Was it more about the music or the fashion last night?

Or maybe everything is all about Taylor Swift these days.

Adam Lambert turns up the (guy on guy) heat!

Why won’t your acne go away…

Levi Johntson’s Playgirl spread is a total letdown.

Victoria’s Secret models make me hate myself.

But even though the holiday isn’t here yet, your girls at CC have already found plenty of things to be thankful for. These include but are not limited to:

-       Realizing that we we’re perfectly happy without needing to look at copious pictures of dicks. Note: the link leads to a post, not to said dick pictures.

-       The Oxford English Dictionary finally validating our Facebook obsession.

-       The Swine Flu vaccine—or not.

-       Debunked diet rules. I always had an inkling that eating ice cream after 9 PM wouldn’t be any worse than eating it in the afternoon. Or in the morning. Or right now…

-       Wiser, more experienced girls who can teach us how to impress brothers and sisters at a Greek formal or what to do when sex stops being polite and starts getting real.

-       Embarrassing party photos, as long as they’re taken of somebody else

-       Our parents, even when they’re driving us absolutely insane. That goes double for our roommates.

-       Adorable professors who make waking up at the crack of dawn worth it.

-       Fierce school rivalries, for keeping college sports interesting.

-       And New Moon, I guess, if you’re into that.

Today was an unfortunate day. While perusing the internet, I ran across a teaser of Levi Johnston’s Playgirl magazine photo shoot. My curiosity got the best of me, and to say it killed the cat is an understatement. I think “made the cat look at a whole lot of nasty testicles…and then killed it” is more accurate.

I followed the link to Playgirl.com and was immediately overwhelmed by peen. (Note: I am not including the link here to spare your eyes.) Never have I ever seen so many schlongs in my entire life. All shapes, sizes and pube lengths; it was like my eyes were under attack by penis-shaped daggers.

This experience did more than force me to fight my natural gag reflex/delete the browsing history on the university computer I was using in the computer lab; it got me thinking about the presence of Playgirl at all.

Who in their right mind ever thought this magazine (now strictly online, thank god) was a good idea? Seriously. Do you know a single girl with Playgirl magazines hidden under her mattress? Have you ever sat around with your girlfriends and said, “you know, I really enjoy the sight of a good-looking penis from time to time”? (Ok, I take that back. I’ve probably said that once in my life.) Honestly, give me abs, give me back muscles, and give me a great smile, but keep the package under wraps, please.

Let’s be real, ladies; a flaccid penis is not a pretty thing. I don’t know about you, but I do everything short of remaining celibate (because that’s just unfortunate) to avoid the sight of one at all costs in real life – why would I spent $18.99 a month to load up on those images online?

Personally, the longest I’ve ever looked at a male member was in my anatomy book in high school. And I have to admit I once did extensive research on the uncircumcised penis. Fascinating topic, really. But since then, I’ll take a quick peek, assure myself that there is indeed something dangling down there, shut my eyes and then get to business. I certainly do not get my jollies by perusing photo galleries of men in the nude.

You can only stare at a man’s balls for so long before they start resembling your grandpa.

As far as I’m concerned, Title IX does not need to extend this far. Men can keep their Playboy, I’ll be fine over here with my copy of Cosmo.

Ready to see this guy's hockey stick?

Are you getting pumped about Levi Johnston’s upcoming full-frontal spread in Playgirl?

Wait, what’s that? You just threw up in your mouth a little?

Levi might be conventionally attractive, but his status as Bristol Palin’s baby-daddy, Jon Gosselin’s new buddy – Michael Lohan must be green with envy – and an all-around jerk (in response to New York Magazine asking him how he was adjusting to life in the Big Apple, Levi said, “I run this city. It ain’t no thang.” UGH) means that we’re less than excited about the idea of having naked pictures of this asshat plastered all over the internet next week.

After giving the matter some thought, we realized that there are actually only five guys that we’d be even more opposed to seeing in their birthday suits. Read the list if you dare—the thought of these dudes naked might just make you shudder.

We're fine not knowing if his shag carpet matches that dust ruffle on his chin.

Jonah Hill
Don’t get us wrong: Jonah Hill is totally hilarious, whether he’s riffing with his buddies from the Judd Apatow School of Awesome or slumming it in “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.” That said, we do not want to see his wang. Ever.

It just feels so wrong..

A Jonas Brother

Seeing any of these three without a regulation skinny tie and a nonthreatening-yet-slightly-edgy pair of pants would just weird us out, no matter how convincingly they croon about wanting to hold a girl’s hand or whatever. It would be like seeing a creepy version of Mickey Mouse wandering through a post-apocalyptic Disney Land.

Thanks to his meggings, we already know what this guy is packing.

Russell Brand

The nasty, matted, greasy hair. The unsettlingly skinny body. The meggings. Russell is a dead ringer for Jack Skellington, and that is so not attractive. Have fun, Katy Perry—then again, maybe you two deserve each other.

Barf. Here comes my $5 footlong...

Perez

No. No. NO.

Does that look like the face of someone with a bangin' bod?

Hugh Hefner

It’s kind of ironic that the guy who started the Playboy empire is the last dude that we’d ever, ever want to see in the buff. The soft-core entrepreneur is 83 years old, which makes him 63 years older than his current “girlfriends,” identical twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon. They might not mind running their hands over his loose wrinkles, but we do. Ew. There aren’t even words to describe how wrong that is.

Made it to the end of this psychologically scarring list? Congratulations—you deserve a prize. Here’s a picture of James Franco looking adorable. You’re welcome.