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Boyfriends. Best friends. Homesickness. They’re all reasons to abandon dorm life for the greener pastures of your childhood home, but is it the right move for you? Sure, lazy weekend mornings spooning with the BF while your mom does your laundry may sound like the dream, but nursing a hangover and nommin’ on some cafeteria grub with the gals can be pretty great, too.

This week, Marysa addresses one reader’s concerns about moving out of the dorms. Wresting with this issue yourself? Have you dealt with it in the past? Leave your own insights in the comments below.

To submit a question of your own for Marysa to answer, email us at editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com with “Ask A Roommate” in the subject.

Like most freshmen, I came to college with relics celebrating my high school life. Picture frames of my friends cluttered my desk while my best-guy-friend-turned-boyfriend stayed stitched into my heart: we had started dating weeks before our senior prom, and I felt like I had been living in a fairy tale ever since. He was funny, romantic, encouraging and close to his family, he was everything I ever wanted. And even though my parents didn’t approve and we were accepted to different universities, we decided to continue our relationship into college. I mean, he was only a hundred miles away, a distance easily diminished by a weekend train ride.

It worked out wonderfully. He drove down on Friday afternoons for dates that lasted until Monday mornings; he got along with all my new friends and we all frequented my college town’s hotspots together. We were both glued to our phones throughout the weekdays and we Skype’d at night while we fell asleep alongside our laptops. Against so many external odds, I was successfully maintaining a long-distance relationship. It was “perfect,” and I couldn’t remember a time when I was happier.

After a year and a half of sweet texts and weekend getaways, my boyfriend made the decision to leave his four-year university and attend our hometown community college. He moved out of his apartment and back into his parents’ house at the same time I transitioned from a single dorm room to a bunk bed – in a room shared with two other girls. There goes our privacy! Even more so, my parents had dished their disapproval of my love life to me all summer, telling me that I was so young and holding myself back. But he was really good at relationships: he always put in the work to solve problems, reassured me of our relationship and made sure we were happy together. So I defended him to others, even though I was starting my sophomore year with a new part-time job and an exciting internship opportunity.

And even though I was busy, tired and over-committed, I felt myself starting to get restless. I mean, college is supposed to be that time where you find yourself, right? Yes, and I was. I was finding that the person I came in as a year ago may not be who I was anymore, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that…

…but I did. It’s not that I wasn’t happy with us, but it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I felt guilty for wanting out of a relationship in which there was nothing wrong, at least nothing worth ending it all for. I was eighteen years old and with who I thought was “the love of my life,” the greatest guy I imagined I’ll ever meet and someone who could make a great husband and father someday. I shouldn’t want to break up with him; I should make sure I hold on to him until I want to married, even if that isn’t for a very, very long time! Right? At the beginning of the relationship, these facts were a dream, but it had eventually turned into a nightmare. And I cowardly thought that the only way out was to make him leave first.

So I cheated on him. It was a stupid, impulsive action with a friend of a friend and it only happened once.

I wish I had been brave enough to just break up with him before I did it; for that, I’m forever apologetic. Even though our relationship was so great, I now believe that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. But even so, here’s the forgotten obvious: my boyfriend and I didn’t have a reason to stop being together, and none of us could see that there also weren’t any reasons left to stay together either – and that alone is a completely valid reason to leave.

First love dies hard, but I look back on that relationship with irreplaceable memories and without hard feelings: just because a relationship ends badly doesn’t mean the relationship itself was bad. Afterwards, I put down my cell phone, got closer to friends, had other relationships and seized the rest my life – free of the guilt I used to have for seizing my college experience while he was complaining about his own, switching schools and moving back home. I did so many things I would’ve probably never done if we were still together, on our way to planning a wedding and brainstorming baby names. Again, I’m not saying that cheating was the right thing to do. It was wrong, but I did do it. Call me a slut and a whore and whatever else, but I will still always know that the worst thing that I’ve done to someone else turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself. And I’ve never been happier.

What do you think? Does cheating always mean that the cheater is intentionally hurtful, or are there times when it’s also a reflection of the relationship?

Okay, kiddos. Today we have a very special issue of Ask Tuffy Luv. Today we’re gonna–gasp–learn from our mothers. (Even though, yes, they annoy us sometimes. OK, a lot.)

I know that seems odd. But, readerinos, Aunt Tuffy gets ever so many letters from all of y’all about things I KNOW your momma taught you. So, in one fell swoop, Tuffy gonna answer the basic kinds questions she gets week after week, just by telling you what your mother already knows.

(1) Be Faithful.

Momma sez: You’re probably going to want to have a serious partner someday. Don’t blow it now by blowing through tons of guys (or girls) and burning bridges. You’re gonna form bad habits and you’re gonna get a bad reputation. So don’t cheat. It’s nature’s bad karma, donchaknow?

(2) Use Protection.

Giiiiiirl, don’t be bringing no grandbaby round! Okay, fine, bring the grandbaby. Momma will looooove that grandbaby. But, precious, I just want you to be the best you that you can be. You need time to grow and to be in a good place and in a good relationship. Besides, you don’t want any of those nasty STDs, right?! Momma knows you don’t.

(3) Long Distance is Hard. But So Is Any Relationship.

Sweetheart. You’ve got to follow that sweet heart of yours. Long distance relationships are very difficult, so if you have your doubts, don’t waste your time and energy. But if you think in your heart of hearts that he (or she) really might be The One, you’ve got to give it a shot. Trust yourself. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t punish yourself–learn from your mistakes and live your life the best you can.

(4) Do Unto Others.

Be a good friend. If your girlfriend is interested in someone, don’t hook up with him (/her). Don’t flirt. Don’t do anything that’s going to hurt your friend. And if a friend hurts you? I’ll kill ‘er. No, but really. Don’t hurt your friends, and don’t hurt anyone. If someone hurts you, tell them and then move on.

(5) Get Your Priorities Straight.

Do well in school. Work hard. Choose how you want to live your life, and live it that way to the fullest. You’ve got to pursue your goals, because, honey, your goals ain’t never gonna pursue you. Sit down, figure out what’s important to you, and do it the very best you can. And I just know you’ll do it.

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day, Moms! We love you so much.

Besides, we wouldn’t be here without you.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
What’s up!? I love your column; I always find myself in line with your advice and generally agreeing.  Well, now I have my own situation and I have never been good at giving myself advice or seeing my own situation clearly so here goes. Tell it to me like it is:

Ten months ago I met the best guy I have ever been with. After a first “date” and a visit from him, he asked me out.  We started dating and did the LDR thing (2 hrs away) for eight months; we fell in love and he told me he loved me after three months of dating.

Which brings me to now.  We just broke up and it has been so hard.  It was somewhat mutual; two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and he brought up something I wrote in his Valentine’s Day card, which was: I can’t wait till we grow up and get to see each other more.  Something along those lines.  He thought I meant forever but I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead and I just meant when I graduated (two months) and wasn’t working two jobs.  Then he said something about how he wants to move across the country eventually and how we probably wouldn’t be together forever. I responded, What’s the point of dating now, then, if you know at some point you don’t want to be with me/break up with me?  He got really emotional and I think he was crying and said he didn’t want to break up with me and he loves me.

Fast forward a week later: he breaks up with me for not having enough time for me, which I understand. He has a lot on his plate – full course load, involved in a lot at school, internship.  He said he felt selfish but just doesn’t have the time.  It’s been a few days now since the break-up and I asked him if we would ever get back together again in the future and he said he can’t answer that; he just doesn’t know what will happen.  It’s been really tough and I just don’t know what to do.  He said he wants to stay friends.  Should I bother?  Should I  not text him?  The days after the break up I did the typical thing of texting him and asking if there was any solution, blah blah blah, to which he just says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and it’s bad timing.  Did I blow it by texting him? Right now I’m trying to not contact him to “make” him miss me.

The thing that sucks is he dumped me a week away from my birthday and I know he bought me a present, so it seems to me he hadn’t been thinking this for a long time.  Anyways what do I do? Is there something I’m not seeing?  Do you think he met someone else? I just want to be with him.  Do I keep in contact or will that just hurt more?

I’m afraid if we get back in the future I won’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to my birthday or if he sleeps with someone else, I would be devastated.

Sincerely,
I Thought Love Conquered All?

Dear I Thought Love Conquered All?,

You thought wrong.

Not everything works out, kiddo. Guess what, kids? MOST RELATIONSHIPS END.

Look, I’m sorry you’re devastated and all, but the bit about your birthday present kind of threw me. You wouldn’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to your birthday?! THAT would be the reason not to take the love of your life back?!

Well, so. I don’t think this is really worth pursuing. If the proximity to your birthday is really a big enough reason for concern, I’d say this was just not meant to be.

Frankly, Love, you seem a bit immature. This is not a criticism, okay? It’s just an observation. But, I mean, you’re not immature for your AGE. You’re perfectly fine for the end of college. You’re just a bit immature to have such a serious LDR.

It’s hard to break up, you know? It really is. You’re sad. You don’t know what’s next. Maybe you miss him. (Maybe you don’t.) Basically, you’re starting over without a major ally, and that’s scary and hard. Happily, this is easier with LDRs than with SDRs (short distance, suckas). Out of sight, out of mind. Okay, not quite. But at least not running-into-him-at-Starbucks, in mind. Yes?

Stop texting him. Stop torturing him–and yourself. There’s no point. It’s not working right now. If you want to make some grand gesture in the future, you could figure out a way to move closer to him. But PLEASE don’t do this until you’ve waited at LEAST 6 months. After six months, if you are still DESPERATELY missing him (not kind of missing him, not just kind of lonely, but REALLLLLY desperately missing him), then I’d say call him up and make the gesture. But until then, forget about it. The timing ain’t right. The breakup is done. Let things take their course.

My advice to you: Move on. Don’t be petty and try to make him miss you. Don’t drag this thing on any longer. Go out and meet some guys you can actually see on a day-to-day basis. Get to know them. Find a few to date. End up with one who’s actually good for you. Who will make the time to be with you. Who isn’t already planning on breaking up with you down the road.

And, please. If you can’t forgive someone because of the DATE on which they dumped you (or something equally unimportant), it’s probs not made to last. Like, at all.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Question?! TOO BAD. No, only kidding. Mostly. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m suffering from heartbreak. My boyfriend is leaving me. Sort of. But only after I left him. Sort of…

Here is my situation: I have the much coveted/dreaded position of broke but oh so sexy older musician’s girlfriend. (He’s 26, I’m 20). My man is a drummer, and a very talented one at that. Before I met him, he toured with a band for a few months around Europe. When I started dating him a year and a half ago, he was (and still is) in a local garage band with a couple friends, playing local shows recording a demo, and not really going anywhere besides that. In other words, he was always broke from spending money on music (which is totally fine), always in and out of jobs and musical prospects, and most importantly, always available to spend time with me!

Fast forward into a year of our relationship and I got into an amazing absolutely time/life-sucking nursing program 7 hours away from where I was living. With my boyfriend’s 100% support, I moved, and since then we’ve been in a very successful long distance relationship for the past 6 months. But it hasn’t been without its difficulties. When I first moved, I was all by myself in a completely new city without my man or any of my girl friends and I couldn’t stop bawling everyday for the first week. (Which was bizarre for me because I am definitely not a crier!) By now I’ve gotten used to not seeing him, but man.. that first week was so bad. And I still get really depressed about only seeing him for 48 hours at a time once a month.

The thing is, we are both extremely supportive of each other when opportunities pop up. I went to Germany to visit my mom (who was military deployed) instead of spending Christmas/New Years with my man, and he didn’t once make me feel bad. We make trips to see each other about every 3 weeks, which is more difficult for me since I have more time constraints, and he never complains. And at the start of this year, he auditioned (and is now playing) for another band where he would get paid to tour with them a couple months at a time, and he told me the times that he wasn’t touring, he wanted to move in with me! Which I was totally ecstatic about, since it would be a good trial run of living together all the
time. But then….of course… another freaking opportunity popped up with another freaking (even more famous/successful) band, except this time, he would be touring (and leaving me!) for an entire year, country hopping, playing awesome festivals, getting paid, partying every night, making memories, meeting people, and most importantly, not being with me on a Saturday night loving me, making me dinner, taking me out, etc etc.

I’m so excited for him, I want him to go, I would go if anything ever popped up like this for me. In fact, I may even get to see him for a month during the summer. But I don’t want to be sitting alone in my apartment with my cats for months at a time crying my eyes out wondering what Brazillian or European girls are making googly eyes at him. And since I’m still fairly newish to the area I moved to for school, I don’t have any really close girl friends to call up on the weekends asking if they want to eat pints of Ben and Jerry’s with me.

I love him so so much, and although this email doesn’t sound like it, I actually am an independent, strong woman, but I still have my needs. It sucks only having real intimacy once a month, and to go from my man potentially moving in part time to leaving for an entire year spelunking across the world scares me. Our lives are pulling in opposite directions more and more and I’m beginning to feel left behind, as I’m sure he felt when I first moved away.. I need help coping, maybe I need a therapist, ugh. I need my man in my life.

Sincerely,
Musician’s Girlfriend

Dear Musician’s Girlfriend,

I love you. And here is why.

You ARE independent. You’re living your dream, and you’re doing it in a totally brave way. You’re going for it. And not only are you independent, but, even more importantly, you LOVE someone. I mean actually LOVE them.

Listen up, kiddos. Tuffy gets a lot of letters from people saying they love someone, only to go on and on about how the person ONLY to talk about THEMSELVES. What I like about you, Musician’s Girlfriend, is that you actually LOVE him, which means you actually WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HIM.

That’s love, kids.

Okay, so that’s why I’ve picked your question this week, girl, because I think you two have actually got a shot.

Tuffy Luv hates long distance. Right? I think I’ve, uh, made that fairly clear.

But, in this case, I think you two might actually be able to make this work. Oh sure, you’re young, he’s in an unstable career (Aunt Tuffy’s in the arts. She know how it be.). But when two people really love each other like you two do–hell, you’ve gotta take the chance.

Now don’t go thinking Tuffy Luv has gone all softie or some shoop. Look, here are the reasons:

(1) You guys have already successfully done some long distance. So you have a structure set up already, yes?

(2) You seem to trust each other. Unless you  just didn’t mention it, no one has any suspicions of cheating or any desire to cheat.

(3) You guys are both having success independent of each other. This is great!!! No reasons to fight. Everyone’s successful. Everyone’s cheerful.

What you DO gotta do, however, is make some friends. Because, yes, you’re right, it’s gonna be a lonely year.

So my advice to you is this:

-Keep the guy.

-Make some friends. Also, getting a pet is not a bad idea, if you think you can give it enough attention and time.

-Set a schedule with the guy where you ALWAYS talk at a certain time, as close to every day as you can get.

-Plan to spend specific dates together and stick to it no matter what.

And, girl, I wish you every little bit of luck.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Dear Dude,

I need the perspective of a man. Please help. My boyfriend and I have in a LDR for the past year because he’s studying abroad. Four months ago, I broke up with him for stupid reasons and I thought he would never take me back so I got drunk out of my mind and ended up hooking up with his best friend. I know, that’s the most horrible thing I could do and I felt like sh*t.

My boyfriend did try to get back together with me, however, we’re now going through a rough patch because he says he can’t get over the fact that I hooked up with his friend. I told him that it wasn’t because I liked his best friend – I was drunk and I emotionally messed up. I told him that I did it because I regretted breaking up with him and that I tried to fill that void by giving pleasure to someone else, and that it was a mistake. He said it didn’t matter; I hooked up with his best friend and he doesn’t know if he can ever get over it.

Dude, I don’t know what to do. I can’t take back what I did, and no reason I give my boyfriend will make him feel better. I love him and I know that if it wasn’t his best friend, he wouldn’t feel this hurt and I wouldn’t regret it so much. My boyfriend says he loves me and wants to stay together but doesn’t believe we can work out because it haunts him. Is there any hope for us?

Please help,
- Losing Hope

Dear Losing Hope,

Go to the mattresses.

Some people can forgive and move on, others simply can’t. Unfortunately, the one who messes up isn’t the one who has to forgive the other person. No, the one with the regret has to forgive herself if she wants to move past it.

It sounds like you’re stewing in your guilt and that your boyfriend is stewing right next to you. What happened was a painful and regretful act, it sounds like, for both of you. You were hurt by the break up. You reached out for something but that something hurt him. Rubbing two wounds together prevents them from healing.

There comes a point where you sit down and make the decision to try to move on or admit that you can’t. It sounds like you’re reaching that boiling point. Neither of you is Marty McFly or have a hot tub time machine. What happened, happened. But you can’t let yourselves get stuck in the past without sacrificing any happiness in your future. Trust has to be rebuilt but you have to agree to rebuild it together.

Having consulted with a few shrinks, I’m told that, typically, it can take around 18 months before that feeling of betrayal isn’t omnipresent. That means you’re both in for a lot of work. So, make sure you’re both up to getting knee deep into it.

Look, what you did, you did it after you’d broken up. Does that make it an act of infidelity? Technically, no. But that sounds like how you’re both treating it. If reason and sacrifice doesn’t, in his mind, warrant forgiveness then you’ve got no other choice but to ask the question: “then is it over?”

Whether he knows it or not, he’s punishing you and you’re punishing yourself. You can’t keep punishing yourself for something you regret. That’s not learning from your mistakes. That’s reliving them. Dwelling doesn’t allow healing. It doesn’t leave room for you to take new knowledge from the experience and put it into practice in order to avoid committing acts you’ll regret. The best thing you can do is say “enough.”

Take the elephant in the room by the reins and either wrangle it in or let it go. Be brave. Move on. Hopefully it’s with him but you can do it on your own, too.

Giving ultimatums,
The Dude

[He's good, right? Sigh, we know. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

My long distance 3-year boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been dating from his sophomore year in college until now; I had stayed home and he went to school 3 hours away. I would visit whenever I could, and he would come home for breaks. We became really close and honestly the relationship was really easy. He never cheated and he always called and texted. And I thought waiting for him to come home was right. Yet, 3 years later, we are both 10 min away from each other and he decided to break up with me 7 days before V-Day.  He said he was sorry because he should be feeling more confident about our relationship. He doesn’t think he’s ready for the seriousness that a 3-year relationship means. I am his second girlfriend, and he feels that he cannot become more serious until he dates other people.

Now my question is, if he broke up with me to date other people then WHY is he still acting like we did when we were dating? Instead of going out on a Thursday night with his guy friends and picking up chicks he is at my house watching TV. He texts me constantly, and is writing on my Facebook more now than he did when we were dating.

I confronted him today and asked him what was going on but all he could say is that he was so sorry and he didn’t know what he wants. I cut him off from my Facebook, and deleted him from my phone but something just doesn’t feel right. This is the first guy I have ever been with that I wanted to fight for, but I don’t see how that is going to help. I don’t know what my next steps are from here, and being out of school and stuck at home I have no rebound to consider. DO I try and be friends with him? Or cut him off and just move on?

Help me,
Confused

Dear Confused,

3 years, s’long time to be a champion girlfriend (first person who gets that reference, write in and I will personally send you a prize).

A long distance relationship for that amount of time can sometimes be seen as more of the CZ or Splenda to the real deal. A lot of people use long distance over a long period of time as a safety net from putting themselves out there. It becomes a protective bubble. This avoids the possibility of getting hurt and dealing with the complexities/intricacies/intimacies of a face-to-face relationship.  Then, when the distance disappears, the bubble bursts.

I’m not saying all long distance relationships are BS. Not in the least. I’ve known plenty where the two people involved came back together and re-discovered each other. They also discovered that how they’d grown while apart didn’t exclude them from growing together from that moment of reunion. However, I’ve known a bunch that was more like the ones described in the paragraph above. Based on what you’ve told me, yours seems to fall into the “category” of the former.

The old saying that girls mature faster than guys, well, it’s true. There’s this idea put into a guy’s head, or so it seems, that if he doesn’t have sex with at least a half dozen women or is involved in less than five relationships then there’s no possible way he can be ready to settle down into something meaningful. Now that is BS.

When you find the right person, been together for years, grown together for years, fill voids, and challenge each other into becoming the best version of yourself you’ve ever known yourself to be, then it’s right. I don’t care if that’s your first girlfriend or your hundredth. But your boy seems to have drunk the convoluted “manswer” Kool-Aid.

I think you’re on a good path. You can’t sit idly by and twiddle your thumbs while he figures out what he wants. You’ve got to determine for yourself what you want. If that is him, then by all means fight for him. If he’s not worth the crap he’s making you go through, then move on.

I’m a believer in having and making choices. No matter the situation, one’s always there. Just because right now you feel like you don’t have a rebound and you might be depressed about being back with your folks after school (which millions of college kids are doing these days, so don’t feel ashamed about that) doesn’t mean you have to take him back.

It can feel like your options are limited. It can seem like there’re only two paths and neither is appealing. It might be the reality or it might, in part, be your own judging of yourself. But you can still choose. Don’t choose out of default or feeling trapped. That will limit your possibilities and that will take away your confidence in being able to make decisions for your life.

So I say reevaluate your options, come at it from a fresh place with as fresh a perspective as you can. It sounds like you’ve already taken great steps to get there. Once you’re there, make the choice. My choice would be to move on. But only you are you. So only you can make the best choice for you.

Letting it bleed,
Dude Jagger

[He's good, right? Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

Over the summer, I met this really great guy at work; there was definitely a mutual attraction between us. With every conversation we had, we found out we had a lot in common with each other. I was about to ask him out, but then found out he had a girlfriend. Needless to say, I didn’t ask him out and things stopped there.

Fast forward to 5 weeks ago. I came home for Christmas Break (we are from the same town, but go to school 9 hours apart), and found out through Facebook that he was single.  I messaged him to see if he wanted to hang out. He gave me his number, and a few days later we went out. The next night we had drinks, and drinks turned into him inviting me to go skiing and to spend New Year’s Eve with him. We spent a lot of time together over break, and he even introduced me to his family and best friends. He would call and text me almost every day, and once he came to my house to hang out and said he was disappointed that he couldn’t meet my parents because they were at work. It seemed like he was really into me by the way he treated me, and I was hopeful that we would last beyond winter break. We hooked up on New Year’s Eve and we did have sex. I don’t feel like this was the wrong move to make because we had spent a lot of time together beforehand, and he certainly didn’t treat me like I was just a random hook-up. I guess I was wrong.

We both go back to school in a couple of days, and he’s been getting more distant and less affectionate. We don’t talk that often and haven’t gone out in several days. Normally, I’d just think that this was a winter break fling and move on. The thing that frustrates me and confuses me the most is why in the hell did he introduce me to his family and friends, spend all that time taking me out and literally treating me like his girlfriend if all he wanted was a little action?

Help! I can’t handle this and the fact that classes start next week!
— Got the Blues on Break

Dear Got the Blues on Break,

SON OF A BITCH!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water dating pool…The point of this story isn’t the mystery. What happened, happened. You wanted something more, he wanted a fling.

He probably toyed with the idea of getting serious but when your lives dictated going down two divergent paths, he decided to hedge his bet. Oh, sure, he’s busy getting ready to get back into the swing of things. He’s distracted. He’s preoccupied. He’s got a hectic mess of a life as most do when starting up second semester. However, the fact remains, if you were a priority of the girlfriend persuasion he’d most likely not be giving you the brush off. Not that this necessarily needs to be the end of everything between you, but it’s definitely being dialed down. I repeat, SON OF A BITCH!

Was he playing a long con on you? If he did, he’s a sadistic SON OF A BITCH! However, in all fairness to you and him, he probably wasn’t sure what he wanted until the two of you got further along and time became a factor. He’s getting out of a relationship, you might have been part of his rebounding. You needn’t blame yourself nor should you feel like you were necessarily duped for the sake of duping.

Since the mystery’s conclusion was anticlimactic, what matters is what you take from the experience and how you use that information/insight in the future.

Next time, if you feel like things are getting serious and you want them to get serious, then you need to check in with him. Next time ask the guy where he sees things going. Next time protect yourself. It’s about communicating. This clarifies the boundaries with what you have. I will say that it takes some guts and willingness to take control of the situation, but making sure you’re both on the same page is what (generally) prevents misreading of the signs.

It’s not easy to be the collateral damage of someone else’s life. Let’s not even pretend any form of fairness is involved. You got the short end up the rear end undeservingly. People aren’t guarantees. We’re all variables. There’s not a lot of justice involved. Mostly tears, tubs of ice cream, solace from your friends, and lessons learned about yourself.

Take comfort in that you’re on the threshold of a beginning, not an ending. Every choice will lead to at least one other choice. Next time, hopefully, you’ll choose to use what you’ve learned to make sure you take care of yourself better. Whatever else, don’t close yourself off because of that SON OF A BITCH!

Class is in session,
The Dude, Male Perspective 101

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Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@CollegeCandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I recently graduated from college and moved back home because I got a job offer. Around the time college was ending, I was casually seeing this new guy. We currently live about three hours away from each other and are in very different situations; I have moved back in with my parents and have a serious job, whereas he still lives with roommates and works hard but parties a lot harder.

The status of our relationship is very unclear. At first, I just wanted things to be casual…a sort of “I’ll see ya when I see ya and we’ll do it” type of deal. But now we talk every day and he’ll say things like “I miss you,” which are not very casual activities. Every time I try to pull out of the situation he insists that “I’m his girl” and we should just see where it goes. I know where it’s going….nowhere!! We live too far and I’m afraid that his party boy ways are just too much for me to handle. I’m constantly worrying that he’s going to find another girl and is just keeping me on the back burner.

How do I tell him that he needs to commit or let me go? He says we don’t know each other well enough to commit but doesn’t want to let me go because he insists we’re building a new relationship. Am I just being played for a fool?

— Not So Casual

Dear Not So Casual,

You say: “I know where it’s going….nowhere!!” I love you for this.

Girl, you know exactly what’s going on. I am absolutely sure that you are just writing to me for confirmation. And I’m gonna give it to you:

Boy doesn’t know what he wants. Well, he does. But he won’t admit it.

What he wants is to have a comfortable but not serious relationship with you, all the while having the freedom of hooking up with whoever he wants. He really does like you, but he’s not sure if he loves you, and he wants to keep you around in case he decides, after sowing his wild oats and shoop, that he does. This is not an unusual guy thing. I mean, it’s basically The Male Dream. And, hey, it’s totally fine if that’s what you want too.

But it’s clearly not what you want. You guys are branching off into different paths. You’re starting your career, and you’re ready to start your adult life. He wants…to still be in college. I don’t think telling him you want him to commit or get off the pot is going to work out. He’s just gonna keep telling you what he’s already told you.

And that’s because, well, he’s actually being quite honest with you. He IS building a new relationship with you–just not the kind you want. He DOES like you a whole lot–just not enough to give up his partying.

My advice to you is to tell this guy you like him but you’re not interested in a long-distance casual relationship. (And I’m with you, girl–what the floop is the point of the agony of an LDR if it’s not even likely to work out?! Not fun AND not sustainable–and therefore, not cool.)

He’ll probably be really bummed out and try to keep convincing you to “just see where it goes.” But, like you said: “I know where it’s going….nowhere!!” (SERIOUSLY. I love this. Totally why I chose this question. It should be SOOOOO many people’s mantra.)