So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO?

Question 4:
Who in their right mind would let such an adorable child interact with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? Oh, and that hipster dude with the ‘stache. I can see it now: an E! True Hollywood story on the Speidi-kid-next-door. That kid is effed.

Question 5:
What is up with the MTV labels these days? When Justin Bobby is hanging out with Kristin he’s being labeled “Audrina’s Ex Boyfriend.” And Brody is being referred to as “Kristin’s Ex Boyfriend”? Uh, MTV, we know who these guys are; not only do they not need a label at all, but they definitely don’t need labels that stir the pot and start more dramz.

Question 6:
Uh, where is Luke Verge, Brody’s BFF that he chose on Bromance? Why wasn’t he at the party?

Question 7:
Hey Brody, when did you get so deep: ““Love is a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong.”

Question 8:
Which will come first: the end of Spencer’s cowboy-hat-wearing days or the end of Speidi’s marriage? On second thought, when will those two turds just GO AWAY?