Easy on the soda water, homegirl.

A couple of days ago three bars at Penn State were fined for “lack of alcohol training.”

What?!

What exactly were those bartenders doing wrong to piss off the authorities? How hard is it to open a bottle of Bud Light or mix vodka and tonic together? It’s not like us college kids are ordering difficult drinks like mudslides and daiquiris at the bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say the only qualities I’m looking for in a bartender are speed and a heavy hand (well, the hand that’s holding the booze). And if they’re a bit slow at math and can’t add my tab correctly, that’s OK too.

The thing is, bartender experience is the least important offense when it comes to college bars. There are far more pressing and disturbing issues that should be addressed. And fined. And fixed!

The Line
I don’t mind waiting in line if the bar is hopping – I’ll just sip my 40 while I wait – but making people stand in line when the bar is empty only to make it look cooler? That should be illegal.

Watered Down Drinks
I did not pay $7 for soda on ice; if I wanted that I would go to the McDonalds down the street and get unlimited refills for a dollar. If I order a Cran-Vodka, I want it to sting as it goes down, not taste like I could put in my 3 year old cousin’s sippy-cup. So stop filling my mini-cup with ice to make me think I’m getting more booze and tip that bottle in there. I’m paying you more for this one drink than a full bottle at the liquor store so stop being so damn stingy. Read More »

Karaoke isn’t for everyone, and we all know that a vast majority of us should probably steer clear from public vocal performance, but there are some songs that you can’t help belting out. These ten gems are taken from my own college experience, but quite a few have proven universal favorites among the twenty-something set as we all know it.

With no further ado, the top ten songs I personally can’t help but sing. In no particular order, let’s start with the obvious:

1. Don’t Stop Believing by Journey

Hold on to that feeling…

It’s inevitable. The bar will close, the party will end, and to signify the bittersweet ending of yet another great college night

2. Sweet Caroline (ba ba ba…) by Neil Diamond

So good, so good, so good!

Definitely should be reserved for last call, but still proves to be a favorite you can’t resist.

3. You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC

Cause the walls were shakin, the earth was quakin’, my mind was achin’, and we were makin’ it and you…

It requires a fist-pump. And that may be why I love it.

4. Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi

We’ve got each other and that’s a lot/ For love, we’ll give it a shot.. Ohhhhhhh….

Yeah. You maybe just started singing right now, I saw that.

5. Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money

I can hear you breathe, I can feel your heart beating faster (faster)…

A great song…and a great pick up line. Read More »

The bartender’s calling last call, but the night is still young. You’ve been chatting it up with a great guy all night, and you’re both ready to go beyond friendship and polite conversation. The question isn’t are you going to hook up? The question is where.

His Place

Pro: You don’t have to worry about the pile of dirty laundry on your bedroom floor.

Con: You have no idea if he has to worry about the pile of dirty laundry on his bedroom floor.

Your Place

Pro: You can easily access your toothbrush and contact lens solution.

Con: He can easily access all of the secrets of your medicine cabinet.

His Place

Pro: You don’t have to worry about waking up/sexiling your roommate.

Con: You have to worry about his roommates.

Your Place

Pro: You won’t have to take a walk of shame in the morning.

Con: You risk your entire floor seeing him leave your room. Read More »

It’s always a toss-up to say what the best part of an evening out is. Pregame and preparation are always fun, but last call is just a crucial part of a night out, especially when you’re going to school in the Midwest and the town closes down at about 2 AM.

You can really get a sense of the type of establishment you’ve been frequenting by learning what it closes with each night. In New York, sometimes a sick sense of accomplishment coincides with every last call you actually make it to. 4 AM is much easier said than done when you’ve been trained to turn in after 2. Sometimes, though, regardless of the time, you’re going to get the same gratification.

What’s sad is that no one actually NEEDS that final drink at last call, but everyone panics all the same, as though they haven’t been drinking all night anyway.

By far, on my undergrad campus, the favorite establishments were moderately-to-very dirtball bars filled with a slightly frat-tastic crowd of kids, and sometimes bartenders in basketball shorts. Some of said frat boys were known to wear sweatpants on the rare occasion. But the best part of these bars was the unquestionable fact that come 2 AM, the lights would flicker on and the speakers would be blasting either Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” or “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers, depending on which venue you had chosen for the night. Read More »

Carson Daly has committed the ultimate crime: resuming production on Last Call with Carson Daly.Daly has also defied the ongoing writer’s strike – but that’s hardly his biggest offense.

Does anybody really watch Last Call with Carson Daly? It’s on at some ungodly hour next to weight-loss and fly-fishing gear infomercials…and since when did Daly become a source of comedy? The show has been on the air since 2002 and I still don’t know one soul who watches it.

Since his writing staff is M.I.A. Daly has solicited outside help from family and friends, asking them in an email to submit him jokes that will be used in an upcoming skit. Read More »