I’ll be honest – if I didn’t read CollegeCandy, I never would have known about MTV’s new show, House of Jazmin. I’d like to say it’s because I don’t bother with the dribble on MTV, but the real reason is because I get so engrossed in the drama on MTV shows that I am forced to fast-forward straight through the commercials and miss everything that is comin’ up.

So I watched this new show, AKA MTV’s answer to the loss of Lauren Conrad. MTV’s attempt at another show that might possibly gross as much money for the network as The Hills. MTV’s response to people who complained about how scripted/fake/annoying The Hills is.

And what did we get?
A real girl who is driven and talented and adorable.

And boring!

I am the first person to stand up and throw stuff at the TV during an episode (or full day marathon) of The Hills; I hate all the BS drama and how fake of a life LC and her friends are living in L.A. I’ve been begging for something more realistic to show people what life is really like in the real world, but now that I have it I realize why it’s never been done before.

It’s just really boring. There is a reason I don’t have my own reality show and it’s because it would consist of a lot of me sitting in front of my laptop or eating cereal out of the box in front of my TV. It’s not TV-worthy, and either is Jazmin’s life.

I watch MTV because I want to see music videos (ha! who am I kidding!?) be entertained by the bullsh*t. I wanna be swept away in someone else’s ridiculous dramz for a bit. Drama that is a-plenty on other MTV shows:

Drama on The Hills: Heidi and Spencer tell the world about Lauren Conrad’s giant…lady parts.
Drama on The Real World: Fork throwing, punching, someone getting sent home because he can’t handle a job running Spring Break in Cancun….

Drama on House of Jazmin: A model’s eyeshadow didn’t match everyone else’s in the show. Oh, and the bartender was late to the fashion show. (Although I can see how a party without booze is a serious issue…)

Hell, the only interaction Ms. Jazmin had with a male was the old man in the fabric store…when she was bartering for fabric.

I am impressed with Jazmin’s talent and success at such a young age – she’s a great role model for young women, which MTV needed – but I’m just not sure I’m sold on her show. As much as I hate on The Hills, I live for that stuff. My life is boring enough on its own – I don’t need to watch someone else’s.

But I will. I’ll watch it every week and see if it gets any better (or if Jazmin’s grandmother can indeed get those models to eat) and break it all down here.

Ok, now correct me if I’m wrong, but Brody did come out of his hotel room in Hawaii and tell all the boys that he cheated on Jayde, right? (And what the hell kind of stripper name is Jayde, really?!) Does Brody consider sitting up all night talking about his GF with another girl cheating or was he just trying to impress his friends by telling them that he cheated?

Because this week we learn that he didn’t hook up with Audrina at all and they just slept – yes, slept – in the same bed. Being an adult woman, I do consider that inappropriate for someone in a relationship, but I wouldn’t call that cheating. And if it were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t get my trashy, Playmate entourage to stick their fake press-on nails in that poor girl’s face.

It’s not that big a deal. And my friends don’t wear fake nails.

I felt really bad for Audrina. Yes, it seems like girls in L.A. don’t understand the boundaries of liking men who are committed to someone else (See: Stacie…. if you consider Spencer to be a man), but Brody totally led that girl on. And then left her out to dry as his tranny-looking GF attacked her. I swear, if Audrina stuck around a little longer Jayde was gonna knock her out with the empty Jager bottle.

If Jayde was really so mad, she should take a break from Brody. But no – she can’t do that. Her career already peaked when she got naked for Playboy, so she’s gotta keep Brody around so she can get another 15 minutes of un-earned fame. Too bad having her back means taking a trip down Speidi path where he is going to alienate all of his friends just to have sex with a Playmate.

Seriously, if people attempted to learn about relationships from this show they’d walk away thinking that people in love make stupid decisions and end up losing all their friends. WTF, MTV?

I mean, look at Spencer and Heidi. They totally moved to Spray Tan/Blonde Hair Island and no one else was invited. Now they are in “therapy” dealing with the fact that they only have eachother…and it’s not that great. I could have told them that, you know, if I cared to see them in a happy relationship. But I didn’t and now they are spending their Saturday afternoons with a therapist instead of chasing the paparazzi through Hollywood and fake making out.

Gosh, I just hope they make it work. I really don’t know how it’s all going to turn out for them. Will they take that walk down the aisle? Will Heidi wear a Monique Lhullier dress and 1 million dollars in borrowed diamonds? Will Stephanie and Holly be the bridesmaids? Will LC show up? What about Kristen Cavillari? And will there be a weird pandemic of some dangerous flu that comes out of Mexico forcing Speidi to shorten their honeymoon and makeout in the airport wearing surgical masks?

I just don’t know. And we’re going to have to wait and find out. Ah! The suspense is going to kill me!!

Even though I know full and well that The Hills is all a crock of reality sh*t, I still spend a good chunk of each episode pulling out the proof. For example, if the show were real, then there would be no way Lauren would get to take time off from her internship last minute to jet-set to Hawaii.  And if the show were real, that Bible in Spencer’s hand would have been real….and would have burned at his touch.

Because there is no way the devil can hold the word of God in his hands and walk away unscathed, right?

All that aside, though, I have never been as entertained by this show as I was when watching Speidi hold bible study in their den of sin with Heidi’s ex boyfriend and his current tranny girlfriend. I know, I know; those two Crested Butte kids are good people and I shouldn’t hate, but when that girl walked into dinner, I really thought she was a man. In an old man’s Hawaiian shirt.

But I did warm up to her pretty quickly; the “girl” had me at, “you look so different. You don’t even look like the same person.”

Thank you for saying what everyone else on earth has ignored for 5 seasons, Christian Tranny! Everyone else seems to ignore the 412 plastic surgery/Botox injections Heidi has had, which, I might add, only prove that she didn’t like the way God made her and took matters into her own hands. Where are those Christian values, Heids?

Not everyone spent their week talking to Jesus (though I imagine Brody and Audrina spoke to him at some point during their trip. Ayooooo); on an island across the ocean, LC, Lo, Stephanie and Audrina decided to surprise the boys in Hawaii. Because showing up where you aren’t invited is always a good idea. While there, the girls hold a secret contest to see who can wear the biggest sunglasses. My congrats go out to Stephanie Pratt for covering nearly 2/3rds of that Pratt Mug with her oversized choice.

But that wasn’t enough for Steph; she also needed to create some un-needed drama by pushing Audrina to hook up with Brody. Now, I know there was some serious sexual tension there (the dude nearly humped her in her monokini), and I know what it’s like to want to get back at an ex, but Brody has a girlfriend. A girlfriend they all know. No matter how horny you are, there has got to be boundaries, women! Respect! SOMETHING.

Not that it matters. Things heat up, people get drunk and Brody finds Audrina on his bed talking to dirty boy, JB.

They talk, she bats her eyelashes and he says, “And if we decide to one night – nobody around, late night… – feelings are feelings.”

Swoon. I’m pretty sure he’s the only dude who can come up with that line and not come across as a skeezy d-bag. In fact, I went to be last night hoping he’d show up in my bedroom and say the same thing. And then do a little strip tease….

Sorry, got lost in my thoughts for a moment. Anyways, no one knows what really happened in that bungalow of love…. oh wait; yes they do. Because Brody saunters out in the morning and announces it to the cameras. Still, he doesn’t want it getting back to Jade and trusts Audrina  is not going to tell anyone about it.

Pfft. Yeah right, Brodes. You think you know women?  Even if Audrina wanted to keep this little hump sesh hush hush, she wouldn’t have a chance. When she walks out of her bedroom she’s walking into a pit with hungry (yet slighty rexi) lions who won’t let her out until they take in every. last. juicy. detail.

That sh*t will be back in LA before they land. And Lord knows I can’t wait. In fact, last night, inspired by Spencer’s newfound love for Jesus, I whipped out my bible and prayed for it.

The Craigslist killer: A BU student!

LC will be on Family Guy!?

Go Green…in the bedroom.

What is your Beer Google prescription?

Ew, Amy Winehouse. Ew.

Puppies! Enjoy.

Mmmm March Madness.

Robin Williams is doin’ A-OK.

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Zac Efron out of Footloose?

Obama to speak at Notre Dame commencement!

Cure for the dreaded bikini wax?!

LC’s love life heats up.

Would you wanna smell like Avril?

Flava Flav is 50?!

How is this whole American Idol “Wild Card” thing going to work, anyway?

Your music taste reveals how smart you are.

Britney sure knows how to pick em.

Nicky Hilton’s IHOP run-in.

People are giving up Facebook for lent?!

Virus tricks Google users.

Brian Austin Green is officially single.

Did Beyonce have a nipple slip at the Oscars?

Lauren Conrad is leaving The Hills. We weep.

Avoid dry hair.

Translating John Mayer’s mumbo jumbo.

I have watched you since the first season of The Hills and now on The City, so it’s kinda safe to say that I know you, or at least the parts of your life that are shown on MTV. I was there for the big transition to life in NYC and it looks like have navigated life in the big city pretty well so far: you’ve found your dream apartment, you have your dream job, and, of course, you got your “dream boy.”

Well, that’s why I’m writing. As a loyal and caring fan, I would like to give you the guy advice that Lauren would have given you if you hadn’t left her to get your own show work for DVF. Only I won’t be as harsh or bitchy as her. And my mascara won’t run all over my face when we start crying and hugging and loving each other again.

You are being naive, Whit. Or maybe you are just so in love with Jay that you’re blind. I understand that he is cute, he dedicates songs to you (awww) and has an Australian accent; I would probably melt too. So whats the problem, you may ask.

See, the thing is, dear, Jay seems to be playing you. (Ok, he’s TOTALLY playing you.) He’s seeing other girls apart from you. But it’s not like you didn’t know this already from Alex, that model guy you met but ditched for Jay (who I will gladly take for my very own). Yes, I get that you may not believe Alex because you may think that he’s trying to ruin it for you after you unceremoniously ignored him when Jay came around. But trust him this time. Then pass him my number.

Remember when you confronted Jay about Alex’s accusations and he said that he was going to call that Danielle chick (that was her name, right?) that he was supposedly with, but you wouldn’t let him make the call? Shoulda let him call, girlfriend. Should have let him call. Then we wouldn’t be having this awkward conversation.

I won’t tell you to break up with Jay, because you seem head-over-heels in love with him already (and then your show will be even more boring). My advice is that you be careful, because even though that “social ” bitch, Olivia, seems to be bashing Jay so she can have him all for herself, she may actually have a point.

When you do sit down and watch the episodes of your show, you will see that I am right about Jay. You will also notice that those fringy bootie things you sometimes wear are really ugly. When that time comes, I will be here with the tubs of ice cream and the tissues….and some basic flats.

So be careful for now. I’ll be watching.

Sincerely yours,

Mazuba

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What LC and Lo look like when The Hills is not taping.

Lisa Bonet – that chick from the Cosby show – had a baby. And gave it a weird-ass name.

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10 TV shows that were ripped off by other shows.

Shameful, I know, but I can’t help but salivate (and have naughty dreams) when Brody Jenner is around. Just a quick glance at his pedigree should have any hot-blooded female’s heart racing: he’s the son of Olympic decathalon champion Bruce and stepbrother of smokin’ Hollywood siblings, the Kardashians. Which means there’s no mystery where that rock-hard bod comes from… and you know he can keep his cool in the company of ladies. The dude has, like, 12 step-sisters.

Our film-fanatic friends might say, “two thumbs up!” But as yours truly says, “Eff me!”

While his dad and stepsisters strut their stuff with their own reality television show, Brody has achieved reality stardom in his own right. He made his first reality whoring appearance on the Princes of Malibu. (Yes, that show actually existed. Yes, I actually watched it. Yes, he looked effable.)

Then, obviously, he made his way to The Hills, where he dated Queen Bee LC for a spell. I can’t say I was dismayed when that ended. (Note to Ms. Conrad: You’re much more fun to watch when you’re just wearing hot clothes and sunbathing all the time. Once you start dating guys I wanna eff, I turn off my TV in disgust. Capisce?)

Now, Brody has set his relationship priorities on a different track. His new show, Bromance, will chronicle the chummy and hilarious dynamics of male-male friendships as Brody attempts to find a new best bro. Let me get this straight: Brody and nine other hunks duking it out (hopefully shirtless) for an hour each week? I don’t care if they’re fighting over who has to clean the kitty litter–my TiVo has already programmed the entire first season. It’s about time MTV has scored some eye candy for the ladies that isn’t just designer fashion on parade.

It won’t be long after Bromance premieres that Brody will tire of hangin’ with the fellas. And he will once again crave a woman’s touch. And he will be more than welcome to call me eff me, whenever he wants.

But, still – the episode actually opened up a lot more questions than it answered. Questions like:

1) What is the point of the whole Stephanie/Cameron relationship? I mean, really, why did this story line ever exist? Was it to show us that boys like Stephanie? Did MTV hope for it to cause more tension than it did? Maybe a bar brawl between Cameron, Brody and his Bromancers? Was it to bring Steph and Spencer together, or maybe tear them apart? Why?!

The love story lasted for like 5 minutes over the span of 6 episodes, so why are we supposed to care that they broke up? I just don’t understand. Enlighten me, people. (Speaking of Cameron, did anyone else notice when he tried to kiss Heidi hello and he totally got the back of her head? Awkward!)

2) Did MTV force Lauren’s parents out of their house? Lauren’s epiphanies about moving on and growing up seem a bit too…er…advanced for her to have come up with on her own, which leads me to believe that this was yet another scripted moment by the folks at MTV. Does that mean, then, that they forced her parents to move out of their mansion so they could create this moment? That’s a lot of packing for one crappy episode.

3) Did Whitney sit on a plane for 6 hours (12 round-trip!) in that dress? God, she must have been cold. And did they intentionally have her NY doppelganger come get her at the bottom of the stairs at the DVF office? That girl was totally her twin, right? Am I right? It was almost trippy, sort of a “this is gonna be you…exactly” moment.

4) How on earth did MTV get the Heidi/Spencer wedding episode edited and ready to roll for next week when it just happened 2 weeks ago?

Interesting. Interesting indeed.