Easy on the soda water, homegirl.

A couple of days ago three bars at Penn State were fined for “lack of alcohol training.”

What?!

What exactly were those bartenders doing wrong to piss off the authorities? How hard is it to open a bottle of Bud Light or mix vodka and tonic together? It’s not like us college kids are ordering difficult drinks like mudslides and daiquiris at the bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say the only qualities I’m looking for in a bartender are speed and a heavy hand (well, the hand that’s holding the booze). And if they’re a bit slow at math and can’t add my tab correctly, that’s OK too.

The thing is, bartender experience is the least important offense when it comes to college bars. There are far more pressing and disturbing issues that should be addressed. And fined. And fixed!

The Line
I don’t mind waiting in line if the bar is hopping – I’ll just sip my 40 while I wait – but making people stand in line when the bar is empty only to make it look cooler? That should be illegal.

Watered Down Drinks
I did not pay $7 for soda on ice; if I wanted that I would go to the McDonalds down the street and get unlimited refills for a dollar. If I order a Cran-Vodka, I want it to sting as it goes down, not taste like I could put in my 3 year old cousin’s sippy-cup. So stop filling my mini-cup with ice to make me think I’m getting more booze and tip that bottle in there. I’m paying you more for this one drink than a full bottle at the liquor store so stop being so damn stingy. Read More »

What is it about professors?

Usually, I’m not the kind of girl to find much older men attractive. I guess I just like ‘em bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I know it’s perfectly normal, and even expected, for women to date older men, but I don’t see the appeal of it. I’ll take Zac Efron over George Clooney any day of the week.

I just don’t get it when my friends talk about how hot George Clooney is. Isn’t he, like, 50? I mean, come on. His skin is so leathery I can almost smell it. And when Monica dated Richard on Friends, I cringed every time they kissed. Mostly because Tom Selleck looks like my Uncle Dennis, but still. Am I really supposed to find the bushy mustache sexy?

But then all that changed a couple months ago as I sat taking notes in class…

Maybe it’s his bifocals. Maybe it’s his silver hoop earring, or his penny loafers, or the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to Benjamin Bratt (with wrinkles and gray hair). But I’ve got a serious thing for my over-the-hill film professor. It doesn’t help that his name is Mark Robinson, which has inspired more than a handful of before-bed daydreams featuring myself murmuring the phrase, “Are you trying to seduce me, Professor Robinson?” as he slowly reveals his argyle knee socks.

The way he lectures is just so…passionate. I have honestly learned more in his class than I have in any other one this semester, and it’s not just because I show up to every class and hang on his every word.

The class meets every Tuesday night from 6:00 to 10:00. First we (passionately) discuss readings, and then we watch a film together. So in my deranged and perhaps delusional mind, Professor Robinson and I  have already been on several dates. What? … He turns off the lights, and he sits in the row RIGHT next to me! It counts. It does.

Shut up. Read More »

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so get to it. We’ll throw them in a future post!

(Two girls in the dining hall.)

Girl 1: God, I am seriously the best wing man ever!

Girl 2: Well, who’s your wing man?

Girl 1: (Pointing to her breasts and shimmying) I’ve got two.

(Man, woman, waiting in the lobby of a hair salon.)

Man (looking in mirror): What do you think? It worked for Wolverine, you know.

Woman: No. It wouldn’t work for you.

Man: It’s … it’s working already. Read More »

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.)

Guy: You girls don’t need your buns toasted, do you?

Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Girl 2: Heh heh. No.

Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns.

(Girl, on the phone, on a campus thoroughfare.)

Girl: I wish you didn’t have a penis!

(Beat)

Girl: Well, then I wish you would stop jerking off in the shower! Read More »

It’s been a long night. The only thing on your mind is throwing the 12 decorative pillows (that your mom insisted you buy) off your big comfy bed and burying yourself under that warm, fluffy blanket.

You fight to keep your eyes open as you take the elevator up to your room. As you round the corner and get closer to your room you grow more excited to kick off your shoes, peel those skinny jeans off your legs (you swear they weren’t this tight when you bought them…) and take a one way ticket to Snoozetown.

And then you see it. Scribbled on the dry erase board tacked to your door: come back later.

The writing is messy, but the message is loud and clear. Your roommate’s got a boy in there and you are not welcome.

Angry, you stand there for a few moments taking it all in. It’s late on a weeknight. Everyone else is already asleep. And how long have they been in there?  Where the hell are you supposed to go? When can you come back?

You scan the hallway. Yup, everyone’s doors are closed and the hall is quiet. You are going to have to find somewhere else to pass the time. You take the elevator back down to the study room on your dorm’s main floor. You’re exhausted, but you decide you’ll do a bit more reading and try the room again in a half hour.

When you walk in you find another student in there reading on a couch. Read More »

Every week I make a list. Not a grocery list or a to-do list, because I don’t really do groceries (Pad Thai take out, helloooo) and to-do lists are totally not my scene, if such a scene even exists. No, this list is a top ten-style countdown about the hard-hitting issues, like which mash-ups are the best ever.

This week, as a partner to The Ten Types of Guys at the Party, I’ve decided to include the female version. All in good fun, ladies! Who am I missing?

10. The Diva.
This girl is at the party, but she is DEFINITELY not trying to party. Pouting with her manicured fingers and heavily lined eyes glued to her cell, Diva will only speak to her tight-knit group of friends dressed in very similar outfits. She will not partake in any of the drinking games, she will not hook up with any guys and she will roll her eyes at those who do. Then she will leave an hour later to go off somewhere “cooler,” “more mature,” and just worthy of her time. 

9. The “Innocent” one
Dressed conservatively and drinking a microbrew or weak cocktail, this doll-faced darling looks like she’d rather be holed up in the library than at this very party. Wrong. She goes from “virgin” to skank in 3.5 drinks and will hook up with your boyfriend and cry about it later. Beware of the victim-playing. This girl is faker than her “leather” shoes and has run through more guys than Paris Hilton. Read More »

Hey! We can hear you!

You just spent 7 hours hunched over a laptop churning out a 12-page midterm paper. Your eyes are dry, your butt is aching from those wooden slabs they call chairs at your school, and the only thing you have on your schedule for this Thursday evening is catching up on some How I Met Your Mother on your DVR and a large bowl of Pad Thai. You slip into some sweats and curl up under a fleece blanket on the couch with a roommate and let the night of nothingness begin.

Two hours and a package of Soft N’ Chewy cookies later, your other roommate stumbles home with her boyfriend. They plop down on the couch next to you and start telling you about their night. Somewhere between their first beer and the tale of how her pizza fell on the ground, they start getting a little handsy. Soon, he’s running his hands through her hair and nibbling on her ear.

You roll your eyes at the other roommate and pray they’ll head back to her room soon so you can get back to Barney’s antics.

Finally, once Mr. Boyfriend’s hands start moving up your roommate’s skirt, she stands up and drags him to her room. When the door slams behind them, you breathe a sigh of relief that they are finally going to pass out, fire up the DVR and resume your regularly scheduled evening.

All is going well until you start fast-forwarding through some commercials. In the silence you hear laughter coming from the bedroom. It stops for a moment and then the Kings of Leon start flooding out from under the door. You brace yourself for what is sure to come next and turn the show back on, hoping it will drown out the sounds. But it only gets worse.

First it’s a moan.
Then some thumping.
More moaning. Read More »

Sophomore year I had gone through a bad breakup, things weren’t going so well with my roommate and my grades were plummeting. Long days running my frustration out at the gym and longer nights of drowning my sorrows in alcohol were really wearing down my system. I knew a breakdown was looming, but there was no predicting when or where it was going to happen.

Which was quite unfortunate for me.

I began to hang out with a freshman that I had known from my hometown. He was a good friend and I felt really comfortable with him. One weekend night, we had gone out to a party together and gone back to my dorm room after. My roommate was asleep in her bed and things between us were less than stellar, so me and the boy had to find another place suitable for… Well, you know. Read More »

Miss mom/dad/Fido? Do not go home! I repeat: DO NOT GO HOME!

Got questions? Hit me up in the comments or shoot me an email at melanie@collegecandy.com

I hear college is the perfect time to get a credit card. Should I trade in my debit for credit?
NO. Okay, so maybe the prospect of a limitless spending spree “for emergencies only” is a good idea in theory, but it really isn’t that great. You gotta pay that shiz off sometime, and that “sometime” comes with a giant interest fee.

Hold onto your debit card so you can only spend what you got. If you decide the perks of a credit card (airline miles! woooo!) are too good to pass up, make sure you get the lowest limit card possible and PAY IT OFF every month. Don’t do any of that minimum BS – that will only get you in big-time trouble down the road. Are those new Citizens/front row tickets to another DMB show really worth ruining your credit score? I think not.

I’m homesick. What do I do?
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do. And that is go home every weekend. DO NOT DO IT. This will only make you miss home more and won’t help you get adjusted to your new lifestyle at all. Keep in touch with your family and friends from back home, but try and branch out of your comfort zone. You went away to school for a reason – to become independent and to experience college life. Try and push yourself to stay on campus for a few weekends in a row and give mom and dad a call every couple days. To tell them how much fun you’re having. Cuz you will be. Read More »

You start off with a few rum and Diets at home before heading to the house party. You couldn’t possibly walk in sober and who knows how much access you’ll have to booze once you get inside? You’re sipping on your last pre-drink when your friends are finally ready to go, so you chug it and follow them out.

Upon arriving, you say your hellos and shove your way through the crowd to the keg parked in the backyard. You fill your blue Solo cup (“What? They make these things in blue!?”) then meet back up with your friends. You sip, you chat, then you wave your hand violently in the air when the party host asks who’s up for a game of flip cup.

You take your spot at the table, strategically placing yourself next to the very cute boy who lives there. You do a few practice flips, wet the table in front of you a bit for more cup traction and get ready for the game to start.

Seven rounds later, your team is victorious, you and your boy-toy are hugging it out and you’re feeling less than steady. Ok, so you’re drunk, but it’s good drunk. Perfect drunk. The kind that will easily take you through the rest of the night but still leave you feeling a-OK in the morning.

As you begin to walk away from the table to find your friends, the cute boy grabs you.

“Wanna take a shot?” He asks.

“Obvi,” you answer, smitten. Read More »