Where I live, today — Groundhogs Day — means nothing. Six more weeks of winter in Florida means six weeks of complaining about how it’s supposed to be winter, but it’s 90 degrees outside instead. So the main thing I associate with today is the beloved Bill Murray movie in which Murray’s character repeats the same day again and again.

That may be fun if you’re repeating the best spring break ever or the day you skipped class to watch Dance Moms all day, but there are some days I would NEVER want to relive. You couldn’t pay me a billion million gazillion dollars to go back and live through these days again…especially the ones involving blood. Ew.

1. The Day You Got Your First Period

One day in the fifth grade, I went to pee and found blood. I wanted to believe I had scratched my vagina, because I was NOT ready for my period. My mom had talked to me about periods the year before, and I remember thinking it was too gross, so I would just never get a period. Well, I couldn’t outsmart Aunt Flow. So I trudged home and had to tell my mom, who was THRILLED and immediately drove me to CVS to buy all the pads in the world.

2. The First Time You Got Your Heart Broken

You probably somewhat relive this day in your head anytime a John Mayer song is on the radio, but at least you aren’t ACTUALLY reliving it. Nobody wants to hear those dreadful break-up or rejection words ever again. However, I know we would all love to relive the first time we made our ex-boyfriends jealous with a fabulous new hair color, a new job that will make your life better than his, or the time he saw you with your new boyfriend who happens to look JUST like Ryan Gosling.

3. The Day You REALLY messed up

Maybe you cheated on someone you really liked, or maybe you made a huge mistake at a big internship, either way, we all have those days where we f*cked up. Since you’ve already learned from your mistake, and you know not to ever do something like that again, there’s no reason we need to relive this day. Let’s just move on.

4. The Day You Lost Your Virginity

This could also be called “The day you learned sex is not like the car sex scene in Titanic.” This day was most likely filled with a lot of nerves and pain (and maybe alcohol for some people). Why would you ever want to relive this bad sex day when you are so good at sex now? No thank you.

5. That One Day You Got Black-Out Drunk, Made Out With a Thousand Guys, Danced On Tables and Puked On Your Nice Shoes. Then You Had to Walk Home Because The Taxi Gave You Motion Sickness, and You Got Hit On By That Crazy Old Homeless Man on Your Walk Home. Then Once You Got Home You Realized You Had No Carb-Filled Foods To Soak Up Your Alcohol So You Kept Puking on Your Carpet, and Now There’s a Big Stain, So You Aren’t Getting Your Security Deposit Back.

We all need one of those days so we know not to do it again, but never two or more of those days.

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[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,

My best guy friend and I started hooking up 4 weeks ago after a kinda testing the waters to see if we were both interested in becoming more then friends. I am OK with being a FWB but am also OK with more. That being said, I am having a hard time reading his signals. He has always been the guy who will come pick me up and go to dinner, or just hang out and watch TV. He’s a nice guy. He likes to cuddle and to just look at me and kiss my body. Don’t get me wrong I’m a fan of both, but they catch me as more relationship behaviors. We are both virgins but I know that he wants to have sex and, to be honest I want to have sex, too. I’m 20 and he’s a guy that I can completely trust with anything. Am I fooling myself into thinking we can just be FWB if we have sex, does he like me more?

-New at This

Dear New at This,

According to urbandictionary.com “Friends with Benefits” is defined as: “Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.” First of all, FWB cannot survive as a long term arrangement. There’s no exit strategy. One or both of you will eventually want more, or less. The other issue with friends having sex sans emotional involvement is that, because you’re friends, you’re already emotionally involved with each other! Here are possible outcomes for an FWB arrangement:

Happily Ever After: You fall in love with each other.

Boyfriend? As if!: You sleep with someone else and discover that your FWB isn’t the best option available.

Abandoned to the Land of Haagen Dazs: You fall faster and harder than he does. You ask him to sign an exclusive contract and he decides to become a free agent.

Sexual tension can be addictive and enthralling. There are several examples of friends that spent years dancing around performing the horizontal mambo (why doesn’t anyone call it the “vertical worm”?): Nigel Crane and Daphne Moon (Frasier), Ross and Rachel (did anyone on Friends have last names?), Dan Humphrey and Serena van der Woodsen (*cringe* Gossip Girl), Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker (curses, NBC, you’ve taken away my Chuck and replaced it with glittery Johnny Weir). Unfortunately, once the “will they or won’t they” element was removed, their ratings plummeted.

Now, I realize that your life isn’t a TV show (although, who knows? Maybe MTV will come knocking on your door for some new reality show soon), but this trend does translate into real life. Things are really good with you and the friend now, but there is no guarantee that will stay the same once you hit the sheets. Sex can change everything, especially when it’s your first time.

And especially, especially if, as it seems, one party has deeper feelings than the other.

But, if you’re really set on this just remember: the key to any relationship is communication. Whether you’re going to be FWB or more, you’ve got to set the ground rules and lay it all out there. The greatest killer of any relationship is holding back. This doesn’t have to be a make it or break it conversation, if handled with the right amount of tact, but it will alleviate any burdens from unanswered questions. He’s your best friend so treat him like one, and tell him what’s on your mind.  All of it.

No matter where you’re going, the best place to start from is an honest one.

Use contraception,
The Dude

Question for Tuffy?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and leave a message at the BEEEEEEP.

Tuffy Question: Hey, where all the lesbians at?! How come I never hear from you girls?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we are just crazy about each other, but we are still virgins.  We were originally saving our virginity for religious/moral reasons, but we both changed our minds on that and want to have intercourse now.  However, we each live in our parents’ homes and his family is super-religious.  And if someone finds out, both of us will be in deep trouble.  Apart from simply waiting, what can we do?

–All revved up with nowhere to go

Dear Revved,

What can you do?! Why, many a thing, young lass! Let’s see–

But first, let lil’ ol’ Tuffy just lil’ ol’ say: ALWAYS USE CONDOMS. In EVERY situation. In ANY genital exchange, with ANY gender. Okay?! CONDOMS. CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS.

Okay, that said, first, I want to say that I am writing this advice to you, girl, assuming that you are of consenting age. Okay? Please, young ‘uns, wait till you’re ready. You should never feel pressure to have sex before YOU are ready to do it. No one tells you what to do with your body–you are your own and only your own.

So, now the fun! Things you can do:

1. Intercourse: Yes, you can have intercourse. Just take it slow. Kiss a lot. Talk, giggle, don’t take it too seriously. Just do what comes naturally. And, importantly: Tell him if it’s hurting you. Let’s be real, girls, it hurts the first time, but if you have a gentle and patient partner, he’ll go slow when you need him to and it’ll be much, much better. And, frankly, if you don’t have a gentle and patient partner, I highly recommend dumping his ass.

2. Making Out: What’s wrong with just heavy making out?! This can be a great precursor to sex. It’ll really help you find out what turns you guys on. Kissing and touching is the perfect way to experiment without having to go too far.

3. Oral Sex: This is SEX – oral is NOT casual. You still need a condom for this one (sorry, kids – no one likes the herp). Okay, the main thing here is being equals; you give him, and he gives you. It’s all about reciprocity. And it’s also all about listening. Don’t just get down there and try to look like a porn star; that ain’t doin’ nothin’ for no one. Listen to his reactions and learn from them (and expect him to do the same for you!!). And don’t be too shy to read up on the subject for tips (so to speak).

4. Manual Stimulation: You actually don’t need a condom for this one, but make sure the hands are CLEAN (and that you have a condom nearby, just in case you decide you want to switch activities). Again, feel each other out (haha. No, but seriously). See what works for you guys. It’s just touching to make each other feel good – remember, this is a person you love.

5. Anal: Okay, not for the beginner. Work your way up to this one. And, if you do eventually go there, use condoms and tons of lube.

Places, given the circumstances, where you can do said things:

1. Backseat of a car
2. Friend’s place (with friend’s permission, of course)
3. As a last resort, save up money and rent a hotel room during daytime hours (so no one gets suspicious)

This is all assuming you love each other. Remember, kids, Aunt Tuffy Sez: Don’t rush into anything. Sex is so much better when there’s love involved.

Good luck to you, girl. Use condoms, be safe, have fun!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she will judge you,  you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.

We thought we’d help and every Thursday our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I am still a virgin. It’s not because I’m religious or anything – I just haven’t met the right person. The only thing is that I’m finally ready to sleep with this guy, but I don’t know if I should tell him or not? Guys seem to get pretty freaked out about that kind of stuff. Is it possible to just do it and not tell him?

A: I hear ya, sister! It’s a lot of responsibility to be someone’s first.  But it’s also a big decision on your part. I remember when I was young and a girlfriend told me, “You’ll never forget your first. And a part of you will always love him and feel connected to him.”  She called it “getting stuck,” because the bonding experience of losing your virginity acts like glue.  In my case, she was absolutely right.  Part of me still loves the guy who took my cherry. So think twice about how you make this decision.

As for whether the guy gets freaked out, I say tell him and let him accept that responsibility. If he’s too freaked out to be your first, don’t give it away to him. You want someone who knows it’s your first time, can handle the responsibility that comes with that, and cares enough to make sure you feel nurtured, loved, and accepted when you lose your virginity.

Is it possible to just do it and not tell him? Yeah. But your body may give you away. If your hymen is still intact, you may bleed, which might clue him in. Also, the first time can be very painful. Your reaction may tell him. But why hide it? If you trust him enough to make the very mature decision to have sex with him, I hope you trust him with the truth.

Not to get on my soapbox, but don’t forget about birth control and disease prevention. Make sure you use a condom, and you might want to talk to your gynecologist about more effective birth control, like The Pill, Depo-Provera, the patch, or the vaginal ring. While condoms will help protect you from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, they’re not perfect at either. So keep that in mind when you choose a partner. Do you know where that penis has been? Don’t be embarrassed to ask. It’s your right to know.  And if you haven’t gotten the HPV vaccine yet, consider getting it before you have sex the first time. It could protect you from a lifetime of genital warts, abnormal pap smears, and cervical cancer.

Blessings to you as you venture forth on this path, sweetie. Listen to your intuition and embark on this journey with faith in yourself and trust in your partner.

A: Although I’m not exactly of the mind that your first time is/has to be the candlelit, looking-into-his-eyes, two-souls-connecting kind of sex, I do firmly believe you’ll both be better off if he knows that it is indeed your first time. And not just because it’s the “right” thing to do, although I do feel like he has the right to know, if only because that kind of lie is a rocky foundation on which to build a relationship (if that’s what you want to do).

But besides that, think about yourself! Sometimes, when two people sleep together for the first time, it’s hesitant, sweet, get-to-know-you sex. Sometimes it’s not and you’re up against the wall and swinging from the ceiling fan. Believe me, it would benefit you that your first time isn’t the latter. Yes, he should be sensitive to your needs anyway, whether or not you’re a virgin, but a little extra TLC wouldn’t hurt for your first time around–and he can’t necessarily provide that if he has no idea.

That said, if you’re sure you’re ready to have sex and sure that you’re ready to have sex with him, then there’s no need to making a huge, dramatic event out of telling him. Pick a good time–not while you’re hooking up, and definitely not right as you’re about to have sex–and then take your advice from Nike and Just Do It. The more casual and at-ease you appear about it when you tell him, the more likely he is to not make a big deal out of it. I would wait until the hooking up has gotten hot and heavy, and then at some point that night, just say something like “by the way, and I don’t want this to freak you out, but I’m a virgin. I don’t have any complexes about it or anything, but I just wanted you to be aware of it if we sleep together.”

Approached the right way, I think you might be surprised at how understanding he is. Use protection, and have fun!

Got a question for Pillow Talk? Email it to pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and we’ll tackle it next time!

[Photo via Dear Sugar]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a college sophomore and, until recently, I was planning to save myself for marriage. But I just recently I started dating the guy of my dreams and I think I’m ready to have sex with him. My question is what are some books where can I read about how to have sex? Not like kinky weird sex, just doing it for the first time. Help!

Thanks!!!!!!!

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Girl, before I get around to actually dis-pen-sing this advice to you, first I wanna say two things:

(1) Make sure you really want to lose it to this guy before you do it. Tuffy ain’t no abstinence advisor–I believe that having sex is a VERY healthy and important part of having an adult relationship–but if this was an important thing to you, make sure you’re not just caving into pressure. That said, if you do decide to go through with it, good for you! Sex is fanf*ckingtastic! BUT

(2) Be safe! Always use a condom. You got that, honey? Every. Single. Time. And you might want to look into the pill, too (in ADDITION to the condom), but that’s between you and your ob/gyn.

Now onto the actual advice:

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex, Third Edition by Sari Locker

Chock full o’ all sorts of information. Great for a virgin looking to try something new, but also excellent for the rest of us who sometimes just need a little brush up. Not that Tuffy ever needs to brush up. But if she did, this would be great.

The Orgasm Bible: The Latest Research and Techniques for Reaching More Powerful Climaxes More Often by Susan Crain Bakos

Lots of illustrations, plus it’s geared toward you (as opposed to Cosmo’s approach of “how to please your man”–blegh).

Sex and the Perfect Lover: Tao, Tantra, and the Kama Sutra by Mabel Iam

A more spiritual approach to sex and love. Also a very hot read.

But, honey, more important than reading books about sex is bonding with your guy and finding out what turns the two of you on together. Touch, talk, feel, and you will have great sex.

AND USE PROTECTION!!!

May the sex be with you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Some women get to have the dreamy, stereotypical first time. The love of your life surprises you with a romantic evening alone and it ends up in the bedroom. He tells you he loves you and all that jazz.

Well, you know what? Some of us would like to forget our first time, and “some of us” includes me. I’m not saying I regret it, but I sure as heck wish I’d put more thought into it and had better judgement.

I was young and stupid, and depressed. I was 16, a junior in high school, and had never been in love. My friends were hooking up and wondering why I’d never been able to have a boyfriend for longer than a week. I was never the “It” girl, I was more of the “one of the guys” girl. I’d never been told I was beautiful by any guy, I’d never been told I love you by anyone besides my parents.

So, my self-esteem really wasn’t all that great when my ex-boyfriend put the moves on me. During a play rehearsal. In a storage closet. And the cherry on top was the fact that after 2 minutes he just got dressed and left. TOTAL D-BAG!!!!!

No romance. No foreplay. No cuddling afterwards. Sooo not the ideal conditions to lose your virginity.

At times I regret the choice, but overall it’s not so bad. It’s a funny story to tell at parties, and it pretty much prepared me for any awkward sex situation that would ever happen again. Basically, it prepared me for the real world. Plus, now that I’m having great sex with a man I love, it makes me appreciate it more. My bad first time ended up helping me in the long run.

I know I’m not alone out here. Any other awkward/bad first time stories?