You know how you can rub a lamp and a genie will come out and grant you three awesome wishes (I mean, in theory)? Well, according to some people, if you rub a staple shoved into the “upper cartilage of [your] left pinna” — the visible part of the ear — three times a day, you won’t want candy and you’ll lose weight.

I’m serious.

Acupuncture has been around for a while, but this type of acupuncture has recently become more popular with lazy people who would rather get foreign objects stapled into their body then move around and eat more vegetables. Ear Stapling is connected to the idea that piercing the upper ear cartilage, “provides constant stimulation for the vagus or pneumogastric nerve, a very lengthy (the word vagus means wandering) nerve that supplies motor and sensory information from the mouth and larynx down to the large intestine and colon“.

Even though some people swear it works, one can really prove anything scientific when it comes to the practice of Ear Stapling. Maybe it’s real. Maybe it’s the Dumbo’s Feather affect. Whatever the case, if you’re asking someone to shove a staple through your ear to lose weight…you’ve got more to worry about than a propensity for donuts.

I mean…leave your ears alone, lift some weights, and cook more stir-frys. Honestly, friends…it’s not that hard.

I’ve got to get this out. Joy Bauer pisses me the f*ck off.

For those of you who have saved yourself by not knowing who this lady is, I’m about to ruin you — Joy Bauer is the nutritionist correspondent for the Today Show. She’s also published a ton of books and written about eating your veggies for a bunch of publications. Basically, she’s the Martha Stewart of the health world.

So why do I hate her? Because she’s systematically trying to destroy my happy relationship with food.

Every time I turn on the Today Show (read: while I’m on the elliptical at the ass crack of dawn or getting ready to brave the day) Bauer seems to be running her mouth about all the fantastic! and easy! ways for Americans to lose weight. As she gestures with her skinny arms (I want to know if this lady has ever lived a day over 115 pounds) to bad foods! and their subsequent good food! counterparts, I can’t help but want to shake that way-too-wide grin off her face.

Because she wouldn’t be so happy if she was actually taking all of her grey, lifeless advice.

Her recent “4 Weeks to a Better Body” segment illustrates exactly what I’m taking about. Her advice to get thin in 4 weeks? Basically: make your life so boring food wise the pounds will drop off your body in pity.

Some example “tips”:

1) keep only one or two snack items in the house

One or two snack items? Who the hell enjoys eating the same damn thing over and over again? Even peanut butter filled pretzel bites lose their appeal if they’re my only “snack” source for an extended period of time. This method is sure to make me start hating foods I once loved. Read More »

[Click Here to read Part 1 of this series]

To the claim that romance novels are anti-feminist, well, it’s hard to argue this point. Not because romance novels are, in fact, anti-feminist. In fact, I would consider many of them to be extremely pro-female. No, it’s difficult because so many people have their minds set on what is considered under the umbrella of “feminist” and what isn’t, and those opinions are usually formed through one’s own life experiences.

So I will only say that I find a book like Jenny Crusie’s Bet Me more feminist, than, say, (Pitchforks at the ready?) Kate Chopin’s The Awakening. I applaud Chopin and, indeed, I even empathize greatly with her heroine, who is trying to establish herself as a woman as opposed to a mother or a wife amidst all that patriarchy. But I enjoy literature in which women are rewarded or at least not denigrated for their bold and brave decisions. Isn’t it more feminist appreciate a happy woman than to accept that the only way that she can be free is to die? I recall poor Anna Karenina, who threw herself under a g*ddamn train. What kind of a message is that?

It’s also patently untrue that all heroines featured in romance novels are unrealistically perfect looking with no problems (thus perpetuating unhealthy self-images in readers) . I would go as far as to say that most of the main female characters do have flaws in appearance or nature. The heroine in Bet Me is overweight and has low self esteem but her love interest sees her weight and interest in food as a good thing. She doesn’t have to lose weight to be loved, she is accepted for who she is. The novels in which women are loved instantly on sight because of their heart-stopping beauty or unerring kindness and generosity of spirit are almost always the least interesting ones, just like in real life. Read More »

Thin may be in on the runways, but the blogosphere is providing heavy men and women with a place to inspire each other–not to try the latest fad diet or lose that last 5 pounds, but to accept themselves as they are.

The fat acceptance movement has been growing steadily in response to the dwindling sizes of models, celebrities, and the average man or women who feels pressured to live up to those unrealistic standards. The primary message behind fat acceptance is one of health, not excess or loss of control. Because tools like BMI calculators do not take into account frame size or muscle percentage, many athletes and other healthy people are categorized as fat or even obese. This has contributed to shock figures like “6 out of 10 Americans are overweight“. Read More »

When I was a sophomore, I went kind of bonkers on my meal plan and totally ran outta free-food-cash at the end of my second semester.

While I was whiling away the couple of weeks between the end of the semester and sweet, sweet winter break, I ended up supplementing my meager collegiate diet with tons of grapefruit, since I was lucky enough to have a fruit tree in my backyard.

I came up with all kinds of ways of eating these acidic, pink babies: drizzling them with honey, cubing them in salads, juicing them, and slamming them down with a glass of O.J.

What I didn’t know then was that eating a little grapefruit with every meal helps you shave off pounds. Of course, thems were desperate times, and I don’t think I cared very much about stemming my freshman fifteen, but whatevs. Read More »

We might have figured out why the guy in the Dave Matthews’ video was soliciting for hugs…

To lose a few lb’s.

Family therapist Virginia Satir theorized we need 4 hugs a day to survive and 8 to 12 to thrive. Chances are most of our hug quotas aren’t up to par (let alone thriving). So how are we dealing with this lack of affection? Theories suggest being touch-deprived can translate into self-nurture – one being overeating.

According to WebMD, 75% of overeating is caused by emotions. We try to control our feelings by filling the void with indulgent goodies. So, if the theory is true, more hugs could possibly mean a slimmer waistline.

Besides, a possible factor to melt away some body fat, hugging has other benefits too. Increasing your daily hug intake can dramatically lower blood pressure and each hug boosts blood levels of oxytocin (a relaxing hormone).

Before you become a serial hugger, take a look at our hug tips to get the most out of your public displays of affections. Read More »

New Year’s Resolutions.

There’s really no way to put a new spin on the idea of keeping those little promises we make to ourselves right before the ball drops every January 1st. The idea of starting a new year with a clean slate is always tantalizing, but how many of us actually end up doing what we toast to doing at midnight?

Instead of dolling out general, Oprah-fied advice about keeping you resolutions, I’m gonna tell you what worked for me. Obviously, I don’t represent the majority of the population, but if someone with the willpower of -3 (read: cannot eat just one cookie or stop at first base) can keep herself on the right track with these examples, maybe you can too.

*Be Reasonable: Guaranteeing yourself that you’ll lose 50 pounds in three months or give up smoking cold turkey can be difficult promises to keep, and nothing fades away faster than a lofty promise. I say, make a timetable and take baby steps. I’ll start exercising more and go easy on the sugar, and, I will find a program or support to help me wean down my nicotine intake, are two very doable sentences. Start small, succeed, and go bigger. That’s the key.

*Keep a Journal: Writing down your daily progress towards your resolutions is a great way to keep yourself focused on your the original goal. An online blog, or even an old fashioned diary, are two techniques that will help you see the daily evolution from idea to actuality. Read More »