You can imagine why I had to hide this cover from my dad...

If I were to understand what guys need advice on via Maxim magazine, there would be three things; grilling, telling jokes, and this month, ‘what to do if you’re approached by a hot woman or a bear.”  Golf-clap to you Maxim – job well done.

I purchased my monthly edition of the saucy mag this month and was bombarded by articles about steaks and coal-fire grills. And all of the men out there listening? When approached by a bear, offer it food. But when approached by a woman? Offering it food ain’t such a good idea.

While reading it inside of a Glamour magazine to block the Maxim cover from my father, I came upon many other intriguing articles. One in particular went on a hateful rant about ‘Why Summer Sucks.’ I couldn’t believe someone could possibly be shunning summertime. Needless to say, I was intrigued and read on.  The number one summer complaint? Scantily clad females. Why? Because “they never talk to you and you have to stare at their minimum clothed bodies anyway.”  Does this man realize he is complaining about partially nude woman that never complain/whine/talk?!  That’s news to me, bud.

Other articles featured were ‘How to Cook in a Bachelor Pad Fridge,’ and ‘Oregon Trail 2.0′ (a Maxim atlas full of places to conduct the gnarliest of gnarly road trips).  One article even gave men advice about how to have a proper summer fling.  The article was pretty right on, not that summer flings are rocket science. Maxim was having a modest trip so far – I was even debating letting this mag sit on my family coffee table after its use.

And then a lovely little article birthed itself from the Maxim pages.  That’s right, we were lucky enough to be given an article titled, ‘The Maxim Porn Dictionary.’  This article defined many pornarific items anyone should be scared to admit they utilize. Beyond defining ‘pedal pumping,’ this article had a lot more to offer.  Like how to navigate and use the terms. This is going to be good weird.

Maxim Says: Pony Play: Involves wearing vinyl horse costumes, hooves, bit bridles, harnesses, and saddles, and playing “horsey” while riding your partner around.
Brittany Says: I maybe did this when I was twelve, but sexual intentions were not evident.

Maxim Says: Furry: ‘Furries’ get sexually aroused by wearing animal costumes; they romp with their critter-suited pals at “confurences” and sometimes do the dirty in their fuzzy get-ups.
Brittany Says: I’m never going to look my high school mascot in the eye mesh screen again.

Maxim Says: Tree: Bizarre subset of arborphilia, a sexual attraction to the sexy stumps, thick trunks, seductive bark openings, and beckoning branches of our arboreal buddies.
Brittany Says: When it comes to artistic expression, I can understand that trees are a sacred art form to capture the natural curves of their branches…movement in their leaves…but for actual sexual jive down south? Say it ain’t so.

Maxim Says: Food: The presentation of high-calorie foods as a substitute for sex.
Brittany Says: Can I partially agree with this one? I mean, if I’m hungry and there is a fine spread of delicious grub in front of me. . .no. Food is not substitute for sex. The cucumbers and mayonnaise stay on the sandwich. Bottom line.

Maxim Says: Furniture: ‘Furnies’ get off on stacking furniture in compromising positions and taking pictures of their handiwork.
Brittany Says: This puts Housewives of New Jersey into a sane and innocent place. And after all of those years wondering about the family you nanny, now you know what’s going on if you find a stack of Pottery Barn magazines placed on top of the toilet.

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
For the first time since 8th grade, I’m single. This is great right? It gives me a chance to explore, experiment and really get to know myself and it turns out I’m pretty cool.

Awesome, except all of my guy friends seem to think that I should experiment with them. And it extends beyond that; guys I meet at in class, at parties or even at work all only want to date or hook up. When I explain that I just want to be friends (and mean it!) they basically stop talking to me.

Is it me? Am I only interesting when sex is on the table? After eight years of being someone or another’s girlfriend, I would really like to just be me. Does this mean I have to sacrifice guy friends to avoid a boyfriend?

Signed,
Single and Staying That Way

Dear SaSTW,

(That’s an interesting name. Where you from, girl?)

Men often become friends with attractive women. A lot of the time due to some form of miscommunication/mistiming/misdemeanor offense, their trajectory changes from boyfriend/lover/drunken mistake, to the friend zone. The friend zone is where they may repress their sexual/romantic/obsessive/co-dependent feelings while hoping you break up with your latest beau. It’s an, imperfect/painful/masochistic/stupid (I’m getting slash happy here, people!) strategy, but a lot of guys put themselves through it.

What they don’t realize is that when you, an attractive woman (I’m assuming you are as kick ass as Yvonne Strahovski [watch Chuck!] based on the amount of offers you’re getting) sentence a man to the friend zone it’s pretty much a life sentence (parole is rare but not without precedent). However, like most prisoners serving such an extended term, they want to escape!

This puts you in an unfair position. Why should you sacrifice so many friendships because of their issues? Does that mean all of the guys in your life have an agenda? Will you never be able to talk to a guy without assuming that his friendly nature is simply a ploy to get into your pant(ie)s? This could poison your trust in the male gender! This could undermine ever finding a meaningful connection with a man again! THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE!

Alright, let’s calm down for a second and gain some perspective.   Firstly, the guys who won’t be friends with you without “benefits” aren’t guys worth your time. They see you primarily as a fantasy/ideal/object (so many slashes, so much caffeine driving them), and you don’t need that kind of drama screwing up healthier relationships. The good news is that the law of averages is on your side: each guy you meet is more likely than the last to result in a wonderful friendship. Gay guys will also be a great resource for you; there’s zero need to question their motives. Also, take this time to really examine and appreciate your lady friends. They’ll provide a great support system during this time of self-discovery and rebuilding of your male social circle. Most importantly: do not sacrifice yourself! You sound like a gal in transition and there’re always growing pains. Just don’t let these pains in the ass drag your confidence and happiness into the sack with them.

Your friend,
The Dude

P.S. I’m not just giving you the male perspective to sleep with you. Scout’s honor!

Hey Dude,

How the heck do you get out of the friend zone? It seems like everyone thinks it is only a problem for guys but girls go through the same problem as well. I have a guy friend for a few years now and I would love for it to be something more. He is a definition of a player and basically can get whoever he wants. He hooks up with so many girls – he even hooked up with my twin sister last week!

The thing is, we have a good friendship – he makes me laugh and I feel like I can tell him anything. We are very flirty, but then again, he flirts with everyone. We have been in situations where we could of hooked up, but he never made a move. He is not friends with many girls. Honestly, I think I am the closest girlfriend he
has. I just really would love to see if I can turn this into something more. Help!!

-Sick of the Friend Zone

Dear Road Kill (Sorry, but that’s a more appropriate title),

Ok, this may sound a little bit harsh, but it’s exactly what you need to hear.

Ready? Here we go.

This situation is kind of like standing in front of an oncoming truck, and making absolutely no effort to move out of the way. Hello? What do you think is going to happen? If this guy had every opportunity to hook up with you because of your looks, your laughs and your personality, and instead he hooked with up with your twin sister?…that, my friend, is called a problem. Yes, it could be because he secretly has a deeper respect, affection, and deeply burning passion for you and you alone, but more than likely he is exactly as you described him: a player.

Women are smart (much smarter than men most of the time), but when it comes to taking your own advice, you’re sometimes about as quick as the Girls Next Door in a biomechanical engineering exam. Listen, you said it loud and clear: he fools around. He hooks up with chicks all the time (and you’re not one of them). He even takes a dip in your personal gene pool, and yet…you’re still considering this guy?

Do me (and every other woman in the world) a giant favor and wise up. If he makes a great friend and you enjoy good times together, keep it as such…but don’t waste your time hoping he’s a diamond in the rough, when he probably is enjoying every second of being rough as hell. Move on to a guy who will love you for you, never go near your sister (or any other member of your family tree for that matter), and can make you laugh while keeping it in his pants. And when in doubt, re-read your question. The answer is right there in your own words.

Walk away.

–Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Got a guy question that’s tearing you up inside? Don’t trust your girl friends to give you honest advice (because they’re afraid if they tell you the truth you will freak out and throw things at them)? Just want to try and understand what a guy is thinking?

We’ve got the dude for you. Send your questions to AskTheDude@CollegeCandy.com and he’ll give it to you straight. Because you can’t throw things at him, no matter what he tells you. Our dude is answering questions every Wednesday, so ask away!

Hey Duuuude,

OK, so here is my situation. I met this guy my freshman year of college (I’m a sophomore now) and we flirted for a while and then we started texting. Then eventually, we started partying together. Well for about two months while we would flirt, text and party all the time (he would text me every day about 3 times a day a lot of times just to see what I was doing), he had a girlfriend. Before I found this out, I had straight up asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no.

How I found out he had a girlfriend for sure, was one night us two and a group of friends went to a party. At the party (not knowing it was his girlfriend) I went up and talked to her, because I knew who she was aside from the fact that she was his girlfriend. She was short with me, and gave me a lot of attitude and I wanted to know why. So I asked him again what was going on between those two and he simply said “I f**ked her a few times.” Then I found out that she is madly in love with him and considers them to be exclusive. Well that was a while ago and bygones are bygones; I do not trust him in a boyfriend sense, yet I treasure his friendship. He tells me he wants to go out on actual dates that don’t involve other people and black out-drunkenness, and I have heard him say that he wants to be in a serious relationship with me, but I am afraid to trust him because I feel like he is someone that I could really fall for.

What should I do???
— Can’t Think of a Fun Name, So Just Call Me Confused

Dear Can’t Think of a Fun Name, So Just Call Me Confused,

This one is pretty easy to explain, because the answer to your question is located directly within the question itself. You already know the guy isn’t good for you… you described him in detail. This guy has actively led on another girl in front of your very own eyes, so no matter how crazy the “other woman” (in this case, ex-girlfriend) can be painted…she is probably just another version of you. You are suffering from what I like to call the “Johnny Depp Effect.” You know the guy is trouble; you’ve seen how he treats former girlfriends, yet you still secretly hope he’ll change, fall madly in love with you and whisk you off to some strange island in France to make babies and brood over the complexities of life together.

To put it plainly, this guy is a player, and you’re part of the game. It’s impossible to “read between his lines” (or texts), because he is a master at sending mixed signals to women. Don’t hold out hope that somewhere along the line he’ll change (or that it was really the girlfriend’s fault all along). Texting someone while dating another, creating false claims of exclusivity, and continuing to lead you on are called “red flags” my friend, so stop ignoring them and find someone that can truly be defined as serious.

Hope that helps.
–Dude

I’m going to make a bold statement here: pretty people have it pretty easy in life.

Well, at least when it comes to dealings with the opposite sex. I watch guys trip over themselves to get near a hot girl with big boobs, yet I find myself breaking a sweat trying to prove to the same guys that I’m worth a moment of their time.

I don’t mind this – I love showing people how awesomely funny I am – but it does irk me when I see the “perfect” girls coasting through life without lifting a finger. WTF, pretty people? How is that fair? I’m just as worthy, if not more, of the same things you get in life, yet you get them handed to you on a silver platter and I have to pass some sort of test just to get a taste?

I wanted to see what my male counterparts had to say about this subject. Do they know they’re doing this? Do they deal with it too? Let’s see….

]]> http://collegecandy.com/2009/04/08/he-saidshe-said-pretty-people-get-a-free-pass/feed/ 90 ccandystaff hot-girl_intro freepass1 freepass2 freepass3 freepass4 freepass5 freepass6 freepass7 http://collegecandy.com/2009/03/04/he-saidshe-said-does-size-matter/ http://collegecandy.com/2009/03/04/he-saidshe-said-does-size-matter/#comments Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:39:16 +0000 CC Staff http://www.collegecandy.com/reality/17392 Last week one of the CollegeCandy writers asked a question that I have been thinking about since I started crushing on boys in the 4th grade: would you date someone who weighs less than you?

Many people weighed in (tee hee) on the topic via the comments, and most of them seemed angry that we even brought up the issue. I mean, weight shouldn’t matter! But I really felt that a lot of people were missing the point.

This …

Last week one of the CollegeCandy writers asked a question that I have been thinking about since I started crushing on boys in the 4th grade: would you date someone who weighs less than you?

Many people weighed in (tee hee) on the topic via the comments, and most of them seemed angry that we even brought up the issue. I mean, weight shouldn’t matter! But I really felt that a lot of people were missing the point.

This is not a question of body image or beauty, but rather a question of comfort, societal expectations and the role of men and women in a relationship. I was curious to see if weight was something guys considered when dating someone (beyond the whole preference for a girl with big boobs and a negative waist).

And based on what this guy said, I think weight and size matter more than most people are willing to admit.

 

 

]]>

We all know that women tend to be a little more emotional than men, but when it comes to break ups, shouldn’t everyone be a little hurt? Shouldn’t both parties be at least a little emotional?

Why then does it always seem like the guys are moving on so much faster? While we sit home and watch sad movies and listen to sad music as our friends force feed us, our guys are out at the bar with their friends picking up chicks and having a grand ole’ time.

How can they get over it so quickly? Are girls – even serious girlfriends – that disposable and easy to move on from? I asked one of my boys for the lowdown. His perspective may not make you feel better, but it does explain a lot.

Like that time he told you he’d be studying all night and you found him cozying up to some bitch at the bar. Or when he told you he really liked you…but just didn’t want a relationship. Or even before you get serious with a guy and he says he’s gonna call and never, ever does!

WTF is up with that? Are guys cowards, or just a**holes (or both)? I needed to know – because my ego was seriously bruised – so I asked one of my boys for the dish.

Here is his explanation for men worldwide: