I still remember the date I had sex for the first time. It was July 16^th, and I was 16 years old. It’s odd that I remember the date, I realize, especially because it wasn’t any kind of mind-blowing experience. Looking back now, 16 seems really young – but it worked for me because I was ready. I had gotten on birth control, bought condoms, and, for lack of a better term, was ready to “get it over with.”

While I was far from the last of my friends to “lose it,” many of my close friends had already had sex, which put me in an advantageous position; I got to ask lots of questions. During these girl talk sessions, I heard the regular tidbits: it will hurt, you will bleed, and (what I was most mentally prepared for), you’re going to feel intensely attached to whoever “deflowers” you.

After a lot of anticipation, on a hot Monday afternoon,  I had sex for the first time. The moment came, the deed was done, and as I sat on the couch watching Yes, Dear with the guy I just had sex with, more than anything, I was confused. I didn’t feel any different. I didn’t instantly fall in love, I wasn’t sore, and I didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about. What’s the big deal with virginity if I’m going to be the exact same person after I do have sex?

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti for the last little while, and it’s sparked a new interest in me about the phenomenon that is virginity. I’ll avoid the topic of purity and measuring the morality of a woman by her hymen (we’ll save that for another day), but the book has made me realize all the lies we are told about virginity. Even the language – “losing” it, being “deflowered,” having your v-card “stolen,” makes it sound like sex is some kind of black hole for innocence.

So, let’s tackle some virginity myths that need to be debunked.

Pain and blood. While, for some women, the first time having sex can be uncomfortable and slightly painful, it’s not always the case. The pain and bleeding comes from breaking the hymen – which not all women will still have intact, even if they are virgins. Sports, tampons, and masturbation are just a few of the ways that your hymen can break before having intercourse, so don’t be surprised if there’s no blood or pain. Being well lubricated, relaxed, and lots of foreplay will definitely help with making your first time more comfortable.

Stage 5 clinger. Yes, dopamine and serotonin are released during orgasm, which can lead to feelings of love and deep attraction.  But, as any one that has used a vibrator will tell you – that doesn’t mean you’re going to fall in love with what gave you that orgasm. Plus, I hate to say it, but most women won’t have an orgasm during their first time (especially since 75% of women can’t orgasm through intercourse anyway). Feelings don’t necessarily hinge on sex – but don’t be too surprised if you feel more connected with whoever it was you had sex with. That is the point, after all.

Goodbye, old self. The idea that consensually having someone’s penis inside of you is going to change who you are as a person is kind of preposterous. You’ll still be the same person, you won’t suddenly be immoral, and a switch won’t flip in your head that will make you promiscuous.

Oh, baby. If you don’t use protection, you can get pregnant. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first time, or 201^st time, sperm + egg = embryo. Same goes for STIs – there isn’t some kind of “get out of disease free” card just because it’s your first time. Be smart.

Was that it? Sex gets better, I promise. The first time can be awkward and uncomfortable, but with time and practice, it all works out. But…

Low expectations. Just because it’s your first time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not going to be pleasurable. Enjoy it for what it is — you only get one first time!

"Ok, so I'm on top. What do I do now!?"

Losing your virginity is huge. It’s been built up since the birds and the bees talk, and everyone you know gives you a different description of what it’s actually going to be like.

Grandma preaches about how she waited for marriage and how the only man she ever slept with was your grandfather, which kept her from getting those dirty diseases the youngsters are getting these days. Your parents just beg you to wait for college when you’re out of their house, and protect yourself so you aren’t bringing home their grandchildren on your winter break. Then there’s your slutty friend who boasted about how great it was and had all the boys following her through the halls of high school.

But when we sit down and look back on how it actually was when we decided to lose our virginity, it isn’t easily summed up into one simple tip or anecdote. It was more like a 30-minute (if you were one of the lucky ones) progression into womanhood.

After reading The Frisky’s perspective on the stages men go through when losing their virginity, I was not only enlightened (seriously, who knew guys thought so much?!), but it got me thinking of my own first time and the stages I went through as it was all goin’ down.

Perhaps you can relate…

Apprehension
I’ve been planning this moment forever and the day is finally here. My hands are clammy and I’m going back and forth between clenching my vagina as if trying to ward off the impending penetration and dreaming about how romantic it will all be (based solely on my weekly viewing of The Notebook). When the time comes, I’m wearing my sexiest pair of undies but, ugh, why do my boobs flop out to the side like that when I’m laying on my back? And am I doing this right? Should I be making more noises? Does this position make me look fat? Suck it in. SUCK. IT. IN.

The Decline
About 15 minutes into it, I am blindsided by a flood of emotion that comes out of nowhere. Am I…no wait…that is NOT a tear! Omg, it is a tear. I’m crying. This can’t be happening. It’s okay, he doesn’t notice. Just pretend it’s sweat. But why should I be ashamed? It’s not my fault I have a surge of estrogen that suddenly reminds me of the magnitude of the situation. It’s momentous and life changing. Do I love you? Should we get married? Omg, did I just say I love you out loud!? I don’t think he heard me. Say something dirty to cover it up! Wait! Do I love him? No! Maybe? No. Okay, maybe I do. Damn you, emotions. Okay, sanity regained. Let’s just do this.

Mass Chaos
Is this how it’s supposed to go? This feels…weird. Wait, what am I doing? OW! Did something just pop? That did NOT feel good! What are my parents going to think? They’re totally gonna know. My mom’s going to tell grandma; I’ll never be able to show my face at Christmas dinner. Why the hell am I thinking about grandma right now? EW! Is the condom still on? I don’t feel it. Omg, I’m going to get pregnant. I really have to pee. I think I am going to pee. I cannot hold it in. This is a nightmare. Oh wait, that doesn’t feel half bad… Hey, I kinda like this. Keep doing that. Make noises so he knows you like it. Mmmm.

Triumph
I finally did it. I’m no longer “the virgin” of the group, which automatically disabled me from every girl chat about sex, men and late night rendezvous’. I’m not going to deny it, I feel great. I’m a real woman now! Perhaps there is a little physical damage, I’m almost positive I am going to be walking like I spent the night horseback riding come tomorrow morning, but mentally I couldn’t feel better. Oh wait. Go pee. But cover up; he doesn’t need to see your cellulite. Wait. Stop being crazy. You guys just had sex. OMG. I just had sex! My friends are totally gonna freak when I tell them. They need to know immediately. Ok, he’s facing the other way. Is he sleeping? WTF? Whatever, just grab the Blackberry and bring it to bathroom. Mass texting is in order!

Big deal, right?  Well, clearly with the absurd amount of publicity surrounding her most recent interview with Health magazine, where this alleged shocking secret was revealed, it is obvious that to many, this is a big deal.  But why?  If people spent half the time obsessing about literally anything of the slightest bit more importance, our world would have a lot less to worry about.

Having sex for the first time has evolved into one of society’s biggest concerns and issues of controversy.  With movies like American Pie, teens have been brainwashed into believing that they’re some freak misfits if they haven’t sealed the deal before graduating high school.  All that the media has done is distorted the truth.  Just because nowadays some teens are having sex before they freakin’ finish puberty, doesn’t mean that, 1.  Everyone is doing that and 2. There is a right or appropriate age to do so.  In fact, as a college student, I have met many people, older and younger than me that have held on to their virginity for whatever reason, and it honestly has not changed my opinion about them at all, nor should it!

What kind of society do we live in where waiting until you are in your 20’s to lose your virginity is a bad, a weird, or an abnormal age to do so?

Call me crazy, but I used to think that losing your virginity was a somewhat private and personal matter.  Everyone is different and comfortable with sex in his or her own way and should be able to decide if and when they are ready without being judged, questioned, or, in Brooke Shields’ case, considered the latest juiciest gossip.  Virgin or not, does it really define who you are as a person?

As a society, we really need to just let go of the whole virginity thing, because at this rate I wouldn’t be surprised if 40-Year-Old Virgin was remade into 20-Year-Old Virgin (starring Jonah Hill, of course).