I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Those of us who have little sisters know how annoying they can be (haha, love you Chloe!).  Those of us who are humans who participate in society know how annoying famous little sisters can be.  The most annoying of these are probably Ashlee Simpson (okay, the older sister is just as annoying…if not more so) and Jamie Lynn Spears (well…ditto).  But which one is more of a fame whore?  Which one can even be called a valid human being (j/k…sort of)?

Babies
Ashlee Simpson had a baby (with a really weird name). Ashlee Simpson is a baby.  I feel like if you and your husband both wear skinny jeans and excessively gel/dye your hair, you shouldn’t be having children.  Maybe she should be taking some cues from her sister and get some mom jeans up in there.

Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby.  Wait, she’s legal? Oh…nope!  Anyway, good job on her to take the heat off her crazy-ass big sister by ‘causing a ruckus and getting knocked up all southern style.  That’s dedication.  That’s love.

Point: Ashlee Simpson.  I’m not even sure she remembers she has a baby after all the time she’s been spending screaming at people in clubs and making crappy albums. Also, was anyone talking about her post reconstructive surgery and pre baby? Nope! Nice publicity stunt, Ash!

“Fame”
Ashlee Simpson sang some songs…wait, or did she act in something?  What does she do again?  I forget.  Generally that’s not a good thing if you’re famous and people don’t remember what you’re famous for except for your ability to lip sync, get booed off stages and get nose/chin/total makeover jobs.

Jamie Lynn Spears…does…nothing?  Like, seriously.  What does she do?  I think maybe she sings stuff…and has a Disney TV show.  But who doesn’t these days?

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. She literally does nothing and all her fame is due to her crazy big sister and her own pregnancy “scandal.”

Family
Ashlee Simpson has a crazy, controlling dad and a seriously misguided older sister (I swear, the buffalo wings thing…).  Ashlee could probably take the prize of being the most well-adjusted and “normal” in that family, considering what she had to deal with while growing up. Although, that might not be saying much…

Jamie Lynn Spears has a crazy older sister (really, really crazy) and a fame-hungry mother.  Considering the level of craziness that Britney Spears operates on, Jamie Lynn seems to have missed that genetic bullet.

Point: Ashlee Simpson. Her sister must have rubbed some of that brainless, fake-talent stuff on to her.

Talent/Career
Ashlee Simpson can’t sing (we all know that) and she can’t act, but apparently she can dance.  She was even admitted into the School of American Ballet.  Too bad she seems to be focusing on the “talents” that she doesn’t actually have, as compared to what she can do relatively well.

Jamie Lynn Spears can act (I guess) on a level that is acceptable for those who perform for the mindless preteens who watch the Disney Channel.  That’s about it.  Oh wait, her reproductive organs seem to be pretty talented…

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. As much as I hate to admit it, Ashlee Simpson actually had talent at one point. Jamie Lynn Spears just doesn’t.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Ashlee Simpson. Lack of any remaining talent + big ego + retarded name for baby (Bronx Mowgli??) + 500 other stupid things = Celebretard.  Sorry  Jamie Lynn, you need to be at least half a celebrity to get this prize.

I woke up this morning and had that blah feeling.

You know; when you just know the day is going to be bad, bad, bad. I tripped over my laundry basket on the way to the bathroom, ran out of hot water mid-shower, and decided to wear my hair curly only to find out that my gel was gone and I was forced to use crunch-causing mousse. Then I put on my favorite work outfit – black pants, white shirt, black cardigan – only to find out that my staple white shirt had a giant soy sauce stain right on the left boob pocket.

Damn you, sushi!

So, you can imagine my relief when I turned on my computer and found this gem in my in-box. Never has anything turned my frown upside down faster. What difference does a soy sauce stain make when you have this little troll awkwardly swinging her (HUGE) hands around as she lip syncs to her latest jam?

But stop. Watch it again, more closely. Notice the ever supportive Spencer back there? Yeah, the guy with the moves – I don’t even know if I can qualify that as dancing – talking to the Perez Hilton lookalike. Wait, is that Perez? What kind of event is this?

I don’t even know what to say. This video has left me completely speechless. I don’t want to admit it, but the first time I heard Heidi’s single (and didn’t know it was hers) I didn’t think it was half bad. But this, this “performance”, is hands down the most atrocious thing I have seen in a long time.

And I watched Michigan play Oregon.

Although I will admit I loved “With You”…which I’m listening to right now…

That’s the reason I love Jessica Simpson. Her music sucks and its horrible… and I love it. It’s the dance around in your underwear, want to be in love, lip-syncing in the mirror with a hairbrush type of music. It’s awful. It’s so awful you can’t help but love it. And I do.

But country?

Please, Jessica, spare me.

Your fake country accent in Dukes of Hazzard was worse than your fake tan at the CFDA awards. I grew up on country music and there are plenty of awful female country singers out there to go around. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t have “Redneck Woman” stuck in my head right now.

As everyone’s favorite teenager dad said, “Everything in the music business, especially pop music, has moved away from singers. And I think country is the only pure, storytelling kind of genre left.”

So Jessica has a story to tell, and apparently she wants to tell it through country ballads rather than bubblegum pop lyrics. Is one genre not enough for musicians these days? Do they have to do everything—not just movies and music but every music genre too?

You can’t just sing anymore. There has to be techno beats and rap duos and lines like “It’s Britney, Bitch.” And now country is the new pop. Ugh.

It’s fine to be experimental with your music, to try something different. But sometimes, you should stick to what you know (or what you kind of know…consdering past album sales…).

But apparently, since she’s from Texas, Jessica (or Joe) think that they know country.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see…

Yee Haw Pardner!