Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian.

I repeat: Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian.

Yesterday, Gawker (a site usually so snarky and cynical they probably wear American Apparel clothes just to be ironic), posted an article about how the Lilo / Ronson lesbian affair might really be the real thing, and listed all these points that kind of prove the two are in a relationship. Their biggest piece of evidence? A picture on Sam’s MySpace page that shows her and Lindsay “kissing”.

See how I put the word kissing in quotes? That’s because the picture is pretty much the weakest thing I’ve ever seen. I have more passionate kisses with my Christian Bale poster that’s been in my bedroom since 8th grade. There’s more heat in a handshake than in that picture.

Lindsay Lohan is not a lesbian.

What she is, is media savvy. Everyone knows that the best way for a girl to get attention is to make out with another girl – high school and college parties prove this fact time and time and time and time again – and since Lilo obviously isn’t making movies that anyone cares about anymore, or has anything to say that anyone cares about anymore, the only thing she has left is being a hot lesbian.

Look. I went to college. I saw my fair share of 1 AM Lesbians (girls that get drunk and then “cuddle”, “hold hands with” and “kiss” a friend who happens to be a girl), and Lilo is a classic 1 AM L-er. Sam Ronson, she’s a lesbian. She was a lesbian before Lindsay, and she’ll be one after. Why she’s letting Lohan propagate the idea that lesbianism can be created overnight is a mystery to me, but whatever her role in all of this is, I’m sure she’ll come to her senses eventually.

Some people are probably going to tell me I’m wrong. That Lindsay IS indeed a lesbian, or at least bisexual. I will believe this when she just comes out and says it, and stops hiding behind vague wording. I will believe this when a real picture (because if this pic means she’s gay, then I must be gay too, since I always lean on my friends after a few too many gin and tonics) of her and Sam in a loving embrace appears. I’ll believe this if they stay together after the cameras stop snapping.

But unlike Gawker, as of yet, I don’t buy one ounce of the bullsh*t the media – or all those too-posed pictures – are selling.