I am in the most amazing, secure and satisfying relationship I have ever been in but there is just one so-called “problem”; after nearly a year and a half, neither of us have said, “I love you.”

Now I know what this probably sounds like to some, or possibly even most, of you. (Believe me, I see it in the facial expressions of concerned friends and hear it in the tone of their strongly worded reactions.) There is obviously a clear issue here, right? Well, actually, I’m not so sure.

Now, to be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me (the part that sometimes, uncontrollably slips into this cliché, fairytale, chick flick inspired way of thinking that all love stories have basically 1 of 3 plots) at times wishes one of us would just find the courage to come out and say it already. I mean, it’s been long enough! And the pressure from friends and family who act like this is the biggest thing in the world to be concerned about, only adds fuel to this flame.

However, my usual, more sane, more rational and level-headed reaction to all of this is, “Who really cares?” Is actually saying that phrase really as significant or necessary as everyone our age makes it out to be? I mean, isn’t it true that actions should speak louder than words?

We are currently in a world where nearly every word in the “relationship dictionary” is rapidly being redefined. Take the word, meaning and supposed “sacredness” of marriage, for instance. It’s being entirely altered by things like the exceptionally high divorce rate (and the never ending publicity about celebrity divorces and adultery in the press). Or what about the many different names have we come up with in the last decade to define the new, modern, complicated relationships that keep arising: open relationship, no strings attached, friends with benefits, just hooking up… the list continues. Who even knows what the proper meaning and context of monogamy and love is these days. Read More »

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

When I dream about my perfect relationship, it always looks the same. My boyfriend is a Jewish Bradley Cooper look-alike with that sexy shaggy hair and the perfect blend of intelligence and wit. He’s constantly surprising me with over-the-top romantic gestures, from randomly bringing me chocolate chip granola pancakes in bed (“just because I love you”), to showing up at my house in the middle of the day because he “just had to see me.”

He’s always there when I need someone to lean on, but never around when I need an “eat cereal out of the box and watch 4 hours of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’” alone-time kinda night. He uses just the right amount of tongue when we’re kissing and always makes sure I’m satisfied between the sheets before he spoons me as we drift off to sleep.

And when we wake up, my hair has perfect waves, my breath is minty fresh and my eye makeup hasn’t slid down my face in a way that makes me look like Adam Lambert doing the walk of shame.

Yeah, I said it was a dream.
A very good (and sometimes naughty) dream.

Read More »

It’s easy enough to say that if you’re not sure if you’re having good sex, you’re not having it — but I’m not convinced that’s necessarily true. I have this theory that sex is a lot like your elementary school chemistry class (stay with me….): You have to put the right ingredients together in order to make that volcano explode, but as time goes on and you keep dumping in the baking soda, that explosion gets less and less fantastical.

The thing with sex is that you can’t always tell when it’s just a rut or when you’re sexually incompatible. I mean, at first glance they both look similar — lack of sex, frustration, etc. — but there are a few differences. So before you make any rash decisions, ask yourself:  is the sex just getting boring (but fixable!) or are you and your partner sexually incompatible?

You might be incompatible if…

It’s never been great.
Pain and a lack of chemistry are a couple of good indicators that it’s more than just boring. It’s nearly impossible to enjoy sex if it’s painful (unless you’re into that), and sometimes an off-kilter penis-to-vagina ratio can cause more than a little discomfort. If you never went through a “honeymoon period” where the sex was incredible but eventually died off — or if that period was disappointingly short (I’m talking a week), then perhaps incompatibility is the issue, not a lack of excitement.

Read More »

Dear Dude,

My long distance 3-year boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been dating from his sophomore year in college until now; I had stayed home and he went to school 3 hours away. I would visit whenever I could, and he would come home for breaks. We became really close and honestly the relationship was really easy. He never cheated and he always called and texted. And I thought waiting for him to come home was right. Yet, 3 years later, we are both 10 min away from each other and he decided to break up with me 7 days before V-Day.  He said he was sorry because he should be feeling more confident about our relationship. He doesn’t think he’s ready for the seriousness that a 3-year relationship means. I am his second girlfriend, and he feels that he cannot become more serious until he dates other people.

Now my question is, if he broke up with me to date other people then WHY is he still acting like we did when we were dating? Instead of going out on a Thursday night with his guy friends and picking up chicks he is at my house watching TV. He texts me constantly, and is writing on my Facebook more now than he did when we were dating.

I confronted him today and asked him what was going on but all he could say is that he was so sorry and he didn’t know what he wants. I cut him off from my Facebook, and deleted him from my phone but something just doesn’t feel right. This is the first guy I have ever been with that I wanted to fight for, but I don’t see how that is going to help. I don’t know what my next steps are from here, and being out of school and stuck at home I have no rebound to consider. DO I try and be friends with him? Or cut him off and just move on?

Help me,
Confused

Dear Confused,

3 years, s’long time to be a champion girlfriend (first person who gets that reference, write in and I will personally send you a prize).

A long distance relationship for that amount of time can sometimes be seen as more of the CZ or Splenda to the real deal. A lot of people use long distance over a long period of time as a safety net from putting themselves out there. It becomes a protective bubble. This avoids the possibility of getting hurt and dealing with the complexities/intricacies/intimacies of a face-to-face relationship.  Then, when the distance disappears, the bubble bursts.

I’m not saying all long distance relationships are BS. Not in the least. I’ve known plenty where the two people involved came back together and re-discovered each other. They also discovered that how they’d grown while apart didn’t exclude them from growing together from that moment of reunion. However, I’ve known a bunch that was more like the ones described in the paragraph above. Based on what you’ve told me, yours seems to fall into the “category” of the former.

The old saying that girls mature faster than guys, well, it’s true. There’s this idea put into a guy’s head, or so it seems, that if he doesn’t have sex with at least a half dozen women or is involved in less than five relationships then there’s no possible way he can be ready to settle down into something meaningful. Now that is BS.

When you find the right person, been together for years, grown together for years, fill voids, and challenge each other into becoming the best version of yourself you’ve ever known yourself to be, then it’s right. I don’t care if that’s your first girlfriend or your hundredth. But your boy seems to have drunk the convoluted “manswer” Kool-Aid.

I think you’re on a good path. You can’t sit idly by and twiddle your thumbs while he figures out what he wants. You’ve got to determine for yourself what you want. If that is him, then by all means fight for him. If he’s not worth the crap he’s making you go through, then move on.

I’m a believer in having and making choices. No matter the situation, one’s always there. Just because right now you feel like you don’t have a rebound and you might be depressed about being back with your folks after school (which millions of college kids are doing these days, so don’t feel ashamed about that) doesn’t mean you have to take him back.

It can feel like your options are limited. It can seem like there’re only two paths and neither is appealing. It might be the reality or it might, in part, be your own judging of yourself. But you can still choose. Don’t choose out of default or feeling trapped. That will limit your possibilities and that will take away your confidence in being able to make decisions for your life.

So I say reevaluate your options, come at it from a fresh place with as fresh a perspective as you can. It sounds like you’ve already taken great steps to get there. Once you’re there, make the choice. My choice would be to move on. But only you are you. So only you can make the best choice for you.

Letting it bleed,
Dude Jagger

[He's good, right? Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

I am in the most amazing, secure and satisfying relationship I have ever been in but there is just one so-called “problem”; after nearly a year and a half, neither of us have said, “I love you.”

Now I know what this probably sounds like to some, or possibly even most, of you. (Believe me, I see it in the facial expressions of concerned friends and hear it in the tone of their strongly worded reactions.) There is obviously a clear issue here, right? Well, actually, I’m not so sure.

Now, to be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me (the part that sometimes, uncontrollably slips into this cliché, fairytale, chick flick inspired way of thinking that all love stories have basically 1 of 3 plots) at times wishes one of us would just find the courage to come out and say it already. I mean, it’s been long enough! And the pressure from friends and family who act like this is the biggest thing in the world to be concerned about, only adds fuel to this flame.

However, my usual, more sane, more rational and level-headed reaction to all of this is, “Who really cares?” Is actually saying that phrase really as significant or necessary as everyone our age makes it out to be? I mean, isn’t it true that actions should speak louder than words?

We are currently in a world where nearly every word in the “relationship dictionary” is rapidly being redefined. Take the word, meaning and supposed “sacredness” of marriage, for instance. It’s being entirely altered by things like the exceptionally high divorce rate (and the never ending publicity about celebrity divorces and adultery in the press). Or what about the many different names have we come up with in the last decade to define the new, modern, complicated relationships that keep arising: open relationship, no strings attached, friends with benefits, just hooking up… the list continues. Who even knows what the proper meaning and context of monogamy and love is these days. Read More »

I think too much.  And when it comes to turning over the sheets, my mind goes into over-drive.  In fact, I have been known to ruin an entire sexual experience by thinking too much about the position I’m in – my physical movements, how big my thighs look, trying to read his thoughts like an Edward Cullen girl hybrid.

I’ve been looking for a cure for my problem for months.  Why can’t I just relax, sit back, and enjoy? What can I possibly do to block the free-flowing thoughts and get into the moment?  I know there is nothing emotionally wrong with me; I’m a normal girl and just like every other girl out there, my mind is riddled with thoughts.  Mine just happen to reproduce like a cluster of horny bunny rabbits whenever I get nakie and start doing the nasty.

Luckily, there is always a solution to my problems!  And this time, altering my mind may have a little something to do in altering my position.

A little back story:
While hiding from the Black Friday crowds in an empty bookstore last week, a certain title caught my eye. And that title was “Spectacular Sex Moves He’ll Never Forget.” I ducked down in the aisle and began flipping through, intrigued by the yoga-turned-sex moves I discovered. That night, fueled by some leftover wine, my boyfriend and I tried one out. And it was a night neither of us will soon forget.

Since then, we’ve been toying around with many fun and interesting new sex positions (which I’m sure will be even more fun when we’re no longer crashing in my parents’ basement) and I have to say, my sex life will never be the same. If you’re like me and tend to stick with the more traditional approach to sex (“I lie, you do all the work”), take it from me: it’s time to crack a book and get a little more adventurous between the sheets.

Why? I’m glad you asked. Read More »

Hey Dude,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of more than 6 months (who keeps count these days anyway?), and it’s been a rough time. Mostly, I think, neither one of us wanted to break up but we had been growing apart for sometime. New changes in his life prompted him to cut the cord, and we went our separate ways…kind of. In reality, as soon as things were officially over (I’m talking next day here), he and I went back to normal. We started texting nonstop again, calling a few times a day just “because this song reminded me of you,” or because “you’re going to die of laughter when you hear about my dinner mishap.”

Aside from the fact that we were no longer together absolutely NOTHING had changed… It’s as though all of the pressure of a formal relationship was suddenly off and we were that fun and exciting couple again…minus the couple.

I think you should know that we haven’t had to face the issue of hooking up yet because he lives in a land far far away (but really only like an hour and some change) so I don’t know how that little taboo will work out when we next see each other.

Now, I never wanted us to break up, I just wanted us to take some time to cool off and reconnect. So, as you can imagine after how well things have been going, I want us to be together again. Is this silly, is it time to start getting over him or should I continue to cling to the hope that it’s all going to work out?

-Ex-girlfriend

Read More »

[Everyone’s got a vice, a bad habit, something they know they need to change. Unfortunately, everyone also has a million excuses why they just can’t do it. Not anymore. Every month we will be following a different CollegeCandy writer as she takes on a personal challenge. And this month Meredith is giving up junk food. Yes, really. Her first week was good. Great, even. Then life got in the way. This week, she's turning things around.]

I ate mozzarella sticks. And I’m not ashamed.

Not much has changed since my tough week last week. I’m still adjusting to the single life, which I love more and more every day.  The nausea is the only thing that has really persisted, which means that I will unfortunately probably have to see a doctor just to make sure that nothing is medically wrong with me. Though I’m convinced it’s nothing more than the residual effects of Lady Gaga’s meat dress. Ew, I don’t even like thinking about it. Even if she was wearing a lean protein.

So finally on Tuesday, I felt up for a late night snack at the dining hall. The good news is the mozzarella sticks smelled like heaven. The bad news is they definitely did nothing for my post-breakup bouts of nausea. I could have sworn that they would have healing powers, that I’d take one bite and instantly feel happy and free and content. But alas, I woke up the next morning as sick as ever. I’m definitely not mad at myself for eating them, though. If everything this month had gone according to plan and I was eating like Jillian Michaels every day, then I probably would be pissed at myself for eating disgusting fried cheese mid-month. But, that’s not the case and if anything, I needed the calories. Read More »

I’m gonna make a bold statement here:

Role playing is ESSENTIAL in any long-term, monogamous relationship.

And it’s just plain fun in any other situation.

Role playing allows us to live out our fantasies in a comfortable, safe situation, and adds some much needed variety to our sex lives. But as fun as it is to be someone else for a bit, it can also be really nerve-racking. We’re not all professional actors, and pretending to be someone else, especially when you’re naked and vulnerable, can be hard.

If you’ve never done it before, do it. And if you’re not sure how, here are my answers to a few questions you probably have:

Q. How do I tell my partner I want to role-play with seeming like I’m bored with him/her?

A. “I’ve always thought it would be really hot to sleep with a professor. Can I call you Dr. ______ tonight?” Most partners will be happy to help you fulfill your fantasies.

Q. What are some good role play scenarios to try?

A. Anything that turns you on. My favorites are situations where one person has to talk the other into sex because it’s “forbidden.” Something like teacher/student or boss/employee can be really hot, and you can alternate who does the convincing (i.e. naughty student or pervy professor). Read More »

[Everyone’s got a vice, a bad habit, something they know they need to change. Unfortunately, everyone also has a million excuses why they just can’t do it. Not anymore. Every month we will be following a different CollegeCandy writer as she takes on a personal challenge. Last month we followed Ariel as she went a(n almost) full month sans Facebook. This month Meredith is giving up junk food. Yes, really. Her first week was good. Great, even. This week, though, life sorta got in her way....]

I had a vision in my head for how this month would go. I would give up junk food, be healthier, maybe slip up once or twice, but succeed overall. I would end the month being skinny, beautiful, and confident. My life situation would remain the same; it would be ME that changed.

I made a very big lapse in judgment. As Knocked Up taught us, “life doesn’t care about your plans.”

My boyfriend and I broke up Saturday night. I WOULD publicize all of the fun details, but Destiny’s Child put it best when they said, “You know I’m not gonna diss you on the Internet, cause my momma told me better than that.” Now, before you start to pity me, don’t. I am much happier and I have so many amazing people around me constantly. I adore being single again (some think maybe even too much…).

But I do have a confession. My friend and I ate some ice cream on Saturday night. The truth is that it didn’t make anything better, obviously. We ended up walking four miles that night on our quest for lots of fresh air, which, in my opinion, cancels out the ice cream. Judge for yourself. I immediately was junk-food-free again on Sunday. Read More »