama. Deceit.  Juicy details. And then the last few seconds of the series finale. Enough said.

2. The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad. This show has been on the air for eight years, providing viewers with almost a decade’s worth of pretty people breaking up, making out and freaking out. But let’s be honest, it never would have gotten the coveted number two spot if it hadn’t been for Brad Womack. He led us to DeAnna Pappas who led us to Jason Mesnick who led us to Jillian Harris who led us to Jake Pavelka who led us to Ali Fedotowsky. So much drama. So few brain cells. Add in a summer season of Bachelor Pad, and an upcoming repeat performance by Brad Womack, and this show just can’t be beat, well, except for…

1. The Jersey Shore. Come on. Did you really expect anything else here?  These people were the most popular Halloween costume of 2010.  They brought us t-shirt time, grenades, smushing and, of course, “CABS ARE HERE!” MTV gave them their own book. South Park dedicated an episode to them. They are pop culture.  As much as you might hate to admit it, Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, JWoww and all the rest have wormed their way into the hearts’ of America, monumentally shaking the very foundations of our existence.

GTL ladies, GTL.

Which reality TV shows changed your life? Which one do you love? Love to hate? Or just plain old hate?

[Check out Jenn's other musings-in-the-form-of-a-list here.]

Cosmo

We also learn that what you’re envious of reveals what you really want in life. But didn’t we already learn this when Laguna Beach first came out and we all felt green with envy? I don’t think it took our “where-we-sit-at-lunch-defines-our-popularity-status” high school minds and an article from Cosmo to realize that we were envious because we wanted what they had. We wanted their million dollar mansions, designer name clothing, thriving social lives, and Ste-VEN in our beds. And we especially all wanted to be asked to our proms with a fish filled pool and a lit up sign. So thanks anyway, Cosmo.

But perhaps the most informative article this month is His Bedtime Body Language, in which we learn how his sleeping position tells us all we need to know about his personality.

Cosmo Says: Facedown: This guy likes to be in control.
Arielle Says: Or maybe he just likes to shove his face under the pillow so the afternoon sun doesn’t wake him from his slumber.

Cosmo Says: On His Back: His open posture shows that he’s secure and optimistic.
Arielle Says: Yeah… optimistic for a blow job! Or maybe he was watching an episode of Entourage and fell asleep halfway through. Or was reading his biology assignment and fell asleep with the book on his chest. Well, actually probably not the latter, if your man is anything like mine… Either way, the analysis of this sleeping position should really just be that he will need a nose strip; he’s going to be snoring all night.

Cosmo Says: Thrashing Around: Constant movement indicates your guy is stressed.
Arielle Says: This is probably the only one that actually holds some merit. We all thrash around when we’re stressed… and when we’ve had too much to drink and can’t get comfortable on either side because the room is spinning no matter which direction we face. He may also be thrashing around because it’s hard to find a comfortable position in a dorm-style twin bed with two people in it.

Cosmo Says: On His Side: Men who snooze this way tend to be laid-back and quick to compromise.
Arielle Says: Or he turned away from his girlfriend because she was reading Cosmo and asking him why he doesn’t compromise even though he sleeps on his side…

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.”

Naturally, with moves like those, everyone and anyone could tell that Holly had developed a serious drinking problem. No one who has control over themselves and their bodies can pull moves like that…in front of other people. And I agree that the girl was totally out of line and embarrassing at the Brent Bolthouse party, but it seems a little ironic that the two people who seemed most bothered by her antics were:

1. Stephanie Pratt, a girl who just got arrested for a DUI
2. Spencer Pratt, a guy who wore an ill-fitting cowboy hat to a high class event in Hollywood.

Why don’t we cut the girl some slack? Lord knows if was to be tied to those two turds through marriage for the rest of my life (or at least until the Paparazzi stop taking their damn photo), I’d get hammered all the time, too. I mean, how else does one deal with flesh-beard?!

And speaking of people who make me want to hit the bottle super, duper hard, let’s talk about Justin Bobby. And when I say “hit the bottle” I mean “hit the bottle over his annoying hooded head.” Just wanted to clarify.

So Justin is playing two girls. Fine. One of them is an annoying fake who acts tough and cool (and suddenly has a giant house in Laguna that MTV definitely bought for her parents since her old Laguna house did NOT look like that) and the other is a total pushover who lets him walk all over her in his Doc Martins. Frankly, they both deserve it and I don’t really care how this ends up. Unless it ends in a giant girl fight, in which case my money is totally on Audrina. Have you seen her teeth? She could tear Kristen’s flesh from her bones in one quick chomp.

But I digress. My problem with this situation is that JB dated Audrina for 4 years and still doesn’t know her name.

“I’d never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge.”

Uh, homeboy, maybe that’s because you never dated an Audrina Patridge. You dated/dicked over Audrina PaRRRRtridge. R. Rrrr. Something you might have noticed or heard if you took that grease beanie off your head 3 seasons ago.

Oh god. Now I’m all heated up.

I’m gonna pull a Holly and get me a margarita.

Okay girls, The Hills premiere is almost here! (September 29 at 10 pm, to be exact). I’m totally freaking out! I can barely contain my excitement. Yes, I know it is extremely embarrassing that I’m counting down the hours, but who’s with me?

Tomorrow night we can finally resume our  weekly ritual of guilty pleasures. For me it’ll be nachos, a glass of cheap wine and a drama packed half hour of catty girl fights in gorgeous outfits.

All the hype of Kristen replacing LC had me reminiscing of high school nights when I would crowd around the TV with my girlfriends to watch the Stephen-Colletti-tug-of-war on Laguna Beach. So, I sat down this weekend for a little revisit to the beginnings of this cash cow of a reality show that’s spitting out celebrities at an Octomom rate.

I’m not going to lie, taking this little trip down memory lane had me a bit melancholy, as I revisited the cast when they still used to consume solid food, had hair that didn’t scream bleach bottle, and sported an authentic California tan instead of layers of cakey makeup.

I’m a sucker for the drama of the new Hills season, but I’ll always miss the natural innocence of the girls that charmed us in the beginning.

Heidi

When Heidi and LC first moved in together, I loved this girl. She was fun, she was real, and she was a good friend to our leading lady.

Now (a pair of boobs, a nose job, and a marriage to the biggest douche bag on the planet later) she’s the walking poster child for fake. Just another playboy wannabe, starving herself through Hollywood.

Audrina

Oh Audrina. I’ve never been able to get past that monotone, I-have-no-idea-what’s-going-on-ever thing you have going. But at least in the beginning you had that girl next door quality (no, really, Heidi recruited her as a friend at the condo’s pool.) Now her clueless look is accentuated with plunging necklines and a painful acting career.

Stephanie

At first, she had a chill, down to earth style; very laid back California girl. Now it looks like someone attacked her with an eye pencil, teeth whitener and an entire can of hairspray. I’ll cut her a little slack only because her blood relation to Spencer has got to be stressful, and she obviously can’t be sporting those bags and wrinkles on national TV.

Kristin

Whether you think she’s a bitch or admire her for her honesty, there’s no doubt that Kristen’s I-Don’t’Give-A-F!@% attitude is what had all the boys chasing her around Laguna. She was hot without trying, the perfect example of the confident, relaxed Cali chick. No doubt that confidence is still there, but now it’s stuffed into a skintight micro-mini and doused with bronzer. Not the fun, laid back look we used to admire.

What do you guys think? Do you like the new bombshell Hollywood makeovers or miss their early days of t-shirts and jean shorts?

I continued to hone in on my celebrity girl crushes, admiring them from afar; I went through a Britney Spears phase (who didn’t?), fell in love with a random contestant on MTV’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge, declared my love for Jessica Alba, Sloan from Entourage, Kristin Cavalleri from Laguna Beach, Charlize Theron, and the entire female cast of Gossip Girl, and obsessed over Giada de Laurentiis from The Food Network. Anyone that can whip up eggplant parmigiana and chocolate hazelnut brownies five days a week and still wear a size two is totally hot in my book.

The one girl (or woman, I should say) that continually I refused to crush on was Penelope Cruz. Maybe it’s because my first serious boyfriend was in love with her and I was jealous, or maybe it’s because she speaks English with a sexy Spanish accent that I have always coveted. Either way, I always argued with people who insisted that she was the hottest celebrity. That is, until I had a revelation just a couple of weeks ago.

It was a cold and rainy night in Madrid, and my friend and I were feeling homesick and lamenting the lack of all things American and the overabundance of Spanish ham. We decided to see what movies were playing in English, and decided on Woody Allen’s, Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It seemed appropriate, given that we were in Spain and both headed to the Mediterranean city when our parents came to visit. We took our seats and immediately fell into a trance as we admired the beautiful landscape and remembered why Europe was so cool.

And then Penelope walked into the picture.

Ms. Cruz plays the totally insane, utterly pathological, and unbelievable sexy Maria Elena in this story about love, sex, and the difficulties we face on the road to personal discovery. Constantly chain-smoking (and drawing attention to her perfect lips, perfect jaw, perfect everything…), Penelope dons flowy white dresses and tousled hair throughout the entire film as she rants, raves, and argues passionately with Bardem (aka Jose Antonió), who isn’t bad himself.

Perhaps the most exciting moment for a girl crush connoisseur, however, is scene in which Cruz and co-star Scarlett Johansson lock lips in a sensual darkroom make out session. (Bardem proceeds to join them amongst rows of developing photos soon afterwards, making for a totally hot three-way.)

And as amazing as her physical attributes are, we should not forget that Cruz, a native of Madrid, Spain (another reason why I should be crushing on her right now – I am studying abroad here as we…type) is a highly acclaimed actress.

In 2008, she received an Oscar nomination for her role in Allen´s film (making her the only Spanish nominee of the year), and her performances in films like Vanilla Sky, Blow and Volver have helped her earn major props as one of the decade´s biggest talents. She speaks four languages (Spanish, Italian, French and English), and dated Matthew McConaughey (!!) for over a year until she moved onto VCB´s Bardem… a good move in my opinion.

In 2007, she announced that she was planning to design a Barcelona-based clothing line with her sister and was quoted as saying she would like to adopt. Actress, business woman, and family woman; how can you not love her?

The only thing about Penelope that I’m not lovin’ is her three-year stint with scientologist and crazy couch-hopper, Tom Cruise, but I suppose we all make mistakes. Who doesn’t have a weird and creepy skeleton (or 3)  in the closet?

Cruz is next set to star in the film version of the American musical Nine (hitting theaters in November 2009) alongside female powerhouses Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Kate Hudson, and Sophia Loren. And even those gorgeous women can’t overshadow my crush, Penelop Cruz.

You know how you used to love reading books? And then you got to college and if you never had to read another book as long as you lived it will be too soon.

Yeah, that’s how I feel about The City.

I used to totally live for the MTV reality shows: Laguna Beach, The Hills, hell, even Bromance. But The City totally killed it all for me and watching it every week is like sticking a Christian Louboutin heel in my eye. Except minus the glamour and excitement of having a Louboutin to shove in my cornea.

This show is terrible. TERRIBLE.  The characters are all extremely dense and boring and I just cannot muster up an feelings for any of them. I take notes during the episode and this is what I had at the end of the show:

-    Whitney needs to stop wearing those things on her head

-    Why is that model chick so skinny? And she sorta looks like a bug.

-    Erin needs to stop with the over-acting. It’s not flattering.

-    Does Nevan have pit stains?

The drama created by MTV isn’t even the most interesting aspect of the show; it’s only the blatant lack of reality that I care about. Like the fact that the Catarina girl showed up to this art show (which, by the way, is so unrealistic for early 20s peeps to be having…my friends used to spend our evenings at home watching TV).

Any normal or sane person would either a) not invite her or b) tell her it’s probably not the best idea to be coming since the girlfriend of the guy you made out with will be there.

But no; she comes. Why? Because MTV told her to. Because art shows are boring unless the bitch who wooed your man shows up. Because this episode would have been 23 minutes of Whitney’s head-pieces had she not. Because bitchy and holier-than-though Olivia Palermo isn’t even enough to make this show worth watching.

I will keep watching because I have to write this little ditty, but I am not going to like it one bit. I never thought I’d say these words, but I miss Spencer, Heidi and Justin Bobby.

At least their annoying asses were entertaining to watch. This new shiz is just crap.

Comedian Katt Williams is missing…

Rumer Willis is a whack job!

The best things come in small packages…lookin’ good when you’re not 5’11”

He may be a little weird…but TomKat made a damn cute kitten!

So, I know the election’s over, but Sarah Palin continues to amuse me.

Tips on going vintage…

Baby animals are sooo cute!!

Amazingness…get Hilary Duff’s look for under $100!!!

Get ready, ladies (and some gents), Black Friday is right around the corner…

LC’s ex is back in the news…

Being that I have a giant obsession with The Hills, I have forced a lot of my friends to watch it over the years. Obviously, they had no choice if they happened to be anywhere near my house on a Monday night; but it also happens to be the only thing I talk about/reference, so most of my friends felt it necessary to watch in order to understand me when I refer to their new bangs as totally Pratt-Tastic. Or if I refer to someone’s lame ass BF as a Poor (wo)Man’s Justin Bobby.

But just because they watch it doesn’t mean they love it like I do. In fact, as last nights season finale was coming to a dramatic close, I received this text from a friend:

“The Hills is the suckiest sucky show ever. I want to shove forks into my eyes.”

Clearly, this friend doesn’t see the show for the super fantastic hot mess that it really is. And that makes me sad.

Kinda like how Lo makes me sad. I used to be so obsessed with her; she was my favorite member of The Hills crew because she was down to earth, funny and totally an anti-diva. What the hell happened to that Lo? I didn’t know when I interviewed her that she would turn out to be such a bitch. I mean, she never even mentioned kicking Audrina to the curb and hogging LC for herself. Even worse, she somehow makes it seem like she is the victim in all of this because Audrina isn’t the best friend she had hoped she’d be living with. This is a new side of Lo and I just don’t like it. Not one bit.

Lauren, not surprisingly, doesn’t see Lo for the bitch she has become and decides it must be Audrina’s fault that she is drifting. LC never was very good at choosing the right people to surround herself with. Remember Jason? And Stephen? And Heidi? And Stephanie Pratt? Ugh, the list just goes on and on.

Knowing all that, it doesn’t surprise me that she starts to push away the only person who ever really was truly good to her: Audrina. So, Lauren decides to head out to the back house for the first time ever and have a chat with her former bestie. I have to say that while I completely know that this show is fake (admit it, people) this scene really felt real. Did you see Lauren’s bottom lip shaking as she fought back her tears? And then how she got so defensive the minute Audrina tried to point out all the times she was totally dissed?

“WHEN?! WHEN DID I DO THAT!?”

Lauren really epitomizes the self-fulfilling prophecy (remember that concept from Psych 101? Study up, ladies). Ever since Laguna Beach, MTV has made Lauren seem like the innocent one in everything and now she really believes it. Tsk, tsk, Lauren. It’s time to own up to your mistakes, otherwise you’re going to lose a really important person: me, your former biggest fan.

Obviously, the LC drama wasn’t the main event in last night’s finale. That award goes to the Heidi and Spencer reunion. This whole story left me with so many questions:

1. Did MTV have Heidi work at Bolthouse just to advertise this new hotel that will be going up in Vegas?

2. What exactly was Heidi’s role in this whole business deal? And why was she invited along to work on it with the Godfather and his two associates?

3. What the hell did Spencer say that got Heidi to turn down a sick job/ride home on a private jet in favor of him?

4. Where did Stephanie go? Is she still at Valet?

Ah, another L.A. girl bites the dust and chooses a douchey boyfriend over a killer job opportunity. And why not? Those jobs come easy in The Hills! Heidi will just head home and get another one. Or, God forbid, make another record.

I guess we’ll find out next season. Until then, I suppose I’ll have to watch Real World. Barf.

Last night was the season premiere of The Hills and all I can say is, wow. I have been counting down to this moment for a long time. I even had a party to celebrate it. But even I couldn’t have anticipated just how spectacular the whole event was going to be.

A pre-show.

Mariah Carey.

An hour-long episode (with commercial breaks that seemed a lot shorter than normal).

It was fantastic.

As you all know, last night’s episode picked up where last season abruptly ended some three months ago: Lauren and Whitney arrive in Paris, while Heidi and Spencer work through the many failings of their overly public relationship. I am ashamed to say this, but after watching I was extremely disappointed with Lauren and (gulp) actually kinda respected Heidi.

Before you throw tomatoes at your computer screen, hear me out.

I love Lauren. I loved her on Laguna and I was always pulling for her in the whole Speidi drama. If there were a Kitson in Michigan, I would have definitely made the “Team Lauren” t-shirt purchase. But tonight she just pissed me off again and again. Here is a girl who is given a dream internship at Teen Vogue for not one, but two years – something totally unheard of in the media industry. Then she is given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work in Paris, which she turns down to spend the summer with a drug addict, only to be offered it again!

Obviously, she would realize how lucky she is and work her ass off to prove to Lisa Love that she is worth it, right? Wrong.

First she lands in Paris and decides it is more important to dress herself than dress the debutantes she was assigned to (strike 1). Then she decides to take a personal call while doing the 10 minutes of work she has to do the entire week she is in Paris (strike 2). Then, she decides it is of utmost importance to go out to the bars in Paris with some bearded old man and takes the couture dress loaned to her and pins it up to wear out on the town. We all watch and wait for someone to spill red wine on the dress and breathe a sigh of relief when Lauren and Whitney make it home, dress intact. But, wait! Fifteen minutes before the ladies are supposed to be at the ball, Lauren realizes she has burned the dress with her curling iron (strike 3).

Naturally, the designer just hands over another gorgeous dress – that fits perfectly – and Cinderella makes it to the ball. After doing another 10 minutes of work asking some girl where she is from (while Whitney fixes a sleeve), Lauren runs off on Mr. Beard’s Vespa…in her second couture dress of the evening (strike 4). I know nothing actually happened to that dress, but was that really the best idea when you have already ruined one?

I know my anger stems from jealousy at Lauren’s Oh-So-Glamorous life, but give me a break. People with talent and common sense are dying for a job like that, and this girl can f*#k up that many times and still get offered an unnecessary yet totally freaking awesome opportunity to go to Paris? What the hell!?

::Breathe::

Ok. Moving on to something that causes a little less anxiety: Spencer and Heidi. As the episode begins we find Spencer looking totally disheveled – beard is all furry, hair is out of control, he is doing the dishes – due to the lack of Heidi in his life. He decides that while Heidi told him she needed time to do her own thing, he would hop in a Jeep and surprise her in Crested Butte (tee hee).

Well, let’s just say that Heidi was less than thrilled to see him. It was hard to tell since she has lost the ability to move her face due to numerous plastic surgeries and Botox injections, but while dining with Spencer and her parents, Heidi made it pretty clear that she didn’t want him there. Like, during her toast when she expressed her love for her parents…and totally ignored Spencer’s presence. Or when she pretty much ripped him a new one while her mom and step-dad looked on.

It was amazing. Nothing brings two people together like a common enemy, and Spencer has definitely brought me closer to Heidi. I still don’t like her – or her awful attempts at making it as a musical artist – but I do have much respect for a woman who is going to put the spawn of Satan in his place. Then I remember these photos I found yesterday and realize that it is only a matter of time until these two get back together and I feel that familiar overwhelming urge to punch them both in the face.

If the rest of the season is anything like last night’s episode, we are all in for some serious dramaaa. It is going to be good. Rumor has it Justin Bobby is back and I can’t wait to see how infrequently he showers this time around. Until next week…..