Our friends over at TMZ got ahold of the Lohan family Christmas card (see it here) and despite LiLo’s unnaturally blonde hair, everything looks pretty normal. Too normal, in fact. Where is the drama? The framed restraining orders? The sleeveless mesh shirt?

Where is Michael Lohan?

Turns out he couldn’t make it to the family photo shoot because he was busy attending his court-ordered vacation at a rehab center in Florida. While I’d love to say that he’s a calm and rational man, capable of understanding why he was left out of the family card, I can’t.

So here are a few predictions on how I think he’ll react:

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Singing is a sensitive topic, and very few of us can really do it. Once, my best friends attempted to ban me from singing in the car… rude.

The issue is that some people use their fame to jumpstart a singing career that should never have even popped into their pretty little heads. Not everyone can make the seamless transition from acting to singing sensation like Jennifer Lopez (props girl!). Take a gander at these lovely ladies who sang, but really shouldn’t have. At least their career flops have resulted in hilarious music videos with some pretty terrible dancing. Bless their hearts.

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I can’t orgasm during sex….

J. Biebs did WHAT to the paps!?

Hahaha…this is funny

Male celebs who have jumped the shark

Guess who is hosting the mtvU Woodies

10 ideas for original theme parties

LiLo’s newest message to her crazy padre

To match or not to match makeup

Here’s the real reason they broke up

Are today’s teens less horny?

Do man crushes really exist?

Men dish on their best and worst gifts

7 period problems you shouldn’t ignore

The ultimate holiday movie mix-ups mash-up

Send some hilarious holiday cards

What does high fashion have to do with goodwill shopping?

This is seriously my new favorite song

LiLo is getting violent in rehab

Ryan Reynolds dishes on ScarJo

Last minute gifts from the drugstore

3 reasons he didn’t call you back

Start working out now if  you want to be fit in your 40s

Wanna see some reality stars fight?

Congrats LiLo!

Hot sex tips for the holidays

Makeup fails

Win an iPad!!!!

The best fragrances to buy a guy

People can’t stop talking about this XMAS card

8 things every girl should know about stds

7 celebs we’re so over

Taylor Swift admits WHAT!?

How sexbots will change the world

Hilarious photos

I want to give my boyfriend an ultimatum

When can I expect the guy to make the post-sex call?

Lilo gets a job!

Who is Natalie Portman’s newest sex scene with?

An open letter to NBC about their changes

Who censored Tina Fey’s speech?

A Facebook FAIL

Candy cane cocoa sounds amazing

If you like leopard, you’ll love these

Lilo reunites with her dad

Don’t get inked Harry Potter!

This girl has too much time on her hands

Great road trip movies you need to see

Is Michael Jackson’s new song real?

What kind of woman marries Joe Francis

I'm so.... tired.

And another one bites the dust.  It was announced today that Disney’s pop sensation Demi Lovato would be leaving her scheduled music tour with the Jonas Brothers and checking into rehab instead.  The official word is that she’ll be seeking treatment for emotional and physical issues, though insiders are saying her list of ailments include an eating disorder, cutting, and possibly a cocaine addiction.  So many achievements, and all before her 19^th birthday!  Looks like we might have another Lindsay Lohan on our hands with this one.

Seriously, though, what is it with Disney child stars coming completely unhinged at so young an age?  Demi is hardly the first to go from squeaky clean teen dream to coke snorting crazyface.  Though she’s got a while before working her way up in the ranks of Mickey’s family of train wrecks, God love her, she’s off to a good start.  Here’s what she’s up against:

Reigning Queen of the Disney Slums: Lindsay Lohan

I’ve lost count of how many times she’s been in and out of rehab, but despite her best mediocre efforts, something just isn’t working.  Is she there now, making another botched attempt at sobriety?  Is she in Kitson spending money she doesn’t have?  Is she at her on-again/off-again girlfriend’s house?  Is she famewhoring with her momager and 40 year-old little sister? Who knows!  One thing’s for certain, LiLo is absolutely not the precious redhead we fell in love with back in the Parent Trap days.

Princesses of Unplanned Pregnancies: The Spears Sisters

Both Britney and Jamie Lynn were Disney stars and both turned from southern sweethearts to white trash baby mamas.  Remember how wholesome Britbrit was back in her Mouseketeer days?  Well, throw in a little K-Fed and girl went weak at the knees.  Before long she was pregnant (twice), bald, and locked in the bathroom having a breakdown while holding her son hostage.  And JL?  Knocked up at 16 was hardly the route Disney was looking to take her show.  Thankfully she was fired before she could learn day drinking and mothering don’t mix.

Maiden of Naked Mirror Pics: Vanessa Hudgens

Sorry, hun, Photoshop wasn’t responsible for those scandalous pictures that spread around the internet.  Raging hormones, a full-length mirror, and a boyfriend who looks like (or is) Zac Efron would tempt any teen girl to snap some pics on her cell.  And in her case, those were exactly the culprits.  Let it be a lesson to the rest of you: panties on, phone down.

Village Idiot: Miley Cyrus

Let’s start by establishing that she’s 17.  From giving lap dances to men twice her age to grinding and writhing on the stages of seedy clubs all over the world, Destiny Hope Cyrus is just as tacky as her name implies.  I know, I know…all she wants to do is grow up and prove to everyone what an adult she is.  She grew up in the industry and is ten times savvier than I will ever be.  Okay.  She has a hot (and older) boyfriend with whom she may or may not be living.  Fine.  Her little sister is a bigger skankwhore than Miley will ever be.  True.  But still.  17, people.  She’s 17.

Missing- Petite Blonde with Horrible Extensions: Christina Aguilera

Sure, back in her Dirty days she did a brief stint in the horrifying land of Disney creations, but somehow girlfriend escaped.  Another Mouseketeer gone bad, Xtina shed her mouse ears for some assless chaps, a spray tan, and a music video that made a boxing fan of every man with access to MTV.  But from the depths, Ms. Aguilera clawed her way out.  She got a respectable haircut, married a nice Jewish man, and had a freakin’ adorable son, Max.  Cheers to the one who got away barely escaped.

So what have we learned here?  Well, for starters Disney breeds monsters.  Drunk, slutty, strung-out ones.  And if you’re in Mickey’s clutches, chances are you’re going to end up stumbling down the same path that you’re predecessors had previously puked and passed out on.  As Demi Lovato departs for some much-needed time in rehab, we can only hope she gets her mess together and seeks future employment elsewhere.

In fact, we don’t think she should ever step foot in jail even after she’s good and clean. It’s a total waste of time for everyone involved. (Well except TMZ. But we can’t always be looking out for them, you know?) We have a few other productive alternatives to Linds serving jail time –  things that will really teach her a hard lesson while also paying back her debt to society.

1. Make a Parent Trap Sequel – Not only was this the most action-filled, heartwrenching, laugh-till-it-hurts movie ever made, but it truly showcased just how talented Lindsay is when it comes to acting. She played two parts and totally had me believing that Annie and Hallie were two different people. Since Hollywood is updating every other movie ever made, we thought it would be great to get a 3D IMAX sequel in the works. Is Annie in grad school!? Is Hallie an ear piercer at a mall kiosk?! Not only are we going to catch up with our fave twinsies (sorry Winklevi Twins, you just can’t compete), but we’re going to get to see LiLo show off her acting chops once again. Because this time around, she’s playing all the parts. Hallie, Annie, Martin, Chessie, Mom, Dad, and yes, Grandfather.

2. Apologize for I Know Who Killed Me – Because before this film we were all on Team Lindsay. Mean Girls! Freaky Friday! PARENT TRAP! All I ask is that she log on to Twitter for a minute and say sorry. And refund my ticket money and my $9 movie popcorn. Oh, and give a personal apology to my 19-year-old sister who was my movie date. We had to have quite the talk after that movie.

3. Lock Ali Lohan in her Room – Mama Dina be damned. There’s no way we’re letting another Lohan into the spotlight. Yes, some damage has already been done. Yes, she’s posed provocatively and yes, she’s been on a reality show all about her mother’s desperation to make her famous. But no, we will not let her start sniffing (literally) around Hollywood for a chance to fill her sister’s shoes.

4. Go to college – A few years away from Hollywood stressing about sweat pant weight gain and final papers will give her a little perspective. Like remind her that not all 20-year-olds are clubbing with their mother, file restraining orders against their media-loving daddy, and fight over Aaron Carter (remember that?!). And she’ll definitely have her choice of colleges. I mean, her essay is going to blow the admissions committee out of the water. Forget that kid that did a community service teen tour and check out the girl who chased down her assistant at high speeds while high on cocaine.

5. Fan College Candy on Facebook – And no, we’re not just saying that for selfish reasons. We just want the best for our baby girl and there’s nothing better for a 20-something lady than our fan page. Especially because we’re giving away a beer pong table to one lucky fan. And Lindsay will need that for all the games of water pong that are in her future.

So yeah, if anyone knows the judge’s address, just send this along.

Is it bad that since reading of this new addition to the cast, my interest in the movie has dropped about 200%?  Mel makes my skin crawl.  Seriously, I know the dude wants to push “restart” on his career, but I can think of a bajillion other celebrities who deserve a second (or third, or fourth) chance to change their image more than a wife-beating, anti-Semitic a-hole.

Amy Winehouse
Not only is she legitimately super-talented, she writes songs with names like “F*ck Me Pumps.”  Talk about someone who deserves a chance to further pursue her art!  Those are bona-fide dance hits, without which our Thirsty Thursdays would be significantly duller.  There are only so many times you can shake your butt to “Apple Bottom Jeans,” but Amy’s “Rehab” is forever.

R.Kelly
When he’s not being gross, Mr. Kelly is actually pretty funny…whether he means to be or not.  “Trapped in the Closet” was an epic musical adventure that had me biting my fingernails with anxiety.  So maybe he touched minors inappropriately.  Give him one of those hot pink molester license plates, keep him away from parks and schools, but let the guy act!

Lindsay Lohan
Once upon a time, she was a cute little redhead with a twin.  Then God smote us all by revealing that that twin was merely cinematic trickery and that our favorite ginger had a cocaine problem and a crazy mother.  Ugh, unfair!  Hasn’t Linds has put in the time, people?  I mean, seriously, she actually put in time.  In jail.  And rehab.  Doesn’t she deserve a second chance to fill the hole she left in our Parent Trap-loving hearts?

Kanye West
Sure we love him since he started Good Fridays.  A new free Kanye track every week is pretty effing spectacular.  But his image still screams arrogant jerk, no?  Stick him in The Hangover 2 as an abused member of the hotel staff, perhaps sent on a mission to track down Taylor Swift CDs for Zach Galifianakis, and I think hilarity just might ensue.

Robert Downey, Jr.
Okay, fine.  So his drug problem is old news and his reputation has pretty much been restored.  Iron Man 1 and 2, Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, Due Date…it’s clear he can land a blockbuster movie.  But still, he’s hot.  Like really, really hot.  In that DILF kinda way.  They could have just thrown him in The Hangover 2 for a scene with Bradley Cooper to make the hearts of girls everywhere sparkle more than Edward Cullen in the sun.