Even though I know full and well that The Hills is all a crock of reality sh*t, I still spend a good chunk of each episode pulling out the proof. For example, if the show were real, then there would be no way Lauren would get to take time off from her internship last minute to jet-set to Hawaii.  And if the show were real, that Bible in Spencer’s hand would have been real….and would have burned at his touch.

Because there is no way the devil can hold the word of God in his hands and walk away unscathed, right?

All that aside, though, I have never been as entertained by this show as I was when watching Speidi hold bible study in their den of sin with Heidi’s ex boyfriend and his current tranny girlfriend. I know, I know; those two Crested Butte kids are good people and I shouldn’t hate, but when that girl walked into dinner, I really thought she was a man. In an old man’s Hawaiian shirt. Read More »

Please let me take a moment to apologize for a lack of recap on last week’s season premier. I left DVRing up to my mother while I watched MSU get slaughtered in the NCAA championship…. And then came home to find out she doesn’t know how to DVR. (She then backed into my car in the driveway the next morning, which is why I am no longer coming home for Passover. Ruin my life once, shame on me. Ruin my life twice… well, you know the rest.)

The double feature was amazing (the boat party, the trip to Crystal Butte, Spencer throwin’ punches) and I am super grateful that MTV likes to show everything 42 times in a week.  Though I still do not forgive my mother.

Anyways, last night’s episode – while not quite as action packed as last week – was also pretty, pretty good. I always love an awkward interaction and boy did we get it when Stephanie applied for a job with People’s Revolution. Granted, I would be crapping my pants if I had to interview with Kelly Cutrone (her teeth are scarier than her ‘tude), but I would also make sure my resume was perfection before I walked through the door. I would also probably learn the difference between “professional attire” and doing my hair like a meth addict.

But that’s just me. Read More »

Dear LC,

Dear Lauren Conrad,

Hey chica! First of all, I want to say I totally respect you as a person and I think your new cell phone commercial is… not vain and retarded? Anyway, I’m just writing this letter to you because I think we’ve reached a roadblock in our relationship. I think you’re a darling girl and I’d love to remain friends, but unfortunately, we’ve both grown apart as people.

Listen, everything started out great between us. You were fun loving and carefree and your cotton sundresses were so cute and colorful. I really respected your style and how seemingly committed you were to all your girl friends. Things have changed though, haven’t they?

As a new season of The Hills approaches, I feel I need a relationship vacation from you. I won’t stop watching your show, obviously, but I don’t think “we” work together. I will watch because I’ll always respect your Marc Jacobs bags and your ability to turn any fun event into “The Lauren Conrad Drama Hour.”

Here are the reasons that I need this relationship vacation: Read More »

Last night’s episode of The Hills made me realize three things:

1. I hate Lauren. Ok, hate is a strong word, but I am a little peeved. This girl has like zero talent, yet Us Weekly names her the Celeb Designer of the year and she gets to move into this fabulous new pad? With a pool and a guest house?
2. Watching the show on a regular TV versus my HD makes Heidi look much less scary. The less sharp the picture the better.
3. Stephanie Pratt’s hair gets bigger each episode

So, obviously, the main event last night was the big move for Lauren, Lo and Audrina. And obviously, Audrina gets shunned to the guest house out in the backyard. That’s not awkward or uncomfortable at all. I guess it works out well for her, though, so she can sneak shady JB in and out without Mama Conrad finding out.

To celebrate the new digs the girls throw a mansion warming party and everyone who is anyone is there. Brody comes with his boobtacular new lady (and a juicer!), Stephen comes with a bag of Jelly Bellys and JB comes with a new ‘do. And I have to admit: he looked really cute…until I noticed the 80’s style cut off denim vest he was sporting. Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps.

Stephanie Pratt was invited, but couldn’t make it after being guilt tripped by her bro (who frequents Central Perk, apparently) and Heidi. Both interactions really make me question Ms. Pratt’s mental state. I have to ask again: does she really think that everyone is going to be ok with her being friends with LC? She acts so surprised every time she is confronted and I just don’t get it. This girl really needs a mental evaluation. Or maybe I, like everyone else involved, have just been totally duped by Her Pratt-ness and this is all part of some big evil plan. I can almost hear her cackling in the back of my head.

Read More »

Last night was overwhelming; between the return of Gossip Girl and another episode of The Hills I just couldn’t stop trembling with excitement. Luckily, the shows weren’t back to back and I had some time between to make some pizza matzoh. Delish.

While I chomped away on my Passover snack, I watched an unusually high amount of drama unfold. Even for this group of girls. The entire episode made me feel uncomfortable; like watching Meet the Parents, or The Office when Michael and Jan had the dinner party. It felt like every possible weird combo of people possible in L.A. happened. The only thing that would have been worse was if Jason showed up with his weird post-rehab wife. And then started making out with Heidi.

I mean, how awkward is it that Audrina is friends with Heidi who is friends with Stephanie who is friends with Lauren? And, as we all know, Stephanie also happens to be the sister/roommate of Spencer. She really is at the center of the drama and, somehow, has gotten everyone to trust her. Lauren wants her as a friend; Heidi wants her as her boyfriend-bashing confidant; and Spencer wants her to clean up after him.

How is it that knowing she is mixing with all parties, everyone seems to keen on trusting her/confiding in her/not questioning her shady motives? Especially Heidi! Is it normal to not only stay best friends with your ex’s (or that guy you are currently on a relationship vacation with’s) sister, but to also talk so much crap about him to her? They do live together, Heidi.

Read More »

Last night’s episode of The Hills was a total snoozer. Seriously; I fell asleep during that dumb Alicia Key’s during-the-commercial show. Poor Alica; you have such a beautiful voice, but your acting skills are so…well…stick to singing, my dear.

Anyways, I really had to force myself to stay awake. Which was especially difficult considering the fact that I need at least 2 glasses of wine to ease my anxiety so Heidi’s face, and attempts at showing emotion, don’t give me nightmares.

The show started with Heidi and Audrina meeting up for lunch. That sneaky little lady; she tells Lauren that she would never be friends with Heidi again and there she goes snacking on a sandwich and chatting it up with her behind Lauren’s back. Then she agrees to meet up with Heidi for “Ladies Night,” after making a really weird “I am not sure I want to do this/I can’t handle those lips, Heidi” face. Read More »

[Yes, LC, we realize this Hills update is late. No need to make that "holding corn chips incredulously" move of yours. This week sucked for your dear editor. I apologize. Now, on to the awesomeness...]

Yesterday I had a serious case of the Mondays. Even the Boston Creme donut I had didn’t make me feel any better. Or the giant sale on Bloomingdales.com (but I may not feel the good vibes from that until my brand new jacket arrives in the mail!). I was ready to retire to bed with a cup of tea and a good book until I remembered something awesome: The Hills is back. I have gotten so used to Mondays without my blonde and super tan frenemies that I nearly forgot. I turned on the TV and was blessed with even more good news: TWO EPISODES!

It was like the clouds parted and the sun began to shine.

Two full episodes means there is a lot of ground to cover. I took three pages of notes! Sure, a lot of that includes, “What the hell is Stephanie wearing on her head?” and, “Heidi looks like she wants to cry right now – she is trying so hard – but her face just…won’t….move.” But so much happened!

There is no way I can really discuss everything I want to – like Heidi and Spencer’s fight over who paid for which super-sized flat screen – so here is a brief rundown of the happenings on episodes dos and tres of The Hills. Sort of a Cliff’s Notes guide to last night’s drama.

Read More »

Last night was the season premiere of The Hills and all I can say is, wow. I have been counting down to this moment for a long time. I even had a party to celebrate it. But even I couldn’t have anticipated just how spectacular the whole event was going to be.

A pre-show.

Mariah Carey.

An hour-long episode (with commercial breaks that seemed a lot shorter than normal).

It was fantastic.

As you all know, last night’s episode picked up where last season abruptly ended some three months ago: Lauren and Whitney arrive in Paris, while Heidi and Spencer work through the many failings of their overly public relationship. I am ashamed to say this, but after watching I was extremely disappointed with Lauren and (gulp) actually kinda respected Heidi.

Before you throw tomatoes at your computer screen, hear me out. Read More »

Is it just me, or was last night’s episode of The Hills kinda boring? Not 3-hour-lecture boring; more like this-could-totally-be-a-day-in-my-life boring. From Lauren and Brody’s gray area to Audrina’s first date with the new boy, to Lauren and Audrina’s Halloween party (that included Pabst and beer pong!), watching it felt watching my own life!

It was almost as if MTV realized just how unbelievable the show was getting so they scaled it back to remind people that Lauren and her fabulous friends are just like the rest of us.

But mixed in with all that normal-ness was a small drama side dish a la Heidi and Spencer. Oh, and Sister Pratt. And to be honest I can’t really tell who in this situation bothered me more: Read More »

I have had enough.

While I don’t really love Audrina – she’s not the brightest crayon in the box and her teeth are sorta big – I can not sit back and watch a sister get trampled on by any guy, let alone a guy like Justin Bobby.

I want to jump into the TV (I have even considered joining the lame-ass Virtual Hills) and smack some sense into this girl, but my new TV is really expensive and I don’t want anything to happen to it. Sure, she ended things with the d-bag last night, but I can see it in her eyes that she still wants to go back for more.

And I seriously can’t let that happen.

So, I decided to do what I do with all my friends dealing with a difficult breakup: make the pros and cons list. You know; list the dude’s pros and cons, see him in all his crappy glory and finally feel good about kicking him to the curb.

Here goes the Justin Bobby pros and cons list. I hope this makes Audrina’s decision a little easier on her soul:

Pro:

Someone to snuggle with

Con:

Greasy

Pro:

Someone to talk to (when he picks up her calls)

Con:

Weird obsession with hobo-inspired headwear Read More »