So what exactly is your definition of hooking up? Could it mean a little bumpin’ and grindin’ followed by a sloppy make-out sesh? Does it mean crawling into a cab with a guy, knowing good and well that you’re going to “get your kicks” (thanks Rizzo from Grease for that one) later that night? Or does it mean bypassing first and getting right to second base?

Since I was given this topic of discussion, I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and one in my Human Sexuality class about how to properly define hooking up. While my friends (guys and girls) define hooking up as anything from kissing to sex, my professor seemed to think hooking up can only mean one thing: doin’ it.

As I continued to contemplate the subject, I decided to hit up the trusty UrbanDictionary.com to find out what the world is thinking. The first comment, with nearly 2,500 “likes,” said, “An incredibly ambiguous phrase that drives me absolutely insane when people use it.” Yep, sounds about right! That got me thinking that people will say it so that it is ambiguous. As in, people will use the word “hookup” so that the person they’re talking to thinks they did more than they actually did. And unless you’re bff with the person discussing their hookup, I highly doubt you’re going to ask, “So by hookup do you mean you sucked face (or something else) or rolled around the sheets together?” …See what I mean?

I am one of those people that defines a hookup as sex, “hitting a home run,” doing the dirty, whatever you may call it. So where do those other possible meanings behind hooking up fit in? See below.

Making out — It is what it is. Kissing, a good ‘ole boob grab here and there and maybe a nice over-the-shorts rub down. Why not describe your kiss-fest as a simple make-out and put our imaginations to rest?

Messing around — Whether you’re getting “handsy” or testing out that Cosmo blow-job tip, messing around means that big leap after making out. Bra dropping to the floor, his sexy Calvin’s flying across the room and suddenly things are really hot and heavy but stop before the big bang.

Hooking up, aka “The Sex” – Go ahead and hang your “Do Not Disturb” sign (or a sock if that’s more your style) on the door handle because this is what I call an official hookup.

It seems this topic has an array of meanings depending on how you prefer to phrase your sexy-time. If you want to see what He Says on the matter, check out COEDMagazine!

What’s your take on hooking up? Do you agree or disagree with me? Let me know!

Foreplay doesn’t necessarily have to be a means to an end – what it aims to do is get you and your partner in a sexually charged mood, which in and of itself is incredibly enjoyable. There are so many ways to integrate foreplay into your sexy times. Some of my favorites include:

Sexting.
I know there are tons of horror stories of sexting gone terribly awry – private texts/photos being spread around without your consent, accidentally sexting your parents/exes/bosses, the fact that 12-year-olds engage in it…sexting has cultivated a grotesque reputation, to say the least. But as long as you have a trustworthy partner (and you double-check the recipient box on your phone), sexting is an awesome way to create intimacy and arousal, especially if you plan on getting it on later in the day. Talk about things you can’t wait to do with/to your partner, describe fantasies, even send nudies if you are so inclined (without your face, always).

Making out.
Sometimes it seems like once you’re sexually active, the only thing on the menu is sex. But there is something to be said about some old-school kissing/groping, including putting up the same boundaries you used to (like no crotch contact…at least temporarily). It mentally takes you back to those days when hooking up filled you with butterflies and anticipation of where it lead, which is undeniably hot.

Putting on a show.
Bust out that lingerie, or your favorite t-shirt/panties combo, choose a song that makes you feel gorgeous, and strut your stuff for your boo. I know it could be awkward or uncomfortable, but ultimately, confidence is the only thing you need. As long as you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, you are going to look amazing. Embracing your inner burlesque goddess will give you a sense of control and power. That look of pure lust and awe your partner will inevitably give you will make you feel like you can rule the world. (Who runs the world? Girls.)

Slowing it down.
Sometimes we get into this frenzied frantic rush to get it in and get off. While I appreciate a quality quickie as much as anyone else, one of the most sensual moments in the world is when both you and your partner never want this moment to end, and you’re dedicated to savoring every piece of each other. Spend more time on oral sex, stop the action and give each other massages, take the time to just breathe each other in.

This is supposed to represent me thinking about sex, K?

Sexual activity is anything but black and white. Hooking up, making out, and fooling around all mean different things to different people; I told my mom when I was about 15 that I had been making out with a boy, and had to spend the following 20 minutes explaining to her that making out was just French kissing. Apparently back in her day “making out” meant having sex — which is certainly different than my innocent round of tonsil hockey.

After that, I figured out pretty quickly that sex isn’t always as easy as doing it or not doing it. Regardless of my ill-humored post about when it actually counts, I have a legitimate question for you lovely readers — what is sex, anyways?

I spend a lot of time writing about sex, and as a mostly-heterosexual ciswoman, when I talk about sex I’m usually referring penis-in-vagina intercourse — but I’ve come to realize lately how cis-centric and heteronormative that is, so I’m now on a quest for an alternative definition.

It’s easy enough to say that sex is intercourse, but what about same-sex couples? Or those that would prefer to avoid vaginal intercourse? Is a person who has had anal sex with a plethora of partners still a virgin? What about oral sex? What is it, exactly, if you’re masturbating together? Surely that can’t be sex, can it?

There is so much grey area when it comes to sex that it’s hard to define what’s what. Perhaps we need to focus on the feelings that come along with the action rather than the action itself — but then what can be said about one night stands?

I don’t have any take-home lesson or awesome list for you this week, just a bunch of honest-to-goodness curiosity and a desire to start a conversation. We need to redefine our idea of sex, and what it is that makes it sex in the first place.

So, folks, let’s get this party started — what is sex? And how do you know?

Here at CollegeCandy we’ve been all about spreading the love, joy, and general merriment of the holiday season this week.  We gave you gift guides, survival lists, and countless Hollywood scandals to talk about.  But in case you missed anything while you were out hunting for a parking spot at the mall, here’s a run down of what you should be reading…

-Welcome winter!  Here’re 10 Things We Love about Y.O.U.

-Home for a week and already bored?  We’ve gotcha covered.

-And in case you’re one of those ambitious types, 6 TV shows you should definitely watch this break.  Break out Netflix and a giant bag of popcorn!  Dawson’s Creek, anybody?

-Is Mom asking you why you haven’t found a boyfriend yet…on your Facebook wall?  Avoid arguments while you’re home by laying down these social networking ground rules for parents.

-If you’re not celebrating Christmas with the fam (consider yourself lucky and) take a peek at this cheat sheet to throwing the ultimate holiday party.

-Reflecting on this past semester and wondering if you’re bordering on Make Out Slut territory?  Worry not, our dude’s got you covered.

-Or maybe you’re in that relationship gray area.  You know, where everything is perfect and lovely and wonderful…except you haven’t said those three little words yet.  Maybe that’s not so bad…

-Yikes!  Looking for a few last-minute presents to pick up?  We gotcha, girl!

-And don’t forget what’s coming up in a few more short days!  Have you got your New Year’s outfit yet?  Shop your closet and get a jump on that “Save More Money!!!!” resolution.

-A lot can change in the month that you’re home.  Be on top of the latest flirting trends when you’re back on campus.  Hint: it makes Twitter look tame and Facebook seem almost obsolete.

In a college world where (shocker!) people drink and hook-up on a regular basis, it’s always a lovely gift in disguise to have a wingwoman by your side who supports you, sets you up for success, and is your personal cheerleader.

In high school, your wingwoman would accompany you to the bathroom during lunch, share the other half of cheesy bread with you, and wait by your locker when your boyfriend left early for the skate park.

In Hollywood, a wing woman is there to support her celebrity counterparts after a whirlwind of relationship blunders and public break ups.  (Look at Team Cox-Aniston for example.  I can see their wingwoman relationship sprouting from the rich dirt of Hollywood and making headlines already.  Thanks to the fresh divorce of Cox and Arquette. Friends fans rejoice!)

In college, your wingwoman plays a much more integral role. She’s an important element to your development as a young woman so you can get all of that partying and sexing out of your system.

Here’s how a perfect wingwoman is built in college world:

1. She will talk to ANYBODY.
This is essential. You want a woman who isn’t afraid to spark up a fun, outgoing conversation with any average Joe.  You don’t want a wet blanket who stands in the corner and bites her straws in half and pouts about how loud the music is. How are you supposed to get anywhere stirring the ice cubes in your drink and trying to cheer up a wah-wah friend?

2. She is so drunk and inappropriate you always look better.
When you have a wingwoman who pounds more rail drinks than you, you can always count on her to make you look more put together and in control to passersby. Especially when she starts screaming about how much she loves the new Pink song and grinding against the wall when it blares from the DJ’s perch.  You can just laugh lightly and wink at your boy toy, then hit up the dance floor and make him want it. He will be grateful he nabbed the “sober one.”

3. She knows when to walk away.
When you’re sweet talking your potential sweetheart, your wingwoman will know when to exit the scene and look for something else to sniff around.  Nothing will ruin a moment more than a wingwoman who will bust into your convo with slurred quotes from The Office and googly eyes.

4. She’s willing to take one for the team.
If it’s time for her to politely bow out of the evening at 2AM and take a taxi home to re-runs of Modern Family and burnt nachos, then so be it.  She should be ready and willing to end her night, even if yours is just beginning.

5. She hooks up with your hook up’s roommate…so you always stick together.
If the opportunity arises, your wingwoman should dabble in your future hook-up’s roommate. Therefore, you guys can save another taxi charge when you wake up in the morning to bail out of your situation together.  Nothing is better than fried eggs and coffee with your wingwoman while discussing how you guys were so attached at the hip it was almost kinky.

6. She makes sure you’re safe but doesn’t prevent you from getting yours.
A great wingwoman will always make sure you are making the right decision.  And should a not-so-desirable situation arise (only after she knows you will regret it), she will invite you for your fourth meal at Taco Bell so you have an excuse not to go back Homely John’s dorm room.  With a fab wingwoman, you will never find yourself stuck in a sticky situation with someone you would have never wanted when you could see straight.

7. She grinds with you on the dance floor when you’re craving attention.
As superficial as it sounds, everybody enjoys a nice enough wingwoman to accompany your totally rad lawn mower dance move on the dance floor.  She will be by your side in an instant if you crave the eyes of the cutie by the bar, so you can pop, lock, and, drop it in unison. 

8. She will look hot, but not hotter than you.
What would a great wing woman be if everyone was looking at her cleavage instead of yours?

No one wants a Situation situation. What do you look for in a wingwoman?

Random hook ups are not only not shunned in college, they’re expected. College is a get-by-free pass for having fun and making out.

I’m not saying everyone hooks up in college, but for the majority of the student body, hooking up is a given.  Meeting new prospective hook-ups you’ll most likely regret in the morning and dish with your roomies is as expected as walking into the library and walking out with a book. It’s free and returnable.

Under most circumstances, girls will say hooking up is fun and carefree.  After a few beers, there is nothing wrong with making out and fooling around with a cute college boy that has a baby-face and likes to dance with you next to the beer pong table.  And hooking up doesn’t have to involve drinking either.  We’re all familiar with the term ‘booty-call.’  Simple attraction and a life sans parental units can ignite hook-ups and the ‘no strings attached’ attitude.  That’s why hooking up is fun!  You never have to worry about meeting families, what his favorite baseball team is, or if you should text him or call him the next day.

But, what if hook-ups are about more than ‘I just want to let loose and have fun?’  Before I say this next statement, you somehow have to bare with me. OK, here goes: I read ‘I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell’ by Tucker Max and while the guy is a complete douche, I think he might be onto something.  Whew, OK, punch a pillow or something pretending it’s my face.  Now that we got that out of the way, here’s why I think Mr. Max may have made a valid point.  He once stated that he goes for girls who are insecure because they are the easiest to hook up with.  Ignoring the fact that Tucker Max introduced this concept to me, hear me out.

What if hooking up is more than fun and games?  What if we hook up because we’re insecure? Think about it: insecurities make people do silly things and hooking up with a random is definitely silly.  Although we may think we’re “having fun” and “getting some,” are we really just filling a void? Trying to build ourselves up/ Insecurities make us feel unloved and unwanted; is hooking up a crutch to help us feel like we’re loved and wanted, if only momentarily?

The attention gained from a hook-up feels positive and real.  For as long as a hook-up lasts (whether it’s for a night, or an ongoing affair), it makes us feel better. You’re with a guy that is clearly attracted to you enough to be rolling around the sheets with you. You feel sexy, wanted, and excited to be a part of the hook-up culture so prevalent on campus. Do we play these random nights up in our head to be “fun” when really they are a failed attempt in emotional attentiveness? Are we so insecure that we fear a real relationship, thus hooking up to avoid the feelings (and potential rejection) that a real, healthy relationship would provide?

Let that sink in for a moment.
Then ponder this:

Can we have a solid hook-up completely sans insecurity, or is insecurity in a hook-up as expected as the awkward walk-of-shame in the morning? Could Tucker Max be right (yes, I used Tucker Max and the word ‘right’ in the same sentence), or is it possible for perfectly confident girls to be in it for fun?

It’s your call. What do you think?

Question for La Tuff?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and perhaps get it answered. Dig?!

Dearest Tuffy Luv,

My friends and I are noticing a growing trend among the men in our group. They have no balls. And what I mean by that is they don’t take initiative. They sit around like a bunch of Golden Girls and bitch over every girl problem they have (some of these problems having to do with us) but they never solve the problem. It takes them two weeks to muster up courage to kiss a girl and then they believe it’s true love, whereas we will make out with them one night and consider it a one time thing.

Are we just being too mean to guys or are guys being to wimpy??

Sincerely,
Women with balls

Dear Ball Gals,

Love it. Love the Golden Girl ref. Couldn’t resist answering your question despite more pressing matters (sorry, kids). Also, balls. Couldn’t help Tuffy’s poor lil’ self.

So, okay, onto your question:

Well, this one is sort of two-pronged. Yes, Tuffy too has noticed the decrease in balls-to-tears ratio. Remember when men were men? Oh. No. Me neither. The truth is, men are kind of wimpy about women and they always have been. I don’t know why. We have the great power to make them miserable pretty much whenever we choose. And that ain’t nothin new. Hypothetically, men used to take this sadness out on their wives (in the bad, physical way). When that fell out of fashion, men turned to crying it out. So, really, whining is several steps up. And it’s just something you gotta deal with whether you like it or not.

So use your power wisely, Women With Balls!! Stop making out with these poor fools! You know they can’t help themselves!

Okay, kids, what have we learned today? Let’s refresh:

(1) Men can’t resist women.

(2) Women have to come to terms with this.

Please treat each other excellently and don’t take advantage of others’ shortcomings. Frankly, Women with Balls, although I find your question hilarious and somewhat true, I also think you are being lousy friends to these boys. You keep making out with them! If you’re not interested, don’t string them along. They clearly cannot take it. Friends don’t take advantage of other friends.

For the record, though, Tuffy prefers a man who can be an equal partner and not a sniveling whiner. Boys, buck up or girls like these are gonna make out with you and leave you sad and lonesome. Ball up.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question for Tuffy?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and leave a message at the BEEEEEEP.

Tuffy Question: Hey, where all the lesbians at?! How come I never hear from you girls?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we are just crazy about each other, but we are still virgins.  We were originally saving our virginity for religious/moral reasons, but we both changed our minds on that and want to have intercourse now.  However, we each live in our parents’ homes and his family is super-religious.  And if someone finds out, both of us will be in deep trouble.  Apart from simply waiting, what can we do?

–All revved up with nowhere to go

Dear Revved,

What can you do?! Why, many a thing, young lass! Let’s see–

But first, let lil’ ol’ Tuffy just lil’ ol’ say: ALWAYS USE CONDOMS. In EVERY situation. In ANY genital exchange, with ANY gender. Okay?! CONDOMS. CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS.

Okay, that said, first, I want to say that I am writing this advice to you, girl, assuming that you are of consenting age. Okay? Please, young ‘uns, wait till you’re ready. You should never feel pressure to have sex before YOU are ready to do it. No one tells you what to do with your body–you are your own and only your own.

So, now the fun! Things you can do:

1. Intercourse: Yes, you can have intercourse. Just take it slow. Kiss a lot. Talk, giggle, don’t take it too seriously. Just do what comes naturally. And, importantly: Tell him if it’s hurting you. Let’s be real, girls, it hurts the first time, but if you have a gentle and patient partner, he’ll go slow when you need him to and it’ll be much, much better. And, frankly, if you don’t have a gentle and patient partner, I highly recommend dumping his ass.

2. Making Out: What’s wrong with just heavy making out?! This can be a great precursor to sex. It’ll really help you find out what turns you guys on. Kissing and touching is the perfect way to experiment without having to go too far.

3. Oral Sex: This is SEX – oral is NOT casual. You still need a condom for this one (sorry, kids – no one likes the herp). Okay, the main thing here is being equals; you give him, and he gives you. It’s all about reciprocity. And it’s also all about listening. Don’t just get down there and try to look like a porn star; that ain’t doin’ nothin’ for no one. Listen to his reactions and learn from them (and expect him to do the same for you!!). And don’t be too shy to read up on the subject for tips (so to speak).

4. Manual Stimulation: You actually don’t need a condom for this one, but make sure the hands are CLEAN (and that you have a condom nearby, just in case you decide you want to switch activities). Again, feel each other out (haha. No, but seriously). See what works for you guys. It’s just touching to make each other feel good – remember, this is a person you love.

5. Anal: Okay, not for the beginner. Work your way up to this one. And, if you do eventually go there, use condoms and tons of lube.

Places, given the circumstances, where you can do said things:

1. Backseat of a car
2. Friend’s place (with friend’s permission, of course)
3. As a last resort, save up money and rent a hotel room during daytime hours (so no one gets suspicious)

This is all assuming you love each other. Remember, kids, Aunt Tuffy Sez: Don’t rush into anything. Sex is so much better when there’s love involved.

Good luck to you, girl. Use condoms, be safe, have fun!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question for La Tuff?! Email your questions to AskTuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and get an answerino.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve known this guy C for a little over a year now. He used to live across the hall from me – we were study buddies, and we hung out a couple of times. All my friends thought he liked me but he never asked me out or anything. Over the summer, one of my close friends interned with him, so I know what he was doing and he knows everything that happened to me. But we only talked, like, a couple of times over the phone.

Even though this semester we live in different areas, we still have one class together and we’ve been seeing each other over the weekends… and we made out multiple times. I haven’t told any of my girlfriends yet, because they would just tease us nonstop. One thing made me nervous is that he only comes to see me on weekends after he is slightly drunk. I don’t know if I should ask him where he thinks we are going or not. I don’t want to sound desperate, but I really don’t think this is a healthy relationship. Do you think he just wants to be FWB? What should I do?

Thanks.
Juli

Dear Juli,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you can’t really ask where the relationship is going because there IS no relationship.

I’m gonna be blunt with you, girl: This guy’s not worth your time. I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice person, and I don’t think hes doing anything wrong. But I don’t think he’s particularly into you

But you already know this, honey. That’s why you wrote in. He only comes to see you on the weekends when he’s slightly drunk? Never a good sign.

If you want to keep making out with him on weekends while you look for someone else, that’s totally legit. That’s probably what he’s doing with you. But if you think something else is going to come from this–some actual relationship, for instance–well, then, I think you’re wasting your time. He’s just having fun making out with you. Because, hey, he thinks you’re hot. But he’s not interested in taking things any farther than that, so, if you want something more from him, I’d advise you to stop seeing him now before it gets any more painful.

Come on, Juli. Even you haven’t told your friends about it. You know what’s going on here. Which is to say, not much beyond making out buzzed. If you want something more, go find it from someone who wants to give it to you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

And that’s totally normal.

But believe it or not, there is a line on that sticky, beer soaked carpet underneath all of the red cups and vomit that can indeed be crossed. Don’t be one of the troublesome party patrons who takes it from acceptable (in the college world, of course) to completely wrong and gross and totally unacceptable party behaivor.

Acceptable: Making out in a corner
We all know one of the main reasons anyone even goes to parties is to hook up. It’s expected that at any given point throughout the night there will be someone in some corner getting busy. Lucky them.
Unacceptable: Getting dry-humped against a wall
There is a point where you should excuse yourself and stumble on back to your own twin sized bed. No one wants to dodge hip thrusts to get to the punch bowl garbage can.

Acceptable: Getting a little sloppy and groping things
We all have the pictures on our hard drives from the nights when a little too much vodka turned a completely average room into a wondrous photo op. The lamp, the couch, the coasters, you name it, we are going to pose with it. Tomorrow your profile picture will be you licking a potted plant, no biggie.
Unacceptable: Getting a lot sloppy and breaking things.
Yes, when someone makes the decision to host a party, some cleanup is expected. They know the next morning their floor will be littered with red cups and possibly a couple stains. But what isn’t expected is that you have one too many shooters and decide to play frisbee with all the dishes in the cupboard.

Acceptable: Bringing a few girls into the bathroom with you
Unacceptable: Bringing a few guys into the bathroom with you
What you do behind closed doors is your business, but not when a house full of party guests (with full bladders!) watches you enter with three guys… and leave without a bra.

Acceptable: Being the life of the party
Every party needs some leaders. Who’s going to get the pong tournament going, turn on the karaoke, and get out the ice luge? It’s totally cool to be the first girl to get up into that keg stand.
Unacceptable: Being the whore of the party
Getting the attention by groping your way down the male guest list is another story. You don’t have to gain popularity and a re-invite by hooking up with every guy you can corner by the chips and dip. This is only going to earn you a nasty label and a reputation for stealing all the male prospects.

Acceptable: Drunk texting your ex-boyfriend
Who hasn’t done it? Had one too many, somehow found “A-HOLE” in your address book, and found a reply message the next morning asking, “WTF? Were you serious last night?”
Unacceptable: Drunk dialing your mom
Your ex will forget about it, your friends will ignore it, but your parents will have you begging for forgiveness for the next three months. They will not find it funny that you are at a raging party at 4 am on a Wednesday morning (“Don’t you have class in three hours?!?”), and you’ll be spending the next holiday break convincing them you’re not a totally irresponsible slacker.

What other party behavior do you guys find totally unacceptable?