America’s Got Talent: 9-Year-Old Boy Continues Quest For World Domination/Reality Show Fame

image3754149g.jpgDavid Militello is adorable…so adorable that the earth may implode under the weight of his toothy grin and little kid high-notes. Little David auditioned for America’s Got Talent awhile back and made it through to Las Vegas, the AGT equivalent of Hollywood Week.

Before he left, The Hoff made this prediction/menacing threat:

“He is going to steal the hearts of every American watching the show.”

That prophecy came to fruition during last night’s two-hour Vegas episode. The judges whittled the 113 acts down to 60, and on Thursday they’ll cut 20 more before the pool of contestants is set for the live episodes.

David upped his game and with two minor additions that made it impossible for the judges to send him packing; a little tuxedo, and an alliance with the youngest contestant in the competition, Kaitlyn Maher. Separate they are just two cute little kids, but put them together (holding hands no less!) and the viewing public is powerless. The two little ones beat out individuals three times their age (in their own age bracket no less) and both moved on to the semi-final round. But were we surprised? Voting them off would be like putting Milo & Otis to sleep. Read More »

It’s Derrick Bitch: America’s Got Talent Season Premiere

The season premiere of America's Got Talent was a mixed bag filled with cocky British judges, bad singers, sob stories and the occasional flashy outfit. I sifted through two hours of mediocre entertainment, anxiously awaiting the "real talent" to show itself. No puppeteers, no sh*tty freak shows, and if I saw one more person who thought they could dance I was going to punch my TV through the wall. To the outside observer, not only does America lack talent, we lack the wisdom to know better.

But I was rewarded for my patience. Not by the four-year-old girl who stole everyone's heart but by Derrick Barry.

This guy looks better than Britney on her best day, airbrushing and all. He may not be as talented as the blubbering opera singer or the vindicated baton twirler but man can he work a pair of leather pants. Finally a good excuse to shout out, Fierce Hot Tranny Mess!

From Home, Sick to Homesick

24325354.jpgThere comes an age when you realize the difference between homesick and home, sick.

Homesickness happens after moving out of state. You miss the backyard you grew up in, your family and friends, whatever it may be that just isn’t the same in your new digs. Home, sick happens when you’re too hungover to function or you’re legitimately ill, sometimes even ill due to the hangover. Most importantly, home, sick, as an adult, is when you realize how great it was when your parents were there to take care of you. Home, sick leads to homesick.

Maybe it was because I have no siblings, but my parents upped the love when I had what my father referred to as “the punies,” always pronounced with an exaggerated pout and a pat on the head, whether I was six or sixteen. He’d then quickly step away and make an x with his index fingers. “Love you, but I don’t want it,” he said, shaking his head sadly. Read More »

I See London, I See — Your Shenis?

shenis• As if popping and squatting isn’t awkward enough, now we have — the Shenis! Impressive, no? (Jezebel)

• For 3 hours this Saturday there are going to be a lot of angry fat kids. We should probably be a little nervous. (MSNBC)

• Who needs a masculine jock-y boyfriend when you can just drink man-flavored sweat soda? Mmmm. (Business Week)

• Penn State is bullying little kids out of using their logo. Cause you know, using a dangerous looking animal as a mascot is an original PSU idea. (Fredericksburg.com)

• Going to attempt to cram 50 dressed-up classmates into your dorm this Halloween? Of course you are! Here, we did a little shopping for you! (NerdApproved.com)