[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Just like a psychic that can tell your future with Tarot cards or your palm, guys can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of drink she is having at a bar. And just like those crappy psychics with crystal balls, guys are often full of sh*t too, but here goes.

Note: I am using the bar as a setting rather than a house or frat party because it offers up more variety. The only variety you get at college parties is not what you’re drinking, but how you’re downing that Natty Light: upside down, through a funnel, or the traditional red cup. At your local bar, however, you can see everything from your down-to-earth non-light beer drinkers to the seemingly high-maintenance Cosmopolitan drinkers. Can both of these women be the same person on different nights? Sure, but not likely.

Guys know what they like also, but we’re a little shaky on our drink convictions. We pretty much drink what’s available or what everyone else is drinking. We like being part of the (wolf) pack. Primal instinct, I guess. And with this primal instinct comes the ability for men to predict certain kinds of personality traits based on the type of drink a women is having.

Now, there are way too many drinks and concoctions to go over all of them, so I will choose the most popular based on a recent Friday night research session at a local bar.

What follows is a gateway into the part of the male brain that is dedicated to women and bad decisions: the penis. OK, OK – I’m kidding. We do use our real brains (just not to their full potential at times), but we are wired differently so have an open mind and don’t get mad if the stiletto fits.

Cosmopolitans
When a guy sees a girl drinking a cosmo, the first thing that will come to his mind is, “uh oh, this girl is a prissy brat looking for someone to buy her drinks for the rest of the night.” Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain. Cosmos are sweet, pricey, and usually watered-down. The phrase “you are what you eat” (in this case drink) obviously comes to mind. Men think you are probably sweet, but pricey and with a watered-down personality. I don’t mean pricey like a hooker, but more like you appreciate nice things, material things. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but know beforehand that the cosmo in your hands is a sign that reads, “Sex and the City princess without the sex.”

Vodka Tonic
One part vodka, one part tonic water. Throw in a splash of lime if you’re feeling frisky and you have a simple, no frills drink that is tasty, but strong. It is no surprise that the description of a drink can also describe the drinker. With this drink in a woman’s hand, you can be sure of one thing: she’s not going to hold anything back. When I asked a 21-year-old woman what she thought about her vodka tonic, she replied, “it’s a little more rude than a cosmo, but straight up. Not fancy, just plain with a kick.” You can expect a woman with this drink to be more approachable and receptive to a guy’s opening line, but she will be quick to tell you whether or not she is interested. She is laid back and mature, but likes to have a good time. She gives the impression that she is also into health and her figure (this is the lowest calorie cocktail out there). Also, the type of vodka she chooses can reveal even more: If she chose the house vodka, she might not be as picky about her style of men; she’s attracted to whoever catches her eye. With premium vodka, she knows exactly what she wants and never settles for less.

Beer
When all else fails, the girl drinking beer will probably never let you down. This is the girl who you can party with and then hit Taco Bell with at 3 in the morning. She isn’t offended by the multitude of sexual innuendos and jokes that are inevitable when guys get together and drink. Guys are so comfortable with these types of women because they know they can expect a drama-free night, unlike with the quiet, cosmo drinkers huddled around a table in the corner. When guys think of a girl who drinks beer, the following descriptions come to mind: cool, down-to-earth, and one of the guys.

There is only one problem – guys say they want date someone like that, but they hardly ever do. These women are very likeable and easy to be around, but they have the tendency of falling into the dangerous friend zone. This slippery slope can wreak havoc on your dating life because while you’re puking your guts out from all that fun beer pong, the guy you secretly like is trying to pick up the hot, girly cosmo drinker during last call (smart fellow waited until it was last call so he wouldn’t have to spend money on all those damn expensive cocktails).

Shots
This is probably the most controversial description for two reasons. The first one is because women hate it when men judge them based on the superficial. (Women call it superficial, we call it deductive reasoning.) Second, women don’t want to admit to being that girl dancing on the bar in her bra with guys throwing dollar bills at her (the same girl you and your girlfriends will gossip about on Monday morning). No woman wants to be called a slut. Not even sluts like being called sluts. It is important that you know what men are thinking, though, so I will have to be the one to break the news to you:

Tequila, Jager, Kamikazes, Fuzzy Navels, and the vastly offensive yet tasty Red-Headed Slut – all great shots that lead to bad decisions and great morning-after stories. If you’re a woman taking shots like a champ, you might as well wear a bullseye on your back. Men think you’re a slut. Girls taking shots at a bar makes a girl with a tramp stamp look more prude than Taylor Swift. For you it might just mean that you are celebrating or had a really long day, which is fine. But celebrating and that really long day ended around shot #7. Men, on the other hand, are thinking one thing: this is a woman looking to do something or someone crazy and not remember it the next day.

Wine
Red or white, wine will always mean sophistication, maturity, and a low tolerance for bullshit. Men tread lightly around a women drinking wine at a bar. The glass of wine tells men that she knows how to pace herself, but with the right company, the glasses will keep coming and alcohol will do what it does best. The wine-drinker enjoys a good conversation, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about something deep like existentialism. As long as it’s engaging, she will stay along for the ride.

Could I be completely off on these descriptions? Of course. If you’re a female beer drinker, you might be reading this and saying to yourself, “I hook up plenty with my guy friends and just because I like to drink beer doesn’t mean I’m not feminine enough.” You’re right, it doesn’t. But, like with all the other drink types, there might be women out there who have consistently thought they were sending a different message or no message at all with their drink.

This isn’t a scientific approach to personality profiling. It is, however, a blunt assessment of how most guys think when it comes to women and their drink of choice. Men are lazy. We use anything in our brains that helps us cut corners and make decisions quicker (things like past experiences, movies, stupid sh*t our friends say, and even superficial things like drinks). Have some fun with this and use it on guys. Next time you go out with your girlfriends to a bar, play around with this and see what kind of guy each drink attracts.

It’s worth a shot.

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
For the first time since 8th grade, I’m single. This is great right? It gives me a chance to explore, experiment and really get to know myself and it turns out I’m pretty cool.

Awesome, except all of my guy friends seem to think that I should experiment with them. And it extends beyond that; guys I meet at in class, at parties or even at work all only want to date or hook up. When I explain that I just want to be friends (and mean it!) they basically stop talking to me.

Is it me? Am I only interesting when sex is on the table? After eight years of being someone or another’s girlfriend, I would really like to just be me. Does this mean I have to sacrifice guy friends to avoid a boyfriend?

Signed,
Single and Staying That Way

Dear SaSTW,

(That’s an interesting name. Where you from, girl?)

Men often become friends with attractive women. A lot of the time due to some form of miscommunication/mistiming/misdemeanor offense, their trajectory changes from boyfriend/lover/drunken mistake, to the friend zone. The friend zone is where they may repress their sexual/romantic/obsessive/co-dependent feelings while hoping you break up with your latest beau. It’s an, imperfect/painful/masochistic/stupid (I’m getting slash happy here, people!) strategy, but a lot of guys put themselves through it.

What they don’t realize is that when you, an attractive woman (I’m assuming you are as kick ass as Yvonne Strahovski [watch Chuck!] based on the amount of offers you’re getting) sentence a man to the friend zone it’s pretty much a life sentence (parole is rare but not without precedent). However, like most prisoners serving such an extended term, they want to escape!

This puts you in an unfair position. Why should you sacrifice so many friendships because of their issues? Does that mean all of the guys in your life have an agenda? Will you never be able to talk to a guy without assuming that his friendly nature is simply a ploy to get into your pant(ie)s? This could poison your trust in the male gender! This could undermine ever finding a meaningful connection with a man again! THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE!

Alright, let’s calm down for a second and gain some perspective.   Firstly, the guys who won’t be friends with you without “benefits” aren’t guys worth your time. They see you primarily as a fantasy/ideal/object (so many slashes, so much caffeine driving them), and you don’t need that kind of drama screwing up healthier relationships. The good news is that the law of averages is on your side: each guy you meet is more likely than the last to result in a wonderful friendship. Gay guys will also be a great resource for you; there’s zero need to question their motives. Also, take this time to really examine and appreciate your lady friends. They’ll provide a great support system during this time of self-discovery and rebuilding of your male social circle. Most importantly: do not sacrifice yourself! You sound like a gal in transition and there’re always growing pains. Just don’t let these pains in the ass drag your confidence and happiness into the sack with them.

Your friend,
The Dude

P.S. I’m not just giving you the male perspective to sleep with you. Scout’s honor!

Dear Dude,

Honestly, are guys truly intimidated by smart girls?  I’m an “A” student with glasses. Yet, while I’m stuck by myself mulling over the tenets of existentialism, the ditzy girls are getting the fellows’ attention.  I’m confused.  I thought that you guys didn’t want girls to play dumb.  I’m never mean, and I while I participate in class, I do shut up.  So, what’s up with this?  Are the glasses some sort of turnoff?

Sincerely,
Ol’ Four Eyes

Dear Ol’ Four Eyes

Ok, to be brutally honest….yes, guys are intimidated by smart girls. Yes, we tend to prefer bimbos who give very little resistance to our warped perception that we are the most perfect beings on earth. But you know what? Men can be morons. Every single man that passes you up (an intelligent girl with substance) will regret it one day. The majority of my friends still playing the “dumb and done” game with women are miserable (dealing with the high-maintenance, mood swing, boring-dinner-table-convo side effects that come with their choices).

To be viciously honest, men like it easy. We wish that we could live our lives without ever having to do laundry (and sometimes we get pretty darn close to this goal), ever having to battle through various levels of a video game (I still swear I’m just having one, endlessly bad round), and without ever having to work to get laid. The easier a woman is to have around (and the less we have to grow up, man up and work hard to be in her presence), the better. But guess what? A lucky few men will grow out of this phase (and an even luckier few will never be a part of it). There are some men out there (the ones who are actually worth your time), who will find your glasses sexy, who will listen to what you have to say, and better yet…will love that you’re smarter than them.

This is the guy you want to find. This is the guy who will become a better man by being around you (as a direct result of your proximity, intelligence love… not by a hidden agenda of trying to change someone). Don’t waste your time worrying about if the mass population of men deem you sexy. Just be yourself, loosen up around your peers (and in class), and share that sexy smart wealth with everyone. But do us a favor? Leave us that small amount of wiggle room to still believe that we’re as smart as you (even if we’re not), and don’t completely crush our fragile egos with a verbal beat down on any given subject. And most of all? Remember to shut up less, speak up (and enjoy yourself) more… and everything else will follow.

The Dude of Dudes

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,

I’ve done the Friends With Benefits thing, and, to say the least, I’m not cut out for it.  Now I have this amazing guy in my life who I consider my best friend, but I’m confused over how I’m supposed to know if he likes me as in a relationship sense or if he just wants to sleep with me.

He texts me quite often, even if just to say hi or to see what I’m up to, or make sure I’m feeling better when I’m sick.  We’ve gone out before with mutual friends and had a blast.  We’re both more of homebodies, so he comes over to my place now regularly and we hang out.  We’ve made out, but I end it before it goes any further because I don’t want the Friends With Benefits thing to happen.

So, how do I know?!

Thanks,
Confused

Hey Hey Confused,

Tricky situation, but let me Nancy Drew this mystery and break down the facts. First off, the guy wouldn’t text you or care if you’re sick if he just wants to sleep with you. Although texting might seem like a cop-out, in this day and age it’s a perfect vehicle for chatting someone up. Who even uses AIM anymore? Remember those days?

Secondly, it’s really great that you’re not putting out right away. Props. Not only are you protecting yourself and your feelings, but that also proves that he wants something more if he’s sticking around. This has clearly been running it’s course for a while; if he just wanted to get laid he’d have gotten frustrated and given up a long time ago. Guys are simple that way. Sure, we’ll pursue something that we can’t have, but if we’re just looking for a quick lay, there’s not a chance that we’ll text incessantly and baby you if you’re sick.

That sounds like he wants girlfriend material, not a few humps in a twin extra long. And throw a few bonus points to the relationship column if he’s hanging out with you and your friends.

No need to be confused, Confused. It sounds like homeboy is just a bit shy. Maybe you should help him step it up a notch and move the hang-out sessions to your favorite sushi spot instead of your dorm room futon. Or, if he’s not into the whole raw fish thing, you could just have “the talk.” I’m pretty confident he’s feeling the same way you are.

Hope that helps!

– El Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: “Open Up to Her?” from askmen.com.

A reader writes to Doc Love (really? Doc Love?) because he has been having problems with the woman he has been dating for 21 months. He writes: “Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more?”

Doc Love’s first move is to remind the writer that he is always right. He says: “”The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works ‘up to a point.’” Wow, way to hit that cocky ball out of the park, Doc Love. You really think you have all the dating answers? There isn’t one single situation in the whole world that the Doc Love “system” might not work for?

I’m really hating this guy already.

He continues to give the man some genius advice about how to communicate with a woman: “When Caprice asks what you think about something, you should always come back with something funny. Kid her about whatever she wants to know. In other words, give her what’s called a ‘non-answer answer.’” Because every woman craves sarcasm and avoidance!

Doc Love’s final conclusion on Syward’s problem is that there is absolutely no saving this relationship: “What should you do? There’s only one thing you can do with Caprice now, Syward: Drop her. Being more open with this girl won’t help because she wants to know it all. Don’t go telling her everything about yourself unless it’s positive.”

I finished this article with a giant WTF!?!? in my head. Doc Love should be telling Syward that his  girlfriend is starting to realize that she doesn’t know anything about him because he’s only telling her some perfectly filtered version of his life, as per Doc Love’s “system.” He should tell this guy that now that his girlfriend is in love with him, it’s OK to open up a bit. Isn’t that the point of a relationship in the first place – to trust someone completely with everything you are? She wants to know the real him, the one who has problems and bad days just like everyone else. She wants to be able to have a normal conversation with him that doesn’t end in sarcasm or belittling her concerns.

The fact that Doc Love tells this guy to simply dump the girl is infuriating. Neither one of these people is going to be happy with that and this advice is relationship suicide for Syward. What girl isn’t going to want to get to know more of him in a relationship? If he keeps up this advice, he’ll be single (and probably lonely) forever.

This kind of advice is the reason men and women have such problems communicating. Letting someone into your life and getting to know them is hard, but it’s especially hard if they’re purposely filtering the version of themselves that they let you see. Maybe Doc Love’s system would work on the first few dates, but by the time the relationship gets serious to be considering marriage (as Syward’s is) it’s time to start being honest with each other.

What do you guys think? Do you know any men that seem to be playing the “system”?

There are few topics in a relationship that cause more controversy than strip clubs. Many of us can’t understand why our man would need to watch some other girl strip it off and shake her ass in his face when he can have our naked ass in his face whenever he wants it (for free, I might add).  And isn’t watching some other girl get naked a form of cheating? He wouldn’t like it if I let some random dude come over and rub his crotch in (or on) my face for $5.

So why do guys do it? And what is the appeal of having some girl rub her boobs on him if he has to stick a few bucks in her panties to do so? I haven’t spent much time in strip clubs, so I turned to someone who does. Frequently. And loves it.

Here is the strip club lowdown from a dude who knows it (very) well.

Could guys be shying away from us out of fear that we don’t need them?

In order to ease my mind, I thought I would get some answers directly from the source. The good news is: independence isn’t a total turn-off. The bad news: we’re going to have to come up with some better reasons why guys aren’t returning our phone calls.

[The following post is courtesy of our homegirls over at YourTango. Well, their male perspective. They’ve been through it all and know just about everything about love, so we thought we’d bring their expertise to you. Enjoy!]  

Women, take note: when the appearance of men’s toenails suggest that we are either vying for a Guinness World Record—or preparing for an underground cage fighting match—feel free to mention that they’ve gotten a tad long. We don’t mind.

In fact, shame might be the only way for us to remember to clean ourselves up.

Hygiene is not something we consciously avoid—it’s just one of the many stumbling blocks in life. In fact, we may not even be aware that we’re the guy who everyone thinks smells like wet dog. But if your man is great at shaving and rinsing, you’ll find an off-hand compliment from the woman in his life is often the reason.

Case in point: I have a spot on my neck that I’m sure to shave because a girl told me that she always noticed I missed that area. Mind you, that was 13 years ago: I was in the 11th grade. And so today, my neck is patch-free because of a girl I never even dated. Imagine the influence you currently wield.

It can be as easy as introducing a grooming product. Sean, an entrepreneur from Seattle, started using aftershave when his wife presented him with a bottle and suggested he try it.

“She just told me she liked how it smells. I’ve been using it for years now,” says Sean, who never would have tried it on his own, but now applies it as liberally as an 8th grader with his first bottle of Drakkar Noir.

Men are also conditioned to listen to the women in our family. Read: Mothers and sisters should help a brother out.

For Jonathan, a literary agent in New York City, his sister explained the facts of grooming while they were growing up.

Read the rest at Your Tango.

Remember that Sex and the City episode when Miranda meets that guy at a Weight Watchers meeting? They head back to her place and get it on, but when he comes back up from downtown for a little smoochy smoochy, his face looks like it’s been dipped in donut glaze.

Vomit.

It was that episode that first instilled fear in me of kissing after a little downtown action. The whole after-oral makeout sesh grosses. me. out. But I also know many girls who will unleash the fury on their men if they don’t get a little thank you kiss when their (difficult…they don’t call it a job for nothing, right?) work is done.

Where do guys stand on this issue? We asked one…

What do you think?

Despite what many people say, Valentine’s Day is a lovely little holiday. Sure, we should tell our significant others what we think of them every day, but there is something nice about a day devoted solely to one another, love and romance. A day that is different from every other day on the calendar. A day that is all about doing special little things for one another.But I’m a girl and a lover of all things romantic.

What do guys think of V-Day? Do they love all the mushy romantic stuff, or is it just another unneeded pressure in their lives? Do they like trying to find the perfect gift for their ladies, or are they only doing it to get laid?

And what about the single dudes? How do they feel about this lovey-dovey day?

I turned to my dude-with-all-the-answers to get a guy’s perspective on Valentine’s Day.