Recently, I started talking over champagne (where all good conversations start) with an old friend about  a recent article for College Candy about love that had gone wrong.  My friend, who was around during “the Tyler era,” pondered our conversation and said “what DID happen there?  You guys definitely had a connection and you were crazy about him.”

With champagne thoughts and a heavy heart, I reminded her that he had met someone else around the same time, and had chosen her.  I forced myself to have a grown up moment and added that he seems really happy with his wife and I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  Then she said something that has had my head spinning for days… “Did you ever tell him how you felt?”

(Please add sound of car coming to a screeching halt!)

Huh?!?

What was this logic she was bestowing on me?  You mean I was actually supposed to tell him that I was crazy about him?  That I had wanted him to stay?  That I wanted see if we could take this amazing connection and witty banter, that was so good that it could stop time, to the next level?  That there were options and I was one of them?

I spent the next couple days in a Tyler haze thinking back to this guy and our “thing” and all of the time that I spent feeling rejected and sad that he had chosen someone else over me.  At the time, I was devastated.  I recovered by making the very mature decision to date a mutual friend while secretly pining for Tyler the whole time.  How nice of me, right?

Looking at it now, I have no idea how it would have turned out.  Tyler very well could have chosen his current adorable wife and things could have played out the exact same way EXCEPT I would know in my heart of hearts that I actually gave it a shot.  Played the game instead of watching from the sidelines, a victim in this story I made up about being dumped.   I was never dumped….I never let myself even be considered.

After further evaluation, I realized that this was a pattern for guys I really cared about.  Whether it was guy friends that I had mad crushes on or boys I was kissing and actually wanted it to be more, I found it so much easier to hope that they liked me.  I would sit around and wait for that romantic movie moment where they blurt out their feelings in a fumbling Micael Cera-esque fashion, making sure to include an adorable listing of “all the things they loved about me” that included the perfect mix of qualities that make me feel smart, funny and pretty.

After years of waiting…it turns out that doesn’t really happen. What really happens is the guys are just as nervous as I am about being vulnerable.  They were (and are)  just as scared of the rejection as I was and would eventually move on to a girl who made them feel good and could tell them what she wanted, instead of confusingly giving them the mixed signals of kissing them and then teasing them because I didn’t want them to think I liked them if they didn’t like me.  Ugh, I am frustrated just thinking about it.

Looking back, I realize that I never regret the boys that I told how I felt.  Even if it blew up in my face and the end results were not what I was hoping for, eventually the embarrassment would pass and the knowledge of where I stood allowed me to move on to bigger and better things.  Like boys who did feel that way back….once I actually let them in on the secret.

And by the way, love should never be a secret.

So ladies, who are you ready to tell?  Talk to me.

Dear Dude,

I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.  I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve come close, but no guy ever wanted to be more than a fling or something other than a friend. I have, not unlike a recent post to you, been perpetually pushed into the friend zone. Something of a specialty of mine.  I suppose in compliment to me, most guys I’ve hooked up with (I mean PG level hookup only..I’m not the type to go all the way without a relationship) in the past have always wanted to maintain an active friendship with me and are usually making the bigger effort. All the while making it clear they want nothing else.

This has been fine and it’s nice to have guys as close friends I can rely on, and feel wanted by in a respected way.  What becomes a problem is my position as not only a friend, but I tend to become a pseudo-girlfriend without any of the actual benefits or titles thereof.  Time and time again I will befriend a guy, we’ll be close and I somehow become the one he calls every Friday or Saturday night to chat. At one point, one of my best guy friends and I were around each other so much most people assumed we were dating.  Normally I’m happy to have close friendships like this; after all it gives me company too and I appreciate the friendship that’s there.

But every time without fail, no matter how long we’ve been friends, as soon as another girl enters the picture as a potential love interest or relationship everything drops off the map. A guy friend I talked to every week or for ages, all of a sudden I don’t hear from for months. No explanation, no real responses to my messages/texts, nothing. At least two of these cases it’s only me that the guy seems to be ignoring more, not his guy friends.

Maybe I’m a pushover, I shouldn’t be talking to them that much in the first place. I guess I cave when I’m a bit lonely too..but more often because I genuinely enjoy the friendships I have while it’s happening.  In some of these cases I guess I’m holding out hope he’ll eventually want something more with me or even if not, I’ll have a good guy friend I can rely on when we’re both in other relationships.  That never happens and the few times I’ve made the leap to make the first move, the guys have made it clear that they didn’t like me that way.

The worst part is, while I’m in these pseudo-relationships I can’t actually be on my way to finding a real one, because the talking the hangouts happen with every guy and I have no idea how I’m supposed to know the difference between the ones I should and shouldn’t waste my time on… I’m out of angles!

Very stuck here, dude and no idea how to get out of it.  Would appreciate anything you have to offer on this.

Sincerely,
The Temporary Replacement

Dear The Temporary Replacement,

Trust me when I tell you, there’s a flipside of the coin for guys who are in your situation as well.

They’re called The Surrogate Boyfriend.

This is the guy used for company, attention, affection, and to provide a comfort zone as well the almighty ego boost for a single gal. Usually, this gal has just gotten out of a relationship. Does the gal ever want to or think about dating her surrogate? Nope. Does the surrogate usually end up in this position because he has feelings of the non-platonic type for the gal? Yup. Then, the next Mr. Wrong comes into her life and the surrogate is abandoned until another girl needs a “pick me up”. I understand EXACTLY where you’re coming from. And I think I can help you get unstuck from the surrogate station…

First of all, I want to applaud you for doing what most surrogates are almost never able to do: make a move. Most people end up in the friend zone because of fear, wanting to people please, wanting to impress the other person while not having to risk anything and a host of other protective reasons. Well, that passive aggressive approach gets you trapped in the role of BFF. Meanwhile, the bitch who can barely walk from too many tequila shots but has the balls to let him know she wants to f*ck him usually bypasses the months of signals you’ve been dropping and brownie points you’ve been earning by “being there” for him. One need look no further for evidence that the world does not spin on fairness but on action, timing, opportunity, and luck. The hitch in your giddy-up is that you say you have made the move in the past and been turned away. Which I imagine only makes it harder to put yourself out there next time. My advice, make your intentions clear right out of the gate.

Look, there comes a point where we aren’t looking for any more friends. Yeah, don’t burn bridges, everyone deserves a chance, always be civil, blah, blah, blah. That’s not what we’re talking about here. You’re not looking for a friend. You’re looking for something else. Well, then it’s time to break your pattern. DON’T BE HIS FRIEND.

If you meet a guy, let him know you’re interested. Make it clear, make it bold, do whatever you have to do (within common sense and common law) to let the guy know that you’re not just there to keep him company and heal his ego.

If you let it get to the point where he only sees you as a friend, it’s in part because you’ve only presented yourself as a friend. Then you cross the boundaries of friendship but by that time he sees you in only the one way. You’ve got to nip it in the bud from the first time you hang out with a guy.

If he just wants to be friends, then you’ve got to take the risk and say “no.” It’s not closing the door on a guy forever. It’s called “letting him know where you stand.” Which is not in the friend zone. You can still be civil and friendly if you run into each other, or ask him out at a later date but at least he knows you’re not the emotional doormat he can wipe his break-up hang-ups on.

Right now, these guys are using you and you’re using them. Each for different reasons. If you want to be treated differently then you’ve got to act like you want to be treated and you have to treat them differently, too. It takes two to get into this type of relationship. Don’t let yourself be one of them anymore.

You’re not a surrogate. It’s not a position you have to fill to make your CV look more credible. You’ve got wants and needs other than friendship. Make sure the next guy you’re into knows that up front and that that’s what you are looking for. I guarantee you won’t be left hung out to dry three months later.

Acting as your friend,
The Surrogate Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Hi Dude,

I just wanted to know what your thoughts are on the whole ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ phenomenon. I should start by saying that I’ve read the book, and a lot of what it says makes sense in theory… But, here’s the thing: There is this guy at work that I’ve only bumped into like 3 or 4 times, but he’s really cute and we seem to have fun talking to each other.

He’s always really nice, and he’s complimented me once or twice. He remembered my name after the first time he met me even though it was a few weeks before he saw me again. But…one time when he was talking about how he’s always out and around the building, I told him he should come visit me some time and he never did. I decided to go visit him a few weeks later. He seemed happy to see me, but had to go to a meeting. There hasn’t been anything since.

Sidenote: There has been one or two signs that make me think he may be interested, but he has never actually asked me out. The ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ guy says that there is no ‘shy’ guy, that if he actually liked you he would have asked you out by now. Is this true?

Thanks,
Ali

Dear Ali,

First of all, it’s a pleasure to respond to someone with a name that sounds vaguely human.

Secondly, I’ve never read He’s Just Not That Into You. So, I can’t really speak to the sociological validity of that text’s theories based on my own experiences. Jargon out of the way, let me pontificate: The Shy Guy Exists! (In Morpheus’ baritone from the scene inside the caves of Zion in The Matrix: Reloaded)

I’ve been a shy guy. I know shy guys. I’ve been frenemies with shy guys. They’re out there and they’re f@&king frustrating!

Shy guys are…pussies. Up to a point. Hey, I’m going to get a ton of hate from the shy guy community for saying this but they won’t use their real names when bashing me…which proves me right.

Shy guys avoid confrontation at all costs. Not because they’re pacifists. They’re scared of getting hurt, humiliated, and being embarrassed. Their default mode is one of self-consciousness. Shyness then becomes a self-perpetuating condition because they become ashamed of NOT being able to come out of their shell which drives them further inward. So, in the sense that they’re scared to put themselves out there, they’re pussies. Doesn’t make them bad people. Doesn’t mean they have to stay that way or that you can’t help them reach out. It just means they’re pussies.

That being said, there are tons of ways for shy guys to achieve higher functioning and greater levels of self-esteem…but that’s for another day. What you need to do is take the initiative and then decide, based on whether he responds or not, whether to move on or try again.

Since the shy guy avoids confrontation, including romantic ones, you’ve got to take the lead. Be the one to make the first move. It’ll show you’ve got confidence and there is nothing sexier than confidence. You’ll take control of the situation rather than letting the situation control you (which generally puts one in a state of torture). And lest we forget, you stepping up and taking the lead will actually end the will he/won’t he madness.  All it takes is someone actually taking a the definitive first step and who knows…Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker, anyone? Anybody?

If you do that and he doesn’t show signs of life, consider the whole thing flat lined. Then, take another lap around the talent pool.

Go for the gold,
Dude Phelps

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Should I call him?

I have never understood how some girls get so nervous around boys they’re crushing on. I’d never experienced it personally… until not. And wow, I really don’t like this feeling!

Some back story is needed here: OK so, there was this boy (we’ll call him Matt) who I kind of had the tiniest crush on during the school year, but he had a girlfriend at the time. He was in student government with me, and in one of the fraternities on campus. We were definitely acquaintances, but it’s not like we were old pals. I hadn’t thought about him in ages.

Fast forward to three weeks ago. I’m running errands around campus when I see that one of the Indian restaurants nearby is doing a 50% off deal for the rest of the summer. Awesome, right? So I stop in to grab some food to go, and while I’m trying to remember which kind of Indian vegetables I like (for some reason I can NEVER remember), Matt comes out from the back of the restaurant. I hadn’t seen him almost all summer, and he was so happy to see me. We end up talking pleasantly for a few minutes. Not a big deal, I didn’t think twice about it.

Well, this past weekend, I had a really big meeting I had to present at and I was going to go to Starbucks to sit outside and go over my notes before my presentation. On the way, though, I passed the Indian food place and I realized that I hadn’t eaten yet! And I mean, really, how can I turn down delicious Indian food for 50% off? Answer: I couldn’t. So I walked back in there, and I’m once again mulling over my vegetable choices while the guy at the register makes fun of me. And, once again, Matt comes out from the back of the restaurant to talk to me.

Another customer needed Matt’s attention, so I go sat on the patio outside to go over my notes. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice when Matt sat down to keep me company. We ended up talking for another half hour, until I realized that I had to leave right away to make it to my meeting on time.

I left a little confused and, despite my rational mind telling me to prepare for my presentation, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened. On one hand, it was really fun to talk to him; I don’t think I’ve ever talked to him so much in the whole time I’ve vaguely known him. And he came to sit with me. That’s a pretty big deal, especially since he was at work and could have gotten in trouble, right? He was also really nice to me… but he does have the reputation of being one of the nicest guys around campus. In fact, word on the street is that his ex thought he was TOO nice and is now dating more of a bad boy. But for me, a nice guy is exactly what I want right now…

And with that (and all during my big meeting), my little crush on Matt was definitely back in full force.

So imagine my surprise (and total girly excitement) when I ran into him today at the campus bookstore. It was good to see him, we talked briefly, but I froze. Like really, completely froze. OK, so it’s not like a random stranger would have noticed that I was acting weird, but I was getting books with my best friend and I don’t think she’s ever seen me so quiet and shy.

WTF?

I left the bookstore SO mad at myself because I had really hoped that the next time we talked we could casually set up a time to hang out, or at least exchange numbers. But instead, I froze like Heidi Montag’s facial features. I had never had it happen to me before, and I’ve always thought other people were being so silly and scared when this happened to them! But now I get it. And I hate myself for it.  It’ll probably be a while before I run into him again, and I am mad that I choked. I don’t have the slightest clue what came over me!

I tend to be pretty safe in my love life – probably too safe if you ask most of my friends. I don’t want to get hurt again, and I know that at some point I’m going to have to get over that fear. I’m also a little bit old fashioned in that I think the boy should  make the first move most of the time (honestly, I would prefer all the time) because I think that if a boy likes me, then he will make the effort to date me.

But my best friend made a really good point when she said that he might have no idea that I like him, because just like how he is friendly to everyone, so am I. And as an outsider, he might’ve attributed my quiet attitude to me being not being interested. Part of me really, really, REALLY wants to casually ask him to hang out sometime soon, but I don’t even know how to do that! I’ve always envied the girls who have the guts to make the first move. I don’t think I’m one of those brave souls, but just for this week I’d like to be. I’m fed up with being shy, and I’m still mad at myself for not asking out mystery ATM boy.

I know that a part of me wants to ask him out for sure, but the other part of me is WAY too scared to do anything about it. And it’s that uncertainty (and the fact that it’s all I can think about) that I hate most about being a single girl. The not knowing whether or not he’s even slightly interested is throwing me for a loop. I feel like I’m back in middle school where I just want to find out from his friends (by passing them a note) if he’s been talking about me.

Clearly, that isn’t an option. And my current status of sitting around overanalyzing everything doesn’t seem to be such a stellar route either. But what is?!

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (He dumped me - why won't he stop texting?!) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I have this co-worker that we have been close friends for about 3 years. We live in different areas and are in different offices for the same company. Anyway, about 6 months ago we started flirting and he said that he has always liked me and been attracted to me, stated that he was shy and that it was why he never said anything before. Two months ago we made out, once. After, we continued our friendship like nothing happened. He emails me almost daily and calls me regularly, but hasn’t made an effort to get together.  I went to his office for work this last week and he made several comments about how good I smell and that I have beautiful shoulders. He never made a move though.  I just need some insight; is he shy and is into me, or should I just forget about it and move on?

Sincerely,
Sarah Lacking Insight

Dear Sarah Lacking Insight,

Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They hook up and pretend it never happened? But she still likes him and he still likes her? Does this chain of events make any sense? This issue sounds like it has a deceptively simple solution, albeit one that does have some risks but also the promise of big rewards: YOU make a move on HIM.

In an earlier post (What Man Does To Woo The Woman, which you should totally check out to learn the inner workings of the male mind) I talked about how, even in this day of striving gender equality in all aspects of life, the guy still tends to have a certain expectation on him. The man is expected to take the initiative. Yes, this is a generalization and there are exceptions and I’m encouraging you to be exceptional this time. You’ve got a guy that clearly has feelings for you. He told you he did and told you why he hadn’t put himself out there before then. Then, you both acted on your feelings toward each other. The mystery to divulge is why things didn’t progress beyond that one magical night (doesn’t sound like he lost his soul and reverted to his vampiric demon form).

There could be a few possibilities here. For the chronically shy almost any action takes superhuman effort. Perhaps after that night of tonsil hockey he was spent and scared himself off of pursuing anything further. Maybe he chickened out and thought you’d reject him if he tried to get more serious. Could be that he’s not interested anymore (although the constant communications and compliments you’ve described doesn’t make it sound like that’s the case). Another possibility is that he was waiting for you to reciprocate in some way that he thinks you haven’t. This is all hypothetical. You’re the one in the trenches. I’m just giving you some cupcakes for thought. But again, if you love him so and you want to know, just ask him out (crap, did I just make a Cher movie reference? Oh wait, it had Bob Hoskins in it, so it’s not too bad. After all, a ‘toon killed his brother. That’s macho, right?).

Don’t stand on ceremony! You’ve got a will they/won’t they situation. You know what kept Chuck and Sarah apart for most of season 3 (not the first two seasons, there were national security reasons that validated their lustful longings)? Or Rachel and Ross for seemingly forever? Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of spurned feelings. Fear of being vulnerable. Before you have the clear-cut answer of move in or move on, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Unless you don’t think he’s worth the effort. I’m putting the ball in your court. Act and you’ll know for sure, one way or the other. Don’t act and face the possibility of regret but at least you won’t get hurt. Of course, you might not be happy either…

Promoting equal rights in and out of the office,
Carmichael, Dude Carmichael

When I was in high school one of my friends was the most sought-after girl in school.  I had other friends that were prettier, smarter and nicer but boys were crazy for her.

It took me a little while, but I finally figured out why she was constantly asked out, in a relationship or every guy’s dream girl.  She was approachable.

She was pretty but not beautiful.  She was smart, but not a know it all.  She was always friendly, smiling and nice.  Her secret:  Every guy thought they had a shot at her.   They always felt comfortable talking to her and she always made them feel great about themselves.  She is now married to a wonderful guy who is also the whole package.

What is the point of this story?  To let you know that just because you are beautiful, smart, funny or successful doesn’t mean that finding the right people to date is going to be easy.  In fact it may even be harder.  Does that suck?  Maybe, but it is true.

Many times the douchey guys who are approaching you are in for a challenge and once they conquered that challenge they will find a new one.  The better bet for good relationships are the healthy, great guys who just need a little encouragement to know that if they come up to you, they are not going to be making a complete ass of themselves.

In case you haven’t noticed, men are fragile souls.  Many times more fragile than we are.  If they think for any reason they are going to be rejected, they are not climbing aboard that train.  It’s going to take a little work from you.

Here are six ways to get you from ice to nice.

1.  Get off your cell phone.  It’d be a bummer if your dream man was beside you in line for coffee, but you were too busy talking to your friend about last night’s “Real Housewives of New York City” episode.  Next time you are somewhere in line, keep your body language open, look around, make eye contact and smile.  What do you have to lose?

2.  Get a partner in crime.  If you were a guy would you approach a group of four or more women?  Heck no.  It’s too scary and too many people staring as he tries to talk to you.  Going somewhere?  Go with one friend (hopefully one who can talk you up if the situation arises).

3.  If you are going somewhere alone (even if it is to meet somebody), make an entrance.  Walk in the door, pause for three to five seconds in a confident stance so everyone can notice you, and scan the room with a smile on your face.

4.  If you are sitting, make sure you are facing outward with your body toward people.  If you are only turned toward your friend then your body is saying “we are in a closed conversation.”  With both of you facing the room, it says, “we are nice and friendly, come talk to us.”

5.  When you notice someone interesting looking at you, look back.  Holding eye contact for three seconds lets him know you are interested; if he holds the eye contact with you, he’s interested too.  To seal the deal, look away for a minute or two, then look back and smile.  Look down and up again.  If he doesn’t come over after that, he is in a relationship or not in a place to date.

6.  If he strikes up a conversation with you, keep it light and friendly and have fun with it. Keep sarcasm to a minimum.  What seems okay to you, may not be for him.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a sense of humor, it just means he doesn’t know you well enough to know when you’re joking. This is crucial: If you are interested, let him know.  He should ask you out, but giving him a nudge by sharing that you have really enjoyed talking to him and would love to again is just smart.  Not desperate.  Smart.

Smart is good.

Ready to get smarter and learn more tips and tricks about body language and meeting the right kind of “dateable” guys?  Join me for the College Candy Dating Makeover coming this Fall!

Smitten, I scribbled it down, hoping I put the right area code. I didn’t expect him to call me that night because I was convinced he was at his tenth strip joint, but when he called me asking what I was doing my hopes took a high ride. We talked for a little bit, but his bachelor party activities got in the way of us hanging out that night (probably because he couldn’t figure out how to get a thong untied from his face).

And now, this girl needs some serious Dating 101. Unfortunately homeboy didn’t ask me to hang out/go on a date beyond our brief bachelor party convo and now all I want to do is ask him myself.

But here comes the battle of my two dating philosophies:

My Dating Philosophy #1: ‘Tradition is Key”
I’ve always been more traditional and it’s annoying. It has worked and hasn’t worked in my favor. I always want the man to make the first move, because then I can be sure he digs me.  I’ve always felt more safe that way. Why would I waste time asking questions like; “Nope, he doesn’t like me because he put his hand in his pocket and looked at the ground when he said goodbye…”

If the guy asks me out, you know he wants to see me, right?  But if I ask him out – I really don’t know for sure if he’s giving me a pity-date just because he doesn’t have the heart to say no.  I guess my pride has roped in the best of me.  We all have an itty bitty tendency to stick up our nose and bask in the satisfaction/fantasy land that I’ll be fine, the man I end up really loving will ask me out himself.

From what I’ve learned, guys are pretty simple.  If they like you, they will ask you out. If they don’t um…they won’t.  In the end, wouldn’t you want a confident guy that is going to jump forward and make the first move anyway?

My Dating Philosophy #2L “It’s 2010-You-Are-A-Big-Girl?”
What do I have to lose? You get what you want in life because you go out there and get it yourself. I’ve been riding easy on the quote, “You have to go on a limb sometimes  because that is where the fruit is.”  It really is true; you have to put yourself out there or how are you going to ever know if ‘it was meant to be.’  Besides, what is the worse he could say – ‘Um no?’ His loss anyway.  Guys nowadays like a confident girl who can bust out of the realm and ask someone out.  It is that simple.

Recently, my the other lovely intern in the press box gave me fabulous advice – and yet another great philosophy. She said, “I say you ask him. If he say’s yes and he likes you, than great! If he say’s yes and doesn’t like you? That is his problem that he has to sit through an entire movie with you.”

So true. But I’m still stuck in a rut. And the rut usually consists of staring at my iPhone screen and constantly deleting attempted text messages. Do I ask him on a date myself – shamelessly – and risk the ability to know if he really digs me? Or do I sit duck and wait for his phone call, knowing for sure that he’s into me if he does?

I need some help here! Which philosophy do I loyally follow??

Easy? EASY! Does throwing yourself on a bomb sound easy? Does walking on fire sound easy? Is repeatedly opening up your veins easy? Alright ladies, this myth of the moronic man-boy making no effort to prove himself worthy of women is going to come crumbling down.

Let me tell you how easy our lives are in the never-ending pursuit of the holiest of holies…

1.     The Daily Routine
Let’s back into this a little. Ladies, grooming isn’t something we do because we like it. We snip our ridiculous stubble and otherwise awesome mountain man beards because we know you hate them (most of you, the hipsters get away with the Unibomber look). Shaving is a tedious and sometimes painful activity. You know the risks involved: ruining your skin, cutting arteries, and developing hand-eye coordination some are not gifted with. Men are now taking a page out of your playbook and waxing. What are they waxing? EVERYTHING! From eyebrows to back to front to legs and then there’s the sculpting of the testicular area. Manscaping is not for our sense of aesthetic, I assure you. We’d much rather rock the Jesus look with scraggily beards, faux John Holmes mustaches, and growth around our manhood that would make a bush burn from blushing. Shaving and grooming is no longer a market monopolized by you anymore.

2. Pumping Iron
Men don’t exercise to feel better. I’d feel better sitting on a couch watching a Chuck marathon gobbling peanut butter M&M’s with a side of Popeyes chicken. I’d rather save $600 a year for something else, like, rent….so I can live in something other than a box…and be peed on by homeless men named Silas (don’t ask). We rack our bodies with pain every other day (or once ever seven days…every three months, maybe) in order to look good naked. Beach season has arrived and it’s time to show the bait: the six-pack (taking a cue from Ryan Reynolds, go Deadpool movie!)

3.     Develop ESP
Men have been accused of never communicating and withholding our emotions. Well ladies, is it completely unfair to suggest that perhaps you primarily express your anger toward us? Generally men get yelled at for being oblivious. And yes, men can be oblivious. However, more than a few fellas have bent my ear telling stories where they felt persecuted. They pissed off their girlfriends for something they had no idea they were doing. Did their girlfriends give them a warning first? 8 out of 10 times, no. For fear of death men must develop the ability to anticipate what will make you angry because you won’t usually nip it in the bud! Cut us some slack, please, we don’t understand how annoying we are, we just are. Don’t hold it in until you can only give us the evil eyes and banish us to the couch.

4.     The Three Day Rule
Guess what? We hate waiting to call too! You think it’s fun after a kickass date to smother our puppy love with silence for days? All we want to do is call and guarantee the next rendezvous ASAP. But we can’t because we’ve been shamed into thinking that showing interest equates with being an emotional cripple. This is in part due to some stalkers amongst our ranks and massively insecure cold hearts amongst yours. Both genders are at fault here. So what do we do? We talk to every guy we can find, looking for loopholes in the rule to get in touch earlier. We try to anticipate every response to every remark we’re going to say. We actually debate the individual words we’re going to use to ask you out again. We’re planning for an offensive campaign and we assume we’re going into hostile territory. Three days? Why? WHY? If only both sides would come to the bargaining table and rewrite this stupid, antiquated, and harmful belief.

5.     Pretending to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We can’t stand Project Runway, Gossip Girl (with the exception of ogling Leighton Meester) or 27 Dresses but we care about you.

6.     Pretending NOT to care about her Music/TV Shows/Chick Flicks
We choked up watching The Notebook too and damn if Glee isn’t fun, but if we tell anyone we’re banished to the island on Lost.

7.     Sell Our Souls
Money, money, money, money. We kill ourselves at those crap jobs in offices, hotels, investment firms, and we do that so we could someday bleed green if we wanted. Why? We didn’t grow up wanting to be hedge fund managers. We wanted to Batman! Ken Griffey, Jr! Zack Morris! But no, we have to make money so we can buy cars, clothes, condos, watches, and all other manner of impressive and shiny material possessions in order to attract women. We have to be able to take you on a trip to Hong Kong instead of taking you to the Jersey shore. Men obsessed with money are terrified of having no one to spend it on and the only people we want to make our money work for are you. So we sell our dreams of greatness and immortal achievement for a lifetime of ulcers, anxiety, insurmountable stress, chronic fatigue, and heart attacks. We’ve been convinced that the only way to impress you enough to love us is to buy you with financial security. Then we realize, you don’t love us at all, just what we represent for you…no wonder so many who strike it rich are striking out in the happiness department.

8.     Sacrifice All Dignity
Here’s one of my major pet peeves: Men Must Make The First Move. Period. This has become adopted a priori knowledge (yes, that’s oxymoronic, thank you for picking up on the joke). It is expected that we be the first ones to put our hearts on the chopping block. Is that fair? It is demanded of us to overcome our fears of rejection, sacrificing all sense of power, control, and emotional safety for the chance that you will say “yes.” Is that fair? I think of this as a disservice to you, ladies, because it says that you’re lacking a certain fortitude and confidence in yourselves. This is a great social inequality between the sexes and I am going to go out on a cliff here and say that this discrimination is perpetuated by WOMEN! That’s right, I said it! You want to be on the same level as us then kiss us first, drop the L bomb first, and put it all on the line before there’s any guarantee, when destruction is waiting for you at the end of your next sentence. As soon as the words come off of our lips, when we lean in closing our eyes, place a hand on the small of your back, we have exposed old wounds and are inviting you to put salt in them…the horror.

You get no argument from this dude that what you ladies do to yourselves to be seen as attractive is downright masochistic: brazilians; high heels ruining your ankles and lower back; padded bras covering shame at what god gave you (which is beautiful, no matter cup size); disfiguring your natural beauties with pancake and blush;  starving yourselves on salads when all you want is a skirt steak; and forcing us to make a move by demeaning yourselves in flirtation with random strangers in our eyesight. What you do for us is absurd, what we do for you, is almost tragic.

I propose we open up the lines of communication and put an end to all this subterfuge and self-absorbed neurotic BS. What would happen if we threw the game away? What about rewriting the rules to promote honesty or even just common courtesy? The War of the Roses erupts from misunderstanding by both camps and feeling underappreciated. So now that we know what you go through and you know what we go through, truce? To quote the immortal Al Bundy, “can’t we all just, get along?”

"WHY DID HE PUT A PERIOD AT THE END?!??!"

When our mothers were single ladies, courtship had a very different feel. If they met the man of their dreams, it meant they were chained to the house phone for the next week – waiting for Mr. Right to call. Today, cell phones have granted us the gift of mobility. While women may not be able to shake that desperate feeling, they can at least carry it with them to the mall or out with friends. The real benefit of cell phones, however, is text messaging.

In my experience, text messaging has been a blessing and a curse for relationships. Sure, you can edit and tweak everything you say before you say it. You can read messages and chose how and when to respond.  You can even save conversations to replay and re-analyze over and over again (a practice I am wayyyy to familiar with). On the down side, the informality of text messaging has blurred the “rules” of who makes the first move.

I have always been a very strong believer in the idea that the guy should text the girl first. As embarrassing as this is, I had to fight the urge to become a fan of “I’m The Girl. You’re The Boy. You Text Me First Or We Don’t Talk Today” on Facebook (which, by the way, has over one million fans). However, I don’t know if my phone’s contact list would agree with me. Scrolling down, it’s easy to spot the “John – bar,”  “Mike – hockey team,” and “Ryan – tall kid.” These are the names of boys who I’ve met, exchanged numbers with, and never spoke to again. Instead of seeing the light of the inbox, these boys are permanently sentenced to “never-contact-land” and “look-the-other-way-when-I-pass-you-ville.”

Recently, there has been much debate over the rights to the send button among my friends and myself. While some stand by my rule, others aren’t afraid to be aggressive and use the sent box to its full potential. We accused each other of being either too prude or too forward, until my one friend proposed her method.

Her strategy? “If I like them, I’ll text them first – like, right after I meet them so they know I’m interested. When I first met Joe (her current boyfriend), I got his number and texted him saying ‘you’re pretty lame for leaving that party… I wish you would have stayed.’”

At first, I dismissed it right away. It takes an internal debate and approval from all of my roommates just for me to IM a boy I like; this was clearly way too forward. But then I realized two things: 1. I am crazy. 2. This actually might work.

First of all, if you meet this guy on a night out, you’re probably at least tipsy; aka anything you do/say/text is excusable. Secondly, you just met him – it’s not like it’s the next day and you’re still thinking about him. Third, it lets him know you are interested. (Often, I forget it’s called “hard-to-get” and think it’s called “impossible-to-get.” The truth is, no mentally stable guy will pursue something that’s 100% unattainable.) Fourth, it lets him think that if he had stayed, he would have gotten a little somethin’somethin’ from you. If you’re me, that’s definitely not the case – but it should at least make him realize that he missed the opportunity… which means he’ll be interested in seeing you again.

Could I have been wrong all along? Is this the ideal solution? It certainly has credibility – she’s the one with the Facebook-official relationship. Looking at the way I play the “love game,” I can’t help but feel like my ways and beliefs contradict. I consider myself an advocate of woman’s rights and gender equality, yet I always find myself waiting around for the man to decide the path of the relationship. Perhaps I have misjudged. It’s 2010, technology has been revolutionized and so has flirting.

I have yet to try out my new perspective, but I’m eagerly awaiting the next digits I receive. Who knows… maybe “Andrew – Hottie from the club” might turn into an “Andy – boyfrienddd<3″.

For more tips on practicing safe text, check out the book “Flirtexting“!

Call me, dammit!

OK, remember that boy I was confused about earlier this year? Yeah, well he showed back up again in my life. Without a warning, he offered to help edit my honors paper (and I mean, trust me, I was NOT going to say no to someone with decent grammar willingly offering to proof read…I have to bribe my roommates with brownies). And then I have vague recollections of drunk texting him one night (not one of my proudest moments, but occasionally these things happen to the best of us single girls on rough weekends). Whatever, you get the picture. So things continued from there, we hung out a few times, grabbed a late night dinner together twice..same old drill.

EXCEPT here’s the thing. Nothing has progressed since then. We haven’t gone on a date, hooked up, or done anything outside of the friend zone. Granted, I am busy (that might be an understatement), as is he, but still, you would think he would at least be able to find the time to ask me on a legitimate date somewhere (outside of the dining halls preferably) in the last month! I know that he’s interested in me as more than a friend because he asked my best friend if she thought I only liked him as a friend…

Now here is the problem. He is a nice guy, the kind of guy that I would actually date, not just maybe drunkenly hook up with once. He is a nice guy, who knows me and STILL likes me, except he can’t get his sh*t together to make a move. I think I really like this guy. He’s the first boy since my ex to make my heart flutter, make me daydream in class, give me that feeling in my stomach when I see his number pop up on my phone.

Except I am tired of waiting for him to make a move!

I know, I know, it is the 21st century, and girls have just as much of a right to ask out guys as vice versa. Yeah, except that is just not something that I would ever do. I beat boys in soccer games, change my own tire (not quickly, but I do), even command authority in meetings, but that is as far as my feminist independence goes. Call me old fashioned for still believing in the notion of chivalry, but I just would not be comfortable taking control of a relationship and making a really forward move.

The way I see it, if he wants to talk to me, he will. If he doesn’t, well, I don’t want to be clingy, a nuisance, or THAT girl. So for now, I am just going to have to wait, analyze and daydream until he mans up to make his next move. And waiting is something I don’t do well.

Honestly, people wonder why girls don’t fall for nice guys. All I want is for this nice guy to take some intiative, and I would be falling.