We speakers of English have a great talent for euphemism. I admire that; although our language is comparatively un-poetic, English speakers have nevertheless coined a great deal of terms in order to discuss social taboos. But, even in the post-sexual revolution, post-feminist, post-modern world, I think we are yet to adopt a suitable phrase for ‘having sex’. For me, ‘to have sex’ is both a grammatically awkward construct and far too clinical a term to adequately describe the act. But in all honesty, the alternatives don’t really do a good job of it either. Consider:

Bumping uglies/Making the beast with two backs

Granted these euphemisms do manage to describe the aesthetics of the act, if not very tactfully. I prefer for my sexual encounters to be more delicately described, thank you very much. For me, these phrases take the sexiness out of sex and make me think of crass teenage boys and/or songs by the Bloodhound Gang. Do not ever use these phrases around me – I will kick you out of bed. Read More »

I recently came across an interesting blog post providing some insight into society’s portrayals of sex. The cultural dialogue on sex isn’t terribly nuanced. There is aggressive, brash, unapologetic sexuality promoted by porn and pop music, and then there’s the less prominent demure, lovemaking more likely to be seen on TV and in movies. This post kind of struck a chord with me.

When we start having sex, we’re pretty likely to start emulating what we see portrayed in the media. How many of us have open, uncensored, honest conversations about our sex lives with our friends? In my experience, it’s only been very recent that I have encountered friends (and everyone who reads this column) who can talk about sex, without being coy or shrouding reality in coyness and exaggerations. So the only frame of reference we truly have is what we see in the media.

I only like rough sex. I can only orgasm from extremely intense penetration. I’ve tried “regular” sex and “making love” and I can never stick with it for long. I crave animalistic, aggressive, primal, unapologetically hardcore nookie. And I wonder how much of that is influenced by my  viewing of porn and my (almost excessive) consumption of what some  have referred to as “slutwave” pop (Ke$ha, anyone?) I know that my preferences are my own to have, but at the same time, I don’t exist in a vacuum. My body is connected to my brain, and my brain is constantly bombarded with certain images of sexuality. What if I was someone who only watched demure Hollywood classics and listened strictly to down-tempo classical music? Would I still be begging for it harder and faster in the bedroom? Would I take “you f*ck like a porn star” as a compliment?

Read More »

“I don’t know if we should talk about this…”

“And why not? Everybody has sex!”

“Yeah, but everybody should be making love.”

“Come on, how many guys do you know making love?”

–Salt N Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”

In the past six months, I’ve had sex. I’ve been laid. I f*cked. However, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love, and I kind of miss it. Some people might argue that there’s no difference – physically, they are the same. But emotionally, passionately, and mentally, the two deeds are very different.

1. The First Time.

The first time you make love with your partner, it’s usually a very special moment. It’s often planned out in advance, especially in new relationships. There’s often sensual foreplay, and your bodies fit together perfectly.

If it’s your first time with a new partner and you’re just having sex, it may be spontaneous. Your partner may not be your boyfriend, or even your crush, and the decision to go all the way is frequently a hormonal (thanks, booze!) impulse. First time sex can be sloppy and awkward as you try to find the right position, and after everything’s said and done, it feels like there was something missing. Read More »

I learned a lot of valuable lessons during my high school years. Not so much from going to class or doing homework (because I didn’t really do that), but from being a horny teenager who lived at home and had thin walls.

You see, my bedroom was directly beside (sharing a wall) with my mom’s room, and that wall that we shared, the one right by my bed, had a vent that happened to be connected to her room as well. You couldn’t see through it, but we learned pretty quickly that this vent in our adjoining wall wasn’t quite soundproof.

Having acquired my very first “real” boyfriend (one that lasted more that a week…) and having a lot of fun experimenting with sex for the first time ever, this vent in the wall became something of a challenge. For a good few months there was a pillow wedged up against it, acting as some weird sound-proof barrier, but when the winter months rolled around and I started freezing at night, I realized that blocking the main source of heat that filtered into my room probably wasn’t a good idea.

But then we figured out the perfect way to drown our sexy noises while keeping my room at a comfortable 20 or so degrees – music. Sure, it’s not silence, and it still traveled through the walls, but I guarantee my mother appreciated the sound of slow bass late at night a lot more than hearing anything else coming through our walls. Read More »

Here’s a fun bit of information for all you “sex is way better when it’s with the one you love, blah, blah, blah” peeps.

Turns out, it’s not.
And, no, I’m not just saying that. I’ve got some stats to back it up!

As much as many of us would expect women to crave and adore the standard missionary position with their man in the same bed, for the same amount of time, night after a night—well, shockingly, many do not! A recent sex study found that the majority of married women would rather catch up on their reading or get extra sleep than have sex with their husbands. And an even greater majority of women (a whopping 81 percent!) complained their sex lives were way too predictable, based on location, position, time of day, duration and foreplay.

…….

Sorry, dozed off there for a second. That sex routine is bor….wait for it….ing. Read More »

Type 2: Screwing

I go through phases where I listen to different podcasts on a fairly obsessive basis. It was during one of these phases that I stumbled upon a podcast called Sex, Love, and Intimacy (on which our lovely editor did an interview, the same interview that introduced me to CollegeCandy in the first place). As you guys may have noticed, I  have a lot of respect for people who do the job that I hope one day to do myself (you know, like how often I talk about Dan Savage…), and I tend to quote them a lot. Chip August, the host of Sex, Love, and Intimacy had a slogan that has stuck with me long after the podcast ended – “sex is more than just a piece of skin, a piece of skin, wiggle wiggle pop.”

Oh, how true that is.  There’s more to sex than just the act – the in and out, the build up and the orgasm. There’s more than the positions. No, I’m not going into the emotions and love and meaning behind sex. Not gonna lie, I don’t even know what to call the thing I’m talking about; style? Type? Intensity? But bear with me, I will explain:

Making Love:
As much as I hate that phrase (oh, how I despise it so), it’s really the only way to describe it. Those intimate sessions that are usually slow and loving. More about feeling everything than the climax. While love-making may not be hottest or most passionate, or even the sexiest, it is definitely the most intimate.

Screwing:
Okay, in reality I would call this type of sex f*cking, but I have a problem with censoring my words, so we’re just going to call it screwing for all intents and purposes, and you guys can follow along with what I really mean. I find this tends to be the favorite for college-aged guys. It’s the least intimate (generally, not saying having a good screw can’t be loving), and usually the most intense. You know, sweaty and loud, and being thrown all over the place. It’s usually just about getting off, but since when is that a bad thing?

The happy-medium:
When I’ve described this “3-kinds-of-sex” theory to different partners, this particular “type” is usually just labeled something along the lines of “plain old sex.” Maybe it’s vanilla, or maybe it’s just not as steamy as screwing, but this tends to be the fall-back for most couples. It’s the middle between making love and screwing, usually takes the least effort, and produces the results expected out of some good ol’ fashioned sex.

The trick to a sustainable sex life isn’t just mixing up the positions and introducing some sexy toys (though that helps too), it can be as easy as just mixing up the “style.” Sometimes the mood strikes to be um.. pounded, and sometimes the mood strikes to have fingers-intertwined and love and romance. And sometimes, it’s just sex to get the job done.

Pssst! If anyone else knows the “proper” name for this phenomenon, please let me know… it was kinda hard to write about something that doesn’t have a specific label!

“I don’t know if we should talk about this…”

“And why not? Everybody has sex!”

“Yeah, but everybody should be making love.”

“Come on, how many guys do you know making love?”

–Salt N Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”

In the past six months, I’ve had sex. I’ve been laid. I f*cked. However, it’s been a long time since I’ve made love, and I kind of miss it. Some people might argue that there’s no difference – physically, they are the same. But emotionally, passionately, and mentally, the two deeds are very different.

1. The First Time.

The first time you make love with your partner, it’s usually a very special moment. It’s often planned out in advance, especially in new relationships. There’s often sensual foreplay, and your bodies fit together perfectly.

If it’s your first time with a new partner and you’re just having sex, it may be spontaneous. Your partner may not be your boyfriend, or even your crush, and the decision to go all the way is frequently a hormonal (thanks, booze!) impulse. First time sex can be sloppy and awkward as you try to find the right position, and after everything’s said and done, it feels like there was something missing. Read More »