Everyone in my life knows I love Lauren Conrad. I started using the word “homeboy” because she made it so endearing, attempted her adorable side-braid (and pouted all day when I realized it looked horrible on me) and totally got into the leggings and men’s t-shirt trend because she rocked it so chic-ly through he streets of LA on The Hills.

When she came out with a fashion line, I couldn’t wait to shop the racks, obvi. The cuts were great and the palette made it perfect for serving as the basic staples of my wardrobe (think solid colored t-shirts, comfy tanks and primary colored mini’s to be pared with jackets and patterned tights that were already in my closet).

Sadly, the price tags and my bank account had a huge fallout and after purchasing a select few pieces (one of which I found digging through the sale rack), I just couldn’t add LC to my list of most-worn designers.

So when I found out that she was doing a diffusion line with Kohl’s I was leaping out of my skin with excitement. She just oozes that laid back, California girl vibe that I couldn’t wait to rock myself. I was all ready to accompany my new wardrobe with some loose curls and a bronzy glow.

And when I first opened the website it seemed all my prayers had been answered. There was a live video of LC, lounging in a flowy, off the shoulder top and a pair of kick ass leather boots with metal accents. Then she’s in an awesome black blazer, that, of course, I’ve been wanting but haven’t been able to find in my price range. Until now, right?

Wrong. A big fat wrong.

When I actually clicked through to the clothes, I had to double check I wasn’t somehow redirected to the Chico’s website. The shirts are all shapeless and boring. The one’s that do have a pattern look like something my grandmother would wear. There are two cardigans that are decent (because how can you really go wrong with a cardigan?), but I can get one of those at Forever 21 for 15 bucks so why would I pay $30 at Kohl’s?

And I don’t understand the dresses at all; one of them looks like the garment was attacked by a flock of geese.

Sure, LC is wearing one of the better looking tops (which isn’t saying much) in the opening video, but its covered by a blazer that isn’t part of the collection, probably a high-end designer that no one who is shopping at Kohl’s can afford, and the same goes for those amazing boots.

I really don’t know who LC is designing for, but it sure as hell isn’t the people who love her (aka anyone under 45) and actually like to look like they have a body under our clothes. Perhaps she should pitch her line to Talbot’s? To be honest, it should just be taken off shelves altogether; it’s a crime against fashion and a huge insult to people shopping on a budget.

Overall, the line left me severely disillusioned with Conrad’s future as a designer. If you can’t create fashionable clothes for the masses perhaps you should return to fashion school and actually pay attention this time instead of putting all your energy into giving Stephanie Pratt the stink eye from across the room.

Heidi: "What's that smell?" Spencer: "Must be those burritos."

It’s time!

After months of waiting (and trying to avoid anything and everything Speidi-related), The Hills back. Yeah, it’s without Lauren, but she was getting boring anyway. It’s one thing to love her as a person (which I do), but it’s quite another to love watching her on a show (which I slept through).

So bring on Kristin!
Bring back Jusin Bobby’s berets!
Give Stephanie Pratt a cookie!
Give Spencer Pratt a labotomy!

And bring on the drama.

In case you missed it/want to reduce your IQ 100-150 points, Speidi has been doing some sort of live stream leading up to the season premier. Personally, I would rather get a poop facial than support anything those turds do, but someone sent it to me and now I can’t look away.

I. must. look. away.

Anyways, sit tight. Only 20 more minutes until the BIG PREMIER! I’m gonna go cut up an apple for a healthy snack. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m running to the corner for some cookie dough ice cream. I’ll be back!

9:51 PM: Ok, so this ice cream is really good. Not so good: watching the Speidi wedding all over again. She’s wearing my dream dress, that whore.

9:59 PM: What the hell is this Valemont shiz?

10:00 PM: It’s so weird hearing this raspy voice as the new narrator.

10:02: Kristin slapped Lauren? God I hope she smacks someone this season. And I love how they will give her “the benefit of the doubt” and be her friend. Read: “we wanna keep making sick amounts of money by being on this show so we’ll hang out with her.”

10:04: Brody’s GF just walks around in a bikini? Oh wait – she’s speaking. It’s clear that her bikini body is all she has to offer.

10:05: Notice how there is no mention of how Kristin can afford a BMW or Louboutins. But what can I expect? We’re always supposed to suspend belief. I can’t wait to see what that bitch does when she arrives at this party.

10:06: Nice beard, Justin Bobby!

10:07: Everyone’s giving Kristin the stink eye. I am just waiting for SOMEONE to realize that Justin Bobby is NOT WORTH anyone’s attention.

10:08: OMG. First fight already and we’re only 8 minutes in. How did this even happen? And let’s talk about the script writers. “Oh it’s gonna be like this? It’s gonna be like this! This is what it’s gonna be like.” Um, Kristin, you’re a white girl from LAGUNA BEACH. What are you gonna do? Whip your Marc Jacobs in her face?

And Audrina, don’t start fights – we wouldn’t want someone to pop your boobs.

10:11: SAW 6? Are you serious? They’re still making those movies? I peed my pants when I saw the first one. True story.

10:14: “How can one person turn all of our lives up-side-down?” Uh, Steph, have you met your brother?

10:15: OMG. It’s real. That cowboy hat is REALLY HAPPENING.

10:16: Um, it’s weird enough that Kristin was invited to this little birthday party, but how the hell did Stacie end up there? And I’m totally agreeing with Lo’s thoughts on Kristin:  “I just don’t want to get on her bad side.” Is it weird that so many people have said the exact same thing about me?

10:17: I HATE KRISTIN. She’s pretending to like bball just to hang out with the boys by herself. BIGGEST PET PEEVE. I guarantee this is the first game she’s watched and she is confused because there are no goal posts or helmets.

10:19: This juvenile flirting between Kristin and JB is making me want to barf. I think I’d rather watch Speidi do that fake kissy thing for the paparazzi than watch Dirty McBeard and Slutty McSkank snuggle up together.

10:24: Spencer and Heidi are house shopping. For a porno pad, apparently. And Spencer went against Heidi AGAIN and put a deposit on a house before even talking to her. Good to see marriage has matured him. “It’s my way or the boring way. Na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.”

10:26: Did Steph really expect Kristin to say hi to her after she got all up in her shiz at the other party? Are all girls this delusional? Am I that delusional?

10:28: Kristin: “I had second thoughts about coming here.” Kristin says it’s because of Audrina, but I think it’s because of JB’s greasy hair. She only saw him in a hat before and now he’s hat free…and it’s not pretty.

10:29: “I have the best bed.” She’s so smooth, this Kristin Cavallari. And OMG, did Justin Bobby just smile? It’s so…scary.

And….end scene.

Well, I have to say, MTV did a good job casting Kristin in Lauren’s place. This girl definitely brings the bitch and we may even get some more physical fights a la Spencer’s fist brawl last season. So far Jayde hates her, Audrina hates her, Stephanie hates her, and I’m sure Lo hates her but she’s just afraid to admit it.

I don’t know about you, but I’m hooked. Not that I wasn’t before. I’ve been watching since Kristin was making kissy faces with Stephen Coletti in the back of his white Toyota pick-up and I’m not ready to stop now. As much as it pains me to say this, I can’t wait for the rest of the season. Especially if Spencer keeps donning that ridiculous hat.

I’ll be recappin the action every Wednesday morning, so come back every week to dish it over with me.

Okay girls, The Hills premiere is almost here! (September 29 at 10 pm, to be exact). I’m totally freaking out! I can barely contain my excitement. Yes, I know it is extremely embarrassing that I’m counting down the hours, but who’s with me?

Tomorrow night we can finally resume our  weekly ritual of guilty pleasures. For me it’ll be nachos, a glass of cheap wine and a drama packed half hour of catty girl fights in gorgeous outfits.

All the hype of Kristen replacing LC had me reminiscing of high school nights when I would crowd around the TV with my girlfriends to watch the Stephen-Colletti-tug-of-war on Laguna Beach. So, I sat down this weekend for a little revisit to the beginnings of this cash cow of a reality show that’s spitting out celebrities at an Octomom rate.

I’m not going to lie, taking this little trip down memory lane had me a bit melancholy, as I revisited the cast when they still used to consume solid food, had hair that didn’t scream bleach bottle, and sported an authentic California tan instead of layers of cakey makeup.

I’m a sucker for the drama of the new Hills season, but I’ll always miss the natural innocence of the girls that charmed us in the beginning.

Heidi

When Heidi and LC first moved in together, I loved this girl. She was fun, she was real, and she was a good friend to our leading lady.

Now (a pair of boobs, a nose job, and a marriage to the biggest douche bag on the planet later) she’s the walking poster child for fake. Just another playboy wannabe, starving herself through Hollywood.

Audrina

Oh Audrina. I’ve never been able to get past that monotone, I-have-no-idea-what’s-going-on-ever thing you have going. But at least in the beginning you had that girl next door quality (no, really, Heidi recruited her as a friend at the condo’s pool.) Now her clueless look is accentuated with plunging necklines and a painful acting career.

Stephanie

At first, she had a chill, down to earth style; very laid back California girl. Now it looks like someone attacked her with an eye pencil, teeth whitener and an entire can of hairspray. I’ll cut her a little slack only because her blood relation to Spencer has got to be stressful, and she obviously can’t be sporting those bags and wrinkles on national TV.

Kristin

Whether you think she’s a bitch or admire her for her honesty, there’s no doubt that Kristen’s I-Don’t’Give-A-F!@% attitude is what had all the boys chasing her around Laguna. She was hot without trying, the perfect example of the confident, relaxed Cali chick. No doubt that confidence is still there, but now it’s stuffed into a skintight micro-mini and doused with bronzer. Not the fun, laid back look we used to admire.

What do you guys think? Do you like the new bombshell Hollywood makeovers or miss their early days of t-shirts and jean shorts?

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I’ll be honest – if I didn’t read CollegeCandy, I never would have known about MTV’s new show, House of Jazmin. I’d like to say it’s because I don’t bother with the dribble on MTV, but the real reason is because I get so engrossed in the drama on MTV shows that I am forced to fast-forward straight through the commercials and miss everything that is comin’ up.

So I watched this new show, AKA MTV’s answer to the loss of Lauren Conrad. MTV’s attempt at another show that might possibly gross as much money for the network as The Hills. MTV’s response to people who complained about how scripted/fake/annoying The Hills is.

And what did we get?
A real girl who is driven and talented and adorable.

And boring!

I am the first person to stand up and throw stuff at the TV during an episode (or full day marathon) of The Hills; I hate all the BS drama and how fake of a life LC and her friends are living in L.A. I’ve been begging for something more realistic to show people what life is really like in the real world, but now that I have it I realize why it’s never been done before.

It’s just really boring. There is a reason I don’t have my own reality show and it’s because it would consist of a lot of me sitting in front of my laptop or eating cereal out of the box in front of my TV. It’s not TV-worthy, and either is Jazmin’s life.

I watch MTV because I want to see music videos (ha! who am I kidding!?) be entertained by the bullsh*t. I wanna be swept away in someone else’s ridiculous dramz for a bit. Drama that is a-plenty on other MTV shows:

Drama on The Hills: Heidi and Spencer tell the world about Lauren Conrad’s giant…lady parts.
Drama on The Real World: Fork throwing, punching, someone getting sent home because he can’t handle a job running Spring Break in Cancun….

Drama on House of Jazmin: A model’s eyeshadow didn’t match everyone else’s in the show. Oh, and the bartender was late to the fashion show. (Although I can see how a party without booze is a serious issue…)

Hell, the only interaction Ms. Jazmin had with a male was the old man in the fabric store…when she was bartering for fabric.

I am impressed with Jazmin’s talent and success at such a young age – she’s a great role model for young women, which MTV needed – but I’m just not sure I’m sold on her show. As much as I hate on The Hills, I live for that stuff. My life is boring enough on its own – I don’t need to watch someone else’s.

But I will. I’ll watch it every week and see if it gets any better (or if Jazmin’s grandmother can indeed get those models to eat) and break it all down here.

So as I spent another long summer day mourning the loss of LC from my biggest guilty pleasure (yeah, I’m still not over it), a promo for a new MTV show, House of Jazmin, caught my eye. I don’t really get the spelling of her name, but Jaz is young, cute, and bound to have messy, dramatic hookups every week…

It’s no LC, but can Jazmin be the new reality superstar sent to fill the void The Hills has left in my heart?

Maybe we should first establish the fact that no one will ever be able to fill the very chic shoes of Lauren Conrad. As a reality star, she was God. Not too much of a pushover, but not too catty. A serial dater, providing endless opportunities for me to indulge my monogamous self in first date after first date with sexy, California men. And she chose perfect friends, as they gave her loyal friendship for just long enough to have me invested in the relationship… before completely betraying her and shattering both of our hearts.

I think you get the picture; I was basically living an imaginary life as Lauren Conrad’s best friend. (Cry during the Audrina/ LC fight scene with mascara tears…me? Noooo…)

It’s with this LC obsession that I now come upon Jazmin. I’ll admit, there’s potential. She’s bound to run into her share of Kelly Cutrone’s, and watching her get eaten alive may generate sympathy with which I may become invested in her climb to success. But before Jazmin can move in as the LC of MTV’s fall lineup, there are a couple of things about this show that have got to be adjusted.

First of all, the family has got to go. I want to see drama, I want to see hookups; I don’t want to see Jazmin running home to mommy and discussing her problems over a home-cooked meal. And enough with the good girl gone business woman. Have that BFF of hers get a little promscuous,  sleep with Jazmin’s boyfriend backstage at a fashion show and then you’ll have me hooked.

I mean, how will she ever finish her line when she is betrayed and heartbroken?

And I’m sure MTV will come through for me. They always do. So, I’m gonna give the show a chance. Jazmin will learn soon enough that to become a successful designer today you don’t have to be a fashion genius; you have to become a paparazzi-hunted socialite (with a sex tape!) whose daily adventures grace the covers of People. After that people will go out and buy a paper bag if it has your name sewn on the inside.

What do you think? Is Jazmin bound to be a hit or will she fail miserably as an LC wannabe? Come back tomorrow to hash it all out after episode numero uno.

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This month’s Cosmo was full of summer fun ideas and beat-the-heat ideas that sound like they might actually work (except for those “easy” summer time hairstyles. I think I’ll stick to CC’s how-to-video for that).  But July’s issue had it all: A woman with a PHD who analyzes Speidi PDA! Un-cheesy 4^th of July looks! Virgins! Lauren Conrad’s cleavage! A new advice column by Chelsea Handler!(!!)

And, of course, some semi-misguided advice…
This month’s “Get Him to Kiss and Makeup” bypassed the easiest ways to get your boyfriend to forgive you (lingerie, dinner, hypnotism) and found four surefire ways to earn redemption for anything short of “cheating on him with his brother in their parents’ bed while his dog watched.” For the most part, decent ideas, but Cosmo always finds a way to work in the darndest things…

Give Him Room

Cosmo Says: Even if you want to talk things out, let your man blow off some steam by going out with the guys. “That’s how guys multitask.”

Kari Says: Alright, I can understand this. Sometimes I just need a little time alone to sulk, scream, or commiserate with the girls, but watch the expiration date on that time apart. Allowing too much time to pass before apologizing and discussing can create tension, allow anger to steep, or at the very least will earn you some bad-mouthing to his friends. Give him some time to calm down, but don’t go to bed still angry.

Don’t Out-Argue Him

Cosmo Says: Even if you can logically prove you deserve forgiveness, don’t. Bringing up a time when he screwed up and you forgave him will only distract and annoy. Also, we’ll forgive you when we’re ready, but it shouldn’t take too long.

Kari Says: See?! He just doesn’t need that much time alone. But enough of me proving I’m right, that would just clash with this Cosmo tip, which I happen to wholeheartedly agree with. If Cosmo (and life) has taught me anything, it’s that women are far superior verbal warriors than our male counterparts. So outwitting him when he’s already pissed off at whatever I just did probably wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Good looks, Cosmo.

Stroke His Ego

Cosmo Says: “Guys are never immune to compliments. Doing or saying something that makes him feel good not only, well, makes him feel good, but it also reminds him why it’s way better when he’s not mad at you.”

Kari Says: First of all, I’m a little disappointed in the lack of innuendo that could have been used in a paragraph with the word “stroke” in the title. Anyways, when it comes to boyfriends, they’d prefer to be literally buttered up rather than metaphorically. A well placed compliment after you’ve made up is a good way to ensure forgiveness, but not a good way to earn it. Telling him how smart, handsome or funny he is won’t go over as well if you’re arguing; it will make him feel like you’re trying to distract him from the situation at hand.

Be Tough On Yourself

Cosmo Says: “We don’t want you to beat yourself up—unless you’re doing it for our benefit.” Crocodile tears pair nicely with this, but keep that advice on the low.

Kari Says: I definitely think that when apologizing you should own up to your mistake without making excuses, but a dramatic monologue about how horrible it made you feel will only detract from your boyfriend’s feelings about the issue. Make the focus of your apology why you’re sorry you hurt him and what you can do to make him feel better; your selflessness will go a lot farther than belittling yourself. And yes, just like getting out of a speeding ticket, tears do help.

So what do you think? Have you ever used any of this advice to earn forgiveness? What do you do to make up after a big screw-up?

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OMG. So wrong. So, so wrong.