But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww.

Can you guys still have brainstorming sessions while in bed, please?  That is a beautiful relationship.  Nothing’s wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends! And since when was there an episode without it?

Crack an Egg and Mix it With in Someone’s Jealousy Problem with Serena
I don’t care what it is, someone is always jealous of S.  In this case, it’s me (I just want her freaking wardrobe, OK?), Juliet and the two Brooklyn b*tches. These girls want everyone against Serena so she can finally feel like an outsider like them.  So go ahead, Juliet – steal Serena’s Sim Card and continue to spend your days trying to ruin her life and pull her out of Columbia.  We get it, you weren’t born (in 1965) with a silver spoon in your mouth. But just know, you aren’t the first person to try to do this and you definitely won’t be the last. With that hair, that beauty, that body, and all that money, there’s always someone trying to steal Serena’s thunder. Wouldn’t be a tasty GG pie without it.

Sprinkle in Some Man Competition Between Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
These dudes have been competing for S since day one. Blah blah blah but they’re still friends blah blah blah. Blah blah blah let the best man win blah blah blah.  Nate wins. Blah blah blah. Dan wins. This is the ongoing love triangle and without it, what would Gossip Girl do with all her live video?? (The bigger question is, how does no one notice when someone is shooting live video of them?)

Let Ingredients Set for Three Hours and Go Shopping
Because Ducks and Dorota don’t compare to the Zen of shopping, right S?  When isn’t someone buying a new couture dress on Gossip Girl?

Add One Cup of Nate Saying Someone Thick
Like, “That doesn’t mean I love you, that means I love having sex with you.”

Mix All Current Ingredients With a Party in a Hotel
It wouldn’t be the perfect Gossip Girl without mixing together all of our lovely ingredients with a creative party at an expensive hotel.  Seriously, this is where the good shiz goes down.  Like figuring out what Little J looks like without all that eyeliner, who’s a saint or a sinner, a liar or a loyal friend, a good kisser or a bad kisser.  Hey J, don’t accidently kiss Lonely Boy!  No joke, I was nervous for a moment there and after the season we’ve had, I was pretty sure the GG writing team was going to let that happen.

Let Bake
Cook that freaky dish until it comes out with Serena’s life ruined, the entire Upper East Side against her, Nate and Dan besties with testies, Vanessa showing zero initiative, and Lily continuing to slam Rufus’ cooking.

Pleasant dreams sweet angels.

Until next time (in 2 [!!] weeks),
XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Do Columbia students not carry books?

Have you ever been so excited for something – counting down the minutes, planning your day around it, fantasizing about how amazingly awesome it is going to be, turning off your cell phone so you won’t be interrupted – only to be totally disappointed? Yeah, welcome to the day I lost my virginity my Monday night.

So thanks for nothing, Gossip Girl.

After Chuck’s brazen (and dare I say super sexy) declaration of war during last week’s episode, I was chomping at the bit to see how things would go down. As each day passed, I got more and more excited for my Monday night date with Chuck and the rest of the UES crew. I had dreams (that are too inappropriate to divulge here) about me, Chuck and his private plane. I had visions of a Chuck and Blair reunion. I wrote aggressive emails to the GG writing staff to push Juliet out of a window at the top of the Empire….

And then, 60 boring minutes and a bag of pretzel M&Ms later, I was bitter and angry…and really thirsty (seriously, what is it with those M&Ms?). What was it that was getting my granny panties in a bunch?

Dan and Vanessa Fight:
SHOCKER! It’s been, what, 10 minutes and they’re already having another relationship-altering altercation? About Serena?! And Rufus is trying to give advice? NO. NO WAY. SAY IT AIN’T SO! THIS COUPLE NEVER FIGHTS!

OK so, yes, this one was a bit more exciting because it wasn’t about some boring NYU writing program or an illegitimate child. And it was the result of some serious scheming on Juliet’s part. But still. It’s another fight. And another break up. And…zzzzzzz.

Chuck and Blair Battle:
I’ll admit, seeing Chuck’s sexy evil face was the highlight of my night. And his whole “I’m not trying to make a point, Blair. This is just a warm up. Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I’m going to be there to take it away from you. I wont stop until you have nothing” speech was sexy as hell. But Blair trying to impress a feminist professor by SETTING HER UP ON A DATE WITH A MAN? And Chuck swapping out that man for a lesbian with a great scarf?

Really? That’s the best you people can do? This is Chuck Effing Bass and Blair Waldorf (creator of ‘Blair Waldorfing’)! To say I’m disappointed in both of their performances is like saying that I only kinda like Dorota. Yeah, major understatement.

Serena has an STD:
First, what a lame ass GG rumor. Second, was this an episode of Gossip Girl or an after-school special about safe sex? (Or an add for Tiffany and Co.’s key collection?) And, on a completely unrelated note, this is New York City; how hard is it for Serena to hail another cab when that man-whore keeps stealing hers every morning?!

Every Girl in NY is More Pathetic Than The Other:
Blair’s minion is willing to turn on her and sell her out to Chuck Bass. Vanessa doesn’t trust her boyfriend, no matter how many times he explains himself, so she agrees to steal Serena’s phone to snoop. Some Columbia professor (who is allegedly a feminist) is willing to accept bribes (in the form of single and rich men) in exchange for a student assistant position. Nate falls for Juliet’s lies every. single. time.

Oh, right. Nate’s not a girl. Although you wouldn’t know it – the guy is such a naive wuss.

It’s enough to make you throw your cell phone. And since I’m on my third iPhone this year, I’m glad mine wasn’t within grabbing/chucking distance. Honestly, the only 30 seconds of last night’s Gossip Girl that was worth watching was the scenes for next week. Did you see it?

The thick, black eyeliner?
The long, straggly hair?
The sourpuss look?

That’s right, kids – J Humph (and the dramz) is BACK. And if that’s not enough, she’s bringing the big guns (like TIM GUNN) with her.

Let’s just hope she also brings Gossip Girl back to it’s former glory. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the girl.

There are three things in life that I don’t buy:

1. Bumpits
2. Heels that are taller than 4 inches
3. Lily van der Woodsen’s stupid story about being sick and needing a doctor and the only one that she could find was her sexy, rich ex husband even though she lives in New York City, where some of the best doctors in the world reside.

Oh, and thongs. I don’t buy thongs either.

Let’s just reflect. Lily gets cancer, doesn’t tell her husband, runs into the arms of her ex-husband and stays in a hotel with him “getting treatment” for months at a time, all the while lying to her waffle-making house-husband back home. Then this miracle doctor follows them back to New York where he comes up with some convoluted story about how he was absent for 14 years and then couldn’t see Serena because he was dealing with doctor-patient confidentiality with her mother?

Does this seem totally ridiculous to anyone else? (Besides the obvious fact that Dr. van der Woodsen is a skinnier Jack Donaghy and I was just waiting the entire episode for Liz Lemon to pop in and yell “deal breaker!”) What sort of power does this guy have over these two women that make them completely throw any sense of reason out the window?

And what is it about him that makes Serena talk to him like she’s trying to lure him into bed? That’s her father for god’s sake. Watching those two have coffee made me more uncomfortable than sitting in too-tight jeans at the end of freshman year. And let me tell you, that was painful. I lost feeling in my feet!

But that’s not the only thing that had me squirming in my seat. Little J’s nappy extensions pathetic attempts to to get freaky with Nate were pretty hard to watch as well. Seriously, girl, get a brush. I admit, Chuck’s plan to push Nate and Serena apart was pretty solid, but Jenny just couldn’t make it happen and her meltdown was Awkward City. She made a complete ass of herself in front of both Nate and her step-sister; not even Rufus’s waffles can fix that sitch.

I’m just hoping the rumors are true and Little J won’t be returning much next season. I just wonder how they’re going to get rid of her. Will she go on a post-Nate bender and be sent off to rehab? Will she run back into Damien’s arms, finally do the deed and get pregnant with his drug baby? Will Rufus and Lily get divorced, sending Jenny back to Brooklyn where she’s so embarrassed she packs up her extensions and black eye shadow and skips town?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. At this point, the only things I’m certain about when it comes to Gossip Girl is that Blair will never wear a pleather jacket again, Chuck will always wear that pinkie ring and Rufus will always remain Lily’s little bitch.

Everyone knows Gossip Girl is not real. Unlike “The Hills” and “The City,” who try to play themselves off as reality, Gossip Girl is simply a scripted indulgence with a little over-the-top drama peppered in…every 5 seconds. Still, though, sometimes I’d like to think that this show, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, maintains some semblance of what life is really like on the Upper East Side of New York City. That there really are people up there like Blair, Chuck and Damien. (OK, I think we all know there are people out there like Damien…there are a few of them living on my block.)

But last night’s episode made that nearly impossible. It was chock (Chuck?) full of obvious inconsistencies that took me back to the days of Saved By The Bell – The College Years, when I thought everyone was BFF with their RA (who looked like a wrestler) and could share a mega sweet with their friends from home. Let’s take a look:

1. Nate and Serena’s steamy kitchen love sesh. Not only did Serena come out looking hot in an oversized shirt that would more likely fit Nate’s dad than Nate’s teeny little boy body, but it just so happened that the fridge (the same one Nate “didn’t even know we have”) was fully stocked with foods that would make for the steamiest of sex scenes: whipped cream (in a bowl, not a can), strawberries, caramel….

And why is it that the Nate and Serena sex scenes are so ridiculously hot? (Just me? I guess I did have half a bottle of wine before the show started, but DAYUM, that ish was hot.) What about Chuck and Blair? Or Dan and Vanessa? (We’ll get to them in a momento…)

2. Chuck Wears a Pinky Ring. And, somehow, Blair still loves him.

3. NYU Dorm Party. The last “dorm party” I threw was in my room with the doors locked, making my friends whisper so the RA couldn’t hear us getting drunk. Maybe things are a bit different in the NYU dorms, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have giant theme parties with cocktails and one of those cheesy cut-outs where you can stick your head in for a photo. Seriously, the only realistic thing about that entire party was that Dan and Vanessa sucked face behind the photo wall.

4. Serena Needs to Be Alone. So Serena sticks her nose in Chuck’s business (shocker) and invites his mother to lunch. Chuck writes her a check, she takes it, Chuck hates Serena, Blair reminds Serena that she only meddled because of her own daddy issues. Blah, blah, blah, Serena needs to be alone.. and a cab just pulls up to whisk her away. Have you ever been to NY? I have, and I promise you it is never that easy to hail a cab.

5. Dan and Vanessa wanna “just be friends.” It’s a great idea – best friends who get naked together but don’t let things get too serious – but that’s as likely of happening as me going another month without drinking. Read: things are going to get ugly, complicated, awkward, etc. And someone is going to get hurt.

Also, how could Vanessa ever hook up with a guy who looks so damn weird in a navy ‘beater? I shudder just thinking about it.

6. Jenny and Damien. OK, on second thought, the 15-going-on-30 thing is believable, as is the fact that she got roped into dealing drugs by a cute older guy with a slight obsession with hair gel.

See? Unrealistic. But, that doesn’t take away from the dramz or my love for the show. I was still so happy to see Chuck and his mama hanging out (he smiled!), even if I don’t believe the woman is 100% good. And I, once again, wanted to shake Little J and remind her that she’s so much cuter when she’s not playing the rebel. And I’m a sucker for the Rufus and Lily drama. And Serena and Nate? I can’t wait to see more of them (or, uh, more of their sexy times).

And speaking of sexy time…. is little J gonna have some next week with the pill pusher? We’ll find out!

I LOVE HILARY DUFF! Ever since the days of Lizzie McGuire I’ve been a fan. And when I say “fan” I mean “I cried at the Lizzie McGuire movie when she finally kissed Gordo.” Sigh. I also love her music, her style and her sister (but only in Napolean Dynamite). Anyways, it was obviously another week in Gossip Girl heaven for me when she finally showed up at NYU to buy Dan some gross street coffee. (I once heard there is lots of rat poop in those carts…but I digress.)

Duff stars as Olivia Burke, a young movie star trying to live a normal college life. Of course, the first person she meets is Dan Humphrey.  While it may have been slightly predictable, giving Dan another dramatic blonde girl to go after, I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the two of them have coffee. They were so cute, so happy. She’s Dan but with boobs and a great wardrobe…and a successful career as a movie star with a bitchy publicist….

If only we all didn’t know that Georgina is waiting in the wings to mess it up, Single White Female style.

Speaking of Satan Georgina, while she’s gone being all shady in Boston, Blair uses the alone time to wallow in self-pity, pining away for her days as Queen Bee. And I have to say – this was hard to watch. That’s our Blair - the strongest, most confident girl we all know – and she’s acting a fool. She reminded me of those kids from my high school who still wear their letterman jackets now, 3 years later. She looked pathetic heading back to Constance now that she’s a college girl.

Thank God Chuck intervened and reminded her who she was (and surprised us all once again by showing how sweet and caring and perfect he is. I want my own Chuck, dammit). I didn’t want to see Blair 10 years from now hanging out outside the school, buying the younger kids liquor and telling stories from her glory days… Instead, I’m going to see her and her 3 new friends (by far the best dressed clique in college history) take on the patchoulli-smelling, sandal-wearing student body at NYU.

[Insert evil laugh here. And here.]

I am glad to have my bitchy Blair back. The same bitchy Blair that clearly taught Little J well. Now that the older girls are gone Jenny is on top of the school, despite her attempts to ditch hierarchy and headbands. She can’t fight the need for some structure in the social scene and eventually takes her place on top. And girrrrl, it fits her better than that tight little number she wore down the red carpet at the movie premiere. Let’s just hope all that power doesn’t go to her tousled little head.

Oh, and we have to talk about Serena, don’t we? And that means we have to talk about crazy-eyes, Tyra Banks getting all up in my Monday night shiz. I swear, if Hilary Duff hadn’t been in this episode and if Chuck hadn’t given the “I told you I loved you and you can’t win over these NYU minions?” speech, I would be all sorts of angry. I don’t need to see Tyra in anything but ANTM – there are no opportunities on GG to smile with your eyes, so clearly this is not her place.

Anyways,  after finally informing her mother that Brown is not the place for her this year, Serena tries to get a job and discovers (shocker!) that you need a college degree to get one. She ends up falling into PR and working with the one and only Tyra Banks. Yeah, yeah – this was supposed to be some overly dramatic actress named Ursula, but she played it so well….

Too well.

Serena ends up learning some valuable lessons, blah, blah, blah, wears some cute outfits, blah, blah, blah, and that’s that. No Carter Basin. No sexy Carter Basin. What the eff is up with that?!

It’s OK, though; the episode ended on a high note and has definitely come back from its season premiere let down. I can’t wait to see Little J in power, Georgina’s return to evil and whatever goes down at the Lily/Rufus wedding.

Until next week…

You know you love them.
XOXO.

GGR
(Gossip Girl Recapper)

I love Gossip Girl. Ever since I heard Kristin Bell’s first “xoxo” back in 2007, I’ve been hooked. GG’s got it all: drama, scandal, hot men, and adorable outfits. The thing about those outfits, however amazing they may be, is that they can be super expensive. So, when I heard that Anna Sui was designing a Gossip Girl inspired collection for Target, I had high hopes and was immediately excited. I even contemplated camping out at my neighborhood Target American-Idol-style the night before the line was released. But after spotting the collection online, I’m torn.

Love it:

Variety – I love that Anna decided to make a collection that showcases the style of all four Gossip Girl ladies: Blair, Serena, Jenny, and Vanessa. With the GG line, you have the opportunity to mix and match with different pieces inspired by each character, or just pick your favorite. I don’t know about you, but some days I’m a Blair and the next I’m Vanessa, so I like a collection that takes this change in style into account.

Price – Though specific prices for Anna’s collection haven’t been announced yet, it’s making it’s debut at Target, so it will definitely be budget-friendly. I might have loved the Marc Jacobs Joelle dress that Blair wore to the white party, but I most definitely do not like the price tag, or the fact that it is now sold out.

Wearability – Although I would love to be able to prance around campus in 5 inch stilettos and shirts dresses everyday a la Ms. Van Der Woodsen, it just is not practical for me. Short hemlines + tall shoes = disaster waiting to happen. Luckily though, Anna Sui found a way to emulate S’s (and B, Little J, and V’s) style in a more everyday fashion. It would be so easy to pull on any of these dresses over tights, leggings or a hot pair of socks and make them your own.

Loathe it:

Translation – Although the collection has some great looks, many of the pieces seem to have been lost in translation, or don’t fit the character’s they were inspired by. Whether this was an attempt to keep costs down, or if the design team only watched a few episodes of Gossip Girl, I’m not sure. Whatever the case though, some of these outfits are just plain weird. Serena’s outfit with the fitted bermuda shorts with bows and a vest, Vanessa’s puffy vest, Jenny’s textured tights and tie-up shirt, and pretty much all of Blair’s looks just don’t get it right; something’s off. (Perhaps the designers?)

Lack of pants – Gossip Girl by Anna Sui (or whatever they’re officially calling this line) undeniably offers some great skirts and dresses, but that’s pretty much it.  What about the skinny jeans? Shorts? Leggings? I realize that most of the outfits on the show are feminine and formal, but Serena, Vanessa, and our favorite bad girl Georgina most definitely rock pants from time to time.

Vanessa’s Looks – Why oh why are all of V’s outfits the same shades of brown, orange, and yellow?! Though she doesn’t have an Upper East Side sense of style, Vanessa’s outfits on the show are still colorful and generally pretty cute. Or at least different! Liquid leggings, a denim mini, and hot pink patent Doc Marten’s? That’s Vanessa. 70′s print orange and brown? Not so much. This girl loves neon!

So, Anna’s line is definitely slightly flawed, but it’s also the closest I’m ever going to get to an UES wardrobe. I’m so torn. What do you think??

XOXO,
CollegeCandy Girl

To me, a lot of characters regressed in this ep. I’m not shunning last night’s 43 minutes of soapy rich-kid-ness, just making an observation. When we first met Serena, she was a former party-girl elitist who was trying to make a fresh, less-shallow start. Yet, last night, S was all about being the “cool kid” once again, no matter the cost of Jenny’s feelings. She plans a Sweet Sixteen bash for Little J, and then is obviously hurt when celebutante Poppy smirks at her social calendar. Haven’t you grown beyond that, Serena?

Jenny, after dabbling in the high-class fashion biz for a few eps, wants a low-key, family-only party (complete with Rufus’ famous homemade chili), and Serena concedes. Until the lame-o cliquesters announce that they had their own party planned all along. So, unbeknownst to birthday girl Jenny, Serena decides to reinstate the bash she’d originally planned. How second-season Blair of you, Serena.

Meanwhile, Vanessa and Nate are on the rocks while Blair tries to rekindle an old flame. Vanessa and Nate have a rather yawn-worthy breakup sesh, and Blair seems set on getting Nate… or is she really just set on getting someone a bit safer than Chuck? This leads to Vanessa allowing her own integrity to plummet, when she snogs the ever-ready Chuck to make both Nate and Blair jealous at Jenny’s big bash. I loved when Nate called V out on succumbing to Blair’s old games.

Blair herself has a childish scene in which she throws Nate on the bed and insists that he’s not leaving until they figure out if they are just friends or not. I mean, yes, throwing Chace Crawford on a bed is every girl’s dream, but who comes up with lines like that? Blair is the creme de la creme, yet she’s suddenly chasing her ex like an attention-starved puppy. WTF, B? You’re better than that!

Now, as any GG fan knows, every episode revolves around some sort of shindig. Last night, Jenny’s 16th was the big soiree. And last night was also the first night that the party actually looked like a high school bash. And by high school bash, I mean cheap keg party, which sends Poppy packing (apparently socialistas frown upon table dancing and unprotected sex in neighboring bedrooms?) Feeling bad for Serena’s awful life, she later invites S to Spain for the week. Because that’s always my solution to drunk girls table dancing at my friend’s house.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Did anyone else feel bad for Jenny when both the Van der Woodsen AND Humphrey clans ganged up on Jenny on her own bday? Even Eric! Yeesh.

So basically, Serena acted like an attention whore, Jenny rebelled by inviting the entire freshman class, and Blair pursued Nate like an insecure tween. With several random plot lines scattered in between (apparently the supposedly dead illegitimate son of Lily and Rufus is trying to reach out to Dan. What?!).

Because I am a tried and true Chuck Bass fan, I have to say I like where the Vanessa-Chuck subplot is going. They clearly had some chemistry at the beginning of the season, and now they are putting up fronts to find excuses to shack up. Now THIS is the juice I love in my GG eps! For real- when Vanessa was trying to sneak out and told Chuck that “last night didnt’ happen,” Chuck replied with,”Then neither did this,” and gave her a passionate, morning-breath smooch. They are so falling in love.

Honestly, I thought they could have ended the ep right there, but instead they had to depict the Nate-Blair rekindling, which obviously isn’t going to work out. I think they should just rename the series, “Chuck Bass Weekly” and go from there.

Anyone else feel my sentiments? Or blatantly disagree?