I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy.

But alas I was wrong. Instead, I was treated to a one page enigma trying to draw a distinct line between playing it cool and being aloof. If generations of stitch-n-bitching hasn’t nailed this down, Cosmo, I highly doubt that you’ve suddenly discovered the perfect way to play “the game.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the mind bottling (yes I am one of the 5 people who saw Blades of Glory) conclusion, let’s explore Cosmo’s genius reasoning as to why “Today, it’s not a woman’s money, prestige or beauty that is so enticing, but more a cocktail of personality traits and, yes, a certain bitchiness,” that win over men.

Cosmo Says: “We noticed in December…how baseball play Alex Rodriguez shamelessly followed Madonna around like a little poodle…Clearly, as Madonna proves, being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.”

Kari Says: Ok, I’ll buy it. I’m down with female empowerment and self confidence. The only problem with Madonna’s “Ballsiness” is that the average guy might find it a little too literal. I mean, most guys in my dating range aren’t major league baseball players desperate for someone to dominate them. Actually, the idea of a 50 year old body builder in a top hat and sequined spandex bossing them around just doesn’t sound too appealing (or so I’m told). So perhaps Madonna isn’t exactly the best role model for this “fierce type of female allure.”

Cosmo Says: “Another part of the mix is appearing as anything but needy…Simply put, showing a bit of ‘I like you, but I could live without you’ attitude is intriguing to men.”

Kari Says: Wait—so it’s bad if I tell him that will die without his love after the second drink he buys me? What if I just explain to him that I’m totally available at any given time that he wants to hang out, just so he knows that he won’t have to worry about rejection? Oh, those are both bad? Well, thank goodness you finally published this article, Cosmo, I don’t know how you didn’t discover this groundbreaking attitude decades earlier.

Cosmo Says: “A third component of this woman’s draw is that she turns herself into a prize worth seeking.”

Kari Says: Hm, where to begin. I guess I’ll start where Cosmo completely devalues women as people and suggests that we objectify ourselves to obtain suitable partners. So much for feminism, the trick to being a worthwhile human being is to be a really great potential girlfriend! And the only way to do so is to make myself into a “prize worth seeking.” Did the scene on Jasmine’s balcony in Aladdin mean nothing to you, Cosmo? And I quote: “ I am not a prize to be won!” Christ, if Disney could get it right…

Cosmo Says: “What isn’t as important as you think? Appearance. Also, don’t employ aloofness—it’s too old school.”

Kari Says: Alright, inner beauty. Nice recovery Cosmo, after the whole trophy GF thing. I’m just a bit confused considering that your advice to let him know that I could “live without him.” Would that be considered aloof? See, there’s the problem with trying to specifically label aloofness and intrigue. Whatevs, I have faith that your final paragraph will lead me unerringly to man-magnetism.

Cosmo Says: “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.”

Kari Says: WHAT?!?! That was completely inconclusive! You just cancelled out everything else you told me to do! And moreover, that is totally not a “new attitude.” It’s just some incredibly vague advice. So basically what I have to do to find a decent guy is act like a bitch, then act like Madonna, then be aloof, then sacrifice my worth as a woman, then DON’T be aloof, and most importantly, don’t wait too long to put out or he’ll get bored. Thank you, Cosmo, for once again reaffirming that you know all concerning love, lust and womanhood.

What did you think of “The Bitchy Little Move Men Love?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it bamboozled me. Any other complaints? I personally found it hard to believe that all Marissa Miller does to maintain her Victoria’s Secret bod are those cute little stretches on pg 159. Are you scared to orgasm thanks to pg 140? Let’s hear it.