Of all things corrupting the youth of America, the very worst is Cosmopolitan magazine. Sure, it’s the best-selling lifestyle bible of the female demographic, but now that the publication is putting actresses like Dakota Fanning and Selena Gomez on the cover, the printed pamphlet for blended orgasms and all-star blowjobs seems to be catering to a new generation of sexually active females—you know, middle school girls around twelve or thirteen years old, right?

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"Lindsay Untamed"? Shouldn't that just be "Lindsay on a Wednesday"?

There it was, hiding behind a few GQ magazines on the top shelf in a florescent lit aisle of Target.  I stood on my tippy toes and extended my arm to reach for the red letters and glossy pages of Maxim. And as I lifted the thin magazine by its pages and into my view, my mouth dropped and a sourpuss equal to those of Sammi Sweetheart washed over my face.  Why, you ask?

Lindsay Lohan was touching herself in a skimpy, striped, frilly swimsuit on the cover.

But, do not fret; I must have been exuding some good karma lately because a bonus mini-mag inside this month’s issue appeared in my fingertips: ‘Maxim Campus Cuties: The Hottest College Girls In America.’ Anndddd, in the name of all things good looking ladies, Maxim has redeemed themselves. Let’s get reading.

This month, Maxim showed old people some love when they dedicated a small article to our wrinkled warriors called, ‘Hooray for Old People!’ In it, grandmas and papas shared some hilarious tales, like the time that one granny drove her kids around on the top of their Buick. That brought on the LOLs. In Maxim’s monthly sex article, they actually provided us with a purty hilarious bit called ‘Just the Tips.’ It featured silly sex advice from various magazines (Editor’s Note: Like this one, perhaps??) and some hilarious stories about a Maxim author trying them with her boyfriend. One of the quotes from the story to give you a little insight: “When it comes to massage his legs with a rolling pin, I balk. Who do they think I am, Betty freaking Crocker?” You can only imagine the turns that article took. Amazeballs. Read More »

Ok, wow – the September issue of Glamour is so thick and heavy I want to beat Spencer Pratt over the head with it whenever he tries to find enlightenment and become a better person by wearing tie-dye and rubbing his face with crystals.  It’s stock full of over 400 (!!) pages and it’s the biggest issue in 20 years.

That’s a lot room for ad space fabulous articles, Glamour. This is good!  Just another reason to love September.

Well, first of all – this issue was tantalizingly fabulous.  Honestly, after flipping through 89 pages of ads, I read it cover to cover in about 2 hours – the way you read a magazine when you have a lot of time on your hands and you want to sink everything all in (reading the copy of the ads and the editor’s note).  September’s Glamour featured a lengthy spread with Justin Bieber awkwardly hanging out in an arcade with a (significantly older) female model.  However, J-Lo spiced up the pages with a totally hot photo shoot wearing leopard print, writing on mirrors with lipstick, and eating Chinese take-out decked out in stilettos and cat woman glasses. Standard.

Other articles told me what my headaches really mean, how to perfect a beautoumous blow-out, a fab article about perfecting the ‘classic look’ with Tommy Hilfiger, and the ever-so-helpful ‘Girl’s Guide to Appetizers,’ which made me curse everything I’ve lived for since I’ve thought quesadillas were the healthy choice.  At 1,000 calories a pop, Glamour claimed otherwise. For some reason I just received the same feeling in the pit of my stomach as I did when my mother told me Santa Clause wasn’t real.

Anywho, within in the depths of the juicy pages of Glamour this month (I seriously had such a such a good time reading this issue that I brought it with me to the bathroom….twice. Stupid quesadillas…), a particular article made me stop my heavy page scanning in my tracks. Entitled ‘Six Ways to Rule the World,’ I, an ambitious yet unemployed recent grad, was ready for some inspiration. Read More »

In an effort to beat the winter bulge and get my body back into shape for a weekend of bikini-clad fun come July 4th, I decided to pump up the volume on my workout last night. And now I can’t move. Even typing up this very post is sending shooting pains up my arms and I’ve completely given up on reading this website due to the extreme pain that comes with laughing.

And to top it all off, it’s an ugly, rainy day in Chicago. If I didn’t have the Glee soundtrack blasting from my iTunes right now, I’d fall into a deep funk and claw my way out with a gallon of ice cream. Which, of course, would completely defeat the purpose of my post-workout paralysis.

So in an effort to forget about the fact that I can’t move my legs without crying, I will focus on something else. Like this week’s “Would You Rather….”

Would You Rather have an unpaid summer internship with a boss like Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada or a summer job making bank as a nanny for the brattiest group of triplets you can imagine? Read More »

I was not excited to pick up the July edition of Glamour. Am I the only one who has a mildly irrational dislike of Jessica Biel? I mean, it’s not like she’s relevant enough to be impossible to escape, and I’ve finally gotten therapy grown up and accepted the fact that I will never be Mrs. Timberlake, so it’s not her long-term relationship with Justin that bothers me. And, I mean, really, how could I possibly hate on someone with such a killer body? And yet, every time I see a photo of her, I kind of make a Blair Waldorf face.

Then, when I opened the magazine, there was an ad for Uggs (vom) and in it, the female model was wearing a dress. With bare legs. And it was clearly summer. I thought we collectively let that go in 2004. Sigh.

Continuing to flip through the magazine, I didn’t see anything else particularly offensive (but did you know there are personal trainers for your vagina?! And there are vaginal weights?!) Then I got to this article entitled “The Hardest Words for a Guy To Say Are…” Oh lovely, yet another article detailing the ways in which boys refuse to be human. According to Glamour, these are the phrases dudes find it most difficult to spit out:

Glamour says: ”A little help, please?”
Jasmine says: I think this severely underestimates the intelligence of the average non-douche. The majority of guys who are in healthy and functional relationships are comfortable with asking for a little help every now and then, whether it’s with advanced calculus homework or beer pong strategy. Read More »

When a tiny picture of a naked “plus-size” model showed up on page 194 of Glamour last month, the readers went wild for it.

And for good reason. How often is it that we are shown a beautiful woman that isn’t a size zero, comfortable in her own skin and naked on the pages of any magazine?

We’ll ignore the fact that being able to “pinch and inch” doesn’t make you plus-size and that this women pictured (who looks maybe a size 8, tops) still isn’t representing a huge portion of the female population who actually are wearing plus sizes. At least we are making a step in the right direction.

Or are we?

After Glamour cashed in on a crapload of press and positive publicity from the picture, Marie Clare decided they wanted in and will now feature a plus-size columnist who plans to give fashion advice to plus sized readers.

While it’s a good start that she actually is plus sized (a size 18 to be exact) and will be able to give helpful and honest advice to other women her size, I still can’t help but wonder what the real motivation is behind this trend to cater to the plus sized readers.

I doubt it’s a coincidence that as sales plummet and magazine companies are dropping like hungry models, they are finally realizing a whole population of their readership has been left out of every fall fashion special, every swimsuit edition, every best-jeans-for-your-body article. Why now?

I’m afraid that the answer is self-serving and superficial: they want to make money. They are capitalizing on and exploiting a whole population of woman in order to boost sales.

Do I love that we are able to have diversity in what we consider beautiful? Yes. Does a picture of a naked plus-size woman bring a smile to my face? Yes. Is it necessary to have fashion advice for women of all shapes and sizes? Absolutely! Read More »

We’ve all heard of Vision Boards. Whether it be from The Secret, The Oprah Show, or that crazy chick on The Bachelor who went on and on (and on) about hers the first night she met Jason. And then got kicked off. (But don’t let her bad luck turn you off; it wasn’t the vision board that sent her packing. That bitch was crazy.)

So, what are vision boards?
Vision Boards put your thoughts on paper, and force you to sit down and really evaluate what you want for yourself in the future – be it tomorrow or 2 years from now. And they stop you from going down a path you don’t really want. Not to mention looking at those images every day is a constant reminder of your dreams and goals and makes you that much more motivated to work towards making them a reality.

You can make them big or small. Mini vision boards are great for smaller goals. I have a mini vision board in my kitchen, which reminds me of my goal to stay healthy whenever I’m reaching for the pizza takeout menus. And I have one over my desk, filled with images and words that remind me of my long term academic goals so I don’t stray when I should be studying.

And then there are the biggies – a vision board for your life, filled with what you want to achieve in many aspects of your future: school, career, love, dreams….anything.

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When you see a perfectly sculpted star on the cover of a magazine, don’t let yourself be fooled. They may look like they pray to the treadmill gods each day, but they are also just as human as we are. These ladies have curves, dimples, scars, warts and all the other things we pick at ourselves for. But thanks to the magic of Photoshop, their flaws can be hidden with the click and drag of a mouse.

Every so often, a brave celeb comes forward and acknowledges her body for the beautiful reality that it is. Recently, photos from a Complex magazine shoot with the bootylicious Kim Kardashian were accidently leaked onto the magazine’s website. In this assortment of pics were a couple shots of KK, pre-Photoshop, in all her luscious glory. A side-by-side comparison reveals the extent of her photo’s retouching: Read More »

I think every little girl one day dreams of being a fashion magazine editor. The glamour, the celebrity and the image that comes along with it is pretty damn appealing. Not to mention, writing and editing pieces on designers, beautiful clothes, shoes, bags … for some of us it would be a dream-come-true.

And then that little girl watched the season premier of Stylista last night and her dream was shattered. Caddy bitches, huge egos, image scrutinization, drama, drama and more drama — this all defines the fashion industry. A thick skin (and a pair of skinny jeans) is what you’ll need to survive.

Now as someone who isn’t really into the fashion thang, I found last night’s show ridiculous and comical.

First thought, “Who the hell names their child Cologne?”

Second thought, “Ew, Megan’s a bitch.” Keep in mind, this stance was established within the first 3 minutes and grew to, “Ew, I hate Megan AND Dyshaun.” (I think I’ll refer to these two awful people as the “Bitch Twins” from this point forward because somehow they fell in love with each other’s down right nasty personalities.)

Third thought, “Anne Slowey walks funny in her shoes. Shouldn’t fashion editors be high-heel masters? I know I am.” Read More »

Ice-T’s wife Coco has been making a fashion statement since the two were married in 2005.  Demure, she is not, but all about promoting herself — she is.  Recently, Ms. Double C (or Double D’s…depending on how literal you want to get) began a new venture: a magainze all about herself.

There’s not much else to say except…I’m sure there’s an audience for this.