Only douchebags drink Ed Hardy Vodka

Here’s an analogy for you, try to channel those SAT study sheets. (Ew I know, worst memory ever.)

Intellectual is to Bookstore as College Student is to __________.

Yes, the answer is liquor store. On my weekly (OK, daily) visits I peruse the shelves searching for a hidden gem. A creamy liquor stuck in the back, a girly vodka that will be the life of Friday’s pre-gaming party session. I constantly find myself lost in the aisles emerging an hour later with nothing to show for it but a bottle of Smirnoff, because, let’s be real, a girl can dream but I’m on a college budget here.

But just like memoirs by celebs who have done absolutely nothing worth writing about (Paris Hilton anyone?) crowding Borders’ shelves, I find myself annoyed by the obnoxiously overpriced bottles of celebrity alcohols that have made their way into my serves-the-under-21-crowd corner store. As if infiltrating every other aspect of my life wasn’t enough.

Can’t a girl relax in a liquor store without having to fight her way through tacky advertising gimmicks and heart stopping price tags?

Apparently not. I think a couple of them are so obnoxious and unnecessary that they are worth a mention. And a cease and desist. And the winners are…

Dan Aykryod: Crystal Head Vodka

Oh goody, vodka in a crystal skeleton head!? I will definitely pay $50 for that. Not! I think I can get the same affect by stopping by the Halloween store pick up a couple plastic skeletons and dumping my $10 Svedka in it, thankyouverymuch.

Danny Devito: Limoncello

A tiny, bald man with a burger gut selling limoncello liquor. I don’t even really know what to say about this. I guess the acting career’s gone sour?

Ed Hardy: Vodka

The bottles are as tacky as the clothing line and I don’t need anything else triggering my gag reflex while I’m knocking em’ back. Send the rest of the inventory to Jon Gosselin and get them out of my liquor store.

Marilyn Manson: Mansinthe

He came out with his own brand of Absinthe? This explains a lot, actually.

Donald Trump: Trump Vodka

This actually isn’t that surprising. And I’m sure The Donald thinks this is the absolute best vodka in the world. Much like the best line of suits, the best hotels, the best celebrity reality show…

Lil Jon: Little Jonathan Winery

Urban rap star by day, wine connoisseur by night? Lil Jon may be sipping on Patron but Little Jonathan classes it up with a bottle of red. Let’s all gather around for a night of wafting, sipping and intellectual conversation.

Savana Sampson: Sogno Due Wine

Well fancy that, selling sex isn’t enough, she’s now selling alcohol. It’s actually pretty cheap (which makes sense considering so is she), but you just can’t beat a $4 bottle of Arbor Mist. Sorry, Savana!

Dr. Dre: Aftermath Congac

I suppose he has no choice since his music is so last century. But we’re not going to lie, his sparkling vodka that is in the works sounds pretty much like the most amazing thing ever.

Normally for the Weekly 10, I find myself counting down things that piss me off. You know, like phrases that suck and uninspired Halloween costumes. So I’ve decided to give you a mix tape for putting up with me airing my grievances Letterman-style.

However, this mixtape is extra mixy. I present to you: my top ten favorite mashups. Wikipedia defines a mashup as, “a song or composition created by blending two or more songs, usually by overlaying the vocal track of one song seamlessly over the music track of another.”  Basically smushing two songs together to make an even cooler one.

Yeah, I was inspired by last week’s episode of Glee; how could you not be? That show is so. damn. good.

Let me know if I missed any other greatness.

10. “Womanizer” Britney Spears & Lily Allen
Even if she “retired from music,” I still  heart Lily Allen and Britney will always have a special place in my heart. Mixing a little Lily with a lot of Womanizer lyrics? Spice Girls have nothing on fierce duo.

9. “Bittersweet Dirt Off Your Shoulder” Jay-Z & The Verve
Cruel Intentions finale song plus my fave, Jay? I’ll take it.

8. “Live Your Life, Punk” T.I., Rihanna & Vampire Weekend (Mixed by Party Ben)
Vampire Weekend and T.I.? Please tour together. I’d go. And I’d be very, very happy.

7.“Love LockDown Day N’ Nite” Kanye West & Kid Cudi
For the conflicted scenester/rapper in all of us.

6. “Halo and Walking on Sunshine” Performed by the cast of Glee.
The very song that inspired me to spend 6 hours searching for other mashups online and create this splendid list.

5. “Every Car You Chase” The Police & Snow Patrol (Mixed by Party Ben)
Unexpectedly amazing.

4. “Hotel Room Game” Lady Gaga & Pitbull
Yes, Lady Gaga is a crazy biatch. We love her anyway. We also love Pitbull. And he loves us back. Two super catchy pop songs, one even catchier mash-up.

3. Anything off the Grey album
Black Album (Jay-Z) + White Album (The Beatles) = Incredible. I guess that’s what happens when you put two music legends together. I love the song, “What More Can I Say” with “As My Guitar Gently Weeps,” but the whole album is simply amazing. Gotta love Dangermouse.

2. Girl Talk
Every song rules, can’t pick just one; Gregg Gillis is all kinds of brilliant.

1 and a half. “Stand Up and Ring My Doorbell” White Stripes and Ludacris (Mashed by DJ Riko)
Because I couldn’t narrow it down to just ten, especially when Ludacris is involved. Sick beat.

1. “Can I Get Get Low” Lil’ Jon and Junior Senior
Okay, so I may be a little biased because “Get Low” might be my song if I were to do a wedding “Forever” style. Kidding. Sorta. But seriously, blend this throwback Lil Jon with the bouncy Junior Senior and you get perfection. Not to mention it makes Lil Jon slightly more tolerable for people who don’t understand his artistic genius.

Life doesn’t come equipped with an orchestra. If your sexcapades, like your iTunes, are on shuffle, here are a few songs you probably don’t want on your playlist.

1. “Dat Baby”–Shawty Putt feat. Lil Jon

With a chorus of “Dat baby don’t look like me,” and an opening line, “Dat baby ain’t mine… I’m sorry, bitch you heard Maury,” this jam is an instant libido-killer. The last thing a guy wants to hear as he’s sliding into home base is “You are NOT the father!” Sure, you’re using protection, but condoms aren’t 100% effective…paternity tests, on the other hand, don’t lie. Besides, no woman wants to find out that her cute college hookup won’t take responsibility if an accident does happen.

2. “You’re Pretty When I’m Drunk”– Bloodhound Gang

You can kick yourself in the morning when you sober up and realize that the guy you brought home from the bar last night looks nothing like David Beckham (actually, he more closely resembles Danny DeVito), so you don’t need Jimmy Pop saying “I told you so.” Besides, lines like “I’m hungry like the wolf, but I’ll end up taming cattle,” and “it wouldn’t be the first time that I gave a dog a bone,” though satirical, are pretty harsh. As liberated, self-respecting women, we know we’re pretty when he’s sober, too, inside and out.

3. “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”– Sufjan Stevens

If you didn’t know that this song is about the infamous serial killer, you might think the gentle ballad sets the mood. However, if your ears perk up at the lines, “And in my best behavior, I am really just like him/ Look underneath the floor boards for the secrets I have hid,” you’ll probably get creeped out, and ask yourself how well you really know the guy who’s jamming his tongue down your throat.

4. “UR So Gay”– Katy Perry

Straight guys will go flacid as soon as Ms. Perry belts her titular accusation in the chorus. They won’t even listen to the following line, “you don’t even like boys.” Homophobic or not, men don’t like to have their sexualities questioned. Besides, the whole song is an angry letter to a shallow metrosexual. You would never want your lover to “hang [himself] with an H & M scarf,” now, would you?

5. “MmmBop”– Hanson

This song will actually probably cause many social situations to take a turn down Embarrassment Alley. If you’re a closet Hanson fan, that’s fine. But your guy might not appreciate your “special” quirks.

Any I missed?