Dear Dude,

I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.  I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve come close, but no guy ever wanted to be more than a fling or something other than a friend. I have, not unlike a recent post to you, been perpetually pushed into the friend zone. Something of a specialty of mine.  I suppose in compliment to me, most guys I’ve hooked up with (I mean PG level hookup only..I’m not the type to go all the way without a relationship) in the past have always wanted to maintain an active friendship with me and are usually making the bigger effort. All the while making it clear they want nothing else.

This has been fine and it’s nice to have guys as close friends I can rely on, and feel wanted by in a respected way.  What becomes a problem is my position as not only a friend, but I tend to become a pseudo-girlfriend without any of the actual benefits or titles thereof.  Time and time again I will befriend a guy, we’ll be close and I somehow become the one he calls every Friday or Saturday night to chat. At one point, one of my best guy friends and I were around each other so much most people assumed we were dating.  Normally I’m happy to have close friendships like this; after all it gives me company too and I appreciate the friendship that’s there.

But every time without fail, no matter how long we’ve been friends, as soon as another girl enters the picture as a potential love interest or relationship everything drops off the map. A guy friend I talked to every week or for ages, all of a sudden I don’t hear from for months. No explanation, no real responses to my messages/texts, nothing. At least two of these cases it’s only me that the guy seems to be ignoring more, not his guy friends.

Maybe I’m a pushover, I shouldn’t be talking to them that much in the first place. I guess I cave when I’m a bit lonely too..but more often because I genuinely enjoy the friendships I have while it’s happening.  In some of these cases I guess I’m holding out hope he’ll eventually want something more with me or even if not, I’ll have a good guy friend I can rely on when we’re both in other relationships.  That never happens and the few times I’ve made the leap to make the first move, the guys have made it clear that they didn’t like me that way.

The worst part is, while I’m in these pseudo-relationships I can’t actually be on my way to finding a real one, because the talking the hangouts happen with every guy and I have no idea how I’m supposed to know the difference between the ones I should and shouldn’t waste my time on… I’m out of angles!

Very stuck here, dude and no idea how to get out of it.  Would appreciate anything you have to offer on this.

Sincerely,
The Temporary Replacement

Dear The Temporary Replacement,

Trust me when I tell you, there’s a flipside of the coin for guys who are in your situation as well.

They’re called The Surrogate Boyfriend.

This is the guy used for company, attention, affection, and to provide a comfort zone as well the almighty ego boost for a single gal. Usually, this gal has just gotten out of a relationship. Does the gal ever want to or think about dating her surrogate? Nope. Does the surrogate usually end up in this position because he has feelings of the non-platonic type for the gal? Yup. Then, the next Mr. Wrong comes into her life and the surrogate is abandoned until another girl needs a “pick me up”. I understand EXACTLY where you’re coming from. And I think I can help you get unstuck from the surrogate station…

First of all, I want to applaud you for doing what most surrogates are almost never able to do: make a move. Most people end up in the friend zone because of fear, wanting to people please, wanting to impress the other person while not having to risk anything and a host of other protective reasons. Well, that passive aggressive approach gets you trapped in the role of BFF. Meanwhile, the bitch who can barely walk from too many tequila shots but has the balls to let him know she wants to f*ck him usually bypasses the months of signals you’ve been dropping and brownie points you’ve been earning by “being there” for him. One need look no further for evidence that the world does not spin on fairness but on action, timing, opportunity, and luck. The hitch in your giddy-up is that you say you have made the move in the past and been turned away. Which I imagine only makes it harder to put yourself out there next time. My advice, make your intentions clear right out of the gate.

Look, there comes a point where we aren’t looking for any more friends. Yeah, don’t burn bridges, everyone deserves a chance, always be civil, blah, blah, blah. That’s not what we’re talking about here. You’re not looking for a friend. You’re looking for something else. Well, then it’s time to break your pattern. DON’T BE HIS FRIEND.

If you meet a guy, let him know you’re interested. Make it clear, make it bold, do whatever you have to do (within common sense and common law) to let the guy know that you’re not just there to keep him company and heal his ego.

If you let it get to the point where he only sees you as a friend, it’s in part because you’ve only presented yourself as a friend. Then you cross the boundaries of friendship but by that time he sees you in only the one way. You’ve got to nip it in the bud from the first time you hang out with a guy.

If he just wants to be friends, then you’ve got to take the risk and say “no.” It’s not closing the door on a guy forever. It’s called “letting him know where you stand.” Which is not in the friend zone. You can still be civil and friendly if you run into each other, or ask him out at a later date but at least he knows you’re not the emotional doormat he can wipe his break-up hang-ups on.

Right now, these guys are using you and you’re using them. Each for different reasons. If you want to be treated differently then you’ve got to act like you want to be treated and you have to treat them differently, too. It takes two to get into this type of relationship. Don’t let yourself be one of them anymore.

You’re not a surrogate. It’s not a position you have to fill to make your CV look more credible. You’ve got wants and needs other than friendship. Make sure the next guy you’re into knows that up front and that that’s what you are looking for. I guarantee you won’t be left hung out to dry three months later.

Acting as your friend,
The Surrogate Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (He dumped me - why won't he stop texting?!) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I have this co-worker that we have been close friends for about 3 years. We live in different areas and are in different offices for the same company. Anyway, about 6 months ago we started flirting and he said that he has always liked me and been attracted to me, stated that he was shy and that it was why he never said anything before. Two months ago we made out, once. After, we continued our friendship like nothing happened. He emails me almost daily and calls me regularly, but hasn’t made an effort to get together.  I went to his office for work this last week and he made several comments about how good I smell and that I have beautiful shoulders. He never made a move though.  I just need some insight; is he shy and is into me, or should I just forget about it and move on?

Sincerely,
Sarah Lacking Insight

Dear Sarah Lacking Insight,

Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They hook up and pretend it never happened? But she still likes him and he still likes her? Does this chain of events make any sense? This issue sounds like it has a deceptively simple solution, albeit one that does have some risks but also the promise of big rewards: YOU make a move on HIM.

In an earlier post (What Man Does To Woo The Woman, which you should totally check out to learn the inner workings of the male mind) I talked about how, even in this day of striving gender equality in all aspects of life, the guy still tends to have a certain expectation on him. The man is expected to take the initiative. Yes, this is a generalization and there are exceptions and I’m encouraging you to be exceptional this time. You’ve got a guy that clearly has feelings for you. He told you he did and told you why he hadn’t put himself out there before then. Then, you both acted on your feelings toward each other. The mystery to divulge is why things didn’t progress beyond that one magical night (doesn’t sound like he lost his soul and reverted to his vampiric demon form).

There could be a few possibilities here. For the chronically shy almost any action takes superhuman effort. Perhaps after that night of tonsil hockey he was spent and scared himself off of pursuing anything further. Maybe he chickened out and thought you’d reject him if he tried to get more serious. Could be that he’s not interested anymore (although the constant communications and compliments you’ve described doesn’t make it sound like that’s the case). Another possibility is that he was waiting for you to reciprocate in some way that he thinks you haven’t. This is all hypothetical. You’re the one in the trenches. I’m just giving you some cupcakes for thought. But again, if you love him so and you want to know, just ask him out (crap, did I just make a Cher movie reference? Oh wait, it had Bob Hoskins in it, so it’s not too bad. After all, a ‘toon killed his brother. That’s macho, right?).

Don’t stand on ceremony! You’ve got a will they/won’t they situation. You know what kept Chuck and Sarah apart for most of season 3 (not the first two seasons, there were national security reasons that validated their lustful longings)? Or Rachel and Ross for seemingly forever? Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of spurned feelings. Fear of being vulnerable. Before you have the clear-cut answer of move in or move on, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Unless you don’t think he’s worth the effort. I’m putting the ball in your court. Act and you’ll know for sure, one way or the other. Don’t act and face the possibility of regret but at least you won’t get hurt. Of course, you might not be happy either…

Promoting equal rights in and out of the office,
Carmichael, Dude Carmichael

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
Without sounding conceited, I’m smart, funny, pretty and I’ve got an hourglass figure. My problem is that I’ve got a whole lot of personality and apparently I’m intimidating to guys. Whenever I go to parties, I get hit on but it never goes anywhere because although I act really outgoing, I’m secretly shy when it comes to guys and, ironically, I am attracted to guys who are also shy.

None of my friends would believe it, but I can’t for the life of me ever think of what to say to a guy. I’ve tried visualizing them as girls, but it never works, I just can’t get comfortable around them. Part of my problem is that my best friend, who I’ve known since I was a kid, is gay, but I didn’t figure that out until recently. When we hang out together, it’s like we’re two girls. Now every time I’m with a guy, I expect it to be the same level of ease, but it never is. Even with my guy friends, I’m not at ease and would never call them to hang out alone.

Can you think of anything to help me out? I’m getting desperate here.

Thanks,
Tongue Tied.

P.S. I always find out their interests and steer the conversation onto that topic, but I still can’t seem to make anything of the flirtatious encounters. 

Dear Tongue Tied,

Shyness is a debilitating condition. I’ve been a recovering SST (shy silent type) my entire life. Fear not though all you fellow sufferers, there is a cure.

Confidence is key Starting the conversation is the scariest part of the process. We’re terrified of rejection. We feel like we have nothing to contribute. Part of the fuel for shyness is the fear of disapproval. We want to be accepted. Acceptance is approval. Has the chain of logic belted you upside the head yet? To combat the panic attacks, you have to take the pressure off of yourself and look at the situation with a little perspective: “If he/she throws a slushy in my face I’m not going to die, I’m not going to be suddenly rendered mute, I’m not going to run out of people in the world to talk to, and I’ll know this person is a dJ*©#e not worth my time.” If you relax, he’ll relax. Deep breaths, ignore the ringing in your ears, and just say “hi.” You’ve got nothing to lose! Fortunately, Tongue Tied, sounds like you’re already past this stage of rehabilitation. Onward…

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice! Start up a conversation with everyone (unless he has a John Holmes mustache or is wearing a 70’s disco shirt. If he has both and is paler than Sheamus from the WWE, then seek out the Slayer immediately). Conversation is a skill that has to be developed. You’ll feel embarrassed at first but you’ll find your rhythm. Ask any aspiring artist you know, they’ll explain from painful experience that to survive and thrive you have to thicken your hide to rejection.

One of the things that the painfully shy are prone to do is overcompensate. We go from a vow of silence to rambling like Bob Dylan on Adderall. This can be completely unconscious (to you, not to the other person looking for an escape hatch). By taking over the conversation we come on too strong. This turns people off. Ask questions. When you offer opinions make sure you leave room for discussion. Let him be the leader for a while. The next guy you chat up, gauge if you’re intensity can stand to be dropped a few levels.

A pretty, smart, sexy, funny woman isn’t something guys want to run away from. My intuitive inference is that the problem you’re having is your approach due to your shyness, which stems from years of reinforced fear of rejection. You’ve got to take the pressure off yourself to impress. You’re goal shouldn’t be to “win him over” or “convince” him you’re who he wants. That’s putting your self-worth in his actions and belittling all you’ve got to offer which sounds like A LOT. Remove expectations of approval. Focus on having a good time getting to know him because he interests you. If you approach him relaxed then that will set the tone for everything else.

Next time think: you’re not being graded, he can’t hurt you unless you give him the power to, and there’s always the cute guy that just walked in.

Don’t freak out,
The Inter-Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hi Dude,

There’s a lot of questions about guys and girls being ‘just friends’, so I have one for you. I’ve been friends with this guy since senior year of high school and we are now juniors in college. The two of us are sharing an apartment next year (just the two of us) and we hang out one-on-one all of the time. We have never gone romantic, but we have gotten physical, like wrestling around on my bed and cuddling. He quizzes me on ‘my type’ of guys but will also say my sister/friend/housemate is hot (when we are alone). He says he’s confident with people but he has also said that he lacks confidence in the sex department. I really like him but I’m worried that I never take a hint when he is flirting with me and I turn him away. So, whatcha think? Should I bring up my feelings to him?

Thank you,
The Friend

P.S. We’re both single and haven’t dated anyone since we’ve known each other.

Dear The Friend,

I’m a fan of honesty. Call me stupid. I always think that waiting for someone to come around when he/she has no idea that there’s something to come around to is a waste of worrying.

There’s always a risk with honesty but also a lot of potential reward. The risk being that he says “no” and the reward being he says “yes.” The consolation prize to honesty is that you can stop driving yourself crazy wondering what he might say. Not to mention you’d have the option to stop wasting your time and move on if he tells you to take a hike or “he’s not ready.” People trap themselves in the insanity of the unknown. There’s no reason to when there’s a solution. Being rejected sucks. No question. But it’s better in the long run to a regressive delusion. Clinging to false hopes can become dangerous. You lose sleep. You lose an objective viewpoint on the reality of the situation. You shut yourself off to other possibilities. You lock yourself in a holding pattern with no timeline for landing.

Some guys are timid because they’re scared of their sexual prowess (well, lack thereof). I’ve heard this from guys who are “late bloomers.” They’re ashamed of their lack of experience at a certain age and suddenly the prospect of humiliating themselves in bed actually deters them from attempting to get in bed. These are guys who need encouragement (almost a handler) to get beyond the first step. They’re gun shy. You must become the Sarah Walker to their Chuck Bartowski. They need you to help them cock it and aim at the target. Once they pull the trigger (and you don’t send them to Dr. Tracy for smile therapy with your laughter at their sexual inadequacy) their enthusiasm for firing practice is reignited. On the other hand…

Some guys are teases. They screw with your minds but show no interest in your body. These specimens of the male gender are flirtatious and affectionate. They are masters of mixed signals. Such animals exist in environments densely populated with females. Sometimes this is the result of too much bonding with nurturing females in their developmental years. Other times this behavior is the result of lack of male presence in their lives and an overabundance of women friends (think Peter Klaven ala I Love You, Man but less reserved).

You’ve got some evidence to support both sides of the coin. He likes to wrestle and cuddle but he wants to be your roommate. You don’t hit on your roommate. If there were a manual for cohabitating with a member of the sex that you’re attracted to that would be rule numero uno.

Thou shalt never attempt to explore the nookie of thy roomie.

Thou shalt always leave the toilet seat down after use.

Time might be running out for you to make your move. I say the next time he wants to wrestle you, see if he’s willing to submit to a liplock. You don’t need to plant one on him, but put yourself in the situation where it could happen and see if he takes the bait.

And that’s the bottom line,
“If you smelllllllllll, what The Dude, is…cookin’!”

This has led me to some contemplation on how hard it actually is to make a move on someone, and how annoying and awkward it can be while you’re waiting for them to make a move on you.

We’ve all been in way too many situations where we’ve been talking to a cute boy all night, but the party’s dying down and we can’t tell if he’s gonna pack up his things and head home (alone), or pucker up his lips and go in for the kiss (or, you know, put his hand on our butt…something!). And you know he’s feeling just as anxious, because he can’t tell if he should risk making the move too soon and scaring you off.

So you just sorta stand there…talking about cheese.

Of course, as Weezer exemplifies, this situation can easily be reversed. And I’m all for that. It’s time to stomp out the awkwardness of making/waiting for a move. It’s time to take matters into our own hands, and to take those matters with confidence and ease.

How can you let him/her know you’re ready?

Physical Contact. Touch his shoulder as you’re talking, or let yourself get pushed close to him in a crowded room. Taking advantage of any excuse to touch him will get those hormones pumping!

Privacy. Any thinly veiled excuse to leave the crowded party or bar (“I’d love a house tour! Which room is yours?”) should give off the hint that you’re ready to take it up a notch.

Where did my friends go? Losing your friends offers a great opportunity for him to offer to walk you home, and for you to invite him inside to “warm up.” Of course, make sure you have cab fare in case he doesn’t get the hint.

Tired of waiting? Tried all those things and homeboy still isn’t going in for the kill? Make the move yourself.

Just Kiss Him Already. If the tension is there, taking the plunge and just kissing him is the best way to get started. If he’s into it, you’ll be a hero. If you misread the situation and he has a girlfriend or something, well, at least you have a story to submit to CollegeCandy’s Morning After column.

Yeah, it will sting for a little while, but at least you tried. That’s more than you can say for most people!