What happens?

I mean, seriously, what happens? Something must. Something changes. Everything started out so well–the great sex, talks that lasted until sunrise, spooning ‘til class at noon, clothes were optional, and fun was constant. You clicked. You had the best start to a relationship you could have imagined. Fast forward and you’re alone again. Back to the original question: What happens?

There are plenty of reasons that a great relationship breaks apart. There are all kinds of circumstances: distance, time, stress, and so on that push two people, who collided with enough force to give a hiccup to the sonic barrier, into opposite directions. But the number one killer of a great relationship is simple: You Start Expecting.

There’s no greater killer of a beautiful bond between two people than expectations. When you start looking for something to go wrong, expecting something to change, or develop a time-line for how things are going to “progress,” you might as well just walk out the door and de-friend him on Facebook. Neuroses is a tricky animal. We all have our issues. We’re a psychologically oriented and, one can make an argument, obsessed at times. And our psyches can create havoc when we start to hope, because the flip-side of hoping is being afraid.

When there’s no commitment, there’s less pressure. When there’s pressure, there’s the fear of loss, because suddenly you have something. And when you have something, most people try to figure out what you do with it, where to go with it, avoid letting it slip through your cracks, and there’s nothing worse than when we begin poking holes into the fabric of our hopes.

The secret to overcoming our fears and not getting in the way of our own happiness is to simply accept what we can’t control. You can’t make a relationship last longer than it’s meant to. You can’t force it to be better. You can’t manipulate it or schedule it to progress and evolve in a certain way that you think it should. You have to let go of the phrase “supposed to” and just be content in “this is this.”

You give in to a relationship, you don’t get one.
You accept that it’s a partnership, you don’t need to worry about carrying the burden of its success or failure on your own shoulders.
You take it one day at a time and don’t give over to worries about tomorrow, next week, or next year.
You put some faith in yourself and the other person.
You put some faith into the relationship.
You let things happen instead of making them happen.

And those steps right there are how you can walk out of your own path to having a long lasting relationship. Don’t judge your neuroses, don’t ridicule your fears, accept them as they are parts of what make you you. But you don’t have to let them control you.

Communicate. React. Adapt. Move forward with the present circumstances, not what you prefer the present circumstances to be.

We all want things to work out. We all have to work at relationships to have them work out. Just don’t assume there’s only one way for it to work out. That’s all I’m saying. Let it happen.

Enjoying It While It Lasts,

The Dude

[lead image via Yuri Arcurs / Shutterstock]

Hey Dude,

So I’ve got a BIG problem, and I don’t have any clue what to do. I’ve been dating this guy for almost 8 months, and we’re crazy about each other. We’re basically that couple that’s so in love no one can stand to eat around us. Here’s the problem: I’m fairly certain my ultra conservative, Republican dad is going to hate him. How do I introduce him to the family as someone I am really serious about?

Sincerely,

Dating A Lefty Read More »

[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Just like a psychic that can tell your future with Tarot cards or your palm, guys can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of drink she is having at a bar. And just like those crappy psychics with crystal balls, guys are often full of sh*t too, but here goes.

Note: I am using the bar as a setting rather than a house or frat party because it offers up more variety. The only variety you get at college parties is not what you’re drinking, but how you’re downing that Natty Light: upside down, through a funnel, or the traditional red cup. At your local bar, however, you can see everything from your down-to-earth non-light beer drinkers to the seemingly high-maintenance Cosmopolitan drinkers. Can both of these women be the same person on different nights? Sure, but not likely. Read More »

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
For the first time since 8th grade, I’m single. This is great right? It gives me a chance to explore, experiment and really get to know myself and it turns out I’m pretty cool.

Awesome, except all of my guy friends seem to think that I should experiment with them. And it extends beyond that; guys I meet at in class, at parties or even at work all only want to date or hook up. When I explain that I just want to be friends (and mean it!) they basically stop talking to me.

Is it me? Am I only interesting when sex is on the table? After eight years of being someone or another’s girlfriend, I would really like to just be me. Does this mean I have to sacrifice guy friends to avoid a boyfriend?

Signed,
Single and Staying That Way Read More »

Dear Dude,

Honestly, are guys truly intimidated by smart girls?  I’m an “A” student with glasses. Yet, while I’m stuck by myself mulling over the tenets of existentialism, the ditzy girls are getting the fellows’ attention.  I’m confused.  I thought that you guys didn’t want girls to play dumb.  I’m never mean, and I while I participate in class, I do shut up.  So, what’s up with this?  Are the glasses some sort of turnoff?

Sincerely,
Ol’ Four Eyes

Read More »

Hey Dude,

I’ve done the Friends With Benefits thing, and, to say the least, I’m not cut out for it.  Now I have this amazing guy in my life who I consider my best friend, but I’m confused over how I’m supposed to know if he likes me as in a relationship sense or if he just wants to sleep with me.

He texts me quite often, even if just to say hi or to see what I’m up to, or make sure I’m feeling better when I’m sick.  We’ve gone out before with mutual friends and had a blast.  We’re both more of homebodies, so he comes over to my place now regularly and we hang out.  We’ve made out, but I end it before it goes any further because I don’t want the Friends With Benefits thing to happen.

So, how do I know?!

Thanks,
Confused Read More »

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: “Open Up to Her?” from askmen.com.

A reader writes to Doc Love (really? Doc Love?) because he has been having problems with the woman he has been dating for 21 months. He writes: “Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more?”

Doc Love’s first move is to remind the writer that he is always right. He says: “”The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works ‘up to a point.’” Wow, way to hit that cocky ball out of the park, Doc Love. You really think you have all the dating answers? There isn’t one single situation in the whole world that the Doc Love “system” might not work for?

I’m really hating this guy already. Read More »

There are few topics in a relationship that cause more controversy than strip clubs. Many of us can’t understand why our man would need to watch some other girl strip it off and shake her ass in his face when he can have our naked ass in his face whenever he wants it (for free, I might add).  And isn’t watching some other girl get naked a form of cheating? He wouldn’t like it if I let some random dude come over and rub his crotch in (or on) my face for $5.

So why do guys do it? And what is the appeal of having some girl rub her boobs on him if he has to stick a few bucks in her panties to do so? I haven’t spent much time in strip clubs, so I turned to someone who does. Frequently. And loves it.

Here is the strip club lowdown from a dude who knows it (very) well. Read More »

We are all about independent women around here, but after one writer asked if independence could be hindering her relationship status, we began to wonder. We know that men have very fragile egos that can be shattered faster than a shot glass in a garbage disposal (those suckers fit perfectly in there!) so it seems to make sense that strong, independent women scare the bejeezus out of them.

Could guys be shying away from us out of fear that we don’t need them?

In order to ease my mind, I thought I would get some answers directly from the source. The good news is: independence isn’t a total turn-off. The bad news: we’re going to have to come up with some better reasons why guys aren’t returning our phone calls. Read More »

[The following post is courtesy of our homegirls over at YourTango. Well, their male perspective. They’ve been through it all and know just about everything about love, so we thought we’d bring their expertise to you. Enjoy!]  

Women, take note: when the appearance of men’s toenails suggest that we are either vying for a Guinness World Record—or preparing for an underground cage fighting match—feel free to mention that they’ve gotten a tad long. We don’t mind.

In fact, shame might be the only way for us to remember to clean ourselves up.

Hygiene is not something we consciously avoid—it’s just one of the many stumbling blocks in life. In fact, we may not even be aware that we’re the guy who everyone thinks smells like wet dog. But if your man is great at shaving and rinsing, you’ll find an off-hand compliment from the woman in his life is often the reason. Read More »