Every week I count backwards from ten. I know, I’m kind of a big deal. Usually these countdowns have a theme like which phrases really grind my gears (“grind my gears” should be mentioned) or how I’m still effing sober, despite the fact that I could really go for a dirty martini right now.

I know it’s early, stop judging.

This week, in light of the ever-riveting Emmys, I’ve decided to countdown the ten primetime ladies that I wish I could be in real life. Most of them are from currently aired shows, but of course I had to let some of my canceled favorites slip by.

10. Cuddy – House
Who wouldn’t love to work with the ever lovable Dr. House? Cuddy is a complete non-pushover HBIC (look it up) who always looks fierce. And her hair is never out of place! Unlike that awful Cameron. Barf.

9. Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development
Why did this show get canceled? Why? I hope one day to be Lucille when I’m a “Gangy,” dirty martini in hand and Chanel skirt suits never out of place. Hopefully I’ll be slightly less mentally damaging to my family, though. Slightly.

8. Heidi Klum – Project Runway
The only non-fictional character on the list. This one’s a no brainer. Except I’m not sure how I’d go home to Seal every night.

7. Pam – The Office
I’m not a huge Pam fan. In fact, I was totally Team Karen while she was on the show. But, she has Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) and that’s all I need. Read More »

Watch the Couric/Palin interview here. One word: Oy.

Suri Cruise has no friends.

Parents just don’t understand….

Drew Barrymore eats Ed Westwick’s face.

McCain cancels on Letterman…tsk tsk tsk.

Justin Long can’t seem to hold onto a lady.

Apparently the 90210 girls DO eat!

Britney Spears channels Posh Spice.

Kirk Cameron is making a comeback.

Threesome for LiLo and Sam…and Mickey Mouse.

Looks like Hef’s Viagra ran out… he loses another one.

Is Tina Fey a bad role model for women?

Michael Lohan’s thoughts on Samantha Ronson and her toilet paper preferences.

Perez Hilton writes a song. If you value your sanity, do not click here.

Who you gonna call?

Harvard grad proves grade inflation really does exist

Can’t…stop…watching

Finally, the rest of the world realizes America’s Next Top Model is boring

To sleep or to lift, that is the question

Maybe Liz Lemon will finally get some designer duds now!

Take that, obnoxious Mac Guy

What doesn’t kill me…might just ruin me

50 Sexiest Music Videos of ALL TIME, people!

Amy Winehouse loves her Jack Daniels…48 times over

Perhaps I’m glad that I’ll maybe, just maybe, have the last say about 30 Rock, and politely disagree with Robert Bianco’s recent review of the show. OK, that’s ridiculous. I won’t have the last say, but at least I can respond to Bianco’s false USA Today-y opinion that 30 Rock is woefully on the decline. First, as a T.V. viewer and fan of 30 Rock, I think it’s a shame that the show is ending early, and I look forward to its return next season. So, with that said, I’ll begin my letter.

Dear Mr. Bianco:

What is wrong with you?

1) Demographics:

You are terribly presumptuous in thinking that the show only appeals to a younger audience (20s and 30s age range). The demographic is wider than you would think — haven’t you noticed the subtle ways they’ve advertised baby diapers, baby toys, etc.? Obviously appealing to the baby demographic, which you failed to consider when writing your critique.

My ol’ granny lives in a nasty retirement home. It smells like urine, but that’s not the point. My ol’ granny watches 30 Rock all the time. Perhaps that’s anecdotal, but I’ve been over there many times, and enjoyed an episode out in the main area with a bunch of other old peeps. They all laughed, just like my infant cousins laugh at the show. We all know (that means you), that when my granny and my infant cousins laugh at something, it’s universally funny. Read More »

Tina Fey is far funnier than Sarah Silverman. While I applaud both women, Ms. Fey’s comedy is more polished, snarkier, and smarter. I like Sarah Silverman and was disappointed when Comedy Central stopped playing her show. I think if they’d given it some more time, I might think differently about Ms. Silverman’s abilities.

Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s funny. Trust me, I’m all about crude. If you’re a lover of Cervantes, Rabelais, Boccaccio, etc., you gotta be crude to appreciate those dudes. And that’s just a short, short list of the classics that abound with ribaldry – I’ll spare you the list of contemporaries (and for me, an index of “contemporaries” begin in the nineteenth century).

To be sure, I like that both these comediennes are crude. Again, I think it’s clear that I appreciate and relish vulgar forms of humor, but Ms. Silverman’s whole shtick is simply too unrefined, and that bothers me. Again, I’m not blaming her for being “less” funny than Ms. Fey, as I blame the fact that her show wasn’t allowed to blossom. I hope she’ll find another niche, say HBO, and she’ll have a similar show, and her weirdness and crudity will be put to the test, and for more than just a few seasons. Read More »